Chatological Humor* (Updated 1.21.05)

A Chatological Scatological Mystery

Gene Weingarten (Richard Thompson - The Washington Post)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This week's poll:
Poll A:For Men Only
Poll B:For Women Only

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

_____________

Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

First of all, several people congratulated on my excellent column on family skiing this weekend. I have an important message for these people. Here it is:

Thank you! I also have a column in the BACK of the magazine.

I want to begin today with a chat challenge. This weekend I found myself reading an old book that first read, and loved, when I was about 18. It is Ellery Queen's mammoth collection of some the Greatest Dectective Short Stories, from 1841 through 1941. I remember reading this book voraciously, because some of these stories were indeed great, and all were entertaining. But I reread one that left my jaw slack. Ellery Queen declared it a "perfect" story, the highest accolade he (actually, they) gave. It is, indeed, one of the great classics of the genre: "Solved by Inspection," by Ronald Knox.

The astonishing thing is that this "perfect" mystery has a shocking flaw, one I did not see as a callow youth. It is a logical screwup of such immense proportion that it simply destroys the story. I am going to challenge you to find it. First one in with the answer wins live online flipflops! (And no, this is not like last week. There really IS something wrong.)

Here's the plot. Yes, it is wildly contrived, but that goes with the genre: It is a locked-room mystery in which the victim has apparently died of starvation while in the presence of a great deal of food.

A guru of a religious cult lives in a compound with his four main acolytes. The compound is a former elementary school. Every so often, he retires into a gigantic gymnasium, to be alone and meditate, sometimes for weeks. He locks himself in, so there are no distractions.

He does this one month, and is not heard from again. Four weeks go by, at the end of which the acolytes call the police, saying they suspect something is wrong because he is not answering their knocks. The police find the gym locked from the inside. No windows, only a few inch-wide slats for air in the ceiling. It is huge, basically a cube 60 feet long, wide, and high. So they break down the door, and they find the guru lying in his bed, in the very center of the gym, with his bedsheets all around him, dead of starvation (and/or thirst; this is never really made clear). There is nothing else unusual about him, the bed, or his condition in it. Here is the amazing thing: All around him in the room is food that he had brought in with him. Figs, dates, apples, some rotting, some fine, but all of it untouched. The acolytes theorized that he must have put himself deep into a trance and never came out, or something. The detectives suspect foul play - the acolytes stand to make millions from his death. But they are stumped until the Great Detective arrives.

Okay, here is the solution given in the story: He had, in fact, been murdered. The acolytes had given him sleeping pills the day he went into the gym, so he slept very soundly. While he was asleep, they lowered four long ropes with grappling hooks (the gym ropes, which had been kept in storage) down through the inch-wide ceiling slits, and pulled all the sheets off the bed and up through the slats. The, acting together, they lowered the rope again and slowly hoisted the bed fifty feet off the floor. Then they left the guru there. He spent days and/or weeks there in terror, unable to do anything but starve. His screams went unheeded. He could not jump, because he would die. He had no bedsheets to fashion an escape. Then, when he was dead, they lowered the bed, threw the sheets down on top of him, and called the cops with their story.

Ingenious, fascinating and one can understand why this was considered a classic.

WHAT'S OBVIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE EXPLANATION? First right answer wins.

It was a good comic week. Below I give my choices for Picks of the Week, and runners up.

The poll today is not one where there are right or wrong answers. But I have already written my predictions for what YOU will say, and why, and what I chose, and why. I'll cut and paste it in later in the chat.

Lastly, some of you may have noticed an obituary on Monday for Marjorie Williams, a Washington Post writer and columnist. Marjorie was a friend, and one of the best writers and best people I've ever known. I have asked Liz to link to Marjorie's last story; she wrote it right after Halloween, knowing she would likely not survive another year. This is the most important link, today. If you read nothing else, read that.

Okay, let's go.

_______________________

Gaybla, DE: Gene -- I found your poll to be heterosexist--as a gay man, how can I answer the men's poll, when I'm not attracted to women in the first place. So what am I supposed to do, vote in the women's poll? Or not vote at all? Do you realize how offensive it is for gay men to be grouped with women like that or to be excluded altogether?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I know. I was going to put some sort of elaborate explanation about how gay people might approach this, but then I decided it would sound patronizing. I figured gay people would KNOW how to approach this, or not.

