Super Bowl 2012, brought to you by the Couch Slouch
By Norman Chad,
I’m happy for the Giants’ Tom Coughlin, who, in any given season, goes from coaching for his job to coaching in the Super Bowl. I’m happy for America, which, for one day, shows the world it still is the No. 1 superpower for spectacle and sport. And, of course, I’m happy that the somewhat evil Patriots lost.
As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:
1:01 p.m. Eastern time: We go into locker rooms 5½ hours before kickoff. It’s like being on Wall Street at 4 a.m.
1:04: Alex Flanagan and Randy Moss at team hotels. Do you think the teams have to pay for late checkout?
1:46: Sports Illustrated’s Peter King reports a couple of things that probably aren’t true.
1:48: Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio reports a couple of things that probably aren’t true.
2:48: Brian Williams tells us “Rock Center” moves to Wednesday nights. I was hoping it was moving to the Cayman Islands.
2:55: We are reminded that the London Olympics are less than six months away. Check your local listings.
3:10: Bill Belichick opens up to Rodney Harrison, even admits working for the Sandinistas in the late 1970s.
4:32: President Obama, sitting with Matt Lauer, appears to be wearing the same shirt he had on when Lauer interviewed him three years ago on Super Bowl Sunday. Boy, it’s a tough economy.
4:33: Why does the president need to wear the American flag on his lapel? Isn’t that redundant?
5:10: Belichick wears a suit en route to the game, then switches to a hoodie for the game (in a dome). Now, that’s genius.
6:31: The game starts. It will intermittently interrupt the flow of commercials.
6:37: Giants punter Steve Weatherford wears a wedding ring on the field. That’s a level of commitment — to punting — I’d be unwilling to make.
6:41: Tom Brady — not used to getting touched by anyone other than his wife — gets flagged for intentional grounding in the end zone on the Patriots’ first play for a safety.
6:41:30: I believe a single Vegas tourist visiting off a bus from Boise bet on a safety to be the first Super Bowl score.
6:50: Patriots’ defense has 12 men on the field; Le Génie, Belichick, usually doesn’t cheat that openly.
7:17: Giants’ offense has 12 men in the huddle; that’s just because offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride can’t count.
7:20: In an ad, we see David Beckham virtually naked. Maybe I’ve been too hard on MLS.
7:29: It’s all about directional punting, my friends.
7:53: Half-price burritos today from Chipotle when you order six or more. Couch Slouch can’t resist a bargain: Who wouldn’t want 100 burritos for the price of 50?
8:00: Madonna headlines Super Bowl 46 halftime show. In related news, Justin Bieber just signed to headline Super Bowl 76 halftime show.
8:05: Madonna almost falls off step on stage; I’m sure her AARP health plan covers that stuff.
8:18: It’s halftime, America, and our second half is about to begin. But first this word from Chrysler.
8:22: My stepdaughter Mia comes into the room and asks if we can TiVo the rest of the game so that she can watch “Puppy Bowl VIII” on Animal Planet.
8:48: I just realized — I should’ve live-tweeted this game; a newspaper diary is so 20th century.
8:54: Brady’s left (non-check-cashing) shoulder might be banged up.
9:03: Brady throws a fourth-quarter interception, accurately predicted by the Mayans more than 2,300 years ago.
9:24: I could swear Danny Woodhead was working the register at Best Buy last week when I bought a big-screen TV.
9:33: Oh, a replay delay. Let me go do my taxes. (What a catch!)
9:44: Ahmad Bradshaw is lured into end zone for the potential game-winning score, much like an unsuspecting Dennis Rodman was lured by Madonna many eons ago.
9:52: If Rob Gronkowski catches that Hail Mary deflection, I move to the Galapagos Islands.
9:53: Patriots lose, 21-17. Even Einstein didn’t win every science fair.
Ask The Slouch
Q. My son just turned 11 and has started asking me a lot of questions. Which do you think I should try to explain first — the facts of life, the vastness of the universe or Stephen A. Smith? (Jeff Dent, South Charleston, W. Va.)
A. I’d start with the easiest one — the vastness of the universe — and proceed from there.
Q. On Groundhog Day, if Toni grabs you by the scruff of your neck, yanks you off the couch and you see your shadow, does that mean six more weeks of marriage? (Bob Lynch; Albany, N.Y.)
A. It usually means she just wants my lazy butt off the sofa so she doesn’t have to vacuum around my feet.
Q. Did Indianapolis send Mayflower vans in the middle of the night to move Coach Chuck Pagano? (Steve Leonard; Greenfield, Ind.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash! For Norman Chad’s previous columns, visit washingtonpost.com/chad.
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