Dear Friends and Family,
It’s that time of year again, and what a year it’s been!
For our family, 2011 was full of milestones. I reached a big one for myself and the nation in May when I got Osama bin Laden. Got to cross that one off the ol’ bucket list! I could just stop this holiday letter right here, actually. Sure, the kids did some cool things and grew a lot. But let’s get real. I got Osama. I jumped out of the helicopter, tackled him with my bare hands and yelled, “Barack Obama doesn’t compromise!” Figuratively speaking. Can’t top that.
Hmm, what else happened?
Michelle is still on quite the health kick. This led to a bit of an incident at a block party where she showed up with broccoli instead of dessert and tried to get everyone to join her in jumping jacks. “Your kids should work out more!” she said. Some took this to mean that she was calling everyone’s kids overweight, which didn’t go over well. But hey, live and learn.
Malia and Sasha also got a little fed up with the all-vegetables-all-the-time rule. This summer, they started to rebel. “Eat your peas,” Michelle told them.
The girls didn’t want to eat their peas. They got so mad about it that our family life ground to a halt. All summer long, we fought. “You need to eat your peas,” I told them.
“Don’t want to,” they said. “We need a later bedtime and a higher allowance.”
“We aren’t made of money,” I told them. “Why don’t you go out and raise revenue on your own if you need more cash?”
They muttered something about “making a promise to Grover” that I’m still trying to puzzle out. Must be a Sesame Street thing.
Eventually Michelle and I gave them what they wanted, but only after they spent an entire month throwing tantrums and refusing to do any of their summer reading.
One of Sasha’s teachers called and told me she’d been downgraded from a straight AAA student to a straight AA student.
Malia is doing well, but she’s having trouble picking a date for the big holiday dance. Middle school can be so awkward! Michelle and I definitely thought she’d wind up going with a nice Mormon boy who’s been asking her for months. Then for a while it looked like she was going with a boy from Texas, but he kept running out of conversation at critical moments. Lately we’ve been getting a lot of calls from a plump, wonkish fellow who keeps giving her “Greatest Hits of the ’90s” CDs. Who even listens to CDs any longer?
Oh, did I mention that I got Osama bin Laden? I’m not sure I mentioned that. Well, if I didn’t, you should know: I got Osama.
Sasha is at the age where she enjoys having friends over for sleepovers. This would be fine if the people she invited would go home, but right now there’s a whole group of them in tents on the landing. They’ve been there about three months. The Secret Service guys keep nonchalantly spraying them with finely ground black pepper, but it hasn’t had much effect.
We asked them to leave. I did what I usually do, which is tell them about the time I got Osama.
“Look, kids,” I said, “what’s the trouble?”
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