I could not figure out a way to make this all-inclusive. No offense was intended, and I apologize if any is taken.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Comic Picks of the Week:
Frazz, (Jan. 18)
Boondocks, (Jan. 16)

Runners Up:
Pearls Before Swine, (Jan. 14)
Speed Bump, (Jan. 15)

Marjorie Williams: The Halloween of My Dreams, (Post, Nov. 3, 2004)

This week's poll:
Poll A:For Men Only
Poll B:For Women Only

_______________________

Po, OR: I, like Huey, don't get it. Any ideas as to what McGruder's getting at today?

washingtonpost.com: Boondocks, (Jan. 18)

Gene Weingarten: Yes. I think it is that Huey has ridiculous hair, but he isn't seeing it.

_______________________

Wow, imagine that. It's cold outside!: Mean Gene, no wonder newspaper circulation keeps declining! I go to work yesterday with my jacket on bundled tight thinking wow, it's cold out! I get home from work still saying to myself, "gosh darn, is it cold!" But never would I have really believed myself until I turn on the news and the top stories indeed confirm it, "holy crap it's cold out!" And in the winter even! THIS IS NOT NEWS While The Post is putting such irresponsible headlines like "Bush Honors MLK" and "Violence Continues In Iraq" our local news leaders are telling me what I already knew when I walked outside. I guess it isn't really so unless they say it first.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I know. Hey, I mentioned to Pthep this morning that my dog simply didn't mind the cold at all, and it was awesome. And she made an interesting observation: She wanted some of whatever is that stuff on the bottoms of dogs feet.

_______________________

Calgary, Canada: Sorry Gene, But the poll is flawed. As a woman with almost exclusively male friends, I can tell you that in the long run, men will be motivated to answer in an appropriate fashion, but if they knew that women wouldn't hear it, and the men didn't want to impress you, they would answer the poll very differently. I have asked several male coworkers and they all rpetty much agree here. I think that the result of this poll will be that women will be perceived not to trust men, but the men are lying.

Gene Weingarten: I don't think this is right. This is totally anonymous. Why wouldn't men tell the truth?

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene, congratulations on syndication. Are you going to change your writing at all now that you have to win over the rest of the nation?

Gene Weingarten: Thank yuou. No. So I probably won't win over the rest of the nation.

_______________________

My Bedroom, USA: Gene,

I did lie awake in bed last night well into the morning hours contemplating the debate on the roo roo joke. My thesis on the subject, which I formed in my head, concluded that the original version of the joke was not in fact the version that you prefer but was more complex and that your version was a distortion. I also concluded that your version of the joke was indeed funnier than the original. I proved my theory through six logical points citing comic timing, word complexity, and the experience of hearing many, many jokes screwed up over the years. I was proud of what I considered my comic doctoral thesis. When I looked over at the clock and saw that it was 1 a.m. I realized that there was something wrong with me and I might need to seek professional help. So you see, this is not so much a question as it is a statement...
GET OUT OF MY HEAD WEINGARTEN!

Gene Weingarten: In my opinion, the roo-roo joke has not been debated ENOUGH.

_______________________

An answer: He could have just climbed down the gym ropes!

(I loved the TV series, never read the books.)

Gene Weingarten: No, if he somehow dislodged a rope, the bed might have fallen. Also, the ropes only went UP.

_______________________

Pittsburgh, Pa.: Why didn't the Guru throw the mattress onto the floor and jump onto the mattress?

Or was he too spiritual for mattresses? Bed of nails, perhaps?

Gene Weingarten: Possible answer, but not a good one. He probably would not have survived a fifty foot leap, even onto a mattress. (Also, he was afraid of heights, a fact I omitted.)

_______________________

Columbia, Md.: I thought the format switch at WHFS last week was both sad and funny. Although, I'm not sure what was funnier: Infinity abruptly broadcasting Spanish music without warning, or the scores of HFS listeners who expressed shock and outrage that a giant, profit-first corporation would have the gall to do such a thing. The whole affair had such a WKRP feel to it, which, if I'm not mistaken, had an episode based on a format change from rock to country. Did you find the WHFS situation humorous? And do you think WKRP is underappreciated? The episode where they were dropping turkeys from a helicopter and they were hitting the ground "like wet bags of cement" is my all-time favorite. I'm not trying to put it on Seinfeld's level, but it seemed like a great sitcom in its day that is now forgotten.

Gene Weingarten: The turkey episode ranks among sitcoms' 10 finest moments.

_______________________

He'll chat about anything??: Even if it's not funny...? OK, here's my question. You have casually disclosed in this forum that you shot up heroin as a young man, so I'm assuming that your children have long since known about that. How did you discuss it with them, and did you try to discourage them from doing likewise (or something comparable) or did you figure that if you survived, they would, too? Did you successfully bridge the "do as I say, not as I do" divide?

