By Sarah Schafer
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, July 6, 1998; Page F09

It's the age-old dilemma of the teacher's pet. And it's probably worse in the workplace than it was in the fifth grade. How can you manage to be friends with the boss without getting the other "kids" angry or damaging your reputation?

Knowing how to read your organization's dynamics – and your boss's signals – can save you from creating bad blood among you, your boss and your co-workers.

"There's nothing better than working with someone you trust and admire," says Caela Farren, founder of Mastery Works, a career consulting firm in Annandale. In other words, working with someone you consider a friend.

But there are some rules you and your superior need to abide by if you're to buddy up. First, says Farren, make sure you and your boss "maintain an open-door policy." Literally. Everyone notices when the boss closes his or her door to speak to someone. If more often than not you're the one behind it, people will feel resentful.

Another rule from Farren: "Be inclusive rather than exclusive." When you're in a meeting, do you and your boss go off on tangents together, leaving the others in the dark? Next time, try to keep one-on-one asides out of the meeting. Also, your boss should be sure to solicit everyone's opinion equally. Help him out by not monopolizing the conversation.

Probably the most important thing for you to remember is to make sure your career network is not "boss-centered," Farren says. Befriending your boss can mean increased access to his ideas and contacts. But if you rely too heavily on one person to hold your network together, it could easily collapse if your friendship does.

Below, some thoughts and feelings from both sides of the equation on boss-employee friendships.

Legal Advice

Pape says he is friends with many of the young lawyers he supervises at the 128-lawyer firm. "But if they think they're going to spend every weekend with my family, that's a little too much."

Lunch? Fine, says Pape, but only on occasion; even once a month is probably too much. He prefers to balance his time, not spending too much with any one subordinate.

Asking the boss to lunch, instead of waiting for the invite, is okay, says Alan R. Schonberg, co-founder of Management Recruiters International Inc. in Cleveland and author of the book "169 Ways to Score Points With Your Boss."

"I want to have lunch with my key people because first of all I don't like to eat alone, and second, I feel I'm accomplishing something," Schonberg says. But, he adds, employees should never ask the boss to lunch without a specific topic in mind for discussion, such as a new customer contract or a problem in the company that needs to be addressed. Asking the boss to lunch to chit-chat or discuss personal issues is a no-no.

If you have a good relationship with your boss and feel comfortable discussing personal matters, it's probably still smart to follow the lunch rule. Chances are your boss is torn in more directions than you are. Let her decide with whom she wants to spend her lunch hour – or minutes.

Because law firms demand so much of young associates, being friends with the boss can work to your advantage in times of personal crisis, says David Pickle, a senior associate at Kilpatrick Stockton LLP in Washington. For example, if a divorce or death in the family makes it difficult for you to concentrate on work, you might want to let the boss know you're having trouble and that this is a temporary situation, not because you're slacking off.

It's always difficult to decide whether to fill bosses in on personal problems, "but it's a different calculation if you're not already friendly with them," says Pickle. Because you never know when you might need to explain sub-par performance, laying a trusting and comfortable foundation with the managing partner might help you avoid an embarrassing confrontation.

Most people know the boundaries of the boss/employee friendship instinctively, he says. If you don't trust your own radar, ask yourself these questions: Are you talking more to the managing partner about his job than you talk to your peers about theirs? Do you find yourself asking about his family at least once a day? Or, do you pop in to his office on the pretense of "just checking in?"

Remember, says Pickle, "don't try to compensate for your insecurity about your performance by checking in with the boss."

In the Pressure Cooker

All of the normal workplace dynamics are intensified in a restaurant setting, says Stern, who has worked in the business for 10 years. The grapevine works faster, the interactions are quicker, and the hours are longer. And, he adds, most people in the business are in it because they are social by nature. Friendships form quickly and across all lines. Think about it, says, Joanne Buenzli, 22, a hostess at Clyde's of Georgetown: "You get off work and you're already in a bar."

But, Buenzli warns, in this business – whether you are the manager or the employee – it's easy to let yourself get taken advantage of by a friend. "This is not my permanent job," says Buenzli, "so I don't have as much stake in" the company. But for the manager, she says, it's his life.

It's easy for transient people – those who wait tables as a second job, or who are merely passing time between jobs – to have a carefree attitude toward work. And if you are also friends with your manager, you might be even more likely to joke about being a little gruff with the customers, or a few minutes late for your shift. Instead, remember that your manager takes his job seriously and you'll probably be friends a lot longer.

On the other hand, don't let your manager turn to you to be company cheerleader just because you're his pal.

Says Buenzli, "You might think you're just doing favors for a friend, but maybe you're working more hours than you should, or going above and beyond the call of duty."

By the Government Book

Lisa Wolstenholme, a James Madison University student who spends her summers and school breaks working for the Census Bureau, says she's learning the rules of government friendships quickly. "It's no problem asking [the managers] how their kids are," she says. But with so many rules and procedures in place, she adds, many people are a little paranoid about even a hint of favoritism or impropriety.

Wolstenholme's department, for example, is responsible for doing timecards and keeping track of the staff's vacation time. She and her co-workers are careful never to let people fudge even an extra half-hour, friend or no friend. "The cards are carefully scrutinized," she says.

With increased scrutiny of government offices, many managers are even less likely to give friends special favors than they were in the past. Cindy Tucker, staffing assistant in the bureau's human resources division, says she is friends with her department head outside of work. But in the office, "if I mess up I'm going to hear about it. . . . She's totally by the book."

Assuming special treatment because of a friendship can backfire in any industry, says Farren, especially when it comes to succession. "Don't assume you're going to be [your boss's] replacement," she says. "They may deliberately bypass you to prove they're fair."

A final word of advice from Farren on being dubbed a teacher's pet. "You've gotta be so outstanding in what you do that your reputation can't be tainted . . . so that if someone says you're [succeeding because of your friendship] others will laugh and say it's not true."

Questions about getting ahead? E-mail Sarah Schafer at schafers@washpost.com.