Starting Lineup

Like everyone else, we're gearing up for Independence Day, a time to celebrate the things good ol' Americans hold dear, such as Mom, apple pie and guzzling beer while handling dangerous explosives. Of course, small-timers like us will be content to set off a few M-8os while waiting for the Big Blow-up over the Mall. But we know a few people who've gotten their (as yet intact) hands on more impressive, and colorfully-named, fireworks.

Shagadelic Mojo, Britney Spears: Books a return trip to the altar. Sources swear Britney is truly in love this time; in fact, she's even considering not lip-synching her wedding vows.

Rain of Fire, Shawn Simpson: Caps director of hockey operations is dismissed, continuing a front office purge that would make Mary-Kate Olsen blush.

Magic Crystal, John Weisbrod: Orlando GM is aware of perils of drafting an unproven high schooler No. 1 overall, but he's convinced Dwight Howard won't be another Freddy Adu.

Stink Bombs, Jerry Stackhouse and Christian Laettner: Wizards rid locker room of a couple of bad seeds. And in Laettner's case, a few stems as well.

Special Forces, "White Chicks:" Word is, they're actually a couple of undercover agents. Someone tell Robert Novak.

American Extravaganza, Michael Moore: Anti-Bush film "Fahrenheit 9/11" tops weekend box office. White House officials encourage moviegoers to see something more favorable to the administration, such as "the Day After Tomorrow."

Stellar Performance, Charles Howell III: Nails eight consecutive 3's at Booz Allen Classic. Avenel officials regret asking Gary Payton to help defend par.

Live Free or Die, Terps fans: University task force recommends last-ditch plan to curb vulgar behavior. Rule #1: no vice presidential visits.

Untamed Retribution, Dick Cheney: For his part, Veep says he "felt better" after cussing on Senate floor, explaining that, at this point, he was willing to take the uncovering of an F-bomb as a sign of progress.

Giant Cuckoo, Ted Watts: Wimbledon chair umpire let go after awarding player a crucial point she didn't earn. Watts is expected to return to his previous job, judging fights for Don King.

Barbarian Blast, Francesco Totti and Alexander Frei: Euro soccer players disciplined for spitting on opponents. David Duval does the duo one better, somehow producing a triple loogie.

Benched: Lollapalooza, college seniors, DMX, unfair golf courses, David Beckham, Venus.