I have the opposite problem. I never tried anything in my unspent youth. When I was eight the daughter of a friend of my dad's took LSD and jumped out a window to her death, and somehow (wish I could remember how) my dad used this event to put the fear of god in me where drugs were concerned, not because they might lead to death but because of the possiblity of brain damage. So I was never even tempted. But I can't count on that with my kids, and I wonder what I will say when they ask how I can know if I never tried it?

Gene Weingarten: I would say that in your case, there is ample evidence around to point to, plus the case from your childhood, no?

My kids don't emulate me in general; if anything, my history will dissuade them.

(I have tended not to moralize; but please remember, my screwing around with drugs almost killed me. For eight years, they thought I might be dying of Hepatitis C, and I told theme where I got it.)

_______________________

Pittsburgh, Pa.: Oh, and certainly there wouldn't be 'nothing else wrong with the bed.' It would be covered in scatology. Or the floor would be. Or, most likely, both.

Gene Weingarten: Clapclapclapclap. This is the winner: Give your name and info to Lizzy.

_______________________

Anonymous: My eyes are so filled with tears, I can barely see the monitor. I am truly sorry for the loss suffered by Marjorie Williams' family & friends. What a beautiful and stunning piece.

Gene Weingarten: If you read her other stories over the last few years, you would be similarly moved.

_______________________

Wotthehe,LL?: Okay, can we officially target "Opus" for elimination at this point without having to turn in our Comic Strip Connoisseur cards? The Sunday gag was so old it probably predated many of the people reading it (and Breathed could have added "the computer is down" while he was at it). But what word-processing program since early versions of Word/Windoze doesn't have an automatic-save function? It's almost impossible to "lose" that much material unless you deliberately set yourself up to be that vulnerable. Time to turn over that blatant advertisement for his new movie to better strips (may I suggest "Heart of the City" or "9 Chickweed Lane"?)

Gene Weingarten: Nah, Opus has been mostly quite good. This weekend was weak. It was a weakend.

_______________________

It's Effing Cold In Embarrass, Minn.: Hi Gene - I am posting early because I like to read that phrase in people's postings. Is Friday's Dilbert offensive? My wife says so, and since she doesn't often read "Dilbert," I assume one or more of her friends did and was offended by it, starting a chain of outraged e-mails and postings as can only be done on the Internet.

Gotta go, something just fell off the brass monkey.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, it is offensive, and pretty funny.

_______________________

Arlington, Mass.: Oh grand arbiter of humor, arbit this. I have two bad analogies. Which one is funnier?

Like a rubber band stretched across a football field, Frank was ready to snap.

Like a rubber band stretched across a football field, Frank was about to be launched into the air.

I like the second one, but it works best if the listener is expecting the telegraphed punchline of the first one.

Gene Weingarten: Well, the second one is funny only after the first one.

_______________________

The Frozen North: Wormlegs may hate this, but I think that it's right up your alley.

washingtonpost.com: That's lovely. You're a gentleman and a scholar.

Gene Weingarten: Very nice!

_______________________

New York, N.Y.: Please tell me that story about you and Dave at the beach isn't true.

Gene Weingarten: Sadly, it is true.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Personal to the winner: We need your real address, not your e-mail address.

_______________________

Seattle, Wash.: Hey Gene,
This chat has refined my comic-reading skills. I think I have you to thank for my amusement last Wednesday (the 12th) when I noticed three comics with the same theme. First, Ziggy, then Lockhorns, and finally Bizarro (which explains the theme).

Gene Weingarten: Yes, only in cartoons are those worn. And that bizarro is great.

_______________________

Brussels, Belgium: Gene,

Here is a stiff test of your humor abilities.

I'm an American living in Brussels, which is quite a charming city (especially as so few Americans know where it is, or even what country it's in), with the one main exception of poop. Dog poop in particular. As you seem to be an expert in both dogs and poop, I figure you might also be an expert in dog poop.

There are city ordinances that require dog owners to clean up after their dogs, but by and large Belgian dog owners do not follow said ordinances. Said dog owners look on admiringly, or at least ignoringly (if that's a word), as their pooches go poop any old place the mood strikes, whether it's in the middle of the sidewalk, in the crosswalk, or on your front stoop. It is even worse after rain, when it runs into the cracks of the everpresent cobblestone sidewalks, spreading like so much spilled yogurt in a dairy aisle.

