The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is America’s second-longest continuously held sporting event, behind only the over-ballyhooed Kentucky Derby (which – let’s be honest – is nothing more than a two-minute horse race watched by 150,000 horses’ behinds). To win at Westminster, you have to be mentally fit, physically fit and, of course, be careful where you step. Once again, intrepid Siberian husky Chuchi’s Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his four-legged week in New York:
Wednesday: Incredible media coverage this year: I saw the Afghan hound giving an exclusive interview to al-Jazeera. . . . Here’s why I love Cesar Millan — divorced his wife, kept his dogs. . . . You trying to tell me they can’t take this collar off while we’re sleeping? . . . I’m so happy Congress repealed “Don’t Bark, Don’t Howl” . . . This event has ESPN2 written all over it, but I can’t get anybody in Bristol to return my calls. . . .
What dog show wouldn’t be enhanced by Dick Vitale’s presence?
Thursday: Why don’t they just be done with it and let the lhasa apsos wear nail polish and a skirt? . . . I’m no political expert, but a win for the pharaoh hound might be just what they need in Egypt. . . . I told them I wanted a biscuit, not Bisquick. Dang. . . . This year’s Westminster sure is different: Six sporting dogs were voted out in favor of Republicans. . . . Nothing worse than an itch behind your ear when you’re in the middle of the ring. . . .
Ah, Madison Square Garden. Can’t believe LeBron James turned this down.
Friday: So suddenly humans are all fussing about “death panels”? Uh, you people ever hear of “the pound”?. . . Went to a dog groomer once — couldn’t stand the New Age music. . . . Hey, Apple, would it kill you to come up with a Hydrant Locator app for my iPhone? . . . I think the Irish setter has a little something besides water in that bowl. . . . My favorite artists: Velazquez, Manet and the guy who does the “Dogs Playing Poker” series. . . .
If they let me, I’d just chase cats all day.
Saturday: Labradoodles are all the rage. Please. Their poop smells just like the rest of ours. . . . “Spider-Man” on Broadway? Next thing you know, we’ll be holding Westminster at the Meadowlands. . . . Wanna make the greater Swiss mountain dog start laughing? Just go up to him and say, “WikiLeaks” . . . If Mayor Bloomberg is so smart, how come he doesn’t have Pooch Port-a-Pottys scattered throughout the city? . . .
Privately, I think the world of mutts.
Sunday: This beagle claims to have 3,000 Facebook friends, but trust me, he hasn’t sniffed more than 50 of them. . . . When I was 6, maybe 8 months, old, I fell head over paws for a springer spaniel, but, alas, it was just puppy love. . . . Hotel costs here are crazy. Do you have any idea what the mark-up is on a Milk Bone out of the mini-bar? And room-service Purina? Fugeddaboutit. . . . My White House sources tell me the president’s dog gets brunch on Saturdays and Sundays. . . .
Never mind the Kardashians, try keeping up with the komondors.
Monday: Bad scene in the early judging: A borzoi running up the side of the ring got tripped by a Jets assistant coach. . . . My owner always asks me, “You want to go for a walk?” No, I want to stay home and watch “Parker Spitzer” . . . If you go No. 2 on the red carpet, you might as well get on the first bus to Palookaville. . . . I dare you to look at the English sheepdog’s hair and not think of Justin Bieber. . . . Hope that cute coco got my box of Valentine Snausages. . . .
The scoring system around here makes the Bowl Championship Series look legit.
Tuesday: I don’t want to say the fix is in, but tell me a terrier doesn’t win this baby every other year. . . . This is sad and embarrassing — 25 percent of canines believe the American foxhound is a Muslim. . . . If they offered me Listerine, sure, I’d use it. . . . Extra heavy security at the Garden tonight: There are rumors of potential ring-crashing by the Salahis’ dogs. . . . I’m a working dog, but you couldn’t tell by the number of naps I take every day. . . .
If I win, I’m dumping a cooler of toilet bowl water on my handler.
Ask The Slouch
Q. I’m a huge Cleveland Indians fan, and they announced that their pitchers and catchers are reporting to spring training on Tuesday. Are the hitters not reporting again this year? (Michael “Fudge” Langdon; Willowick, Ohio)
A. Aw, geez, can’t you just bask in the glow of a Cavaliers’ win?
Q. Wake Forest’s baseball coach donated a kidney to one of his players. Any chance the NCAA will regard this as a rules violation? (Gary Mitrisin; South Euclid, Ohio)
A. Actually, the NCAA immediately placed UNLV’s men’s basketball team on probation.
Q. Kia is the 2010-11 official car of the NBA? Really? If you find one NBA player driving a Kia, I’ll pay you $1.25. (Jeffrey S. Mandel; Savannah, Ga.)
A. I believe I saw Earl Boykins tooling around town in a Soul the other day. Shirley, get the money!
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!