If the idea appeals, don’t expect things to gel overnight, Graham said. It may take several years for your family to get onboard. If you want to have a plan in place by the time you turn 70, he suggested starting the conversation when you are about 65.
The first time you broach the subject, there will be awkward moments because you will have to address some thorny issues, Graham said. For example, do you all get along well enough to even consider this? Can you all forgive past transgressions and move forward with a clean slate? Are your ideas about child rearing similar to your offspring’s? Do you feel you can help with child care? Do you want to? Can you refrain from giving unsolicited advice? If you are a widow or widower, will your children be comfortable if you have overnight visitors?
Assuming that you are in good health, your mortality shouldn’t be an immediate issue, but it will be an undercurrent, and there will be rumblings about your assets and estate, Graham said. If the joint household requires that one child’s house be extensively remodeled or that you and that child buy a bigger house that will accommodate everyone, who will pay for it? Renovation work will add more value to the sibling’s house; will this be taken into consideration when you divide your estate? Eventually you may need to draft a legal document that is very explicit on this point, Graham said.
If you can get everyone on the same page, Graham suggested a trial run. “A vacation where you share a common kitchen will test the personalities of the adults in close contact” and certainly elicit useful information, he said. If you have more time, you could spend a few weeks in the town where your child and his family live. If you stay in a nearby residential hotel or motel that offers suites with small kitchens, you will have a place of your own to retire to each night, but you can spend plenty of time during the day with your relatives and get a sense of their household rhythms. Staying on your own will also give you the opportunity to see how easy or hard it will be to make a new life for yourself there.
If everything seems positive, the next step is figuring out where you will live. Although his sister interviewed many families in which the grandparents lived in a separate cottage or an apartment that was attached to a bigger house, this is unusual. In most places, zoning laws prohibit two dwelling units on one property, so you’ll have to be creative. The possibilities that Graham suggested include living next door, across the street or back to back and sharing the same backyard, or a duplex with each household occupying one half.
All this may sound like a huge amount of work to organize, but the rewards of living in a multi-generation household are “totally worth it,” Graham said.
Katherine Salant has an architecture degree from Harvard. A native Washingtonian, she grew up in Fairfax County and lives in Michigan.
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