The Belgians, despite a love of comic books (e.g. Tintin), are a rather dour and literal people, exceedingly immune to sarcasm. They also speak French and Flemish (Dutch), two languages I do not speak, although I am attempting to learn French, the language of most Bruxellois. (Although, by and large, many also speak English, which doesn't motivate my French-learning very much.)

So, the challenge is thus: how do I counteract head-on a Belgian dog owner's laissez faire attitude toward poop-scooping using humor of a universally wordless kind, or with simple English and/or pidgin French?

Your help is much appreciated.

Cheers,
an American in Brussels

Gene Weingarten: Before I went to Paris last year, I learned a phrase in French that was said to open all manners of doors: "Bonjour, Madame (or Monsieur), excuse-moi de vous deranger..." It means, literally, Good day sir or madam, forgive me for bothering you.... But, when uttered in a lamentably bad French accent, it carries additional weight, and will be heard thus: "Forgive me, a miserable unsophisticated foreigner, for taking up the time of one so busy and worldly as your august self, but..."

Now, here is the key. You must walk around with a plastic bag, and when you witness an act of public pooping, you collect the poop, run up to the Belgian, use the expression, and then extend the poop, as though you were presenting an hors deouvre, adding "votre merde."

It should work.

_______________________

Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: Gene: What do you make of today's Curtis?

This is beyond not funny, it seems to me. Spousal abuse as a comic strip gag? If the male/female roles were reversed, I dare say that Mr. Billingsley would be looking for a new line of work this morning.

Gene Weingarten: I was slackjawed. Of course Curtis gets into smoking, and infidelity and a lot of really edgy stuff. This one is a problem, seems to me.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I want to compliment the PBS strip you linked to for a different reason than you did: the juggling pattern actually looks about right. I juggle somewhat seriously and am constantly annoyed with juggling drawings, which usually show a person with a semicircle of balls evenly spaced above his head. First, most juggling patterns don't follow a path anything like that; second, even if they did, since balls move slowest at the top of the pattern and fastest at the bottom, there is no way they could be evenly spaced.

Gene Weingarten: This is quite nerdy, but since I juggle, I find it a worthwhile and fascinating observation.

_______________________

Warrenton, Va.: I recall a Post editor saying that the paper would appeal to more readers if the stories were shorter. I hope the reaction to the dumbing down of the crossword puzzle has disabused this editor of such notions and given him greater respect for the intelligence of the Post's readers.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes, I got a call from the editor of the new crossword puzzle last week, asking if I had actually solved the puzzles before I criticized them. Sheepishly, I had to admit I had not: I had taken the word of several readers, whom I know and trust, that it was too easy.

So I did the week's work. Here is my report:

They are all too easy, except for Saturday's, which was actually challenging. That's not good enough.

And yes, I am guessing the editors learned something from readers' reactions. I learned that lesson every week, watching the Style Invitational entries.

_______________________

"Perfect" Mystery: As with seemingly everything in this chat, it comes down to poop. As in, "there ain't any."

Gene Weingarten: Precisely my point. I was ill-equipped to see this flaw as a youth. But it has become my field of study.

Really, I think it survived all this time because it was writ in a more genteel period, and no one THOUGHT about poop. Poop and bathrooms are seldom mentioned in books writ before the 1940s.

_______________________

Cra, PA: I don't see how Pittsburgh's answer exposes some logical flaw in the mystery. Are we assuming that a man in a mystical trance doesn't excrete? Mystical trance or starvation, it is safe to assume some human effluvia will be found and around the bed, no? I don't buy it - or I just don't get it - or I'm too damn tired and am missing the obvious.

Gene Weingarten: He spent DAYS on that bed. There was no mention of any poop or pee; had he starved himself, he would have used the bathroom, until the very, very end. When there would be NO effluvia. But that bed, given the murder, would have been drenched and reeking. It would have been the very first clue.

_______________________

Poll: "This is totally anonymous. Why wouldn't men tell the truth?"

Because they want to believe they're better than they are. Duh.

washingtonpost.com: This week's poll:
Poll A:For Men Only
Poll B:For Women Only

Gene Weingarten: If you say so.

_______________________

Willia, MS: Gene--While you're at it, I think David von Drehle deserves some recognition for Marjorie Williams's obituary

washingtonpost.com: Columnist Marjorie Williams Dies, (Post, Jan. 17)

Gene Weingarten: It was a great obituary.

_______________________

Queens, N.Y.: My roommates and I are engaged in a ferocious battle. At issue: which are better, corn tortillas or flour tortillas? My roomies contend the latter are the only way to go. I think they've gone absolutely batty. What do you think?

