Couch Slouch: Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn revive the sports celebrity dating game

March 24, 2013

The Tiger Woods-Lindsey Vonn pairing — when Tiger goes on Match.com, I’d love to see how he customizes the attributes he’s looking for in a mate — has revived the jock-jock twosome business. There’s nothing like good-looking, in-shape partners; if the world’s entire gene pool came from athletic blood, there’d be twice as many Olympics as there are wars.

Here’s a selective listing of the best of today’s sports couples:

Rory McIlroy-Caroline Wozniacki: In the long run, I just don’t think a Northern Irish golfer and a Danish tennis player can make it work — too much of a nuanced culture clash.

Alex Ovechkin-Maria Kirilenko: They’re engaged, but with no date set, I think she’s just killing off a penalty before leaving him.

Andre Agassi-Steffi Graf: The gold standard of post-modern jock duos, with 30 Grand Slam tennis titles and 11 years of marriage. According to STATS LLC, they are the only 30-10 couple in sports history.

Nomar Garciaparra-Mia Hamm: He used to play shortstop and she used to play soccer; nowadays, I assume they just talk about rattan chairs and baby strollers.

Christian Ponder-Samantha Steele: This is the rare athlete-TV personality pairing; closest thing I can recall was Hepburn and Tracy pulling it off in “Pat and Mike,” though that involved a sports promoter, which is sort of like a sportscaster.

Matt Treanor-Misty May-Treanor: Opposites attract — he crouches on the dirt, she spikes on the sand.

Curtis Conway-Laila Ali: The former NFL wide receiver might wear the pants in the family, but she packs the punch.

Bret Hedican-Kristi Yamaguchi: A former NHL-er and a former figure skater — their marriage is testing whether they’re as good off the ice as on the ice.

(Column Intermission: I know President Obama has bigger fish to fry, but if he has time to fill out a bracket every March Madness, he should have time to help legalize, regulate and tax online poker. In fact, if POTUS ever invites me to roll a few frames at the White House bowling alley — I like to play 10 cents a pin, 25 cents a game — I believe I could convince him of this.)

Jose Canseco-Madonna: I just threw them in here for entertainment purposes. They had a brief non-fling in 1992, plus Madonna’s not even an athlete, though she was a cheerleader in high school and that’s now considered a sport.

Dennis Rodman-Madonna: Yes, our de facto secretary of state and our de facto secretary of sex almost procreated back in the day — that newborn would’ve made Blue Ivy look like Baby Huey.

Mike Fisher-Carrie Underwood: Sure, another non-athlete, but a lesson here: Underwood was dating Tony Romo, but he wouldn’t relocate to Nashville. So she switched from the NFL to the NHL and found herself a hubby.

Lamar Odom-Khloe Kardashian Odom: Granted, she’s also not an athlete, but every one of the Karadashians is a “player,” and they seem to play the game above the rim.

A.J. Feeley-Heather Mitts: She won three soccer gold medals in the Olympics, he threw 31 career interceptions in the NFL.

Sasha Vujacic-Maria Sharapova: They ended their engagement last year after most of their moonlit walks on the beach dissolved into spats over Sasha’s erratic play exiling him to Turkish basketball.

Laird Hamilton-Gabrielle Reece: A surfer and a pro beach volleyballer. Their Pottery Barn wedding registry included sunblock.

Dan Hicks-Hannah Storm: Yeah, they count — sportscasting is as much of a sport as beach volleyball.

Bart Conner-Nadia Comaneci: As a rule, gymnastic couples play Twister at twice the rate as non-gymnastic couples.

A.J. McCarron-Katherine Webb: He’s a college quarterback, she’s a celebrity diver. All lists need filler.

Ricky Stenhouse Jr.-Danica Patrick: If they’re smart, they’ll commute to work together and use the HOV-2 lane.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Do you feel vindicated now that the tuck rule has been repealed? (Roger Brown; Willow Bend, W.Va.)

A. Yes. In fact, the late Al Davis and I have petitioned the NFL to vacate the Patriots’ Super Bowl title that season. Davis also now is attempting to appeal the Immaculate Reception result.

Q. The Heat streak is impressive but didn’t the Harlem Globetrotters once win, like, 8,000 straight games? (Adam Goldstein; Chicago)

A. Indeed, the Globetrotters have had multiple winning streaks in excess of 100 games.Plus, they weren’t playing the Bobcats and the Magic every other night.

Q. Isn’t asking The Slouch a non-rhetorical question functionally equivalent to the intellectual challenge of owning the Miami Marlins? (Larry Berg; Olympia, Wash.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Does Pope Francis automatically become the interim commissioner of the Catholic Seven? (Philip R. Hochberg; Washington)

A. Pass the collection plate for this fella, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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