washingtonpost.com: Good afternoon, and welcome to Viewpoint. Today Lonnie Carton, Ph.D., is joining us to discuss how to talk to children about underage drinking. Welcome Dr. Carton, let's get started!

Lonnie Carton: Thank you for having me here today. If you are joining me, you know that the teen years can be challenging for parents and teens themselves! I look forward to answering your questions and providing some guidance to help you parent positively.

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Alexandria, Va.: How can I de-glamorize drinking to my teens when the Hollywood and entertainment industry does the opposite?

Lonnie Carton: This is not an easy job. However, parents have the greatest influence on their teen’s decisions about whether or not to drink, according to the Roper Youth Report. One thing a parent might do is highlight just how unglamorous it is when an underage actor or actress gets into trouble for such illegal activities.

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Washington, D.C.: At what age do you feel it is best to begin talking with your children about drinking?

Lonnie Carton: Early and often. The best age is between 9 and 10 when children are still listening to us. For exactly how to do this, visit www.familytalkonline.com and you can get a free video and materials I have developed with other professionals in the field that can serve as a great learning tool for discussing underage drinking with your child.

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Raleigh, N.C.: I think my son came home drunk the other night. I am nervous to confront him about it - our relationship is already strained. Do you have any recommendations?

Lonnie Carton: Concentrate on improving the communication between you and your son before you mention the illegal drinking incident. One strategy you might try is to sit with him in a non-confrontational and non-judgmental way and ask him what he would do if he were the parent who found his son illegally drinking. Many youngsters who do not communicate well with their parents engage in risky behavior merely to get attention, so give him yours.

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New York, N.Y.: My wife and I both like to have a glass of wine with dinner. Our two teenage daughters have begun to ask us for a sip. How do you recommend we handle this situation?

Lonnie Carton: Most of the time, it’s unwise for parents to start something they may not be able to stop. What if after the first few sips, your teenagers insist they have a glass or two? Individual families may decide to handle this issue differently. As far as my own family is concerned, we chose to tell our children to wait until they were of age.

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Swansea, Ill.: What do you do when you know that your friend's son is taking alcohol from her home without her permission? Don't want to hurt our friendship.

Lonnie Carton: It depends upon how close the relationship is with your friend. If you feel that she would not get defensive and object to your interfering in her family matters, tell her of your suspicions. However, if you feel that telling her will strain your friendship, talk to her son first. Most parents would be grateful to know that their friends care enough to want to help. Wouldn’t you?

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Columbia, S.C.: I feel like a hypocrite telling my son not to do all the things I did when I grew up. Don't we learn from our mistakes?

Lonnie Carton: Keeping your son safe and following the law is not hypocritical, it’s a parental responsibility. The times have changed, as well. Just because you were lucky enough to avoid trouble, doesn’t mean that will be the case for your son. Also, you could consider talking with your son about the mistakes you made, so he can learn from them.

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Tulsa, Okla.: How can I keep my teen from drinking? Isn't that just a part of growing up?

Lonnie Carton: Positive parenting involves three roles…being a sculptor, caretaker and role model. We mold and shape good values of honesty and following the law, we protect and keep our teens safe, and we provide good role models. Allowing a teenager to use alcohol or assuming that drinking is a rite of passage for teens does not support any of these positive parenting values.

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Brooklyn, N.Y.: My son is a Sophomore in high school and I have noticed that he has starting wearing certain articles of clothing promoting various brands of alcohol/beer. Thus far, drinking has not been an issue and we generally have very open conversations about drinking and parties with alcohol etc. Do you think that I should discourage or prohibit him from wearing these items?

Lonnie Carton: If he’s not drinking, is doing well in school and you have open communication with him, why not ask him what he likes about these shirts and why he has started wearing them?

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Sacramento, Calif.: My son has been hanging around a crowd that drinks pretty heavily- he's been pretty open with me about his drinking but I'm concerned about the crowd that he's hanging around with. How can I be protective of him without telling him that he needs to find new friends and that he can't drink anymore?

Lonnie Carton: If he’s underage, he does need to stop drinking because it’s illegal. It will no doubt be difficult to stop him. Even if it initially causes friction between you, the short-term pain is worth the long-term gain. By doing everything in your power to stop him from drinking you may find that hanging out with this crowd becomes less attractive to him. One more thought, the fact that he’s open with you about his drinking may well be a call for help. Give him that help by setting firm and consistent no-drinking rules.

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Washington, D.C.: My husband and I would like to set up some sort of calling-tree or email-tree with other parents who also do not want their kids drinking underage, or attending parties where drinking is allowed....which will help establish a "safe" circle of sorts. I want to know that when my son goes to a friends home, that the parents are willing to uphold the law. Any suggestions on how we go about this? Should we ask the school to help facilitate getting our message out to parents? We have become increasingly aware of parents hosting and providing alcohol to underage kids in our school in the past few weeks, and are very troubled by the realization that it is still happening, and is so wide-spread!