Gene Weingarten: Well, I don't know. I hate to admit ignorance in any area, particularly about food, but I Just Don't Know. Mexican is not among my favorite food ethnicities, and when I partake I tend to go toward the higher-end fare: ceviche, grilled shrimp dishes, slow-cooked pork masitas, and the like. I think when I do order tortillas, I lean to flour, but I'm not sure I even know what a corn tortilla tastes like. So I'll throw this open to the world.

I will say that one delicious moment in years past came when I was part of a journalism fellowship at Harvard some many years ago. One of the fellows was a Mexican American editorial writer from the LA Times, a very smart, nice guy whose had a single annoying habit: He tended to go on and on a bit about his ethnic heritage. Virtually any question was couched in terms of his being a Mexican American.

One day our guest speaker was Julia Child. In the question and answer session, this guy raised his hand and asked a very long, intricate, somewhat pompous question, which I will herein summarize: "It has often been postulated that there are two main, great types of cuisine: Rice-based (Asian), and Wheat-based (European). But might it not be said that there is a third great global cuisine, able to take its place at the table next to the first two, an equal partner, namely, corn-based cuisine, developed by the ancient Mexicans, and serving today still as the diet staple of a hundred million souls in South, and central America, and of course, Mexico, and the American southwest?"

And Julia Child sort of rolled her eyes, and said, "No."

_______________________

Woo, Gene!: Please tell me you saw this, Gene... woo! This is too much for me!

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Fox says it covered up the naked rear end of a cartoon character recently because of nervousness over what the Federal Communications Commission will find objectionable.

The latest example of TV network self-censorship because of FCC concerns came a few weeks ago during a rerun of a "Family Guy" cartoon. Fox electronically blurred a character's posterior, even though the image was seen five years ago when the episode originally aired.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, man....

We are living in scary times. And the scariest thing is, I mean it.

_______________________

Ellicott City, Md.: On the Child/Childless question. My brother and I are in are 30s and now my parents have reverted to "childless" status. They complain about taxes going to the schools (based on house price which skyrockets and where is all this money going...) which they would not have said anything about if my brother and I were in school. So, do you see yourself switching sides on some things as your kids progress from school to work world to families of their own?

Oh, and Richard's Poor Almanac is great!

Gene Weingarten: I think most of us tend to vote our selfish interests. The distinction is whether we are smart enough to understand our selfish interests. I, personally, think it is to my selfish interest to have the current generation of kids be smarter and better educated than I was. When I am 70, I want the 40-year-old oncologist to be very, very sharp, if you see what I am saying.

_______________________

Federal Metric Promoti, ON: I have a serious problem, and I've come to believe that only you and your readers can help:

I remember a government PSA campaign from the late 1970s (when I was about five years old) promoting the metric system. It was a cartoon featuring, I think, blobs with faces advocating for a switch to the metric system -- and it was about as effective as Carter's Whip Inflation Now campaign. Nobody I've talked to seems to remember this, and no amount of Googling turns up any evidence of it. I've even written to the federal agency in charge of promoting the metric system, but got no response.

These ads haunt me, and I believe that God has called on me to create the Web site memorializing these ads, but everyone seems to think I'm making it up. But the lyrics to the allegedly catchy tune are beyond my powers to create. I'm hoping you or your faithful fans have some recollection of this. Here's all I remember of the jingle:

Take Ten America to learn the metric way It's simpler, more accurate
More universal, too
It's good for our economy, our country
And for You
Now a meter (a meter!)
Is a little more than a yard
Think about it that way and
It's really not so hard
Now a liter (a liter!)
Is a little more than a quart
[can't remember the rest]

I know from Dave Barry that people put shotgun pellets into highway signs measured in kilometers, but I can't find a thing about this utterly stupid ad campaign. Since you are king of everything that is stupid and funny, I beg for your help. Please call on your fans (including federal employees who should be working instead of reading this chat) to help me out with this. Thanks!

washingtonpost.com: Schoolhouse Rock, I believe. In fact, there's mention of the metric song on this page.

Gene Weingarten: Okaaaaay....

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: What is a brass monkey?

Gene Weingarten: Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt....

_______________________

Men and back injuries: Here is my completely unscientific explanation of why men throw out their backs more than women. My qualifications: I am the only woman in the kitchen where I work, and we all lift heavy things all day.

Basically it boils down to lifting stuff. In general men have more upper body strength, so they lift heavy things with their arms/backs because they can. When guys are 20-ish their bodies are resilient and they develop life-long bad-lifting habits. This comes back to haunt them when they're older and they're still lifting the same way. Back spasms don't always occur right after lifting, either -- I once had knife-in-the-back-I-can't-breathe spasms two days after an ill-fated attempt at surfing.

