So, in an effort to shake the fledgling channel out of its ratings doldrums, Longhorn Network top brass — 16 senior vice presidents in charge of programming — recently announced its new fall lineup of shows:
Parks and Recreation: Behind-the-scenes drama about the most popular class for UT athletes.
Law and Order:
Special NCAA Unit: Compliance officer keep UT athletes eligible for bowl games.
Hook ’em Around the Horn: Lively sports debate between two well-known Texas sportswriters and two Texas head of cattle.
Leave It to Bevo: The Longhorn mascot tries to trick an A&M Aggie into doing his school book report.
41 vs. 43: George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush pick a slate of NFL and NCAA games against each other in a somewhat fun-filled, somewhat presidential “Family Feud” co-hosted by Jeb Bush and former First Dog Barney.
Dancing With the Rules: UT compliance officers pair up with NCAA investigators to see who can cha-cha their way out of probation.
So You Think You Can Dance Around NCAA Regs: “Dancing With the Rules” spinoff features UT compliance officers showing NCAA investigators a good time at local strip clubs.
Twenty-Two and a Half Men: Profiles of UT football’s offensive and defensive starters, plus place kicker Justin Tucker.
Creationism: A Theory: Texas Gov. Rick Perry rides roughshod over evolution with a weekly lecture — on horseback — on how we came to be, in front of a live studio audience.
Car 54, You’re in My Spot: See what happens when a campus security cruiser parks in a space reserved for the UT starting tailback.
A.M. Texas With Mack Brown: Sidekick: Ross Perot.
P.M. Texas With Mack Brown: Sidekick: Willie Nelson.
Late Night Texas With Mack Brown: Sidekick: Gary Busey.
Real Housewives of Austin: UT football coaches get upset when their wives “lose contain” with their credit cards at the jewelry store.
2005: A BCS Odyssey: Acclaimed documentary on UT’s most recent national championship.
Just Say ‘Nay’ to Nebraska: Why the nation’s 37th state is utterly uninhabitable.
Oklahoma? Hell, No!: Why the nation’s 46th state is utterly uninhabitable.
The Other Locker Room: Mark David Chapman and John Hinckley, Jr. discuss the justice system based on their brushes with the law.
Meet the Zone Press: How the UT men’s basketball team will handle opposing full-court defenses.
Bevo and Butthead: In this hilarious animated series, the Longhorn mascot and the Texas A&M Aggie join forces to make prank phone calls, try to con their way into Hooters and wind up in a ZZ Top music video. And that’s just their first day together!
Paris, Texas (Ooh La La): Seventeen reasons why the Lamar County seat is a better place to live than its famous French namesake.
Hillbilly Handfishin’ (originally aired Aug. 28, 2011 on Animal Planet): The smash hit makes its Longhorn Network debut.
The Biggest Loser: The history of Texas A&M football.
Friday Night Lights: Frat Party!: From the creators of “Friday Night Lights” and “Saved by the Bell: The College Years:” Coach Taylor brings Tim Riggins, Smash Williams and “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!” to the promised land of higher education.
World Series of Poker: Featuring — what else? — Texas hold ’em!!!
Ask The Slouch
Q. I was watching the World Series of Poker Main Event the other night and noticed that you were not wearing a wedding ring. Did you lose your ring in a card game, or did you lose your wife because of the card game? (Kevin Ayers; League City, Tex.)
A. If I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all — both happened on the same night.
Q. Announcers are always telling us that “these teams just don’t like each other.” How would a football game differ if they did like each other? (Curtis Bare; Charlottesville)
A. It would be much more like a Tupperware party.
Q. By cutting all ties with Kris Humphries prior to an agreement on a new NBA labor contract, does Kim Kardashian lose all rights to any future compensation should she sign another NBA player? (Mark Demos; Cudahy, Wis.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. If Mark Cuban is so intent on owning another professional franchise, why doesn’t he just buy an SEC football team? (Tim Sweeney; Mount Horeb, Wis.)
A. Pay this fella, too.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!