We talked to some people who beat the Kim Kardashian game and here’s the weird thing — they barely care about Kim


(Kim Kardashian: Hollywood!)

Game reviewers and pop culture bloggers tend to discuss Kim Kardashian’s iPhone game in terms typically reserved for amphetamines, opioids or other substances prohibited by law. And yet, for those precious few of us who have not downloaded Kim Kardashian: Hollywood! (explanation point mandatory!), or indeed indulged in any piece of the sprawling Kardashian media empire, the appeal remains … elusive. Laughable, even. I mean, c’mon, it’s a game whose sole purpose involves buying — with actual real-life money, in many cases — imaginary clothes, plane tickets and minor cosmetic procedures until you’re an “A-List celebrity.”

[Related: Inside the wildly successful, weirdly addciting ‘Kim Kardashian Hollywood!’ game app]

Baffled by the allure of this ongoing cultural phenomenon (which could, per one analyst, net $200 million this year), we turned to the experts: Those rare players who have, at great cost to their personal schedules and (occasionally!) pocketbooks, transcended mere mortality and become … A-listers. These three ardent Kardashian-players have collectively devoted something like 70 hours to the game. Here’s the weird thing — they don’t care about Kim. They haven’t even read GQ’s cover story on Kanye! What that says about the Kardashian game phenomenon, we leave up to you.

Laura Martens, 19, The Netherlands

Downloaded the game: 1.5 weeks ago
Hours spent playing: 1.5/day; 10 hours total
Money spent playing: $0 (“I don’t spend money on games.”)
Time until she reached A-list: 1 week
Other apps on her home screen: Sims Freeplay, Battle Camp
Thoughts on GQ’s Kanye cover story: None. (She hasn’t read it.)
Favorite season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”: The first. Sort of. (“I’ve only watched a few episodes of the first season, so…”)
How she would explain the game’s appeal to an 80-year-old woman who has never heard of the Kardashians and doesn’t know how to use an iPhone: “You’re playing someone famous and get to do things you will probably never do in real life, and it’s easy.”
Pro-tip for other players: “Only start activities with full energy! And if you date someone, go on dates regularly.”

Emmalie Moe, 19, Dallas

Downloaded the game: 1.5 weeks ago
Hours spent playing: 3/day, “in scattered time increments.” (“You know, I have to wait for my energy to load!”)
Money spent playing: $0 in real money, but lots of imaginary Kardashian money. (“About 20,000 fake dollars for that Range Rover that I can’t even drive.”)
Time until she reached A-list: 1.5 weeks
Other apps on her home screen: Instagram, Twitter, Kindle, Buzzfeed, CNN
Thoughts on GQ’s Kanye cover story: “I haven’t read the GQ interview with Kanye but I am a huge fan of his. Kanye is a way of life.”
Favorite season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”: Season 6. (“The episode where Kim loses her earring in the ocean cracks me up each time. Kourtney is just too funny.”)
How she would explain the game’s appeal to an 80-year-old woman who has never heard of the Kardashians and doesn’t know how to use an iPhone: “I don’t know how I could explain this game to an elderly woman without it coming off as some new generation waste of time and brain. I would more than likely pose it as a fun, educational experience about the ups and downs of celebrity exposure and the varying aspects to different social classes. Also, how to talk to people who constantly tell you you’re unimpressive or beat down on your esteem as much as possible. Now that’s something my grandma would be interested in.”
Pro-tip for other players: “Pick as many one-hour or three-hour activities as possible! They’re easier to complete and you can do more in one sitting and improve your star status. Also, become acquainted with which activities give you more bang for your buck; some, such as “get a drink” cost 4 energies but give you 5 stars back.”

Alyssa Kajian, 15, Northern New Jersey

Downloaded the game: “A few weeks ago”
Hours spent playing: 1/day
Money spent playing: N/A
Time until she reached A-list: <1 week
Other apps on her home screen: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Candy Crush, Solitaire, 2048
Thoughts on GQ’s Kanye cover story: “I have not read the GQ interview or the television show, I’m not really a Kardashian fan!”
Favorite season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”: See above.
How she would explain the game’s appeal to an 80-year-old woman who has never heard of the Kardashians and doesn’t know how to use an iPhone: “If I had to explain the appeal of the game to my own grandmother, I’d tell her it’s a fun game where you get to be a celebrity and cool stuff like do photo shoots and film movies. The world should know that this game is AMAZING!”
Pro-tip for other players: “Be stingy! Don’t spend your money or Kim points unless you really have to!”

 

Caitlin Dewey is The Post’s digital culture critic. Follow her on Twitter @caitlindewey or subscribe to her daily newsletter on all things Internet. (tinyletter.com/cdewey)

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Caitlin Dewey · July 22, 2014