Women lift with their legs for two reasons: they have less upper body strength and more flexibility in their legs, especially hips. (A hip flexibility test/example: sit cross legged on the floor. If you made it that far, keep your back straight and lean forward as much as possible. Women typically can go further forward than men). Women can easily squat down and lift using their legs as leverage.

Gene Weingarten: All of this makes sense to me. My wife can sit on the ground, stretch her legs out, and touch her toes. I will no longer even make that effort, because of the laughter it provokes.

I think another factor here is simply that women;s center of gravity is lower. It's as though they have one of those lifter's back braces, built in.

_______________________

Potomac, Md.: None of the "sitcoms" on the UPN or WB television networks are funny. They aren't original, clever, inspiring or even intelligent.

With the sitcom drain at CBS, ABC and NBC in recent years (Fox actually produces a decent number of them), you'd think that all of the talented producers, directors and writers would churn out at least a few quality situation comedies for UPN and WB. But as it is now, the shows on those networks are just horrible.

Actually, they're just a little worse than the sitcoms cluttering up CBS, ABC, NBC and Fox. This is really the worst era, ever, for television situation comedies.

And, let's face it, the reigning ratings leader, "Everybody Loves Raymond," hasn't been funny for two or three years, and Patricia Heaton wore out her welcome about six years ago.

Gene Weingarten: Do you think "Everybody Loves Raymond" was ever really good? Even at the beginning, it was a poor cousin to "Malcolm In the Middle."

_______________________

Silver Spring, Md.: "For one thing, it strains credulity to think anyone would choose death over virtually any indignity that left you alive."

You don't really believe this do you?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I do. You don't?

I believe if I wound up alive, and not horribly physically injured, I would choose any personal indignity over death, up to and including hours of sustained roo-roo at the hands of jungle savages. I would think I could handle mentally recovering from this, so long as I was victimized, and not at fault.

The exception -- and this is not covered under the roo-roo debate -- is that I don't think I would choose something over death if it left me wracked with guilt. I would die to defend the life of a loved one, for example. I like to THINK it is because of some innate goodness, but it might be because I knew I could not live with the guilt of not having done so. I'd tear myself apart, and probably wind up killing myself.

_______________________

Kensington, Md.: Say Gene, for no particular reason, could you please suggest something that would be a wildly inappropriate commercial, sponsor, or halftime entertainment for this year's Super Bowl?

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. No.

_______________________

Fairfax, Va.: Regaring the answer to the mystery, Poop may be necessary, but not sufficient as the answer.

Bodies decompose quickly. If the mystic has been dead for more than a couple of days, his entire body contents would have turned to maggot-infested goo, and the goo would have seeped all over the bed and down onto the floor, where they would have mingled with any excrement.

Or are you telling us that you can always find the poop in a situation?

Gene Weingarten: The story made it clear that the body was intact, but was starved, with all the attendant symptoms.

_______________________

Funniest Sitcom Line Ever: Arthur Carlson: "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly"

Gene Weingarten: Certainly among the funniest? We got any other nominations?

_______________________

Sudden death: Can roo roo possibly be as painful as the ad nauseum discussions of roo roo? It almost makes me nostalgic for the Flash...

washingtonpost.com: For real.

Gene Weingarten: Wait, there is a Flash observation here, somewhere. ...

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I was reading Achenbach's new column. I thought it could have been funnier, but he's a funny guy, and I'm sure it will improve.

More importantly, it made me wonder: could the Flash ski downhill really fast? Because it's gravity that makes skiiers fast, not their own speed. So would he be a regular speed skiier but he could unclip his boots and run really fast down the mountain, and then put his skis back on and just say he skiied fast, because it would be about 10 minutes before anyone else got to the bottom of the mountain and all they'd see would be a small blizzard?

Gene Weingarten: Here we go. Achenbach is a lot funnier than I am. I figure my column has about six weeks before it is jettisoned.

_______________________

Philadelphia, Pa.: I met a woman who has a gay male roommate. She states they are not intimate, but they sleep in the same bed. Warning signals are going off in my head, but I am not certain why. Am I being paranoid, or is there something really flawed with that picture?

Gene Weingarten: I ... I just don't know what to say. I'm intrigued.

_______________________

Annapolis, Md.: Hi --

Armstrong Williams recently admitted to taking $240,000 from the Bush administration to shill for them.

Do you get money from President Bush to shill for him?

If you've been getting money from the Bush administration, then the folks in the administration have my sympathy because you are doing a lousy shilling job!

