Couch Slouch: This column has gone to the dogs


Elvis, a 4-year-old Bearded Collie, works out on a dog tread in the Green Room Salon and Spa at the Pennsylvania hotel in New York. The Westminster dog show begins Monday. (Mary Altaffer/AP)
February 12, 2012

There’s no business like show business, and there’s no better show business than the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show: It makes the Grammys look like the ESPYs. Once again, intrepid Siberian husky Chuchi’s Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his four-legged week in New York:

Wednesday: Because of heightened security measures, we now have to give paw prints when we register at Westminster. . . . Everyone’s happy to see us back. The Ziegfeld Theater is showing “Tinker Tailor Soldier Samoyed.” . . . I think the beagle’s new handler is from Denver; his commands were: sit, stay, heel, Tebow. . . . I wasn’t there, but Occupy Wall Street did not seem dog-friendly. . . . Had to travel from LAX to JFK in the cargo hold. Probably a blessing — the in-flight movie was “One for the Money.” . . .

If I never have to pee or poop again in the rain, it would be fine by me.

Thursday: Six new breeds at Westminster this year, although I don’t think the Wirehaired Glove Chewer has been AKC-approved. . . . If I have to hear the Boston terrier yapping about Tom Brady, there’s going to be trouble. . . . When I howl at the moon, it’s because I can hear Nancy Grace on HLN. . . . Public perception aside, some of the nicest dogs I’ve ever met have been Rottweilers and pit bulls. . . . Last week I TiVoed “Bones” on Fox. It was, ahem, not what I thought it would be. . . .

If Lindsay Lohan shows up, I hope she steals the Pomeranian.

Friday: Charles Barkley can tout Weight Watchers all he chooses, but if he wants to drop the excess pounds, he should just do like we do: Eat only twice a day. . . . Why do I bark at postal carriers? Because their pensions are killing off the USPS. . . . I would never want to be the First Dog — D.C.’s too humid in the summer. . . . You can tell the golden retriever is from Seattle. He’s got a “venti” water bowl. . . . Memo to Oprah: Looking for a way to jump-start your struggling OWN network? More dog shows! . . .

I’d kill for an Angus burger.

Saturday: Sponsorship is out of control. I mean, an American Vitaminwater spaniel? A Red Bull terrier? Really? . . . My Vizsla buddy in Ohio wants me to send him some rugelach from Zabar’s. Hope there’s not a line. . . . There’s a German shepherd in Stall 231 who acts like they won World Wars I and II. . . . My agent’s here in New York, trying to get me a spot on “Heeling With the Stars.” . . . Maybe it’s a “people thing,” but for the life of me, I don’t find Jimmy Kimmel funny.

If I weren’t a show dog, I guess I would’ve gone into pediatrics.

Sunday: “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” was great. The pointer with the dragon bandanna is just embarrassing. . . . Lately, my owner’s been adding a little PBR to my dry food in the morning — not bad. . . . If Kathy Griffin has a pet, I assume it’s a Chihuahua who won’t shut up. . . . The border collie is wearing a black collar in memory of Borders bookstore. Nice touch. . . . You wouldn’t believe what went on in Ring 17 last night: A Republican debate! . . .

Next year, I’m putting all this stuff on Twitter.

Monday: I had a dream the other night: They threw all the people out of Texas and all you could see for miles and miles were steakhouses and fire hydrants. . . . Donald Trump stopped by and asked to see the American foxhound’s birth certificate. . . . There are — what? — 27 ESPN networks, and we’re still stuck on CNBC? . . . I’m tired of all the “War Horse” press. Nobody ever mentions the dog in “The Artist.” . . . Happy birthday to New Yorker and Broadway star Stockard Channing. She looks great for 476. . . .

Little-known dog fact: The Australian terrier chases his tail counterclockwise.

Tuesday: High unemployment has hit Westminster. In addition to the “Working” Group, we now have the “In Transition” Group. . . . There was a rumor Best in Show was going to be chosen by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. . . . Remember when Gordon Gekko told Bud Fox that some stock was “a dog with fleas”? I walked out of the theater. . . . I always get nervous playing the Garden, but I just try to channel Sinatra playing the Sands. . . . To break the tension, a game of Twister broke out in the VIP room. . . .

This show would be more fun if Ricky Gervais were hosting.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I’m sure you have “bright lights, big city” background – any words of wisdom for Jeremy Lin? (Bryan Bell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. No. But I do have a couple of words for Spike Lee: SIT DOWN.

Q. Any truth to the rumor about a new TV show called “Poker Wives” in which you have the market cornered? (Bob Cayne; Scottsdale, Ariz.)

A. Actually, production for the show was halted last summer because I could not produce one more ex-wife.

Q. Since the New York Giants play in New Jersey but the parade was in New York City, if the St. Louis Rams win a Super Bowl, is their parade in L.A.? (David Filar; Fishers, Ind.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Is it true that Bill Belichick, being the genius that he is, has already developed a game plan for next season that lets Tom Brady both throw and catch the ball? (D.R. Nash; Roanoke, Va.)

A. And pay this genius, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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