What were the GOP candidates thinking?

As channeled by James Downie, Alexandra Petri and Stephen Stromberg.

5 Seconds

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Really, Republican base? These guys? I'm standing between Mr. 9-9-9 and a guy who, if he had thought of that catchphrase, would have forgetten the third "9."

Herman Cain, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry at the Oct. 18, 2011, GOP debate.

/ Photo: AP

When I say that President Obama is a snob for thinking you need to go to college, what I mean is, I'm angry constantly and don't know why.

Rick Santorum campaigns in Michigan on Feb. 25, 2012.

This bike would be better if it had a giant front wheel and a tiny rear wheel.

Ron Paul rides a bike in Concord, N.H., on Sept. 30, 2011.

Jim Cole / AP

I'm not pandering when I say that I would build a moon base that might keep you and everyone else at this event employed.

Newt Gingrich campaigns in Cocoa, Fla., on Jan. 25, 2012.

Craig Rubadoux / AP

Oh yeah? Well, this phone doesn't think I'm robotic and hard to relate to! Tell 'em, buddy!

Mitt Romney presents his 59-point economic plan in Las Vegas on Sept. 6, 2011.

Ethan Miller / GETTY IMAGES

Let's do the time warp.

Ron Paul speaks in South Carolina on Sept. 5, 2011.

Mary Ann Chastain / AP

Pretending that Obamacare and Romneycare aren't functionally identical is like pretending that anyone is paying attention to this PowerPoint.

Mitt Romney speaks about health care in Ann Arbor, Mich., on May 12, 2011.

REBECCA COOK / REUTERS

We could use the moon base to bomb Iran.

Newt Gingrich at the Nov. 22, 2011, debate.

JONATHAN ERNST / REUTERS

This shadow puppet is a happy dog riding on the top of a car.

Mitt and Ann Romney during a campaign appearance in Atlantic, Iowa, on Jan. 1, 2012.

Chris Carlson / AP

I need to stop reading Kennedy speeches.

Rick Santorum in Tallahassee, Fla., on Jan. 26, 2012.

Paul Sancya / AP

This is awkward, even for me.

Donald Trump endorses Mitt Romney in Las Vegas on Feb. 2, 2012.

Ethan Miller / GETTY IMAGES

I pledge to keep moon gas prices below $250 a gallon.

Newt Gingrich talks gas prices on the campaign trail.

Corporations are always cutest when they're young.

Mitt Romney at a campaign rally in Panama City, Fla., on Jan. 28, 2012.

BRIAN SNYDER / REUTERS

Heaven IS for real.

Rick Santorum surveys his Santorum for President sweater vests on Feb. 5, 2012.

Charles Rex Arbogast / AP

Everyone appreciates my formless, rambling monologues.

Ron Paul at the Sept. 7, 2011, debate.

ROBYN BECK / AFP/GETTY IMAGES

It was a despicable media ploy for John King to suggest that I wanted an open relationship with the moon.

Newt Gingrich at the Jan. 19, 2012, debate.

John Moore / GETTY IMAGES

God, are you there? It's me, Rick.

Rick Santorum participates in a radio interview on Feb. 13, 2012.

Elaine Thompson / AP

I probably shouldn't mention that I fired six of these guys.

Mitt Romney speaking with businessmen in New Hampshire, Aug. 24, 2011.

Jim Cole / AP

FEATURED PHOTO GALLERIES

HOUSTON, TX—APRIL 25: Naomi Haskell poses for a portrait with her son, Spencer, 19, at her home in suburban Houston, Texas, on Thursday, April 25, 2013. Since he was diagnosed with a type of schizophrenia two years ago, her focus has been on keeping him well. (Photo by Nikki Kahn/The Washington Post)

A mom and her son face the challenge of mental illness

Naomi Haskell helps her son Spencer deal with the challenges presented by his schizophrenia. She spends her days torn between worry and hope...

ANNAPOLIS MD: MAY 24
The Class of 2013 culminates their commissioning ceremony with the hat toss, a traditional ending to the ceremony, originated at the Naval Academy in 1912. The 'hat toss' has since become a symbolic and visual end to the four-year program. Photographed at the Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium in Annapolis, Maryland on May 24, 2013.
(Photo by Marvin Joseph/The Washington Post)

They tossed their caps in Annapolis

The 2013 Class of the U.S. Naval Academy holds its graduation and commissioning ceremonies. President Obama spoke at the graduation.

PITTSBURGH, PA - MAY 19: Mark Melancon #35 of the Pittsburgh Pirates pitches in the eighth inning against the Houston Astros during the game on May 19, 2013 at PNC Park in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Pirates defeated the Astros 1-0. (Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)

MLB power rankings

Barry Svrluga assesses the best teams in Major League Baseball through Thursday.

epa03714567 A Thai Buddhist family take an offering of lotus flowers to pay respects to a giant Buddha surrounded by more than 1,000 smaller Buddha statues at a Buddhism Park, on Vesak or Visakha Bucha day, in Nakhon Nayok, north of Bangkok, Thailand, 24 May 2013. Buddhist devotees throughout the world offer blessings at temples to mark one of the holiest days in Buddhism, commemorating the birth, enlightenment and the death of Buddha. EPA/BARBARA WALTON

Photos of the day

Buddhist Wesak festival, prisoners-of-war reunion, bridge collapse, world’s largest Lego model and more.

SILVER SPRING MD: MAY 18
from left to right, Bodybuilders Jorge Villatoro, Sidney Bumbrey, Eric Holmes and Ron Coleman show off their most muscular poses for the judges at the 2013 Musclemania - Capital Tournament of Champions Contest held at the Montgomery College Cultural Arts Center in Silver Spring, Maryland on May 18, 2013.
(Photo by Marvin Joseph/The Washington Post)

Flexing their muscles

Dozens of bodybuilders came out to Silver Spring to compete in the 2013 Musclemania Capital Tournament of Champions.

epa03714543 US actress Carmen Electra arrives for the Life Ball gala, at the airport Schwechat, in Vienna, Austria, 24 May 2013. The 21th Life Ball, an annual fundraising charity event for HIV and Aids projects, takes place at the Vienna City-Hall on 25 May 2013. EPA/HERBERT NEUBAUER

Eye on entertainment

Carmen Electra, Barbara Eden, Sharon Stone, Goldie Hawn, Jaden Smith and more.

MOORE, OK - MAY 24: A 'For Sale' sign hangs in a tree in a storm ravaged neighborhood on May 24, 2013 in Moore, Oklahoma. The tornado of EF5 strength and two miles wide touched down May 20 killing at least 24 people and leaving behind extensive damage to homes and businesses. U.S. President Barack Obama promised federal aid to supplement state and local recovery efforts. (Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images)

Assessing tornado damage in Oklahoma

Amid great destruction, residents of the Oklahoma City suburb of Moore begin to assess the severity of the twister that hit Monday.

WASHINGTON DC: MAY 22
Contestant Travis Rumans, 31 dances with his beloved glow sticks for talent at Penn Social in Washington, DC on May 22, 2013. The contestants help raise over $15,000 for the Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, D.C.
The Mr. DC pageant is a fundraising event to benefit Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals.
The qualifications for the Mr. District of Columbia finalists is that they must live, work and attend school in the District of Columbia between the ages of 21-30 who are unmarried, intelligent, and dapper in a suit.
(Photo by Marvin Joseph/The Washington Post)

Mr. D.C. Pageant contestants compete for charity

Contestants in the Mr. D.C. Pageant, a fundraising event, helped raise more than $15,000 for the Children’s National Medical Center.

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