I think President Bush should ask you for the money back, because, frankly your shilling has been below par.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, I have been sending Bush money, to keep behaving like an idiot, so I will have material.

_______________________

Beulah, ND: My attendance is irregular, at best, so I'll offer this when I have the chance.

RE: last week: Lileks is a conservative? I thought he was funny! (Begging the questions: Are conservatives funny? Can they be?)

At any rate, among other work experiences, I spent 17 years in journalism, and I've been reading them/you/us all my life.

I feel that, by definition, all journalists are liberals, for the following reasons:
1. They have an opinion.
2. They have the ink, and space, to express that opinion to the general public. (In a country with a free press... are we still there?)
3. They have answer(s). Whatever their opinion, whatever the problem, they have (or at least, suggest) an answer, a fix, a change that will make things better.
4. They will do this with Other Peoples' Money. (Admittedly, conservatives will claim "fiscal accountability," but it is still OPM.)

Your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: 1. You misused "Begging the question."
2. I never said conservatives can't be funny. Conservatives probably have an easier time being funny, because they aren't so earnest.
3. I have no idea what your list means. Journalists tend to be liberal -- and have ALWAYS tended to be liberal, even before Edward R. Murrow --for several reasons.

I have said this before, predicted it would rile people, which it did. Among these reasons is that they tend to be more knowledgeable about current events and politics than most people. Another is that live in big cities, living and working among ethnically diverse people. Check out the blue-red divisions in America. Blue areas are almost all citified. And lastly, conservatives tend to ride symbolic issues -- flag burning, gay marriage and whatnot. Skeptics tend to view symbolic issues with great skepticism, and journalists are paid skeptics.

Yes, I know. I am an idiot.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: So you used to be an editor . . . now you're a writer. Isn't that, like, a step down?

Or is it geographic? Better to be a writer in D.C. than an editor in Miami, like it's better to be a copy boy in D.C. than a publisher in Battle Mountain?

Gene Weingarten: I believe it was Popeye Doyle who said, "I'd rather be a fire plug in New York than mayor of Paris."

In journalism, heirarchies are not that simple, and labels of "editor" and "writer" do not necessarily imply differences in stature. For example, I used to be Tom the Butcher's boss. Now he is my boss. Does that mean that my career is in a tailspin, and that I am doomed to a succession of increasingly inferior jobs until people begin to talk behind my back about "deadwood" and I wind up with six elderly fans who read me in the local public library?

I have to go lie down now.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Nominee for funniest sitcom line:

"And you wanna be my latex salesman..."

Jerry to George, who is prostrate on Jerry's floor, pants around the ankles, after Kramer answered the call from the unemployment officer looking for Vandelay Industries.

Gene Weingarten: A fine line.

_______________________

Panty State: After reading last weeks chat about the pervs that routinely steal panties out of the trash, you can bet your boots I will be washing those babies before throwing them out. This was the most horrifying thing I have read on any post.com chat, ever.

Gene Weingarten: Really? Man, I thought we've done a lot worse here.

_______________________

Men vs. Women: The Picture Question: I'm reading "I'm With Stupid" and I think it is affecting my judgment. In a staff meeting today, a colleague was discussing an initiative to add a photo of each employee to his or her listing in our intranet staff directory. He said that he was having to write a script to allow people to opt out of having their photo displayed. Someone commented that now there won't be any photos displayed and I blurted out, "No, there will only be the men's photos." I think I was channeling you. I immediately threw my hand over my mouth in horror but everyone heard it. Since it was a mostly male gathering, there was laughter, but one of the women commented that the person taking the staff photos was getting the most flak from men. I have my doubts about that.

Since I'm not done your book, I'm wondering if you and Gina address the male/female approach to having their pictures taken.

Gene Weingarten: We don't.

If I were a woman, I think I would not want my photo in an interoffice directory. I know how men sometimes browse these things. I am guessing women do not browse.

_______________________

Funniest sitcom line: Ed Asner on the Mary Tyler Moore Show: "We have got to get this show on the air! I don't care WHAT the mayor says -- damn the consequences. The First Amendment DEMANDS it! But first, a little roo-roo."

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

_______________________

Falls Chruch, Va.: Gene,

As a long time fan of this column and your astute observations of the human condition I was very surprised that you missed the obvious selection of piano turner by most of the people taking your poll last week. If you look over the list, piano turner is the only profession that most status conscious, college + graduate school educated people (i.e. the vast majority of your readers) would be not embarrassed to say they do for a living at a cocktail party or to their parents. All of the other jobs are blue collar jobs that are seen to require little if any training.