Lonnie Carton: Your idea of a parent tree is an excellent one! It would be wonderful if all parents were this proactive. See if you can get your school, or maybe set it up through the parent/teacher organization, to call a parent/teacher meeting at which this idea is discussed and developed, and then set up a tree from there. If that doesn’t work, then start with your son’s friend’s parents and branch out from there. Good luck!

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Clinton, N.J.: How do I balance being a friend and a parent?

Lonnie Carton: A child’s best friend SHOULD BE his parent, not his pal. Parents are the adults, not age mates. Our job is to protect our children, to share our knowledge and values, and to help them make good decisions. As part of that protection, in helping them make good decisions, remember that “No” is a love word when said firmly, fairly and consistently.

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Alexandria, Va.: I have a 21 year-old daughter and a 17 year old son. I overheard them discussing her buying him beer for a party this weekend. How should I approach my two kids without angering them both?

Lonnie Carton: Talk to your children separately. First, tell your daughter that what she thinks is kindness towards her brother is not only helping him break the law, but may be responsible for putting him in an unsafe situation. Then, explain to your son that you are totally against him getting alcohol from his sister or anyone else because, to do so, is both illegal and unsafe.

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Columbus, Ohio: My son's grandfather gave him half of his beer the other weekend while we were watching the Ohio State game. I am not sure that I am comfortable with this behavior. Should I just ignore this?

Lonnie Carton: Grandpa is rooting for the wrong team -- the one that provides, not prevents, the illegal activity. Privately, and as discreetly as you can, talk with him about the fact that your son is told at home and at school that underage drinking is illegal. You would therefore appreciate grandpa’s support because it’s confusing to his grandson when his grandfather’s behavior contradicts the law, his parents and his teachers.

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Baltimore, Md.: Do you know of any positive role models in the entertainment industry that I can point my kids to?

Lonnie Carton: There are many positive role models in the entertainment industry, but actually it’s parents who are on center stage. The role models closest to home – parents – are the most influential ones. For more than 10 years, the Roper Youth Report has shown that the overwhelming majority of teens listed parents, not the media, not peers, as most influencing their decisions.

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Asheville, N.C.: My son asked me to buy alcohol for him and his friends. If I don’t buy it, won’t they just get it somewhere else?

Lonnie Carton: Prevent, Don’t Provide! No parent or other adult should provide minors with alcohol. It’s illegal and unsafe for both parties. And, as research shows us, most parents do not think it’s okay to provide alcohol or purchase alcohol for their teens or others’ teens at parties or gatherings. By choosing not to purchase alcohol you are a good role model for your son and his friends and you diminish the chance that he will drink illegally.

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Collinsville, Ill.: My son who is a Sophomore has been confronted by older team mates of his to drink. He has told us about this but it seems these upperclassmen are teasing him about it and bullying him. We can tell he feels very uncomfortable around them and avoids getting rides from them when he can. We feel our son did the right thing but how does he handle this treatment from the older boys?

Lonnie Carton: Congratulations to you as a positive parent and to your son. He is doing the right thing by being his own person and making wise decisions. Continue to listen to him and tell him how proud you are of him when he relates other bullying behavior by his teammates. You may want to explain that he will have to wait a while until they leave him alone. And until they realize he’s a strong leader and not a weak follower.

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Sacramento, Calif.: What is the best way to approach other parents who provide alcohol to teens during parties they have in their home? We often hear the excuse that it is better for them to get it in a safe controllable environment.

Lonnie Carton: A party that serves alcohol to underage drinkers has little chance of being either safe or controllable. Hosting these parties is illegal and irresponsible. Parents who serve alcohol at teen parties should be made aware of this fact. They should also recognize the dangerous effect their role modeling of illegal behavior has on youngsters. While adult supervision is critical in any party, parents can’t always supervise the situation. Those who insist upon serving alcohol to teenagers need to understand both the legal and social risks they take and the serious consequences they face.

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Lansing, Mich: I’m the parent of a 12-year-old girl. How can I protect her from getting involved in underage drinking?

Lonnie Carton: Give her the four “Rs”…The right information, regular supervision, responsible role modeling and reinforcement of family values. The right information means telling her that it is illegal for teenagers to drink and you do not want her to do anything that is illegal. Regular supervision means that when your child goes out you know the four “Ws” – where she’s going, with whom she’s going, what she’ll be doing and when she’ll be coming home. Good role modeling means that should your family use alcohol, it is done in a socially responsible way. Finally, reinforcement of family values means making sure she understands that her family values honesty, legality and safety.

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washingtonpost.com: Unfortunately, our time is up. We'd like to thank Dr. Lonnie Carton and all the participants in today's discussion.

Lonnie Carton: No one said it would be easy raising children today, and it isn't. Everyone needs help. We developed Family Talk About Drinking to help encourage parents to talk with their children about this very important topic. The Family Talk Web site, www.familytalkonline.com, is your resource as a parent. You can submit questions to me and periodically check for responses on the site. You can also visit www.myspace.com/positiveparenting for additional parenting resources. Thank you for taking the time to join us this afternoon. Working together we can help our children make responsible choices.

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