Super Bowl 2014: The Couch Slouch viewing guide

The Post Sports Live crew discusses Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman's postgame comments and ask why more athletes do not speak as passionately following emotional games. (Post Sports Live/The Washington Post)
January 26

The Big Game is in the Big Apple — can it get ANY BIGGER THAN THAT? Super Bowl 48’s going to be so big, Michael Bloomberg probably will ban anabolic steroid containers larger than 16 ounces. Oh, he’s not in office anymore? I thought he cut another backroom deal to be mayor-for-life in NYC.

Well, whoever’s in charge in those parts, the Broncos and the Seahawks are bundling up to play ball! And as a public service, I am here to provide my 48th annual Super Bowl Viewing Guide (for Super Bowl Parties of Six or More):

The game is actually in New Jersey. Gov. Chris Christie has vowed to keep all lanes of the George Washington Bridge open through at least halftime.

The weather forecast is for it to be very cold, with a possibility it will be very, VERY cold. If the temperature at MetLife Stadium drops below 28 degrees, the NHL will play is annual Winter Classic between the third and fourth quarters.

Roger Goodell — who, after all, is just a regular guy like the rest of us — will attend the game and sit outside. His frozen body then will be airlifted to midtown Manhattan, where it will be erected as a statue honoring the commissioner at the entrance of NFL headquarters.

After Seahawks' quarterback Russell Wilson led his team to an NFC Championship title over the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday, the Post Sports Live crew looks at the 2012 draft class and debates whether Wilson, Andrew Luck or Robert Griffin III will win more Super Bowls in their careers. (Post Sports Live/The Washington Post)

Pepsi is sponsoring the halftime show; thus, it is called the “Pepsi Super Bowl XLVIII Halftime Show.” These are the soft drinks I will consume before any Pepsi: Coca-Cola, Dr. Brown’s Diet Black Cherry, Orange or Grape Crush and, on rainy days and Mondays, Fresca. Yes, Fresca.

Bruno Mars is the featured performer at halftime. Here’s the thing about Bruno Mars — and I think this speaks more to Couch Slouch’s pop-culture IQ than Bruno Mars’s career — I could not pick him out of a police lineup if the police lineup comprised only Bruno Mars, Tiny Tim, Jay Z and the Progressive auto insurance lady.

Let’s take a moment out to consider Peyton Manning. I want him to win it because if he doesn’t, we’ll again have to endure the gaggle of naysayers in regard to Manning’s postseason failures. He has been so good for so long — check that, he has been spectacularly good for so long. Tom Brady hasn’t won a Super Bowl in nine seasons; what, suddenly he’s chump change?

Let’s take a moment out to consider Richard Sherman. I can’t figure out the guy — smart and well-spoken off the field, breast-beating and trash-talking on the field. He’s like Winston Churchill moonlighting as a pro wrestler.

By the way, Richard Sherman and Pete Carroll have an unusual player-coach bond. As I wrote recently, Carroll — when he was defensive coordinator with the Jets — put his hands around his neck to make the choke sign after the Dolphins’ Pete Stoyanovich missed an extra point in a 1992 game. And now Sherman gave the choke sign to 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. This might be Carroll’s coaching legacy, unless he develops a putting-your-index-finger-in-your-mouth gagging maneuver.

I am not a fan of replay as an officiating tool, but I believe you should be able to RE-challenge one play a game. It would be like a court appeal. If you don’t like the referee’s decision, you throw the red flag again, and a higher authority — maybe Mike Pereira or Jeff Probst or Condoleezza Rice — reviews the call. They could adjudicate the whole thing from their own homes, in, like, less than 10 minutes.

If the Seahawks lose, I’m sure it will be the officials’ fault. The vox populi of the Pacific Northwest — hopped up on caffeine and cumulus clouds — still grumbles about the bad calls in the Seahawks’ 21-10 loss to the Steelers in Super Bowl 40. The ref that day, Bill Leavy, is prohibited from getting a cup of coffee within 175 miles of the Space Needle.

As it turns out, the laid-back cafe society in Seattle sipping its vanilla lattes has a real anger problem. When injured 49ers linebacker NaVorro Bowman was being carted off the field in the NFC title game, Seahawks fans threw food at him — nothing serious, like salmon or sea bass; mostly popcorn.

This could be the Super Bowl to end all Super Bowls. If so, this would be the last Super Bowl.

Ask The Slouch

Q. If the federal government took over the NFL, would there only be one team with all players and coaches having no football experience and everyone mandated to buy overpriced season tickets but no ability to actually go to a game? (W.B. Hunt; Houston)

A. Yes.

Q. Mike Krzyzewski just got his 900th win at Duke. Would you let him coach your stepson extraordinaire Isaiah Eisendorf? (Dan O’Brien; Chicago)

A. I give Coach K credit — he had the better team in nearly 550 of those games; in the other 350 or so, Duke just got all the calls.

Q. They played hockey at Dodger Stadium on Saturday. Did you go? (Adam Arens; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Traffic was so bad pulling out of my driveway, I went back inside and cranked up the air conditioning.

Q. Has Kim Jong Un called Richard Sherman in the last week? (Chris Hagen; Edgewater, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com, and if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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