Super Bowl: Couch Slouch’s notes on Super Bowl Sunday

February 2

Nothing says Super Bowl week like bundling up to drive to the Bergen mall to shop for leg warmers you don’t need. And nothing says Super Sunday like sitting in 45-degree weather in the middle of a desolate New Jersey swamp. But at least the Seattle Seahawks were super in talking the talk and walking the walk; meanwhile, my sympathies to Peyton Manning, who will have to endure the yahoos deconstructing his legacy.

As usual, I took it all in:

2:02 p.m. ET: Fox’s Curt Menefee: “The Super Bowl’s so big this year, it takes two states to host it.” The first half’s going to be on Broadway?

2:05: The ring on Charissa Thompson’s left hand resembles an asteroid NASA has been tracking near Jupiter for 17 years.

3:04: We see Russell Wilson boarding “Team Bus 2.” Hey, QB1 should be on Team Bus 1.

3:47: Puppy Bowl, Kitten Bowl and Fish Bowl are on TV today. But no Kardashian Bowl? Some cable exec’s asleep at the switch.

4:34: Boy, Bill O’Reilly wants HEADS TO ROLL on Obamacare.

4:36: Boy, Bill O’Reilly wants HEADS TO ROLL on the Benghazi terrorist attack.

4:38: I think Bill O’Reilly was the first to call for Wayne Fontes’s job with the Lions in 1989.

5:51: Joe Namath in a fur coat. Huh. You get two outdated concepts for the price of one.

6:19: Broncos charge onto the field with a horse. Frankly, I’m surprised the horse made it into New Jersey in one piece.

6:21: An opera diva is singing “The Star-Spangled Banner”? Really? An opera singer? What type of range can she have?

Watch and re-watch the 2014 Super Bowl ads, from Stephen Colbert shelling for Wonderful Pistachios to a puppy befriending a Budweiser Clydesdale.

6:28: I think that’s the same coin the Supreme Court used to decide the Bush-Gore election in 2000.

6:33: The game’s opening play from scrimmage is a snap into the end zone for a safety? I won my prop bet!

6:49: Curiously, the decline of the Roman Empire began when they introduced the touchback.

7:01: Champ Bailey seems to have a pretty good view of Seahawks receivers as they run past him.

7:06: If I drank a PBR every time a Seahawk chirps or preens, I’d be the Joey Chestnut of beer.

7:13: In the Cheerios commercial, shouldn’t the interracial family be eating regular Cheerios and Chocolate Cheerios? Or at least Multigrain Cheerios?

7:43: If instant replay were around back then, I’m not sure the French Revolution holds up.

7:51: Pete Carroll probably pumps his fist when the traffic signal changes.

8:09: If I ever have a bar mitzvah again, I’m booking this Bruno Mars for the reception.

8:31: Percy Harvin’s 87-yard kickoff return makes it 29-0. I just might switch to “Shark Tank” on ABC.

8:33: This game is starting to mirror the run-up to my senior prom, when 17 consecutive girls turned me down, with a good deal of certainty and hostility.

8:38: Eric Decker seems to be auditioning for a remake of “The Invisible Man.”

9:04: Bob Dylan for Chrysler? What’s next, Franz Kafka for Skittles?

9:22: If any Seahawk ever wins a Golden Globe, they’ll celebrate so long the music will strike up before they ever get to the stage.

9:49: Still throwing the ball with two minutes left, Pete Carroll is thinking BCS standings.

9:50: I love that Budweiser commercial, but please note that neither the puppy nor the Clydesdale touches that swill.

9:54: For what it’s worth, Peyton Manning might also be the greatest regular season horseshoes player of all time.

9:55: I have a feeling I’m going to wake up tomorrow and Fox Sports 1 will be replaced on my cable system by Richard Sherman 1.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I’m thinking of making a last-minute impulse trip to the Winter Olympics. Any thoughts or tips? (Jonathan Cohen; Redondo Beach, Calif.)

A. The Sochi Applebee’s — right off Kurotny Prospekt, near the marina — might be the best Applebee’s anywhere.

Q. What do you think is the first thing David Stern did after retiring as NBA commissioner Saturday? (Don Matheson; Beaumont, Tex.)

A. Cancel his WNBA League Pass subscription.

Q. In your divorces, were any of your wives hit with a bucket of Gatorade? (Jim Boswell; Bowie)

A. The first one actually had the Gatorade spiked with Dom Perignon.

Q. I just saw a graphic on ESPN titled “Duke Foul Trouble.” Is this sports television history? (William Murray; Chicago)

A. No, that is fantasy.

Q. In refusing to talk to the media, do you think Marshawn Lynch was exercising his constitutional rights under the First Amendment or the Fifth Amendment? (Jeff Morris; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com, and if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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