(Neither of us is a poker player and one of us — the shorter, bespectacled chap — isn’t even a broadcaster, yet we yap away deep into the night with all the authority of Walter Cronkite at an Apollo launch.)
This year, the World Series of Poker concludes with a twin spectacle.
Next week begins the Main Event — the last great American gold rush — in which thousands of poker pros and part-time players put up $10,000 in the dream of becoming a multimillionaire.
And just before that comes the audacious $1 million buy-in Big One for One Drop, with $111,111 of each entry going to One Drop’s charitable efforts to provide safe drinking water worldwide. You need $1 million to sit at the table; for that money, the seats should at least vibrate, no? The creation of Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte, this event will attract nearly 50 players, a mix of very well-heeled businessmen and very well-backed poker pros.
Both the Main Event and the One Drop put the “wow” back in “Wowza!”
But all that glitters masks a gritty reality: There’s a lot of stagnant air in the poker world, and too many of the game’s best and brightest haven’t peeked outside lately to smell the roses.
Poker is at a crossroads — the game is under siege, both from outside forces and from within. As a poker community, we either can step up and be more productive citizens or step back and lurk in the shadows of mainstream America.
(Let’s start by rooting out the cheaters and any site operators who cheat the public.)
At the moment, the ban on online poker in the United States remains a blight on American freedoms. The ban — instituted April 15, 2011 and known as “Black Friday” in poker circles — is as intellectually stupid as it is economically senseless. Online poker should be legalized, regulated and taxed; the taxes alone could pay for the border fence so many are clamoring for, which in turn would keep out countless Mexican immigrants who come here to play poker illegally.
On the other hand, I am tired of hearing how Black Friday cost a lot of people a lot of money. Indeed, many poker pros lost their livelihoods. But the truth of the matter is: Black Friday saved even more folks a lot of money. After all, most people lose when they play. So the online-poker ban — while unfortunate, in terms of personal liberties — actually has put more money back into more people’s pockets.
Meanwhile, since Black Friday, some of the younger, online players have stumbled into card rooms — such as my poker home in Los Angeles, Hollywood Park — with all the social prowess of a fire hydrant. They don’t talk or listen very well — uh, it’s called a conversation — because they have been trapped in their bedrooms since their teen years, shades down, with the laptop screen illuminating their entire world six to 12 hours a day, clicking “bet,” “raise” or “fold.”
Anyway, to all of you online and offline pokerati, I’m asking you to realize we are surrounded by fellow humans.
So let’s interact with these other Homo sapiens in a more civilized fashion.
Let’s dress better and treat everyone better.
Let’s keep an eye on any friends or family with gambling problems.
Let’s understand that it’s just a game — granted, a wonderful, complex, multi-skillset game — and stop treating it like nuclear science; nobody just split the atom here, somebody just was smart enough to figure out that Seat 8 three-bet with 7-6 off-suit.
Let’s leave the card room once in a while to catch a sunset.
Let’s stop accosting people in bathrooms with bad-beat stories.
And let’s wash our hands before running back to the felt; trust me, we all can afford to miss a hand or two.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Ted Stevens, Barry Bonds, John Edwards, Roger Clemens — when’s the Department of Justice going to record a “W”? (Stephen Holt; Alexandria)
A. Shockingly, the Justice Department has become the Washington Generals of the legal system. Heck, those fellas couldn’t convict Benedict Arnold of treason.
Q. Do you feel good jinxing the Thunder last week, with your self-congratulatory pat-on-the-back for picking them to win the NBA title? (J.P. Harris; Indianapolis)
A. It reminded me of when I called all my friends in 1948 to tell them Dewey had beaten Truman.
Q. Who do you like in the Tour de France? (Rick Schwartz; Cleveland)
A. The bottled-water vendors.
(Note to Readers: Shirley is on a paid leave of absence.)
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash! For previous columns by Norman Chad, see washingtonpost.