Couch Slouch returns to the University of Maryland to find it has also moved on


Any future Maryland celebrations like this will have nothing to do with the ACC. (By Katherine Frey--The Washington Post)
March 16

On the day the University of Maryland played its last ACC men’s basketball game, I stepped onto campus for the first time since graduating in 1981 to watch the Maryland state high school basketball playoffs at Cole Field Hou . . . uh, Comcast Center.

Boy, was I happy to see my $440-a-semester tuition from a generation ago parlayed into a gleaming sports palace, with plenty of parking.

Let’s talk parking!

Because after 33-plus years away from College Park, I fondly remember my last parking ticket there; I believe I was cited for an expired meter as I was pulling into a space. And, as I drove toward the arena last week, there was a scent of spring — and the Big Ten! — in the air, and that’s when I had my first post-Terp epiphany:

If they just doubled the parking fines, they would have enough money to wipe out the athletic deficit. This would then preclude Maryland’s soulless, cash-propelled move to the Big Ten that broke state law and ended natural rivalries.

Rivalries like Maryland-Virginia and Maryland-Duke. No more driving a couple hours from College Park to Charlottesville to make fun of U-Va. preppies and trample upon Thomas Jefferson’s lawn. Even in the expanded ACC, most of the schools are within 300 miles of Maryland; in the Big Ten, 10 of 13 schools are at least 400 miles away, with six more than 600 miles away.

That’s a long haul for a little extra athletic coin. Make no mistake about it — in this time-zone-shattering conference continental drift, they’re all chasing TV dollars in a postmodern “Let’s Make a Deal”; at least university presidents don’t have to wear costumes to choose what’s behind Door No. 3.

Let me ask Maryland President Wallace D. Loh this: If the Western Belarus Athletic Conference had offered a worldwide TV package, complimentary WiFi on all flights, a case of buckwheat kasha to every student-athlete’s front door each month and $8.2 million more a year than the Big Ten, would you have taken it? Where do you draw the line in pursuit of lofty, profitable athletic heights?

(Column Intermission: Time for our annual book excerpt from best-selling assembly-line author John Feinstein. This comes from “Where Nobody Knows Your Name: Life in the Minor Leagues of Baseball”: “For Scott Elarton, the summer in Allentown was turning out to be long and hot. Which had nothing to do with the weather — although it was also very warm.” This Feinstein fella should self-publish — with writing like that, who needs editors?)

All of which was on my mind as I got to Comcast Center to see my stepson Isaiah Eisendorf’s Springbrook High team lose in the Class 4A state semifinals to Wise. For the last three years, I’ve watched these prep games with unadulterated joy, lapping up the last stages of pure, hard-driven youthful competition before money craps on the whole enterprise.

They’re all out there because they love it. The coaches aren’t in it for the money, the refs get next-to-nothing and the players aren’t paid much, either.*

* — Well, actually, Isaiah got docked four weeks’ allowance every time Springbrook lost; in his junior season — when the Blue Devils were 13-10. This cost him nearly a year’s worth of stipends. Some people question my step-parenting technique, but, hey, it’s tough love. In America, winners win and losers wander into Taco Bell. He may as well learn this lesson before we toss him out of the house.

As I drove away from Comcast Center satisfied I had gotten my $8 worth of sports entertainment, I had my second post-Terp epiphany:

Toll roads on campus — each road would lead to athletic riches! Different streets for different sports — you decide what route you take to support which team you want to contribute to.

On the other hand, anyone who just walks onto campus, I’ll assume, is an old-fashioned student looking to get, you know, educated — maybe even a degree. Hopefully, with the newfound Big Ten windfall, the University of Maryland will find some spare change to educate them.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Did Congress pass a law years ago that said every basketball highlight shown on ESPN has to involve a dunk? (Tim Reinhart; Stevens Point, Wis.)

A. The “SportsCenter” Slam Dunk and Showboat Act became law Oct. 15, 1997, by a vote of 311-124 in the House and 98-2 in the Senate.

Q. Would you recommend Phil Jackson to go to New York to run the Knicks? (Suzanne Peters; Greenbelt)

A. Jackson’s not going to New York — he’ll run the Knicks from Canyon Ranch health spa in Tucson.

Q. How come three men’s basketball conference tournaments were held in Las Vegas? (Josh Levine; Yakima, Wash.)

A. Nothing says “student-athlete” like the Crazy Girls Fantasy Revue at the Riviera.

Q. In biblical terms, could we say that A-Rod has finished Biogenesis and begun Exodus? (Colin Gore; Lexington, Ky.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com, and if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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