Red Lobster: “Sea Food Differently.” I’m a bigger proponent of “Sea Food I Want to Eat.”
Olive Garden: “When you’re here, you’re family.” Family? If my mother cooked like this, I would’ve run away from home years earlier than I did.
Subway: “Feast, Drink and Be Melty!” I can feast and drink, I can feast and be melty, I can drink and be melty, but I can’t feast, drink and be melty.
State Farm: “Get to a Better State.” Well, if you live in Washington — my oft-beleaguered home town — anywhere you go is a better state. The residents of the nation’s capital are still without voting representation in Congress, but they can buy guns and get life insurance!
CDW: “People Who Get It.” Do those people who get it even know what CDW is? I don’t.
ITT Tech: “Education For The Future.” I hate to be an academic snob — hard to do when you’re University of Maryland, Class of ’81 — but “education for the future” sounds a bit redundant to me.
The North Face: “Never Stop Exploring.” Ah, but as most of you know, I never even started exploring.
Walmart: “Save money. Live better.” Actually, if you’re an employee of the world’s largest retailer, it’s more like, “Work lots. Earn little.”
Target: “Expect more. Pay less.” Hmm. I’m torn between saving money and living better or expecting more and paying less.
Lexus: “Pursuing perfection.” Perfection might be out of my price range.
Cadillac: “The New Standard of the World.” I hope it doesn’t cost as much as perfection.
Chevron: “Human Energy.” At $3.50 a gallon, it feels more like high-priced energy.
IBM: “Let’s Build a Smarter Planet.” Who’s smarter than us, Jupiter? Uranus? Seems to me this planet has sustained life for a pretty long time with a pretty good return on our money, so who needs a bunch of computer geeks assembling a whole new world?
eTrade: “Investing Unleashed.” To be honest, I prefer to keep my investing on a leash.
Charles Schwab: “Talk to Chuck.” Sure, talk is cheap, but I have found that talking to myself is even cheaper.
T. Rowe Price: “Invest With Confidence.” I just read a New York Times article about commodities firm MF Global’s bankruptcy, and it appears that $1.2 billion of clients’ money is missing — customers may never see their cash, though it supposedly was protected — so excuse me if I just invest in a better mattress to put my nickels and dimes under.
Capital One: “What’s in your wallet?” Curiously, Alec Baldwin. Interesting chap — on Mondays, he’s outspoken about corporate America’s greed; on Tuesdays, he’s a commercial spokesperson for corporate America.
GE: “Imagination at Work.” These people know of what they speak — GE’s tax lawyers are so ingenious, they imagined a corporation that paid no federal taxes in 2010 on $14.2 billion in profit.
Prudential: “Bring Your Challenges.” Okay, here’s one — I can’t dance a lick, but I’d love to join the Bolshoi Ballet. Can you folks help?
Southwest: “Bags Fly Free.” Yeah, but passengers don’t. And I’ve noticed that my longtime favorite airline has jacked up ticket prices — essentially, the baggage fees are now rolled into higher fares — and changed its frequent-flier program drastically to the worse.
5-Hour Energy: “Have a Great Morning.” Alas, Couch Slouch doesn’t rise until early afternoon.
Ask The Slouch
Q. While watching NFL games, I’ve noticed that Bill Walsh was a genius, Bill Belichick is a genius, all the Ryans are defensive geniuses, etc. My question is: Should the NFL cement its position as the intellectual center of the universe by acquiring the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton or take less financial risk via a merger of equals with the Mensa club? (Stan Kaplan; Bethesda)
A. I have forwarded your inquiry to Tony Siragusa.
Q. Considering your poor track record, is your current marriage a “must-win” situation? (Mark Burack; Silver Spring)
A. Yes, it is — and even though I’m ahead at the moment, I have blown leads before.
Q. If a member of the Cleveland Browns offense got hurt during a game, could they claim it as a non-football related injury? (Brian Driscoll; Middleburg Heights, Ohio)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. How many billable hours is Ed Hochuli hitting the NFL with when he grossly over-explains a false start? (John Bradley; Frankfort, Ky.)
A. Pay this wise soul, too.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!