Super Bowl: A win for Big Brother, a new conspiracy for Oliver Stone

February 4, 2013

Finally, Big Brother fought back. Serena Williams had trumped Venus and Eli Manning had out-clutched Peyton — and, of course, Albert Brooks always has been a bit funnier than Super Dave Osborne — but on Super Bowl Sunday, John Harbaugh outlasted bratty little sibling Jim for the family’s first Lombardi Trophy.

(Spectacular game, but, hey, New Orleans — no lights, no more Super Bowls. That delay caused dip issues for me.)

As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:

2:05 p.m. ET: CBS’s Solomon Wilcots is live at the Ravens’ hotel — I could swear I see two tiny bottles of shampoo in his right jacket pocket.

2:06: Steve Tasker is at the 49ers’ hotel and says the team “has rehearsed their snack schedule” — just like Couch Slouch does!

2:08: Packers’ Clay Matthews tells Greg Gumbel, “Somehow I tricked the execs at CBS to let me on set with you.” Shannon Sharpe did the same thing nine years ago.

2:53: Rachael Ray with the standard I’ll-show-you-something-to-cook-at-home-but-you-never-will-because-you-have-no-idea-what-you’re-doing-in-the-kitchen segment.

3:20: Boomer Esiason keeps shaking hands and high-fiving on the CBS set; is he running for office?

4:04: They show live shot of MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J., site of Super Bowl 48. Several Jets fans already are lined up at the beer concession.

4:08: “How Super of a Bowl is it,” my sage stepdaughter Mia wonders, “if Justin Bieber’s not even there?”

4:23: If CBS does one more heartbreaking pregame feature, I’m going to jump on the next raft and join Greenpeace.

4:35: So President Obama might not let a son of his play football. I doubt he would’ve said that a month before the election.

5:58: Maya Angelou for Union Bank. Really? What’s next, the Dalai Lama for Michelin Tires?

6:20: What’s with Jennifer Hudson? Have a Mallomar, sweetie.

6:22: Alicia Keys isn’t lip-synching the national anthem, but I think that was a player piano.

6:27: A black president and a black Super Bowl referee? This civil rights thing is moving at warp speed.

6:32: Every Super Bowl should start with a touchback — it allows us to catch our breath.

6:33: You prep for two weeks and have an illegal formation on the first play? Bad coaching, man.

6:35: Doritos get all the press, but Fritos are the bomb.

6:38: Delaware has now produced two Super Bowl quarterbacks, Rich Gannon and Joe Flacco. That would be like Taco Bell producing two Le Cordon Bleu instructors.

6:40: I believe that Colin Kaepernick, on his left arm, has tattooed the entire IHOP menu.

6:42: Every time Flacco drives for a touchdown, his asking price goes up a million.

6:46: I always wait until the first Budweiser commercial of the day to drink my first PBR.

6:54: I half expected David Akers to have a cigarette and a blindfold when he came out for his first field goal attempt.

8:09: Beyonce runs the Pistol offense at halftime.

8:32: Ravens’ Jacoby Jones returns second-half kickoff 108 yards to make it 28-6.

8:33: Most of my Super Bowl guests aren’t even arriving until the fourth quarter. Gosh, I’m going to have to entertain them myself.

8:37: The Superdome goes dark — my guess is Shannon Sharpe tripped over his tongue and caused a power outage.

8:45: Uh oh, Solomon Wilcots and Steve Tasker have the only live microphones. The White House could declare it a national emergency.

9:03: If this delay goes any longer, CBS might fly in Charlie Rose to fill.

9:32: 49ers score twice in 2:21 after lights mysteriously went out; Oliver Stone’s thinking he has a new film.

9:34: I remember I needed a power outage during my second honeymoon to change momentum.

10:05: These 49ers have made more comebacks than Robert Downey Jr.

10:20: When calls go against 49ers, Jim Harbaugh looks like his dad’s just grounded him for a week.

10:31: Is “Elementary” still going to be on?

10:34: 49ers fail on fourth and goal; Jim Harbaugh’s head explodes and Ravens survive, 34-31.

10:40: I imagine I’m the only one who thinks the 49ers win this game if they start Alex Smith.

10:45: Boy, Ray Lewis is going to be fired up in retirement with two Super Bowl rings and no murder charges.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I have a bet with my brother: I say the Pro Bowl was last played in 1993; he says it’s next week. Who’s right? (Dan Morgiewicz; Burke, Va.)

A. I’m going to give you each $1.25.

Q. If ESPN televised Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, Pa., would it be a weeklong event? (Binny Natto; Dormont, Pa.)

A. From your lips to Bristol’s ears, I fear.

Q. Will the Ford Motor Company resurrect the Mercury Cougar line and hire Danica Patrick to drive it? (Joe Ogle; Greenwood, Ind.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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