For the love of RGIII, Shanny, please take us with you!
Simply because of five straight victories, the entire organization — these players, this coaching staff, the front office, Tom the Security Guy Who Opens the Door to the Training Facility After Practice — has been re-imagined. We have vastly different perceptions of people we knew, heck, just six weeks ago.
Well, okay, all but one: Robert Gandhi III still walks on water. For everyone else, it has been makeover time:
Mike Shanahan at 3-6: Latest retread to take Dan Snyder’s millions and lose way too many games. Throws players under the bus after Carolina loss that he actually called a “must-win.” NFL passed him by in, like, 1998.
Shanahan at 8-6: Fearless leader whose brilliant ploy of pretending to throw in the towel rallied players to think like champions. Visionary, the only one who knew Kory Lichtensteiger was Russ Grimm-in-training, the personnel wizard who found “Amtrak” Alfred Morris in the sixth round and turned Tampa Bay’s discarded kicker into . . . Kai Foregone, Maker of Every Field Goal Ever Attempted. Genuine candidate for NFL executive and coach of the year awards.
London Fletcher at 3-6: He’s 37, all right — in dog years. Shouldn’t have been re-signed. Pro Bowler in name only, he’s now a slow, banged-up memory of a great linebacker. Sit him. Put the kids in.
Fletcher at 8-6: My man, 59! Didn’t I tell you this guy was the conscience and soul of this club? Savvy, old school, he’s just who the young bucks need to learn from.
Jim Haslett at 3-6: Oafish head of defense that gives up not just yards but entire continents. Relic. Only knows blitzing and “Bull in the Ring” drills. Schematically, he’s playing Electric Football in a Madden 2013 world.
Haslett at 8-6: Done more good with less talent on his roster than Cee Lo. Resourceful, ingenious, Haz is so advanced in defensive strategies he could camouflage a practice-squader a millisecond before he laid out Eli Manning.
Richard Crawford at 3-6: Who?
Crawford at 8-6: This Banks person you speak of? Once returned punts and kickoffs? I’m sorry; I’m not familiar with his work.
Daniel Snyder at 3-6: I don’t care what you say: It’s still his fault.
Snyder at 8-6: Damn if the owner didn’t finally get out of the way and let them all do their jobs. That’s maturity. That’s my kind of owner.
Bruce Allen at 3-6: Has anyone seen him? What does he actually do, organize alumni reunions? He’s the highest-paid cruise director since Julie from “The Love Boat.”