Norman Chad
Norman Chad

Couch Slouch: This column has gone to the dogs

Mary Altaffer/AP - Elvis, a 4-year-old Bearded Collie, works out on a dog tread in the Green Room Salon and Spa at the Pennsylvania hotel in New York. The Westminster dog show begins Monday.

There’s no business like show business, and there’s no better show business than the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show: It makes the Grammys look like the ESPYs. Once again, intrepid Siberian husky Chuchi’s Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his four-legged week in New York:

Wednesday: Because of heightened security measures, we now have to give paw prints when we register at Westminster. . . . Everyone’s happy to see us back. The Ziegfeld Theater is showing “Tinker Tailor Soldier Samoyed.” . . . I think the beagle’s new handler is from Denver; his commands were: sit, stay, heel, Tebow. . . . I wasn’t there, but Occupy Wall Street did not seem dog-friendly. . . . Had to travel from LAX to JFK in the cargo hold. Probably a blessing — the in-flight movie was “One for the Money.” . . .

If I never have to pee or poop again in the rain, it would be fine by me.

Thursday: Six new breeds at Westminster this year, although I don’t think the Wirehaired Glove Chewer has been AKC-approved. . . . If I have to hear the Boston terrier yapping about Tom Brady, there’s going to be trouble. . . . When I howl at the moon, it’s because I can hear Nancy Grace on HLN. . . . Public perception aside, some of the nicest dogs I’ve ever met have been Rottweilers and pit bulls. . . . Last week I TiVoed “Bones” on Fox. It was, ahem, not what I thought it would be. . . .

If Lindsay Lohan shows up, I hope she steals the Pomeranian.

Friday: Charles Barkley can tout Weight Watchers all he chooses, but if he wants to drop the excess pounds, he should just do like we do: Eat only twice a day. . . . Why do I bark at postal carriers? Because their pensions are killing off the USPS. . . . I would never want to be the First Dog — D.C.’s too humid in the summer. . . . You can tell the golden retriever is from Seattle. He’s got a “venti” water bowl. . . . Memo to Oprah: Looking for a way to jump-start your struggling OWN network? More dog shows! . . .

I’d kill for an Angus burger.

Saturday: Sponsorship is out of control. I mean, an American Vitaminwater spaniel? A Red Bull terrier? Really? . . . My Vizsla buddy in Ohio wants me to send him some rugelach from Zabar’s. Hope there’s not a line. . . . There’s a German shepherd in Stall 231 who acts like they won World Wars I and II. . . . My agent’s here in New York, trying to get me a spot on “Heeling With the Stars.” . . . Maybe it’s a “people thing,” but for the life of me, I don’t find Jimmy Kimmel funny.

If I weren’t a show dog, I guess I would’ve gone into pediatrics.

Sunday: “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” was great. The pointer with the dragon bandanna is just embarrassing. . . . Lately, my owner’s been adding a little PBR to my dry food in the morning — not bad. . . . If Kathy Griffin has a pet, I assume it’s a Chihuahua who won’t shut up. . . . The border collie is wearing a black collar in memory of Borders bookstore. Nice touch. . . . You wouldn’t believe what went on in Ring 17 last night: A Republican debate! . . .

Next year, I’m putting all this stuff on Twitter.

Monday: I had a dream the other night: They threw all the people out of Texas and all you could see for miles and miles were steakhouses and fire hydrants. . . . Donald Trump stopped by and asked to see the American foxhound’s birth certificate. . . . There are — what? — 27 ESPN networks, and we’re still stuck on CNBC? . . . I’m tired of all the “War Horse” press. Nobody ever mentions the dog in “The Artist.” . . . Happy birthday to New Yorker and Broadway star Stockard Channing. She looks great for 476. . . .

Little-known dog fact: The Australian terrier chases his tail counterclockwise.

Tuesday: High unemployment has hit Westminster. In addition to the “Working” Group, we now have the “In Transition” Group. . . . There was a rumor Best in Show was going to be chosen by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. . . . Remember when Gordon Gekko told Bud Fox that some stock was “a dog with fleas”? I walked out of the theater. . . . I always get nervous playing the Garden, but I just try to channel Sinatra playing the Sands. . . . To break the tension, a game of Twister broke out in the VIP room. . . .

This show would be more fun if Ricky Gervais were hosting.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I’m sure you have “bright lights, big city” background – any words of wisdom for Jeremy Lin? (Bryan Bell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. No. But I do have a couple of words for Spike Lee: SIT DOWN.

Q. Any truth to the rumor about a new TV show called “Poker Wives” in which you have the market cornered? (Bob Cayne; Scottsdale, Ariz.)

A. Actually, production for the show was halted last summer because I could not produce one more ex-wife.

Q. Since the New York Giants play in New Jersey but the parade was in New York City, if the St. Louis Rams win a Super Bowl, is their parade in L.A.? (David Filar; Fishers, Ind.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Is it true that Bill Belichick, being the genius that he is, has already developed a game plan for next season that lets Tom Brady both throw and catch the ball? (D.R. Nash; Roanoke, Va.)

A. And pay this genius, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

 
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