Monday: Bad scene in the early judging: A borzoi running up the side of the ring got tripped by a Jets assistant coach. . . . My owner always asks me, "You want to go for a walk?" No, I want to stay home and watch "Parker Spitzer" . . . If you go No. 2 on the red carpet, you might as well get on the first bus to Palookaville. . . . I dare you to look at the English sheepdog's hair and not think of Justin Bieber. . . . Hope that cute coco got my box of Valentine Snausages. . . .
The scoring system around here makes the Bowl Championship Series look legit.
Tuesday: I don't want to say the fix is in, but tell me a terrier doesn't win this baby every other year. . . . This is sad and embarrassing - 25 percent of canines believe the American foxhound is a Muslim. . . . If they offered me Listerine, sure, I'd use it. . . . Extra heavy security at the Garden tonight: There are rumors of potential ring-crashing by the Salahis' dogs. . . . I'm a working dog, but you couldn't tell by the number of naps I take every day. . . .
If I win, I'm dumping a cooler of toilet bowl water on my handler.
Ask The Slouch
Q. I'm a huge Cleveland Indians fan, and they announced that their pitchers and catchers are reporting to spring training on Tuesday. Are the hitters not reporting again this year? (Michael "Fudge" Langdon; Willowick, Ohio)
A. Aw, geez, can't you just bask in the glow of a Cavaliers' win?
Q. Wake Forest's baseball coach donated a kidney to one of his players. Any chance the NCAA will regard this as a rules violation? (Gary Mitrisin; South Euclid, Ohio)
A. Actually, the NCAA immediately placed UNLV's men's basketball team on probation.
Q. Kia is the 2010-11 official car of the NBA? Really? If you find one NBA player driving a Kia, I'll pay you $1.25. (Jeffrey S. Mandel; Savannah, Ga.)
A. I believe I saw Earl Boykins tooling around town in a Soul the other day. Shirley, get the money!
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!