Red Sox really needed a pastime for their idle hours

Look, enough already. So the 2011 Boston Red Sox were as dysfunctional as a Kardashian family reunion. Fine. But even I have a hard time believing Josh Beckett, John Lackey and Jon Lester — or any other Red Sox — were drinking beer in the dugout.

I’m sure a lot of players have, from time to time, wanted a beer in the dugout. I just think it would be pretty hard to get away with it.

A baseball dugout is full of people, not just players, but batboys, trainers, coaches, a manager. TV cameras are trained on the dugout all the time. Photographers are usually positioned near the dugout. Anyone in the press box with binoculars — which is everyone in the press box — can see into the dugout. Anyone in the stands with binoculars can do the same. It’s not like you can stash a flask in your stirrups. So what, you pour the beer in a water bottle? Those things aren’t sacrosanct. It just takes one guy to pick up the wrong one and get a big surprise.

Besides, if the Red Sox allowed beer in the dugout, Babe Ruth never would have left Boston.

Here are some other things Beckett, Lackey and Lester were probably not doing in the dugout during games:

●Playing bourré

●Auditioning teammates to find a fourth for their barbershop quartet

●Preparing their 2011 quarterly federal tax returns

●Giving each other flu shots

●Sharing shock at Ned Stark’s death on “Game of Thrones”

●Playing “MLB 2004”

●Updating Facebook status to “In Fenway dugout, not drinking beer”

●Using ketchup to try to reproduce Curt Schilling’s bloody sock

●Sudoku

●Debating the exact ingredients of the Colonel’s secret recipe

●Mani-pedis

●Filling out their Women’s World Cup brackets

●Comparing the final Harry Potter movie to the book to see what was left out

●One word: E-Trade

●Wondering what outrageous things they’d have to do to get their own ESPN commercial.

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