Please understand that I am not trying to denigrate these other jobs and I recognize that good auto mechanic is a complex job that requires real intelligence and skill. I am only reporting common prejudices. I would imagine that if you gave the poll to people who are blue collar workers in places where NASCAR is very popular, auto mechanic would have won by a landslide.

I say all this knowing precious little about piano tuning. It simply sounds classy and erudite. A great piano turner would be seen as traveling the world, visiting great concert halls meeting famous pianists, composers, conductors, etc. Very cool stuff indeed.

Status of what you do is so important that I once heard on NPR about a woman who was paid to write term papers for college students (i.e. committing fraud both legally and morally) justify it by saying it was better to use her education than to clean toliets (work that is both honest, honorable and necessary).

It is like the old academic joke: Garbage is just garbage, but the study of garbage -- ahhhhh -- that's scholarship!

washingtonpost.com: I won't say how much editing had to be performed on this "educated" and status-conscious posting.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

In the subsequent postings through the end of last week, we revisited this subject, and I yielded. It's not just a matter of perceived prestige: Piano tuners, apparently, also can be artists at their craft.

_______________________

Columbia, Md.: There's a flaw in your poll question. What initially attracts men can be different that what keep their attention. Does the phrase "butterface" ring a bell?

Gene Weingarten: Butterface? No.

_______________________

Philadelphia, Pa.: Isn't it good that we have reached the point where we may joke about Martin Luther King Day without stirring up too much trouble? I overheard a customer questioning a store owner why the store was closed on Martin Luther King Day, as it had been open on Christmas. The owner responded "I have my savior, you have yours."

Gene Weingarten: I like that!

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

I am simply going to cut in what I wrote before the chat. You can compare the results yourselves:

I predict that most men will choose "face" as the most important physical feature of women, but that most - or very many - of the women, will cynically think that men would lean toward "bosom."

Face is the only no-brainer answer here. I doubt if I know any men who would select otherwise: It is a clue to everything: Intelligence, humor, compassion, whatnot. Plus, it is also linked to size. If you are truly bothered by overweight women, you'll see it there. But that's a minor component of a largely humanistic urge. We aren't swine. Well, we're not entirely swine.

I am most bothered by emotionally needy women, maybe even more so than "ditzy," even though ditzy implies dumbness. I am telling myself it doesn't MEAN dumbness. I am giving myself an out here. I am a little embarrassed by my answer, but there it is. I think most men will choose Naggy etc., or Ditzy. I think women will think men will mostly pick emotionally needy.

On question three, I think women will all assume men wouldn't mind women who are dumber than they are - indeed, that we might prefer it. I think, once again, men will surprise you. The thing that scares me most is 20 pounds underweight (I would fear an emotional problem) and what concerms me least is 20 pounds overweight. I think men might actually agree with me.

And lastly, I predict in general, that substance abuse will be a non factor for everyone. For whatever that means.

_______________________

Women Browse: You said: "I know how men sometimes browse these things. I am guessing women do not browse."

You are wrong. Women browse. But men don't care.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, accepted.

_______________________

WKRP and Flying Turkeys....: Gene, did you know that episode was based on an actual promo gone awry? I'll get details and will follow up.

Your loyal minion.

Gene Weingarten: I didn't know that, please do.

_______________________

Anonymous: Oh, it's a GREAT day for me!;

I'm a college student and I did NOT do any work in one of my classes, I FAILED all my tests, but my classmates VOTED for me to PASS, so I do NOT have to be held accountable!;

Gene Weingarten: One's classmates can vote for one to pass? This can't be, can it?

_______________________

Funniest sitcom line..: What does the yellow light mean?

Gene Weingarten: I'm drawing a blank, here.

_______________________

Re: The metric system is the tool of the devil!: That wasn't Schoolhouse Rock, it was a Ad Council type government ad campaign. I think it was called "Take 10." And I'm pretty sure somewhere in Pueblo, Colorado they printed off reading material you could receive by sending a SASE.

And Whip Inflation now buttons were Gerry Ford's idea, not Jimmy Carter.

Gene Weingarten: Okay. And right about Whip Inflation Now. Carter had other bad ideas.

_______________________

New York, N.Y.: You've done a great service today, Gene. I just thought the men were lying about the third answer, but reading your response, maybe it really is true that women are their own worst enemies. And I can stop berating myself for my few extra pounds.

Gene Weingarten: Happy to serve. I liked these results, and I believe them.

_______________________

Crystal City, Va: The sitcom line I laughed hardest at was on Newhart, when he and his wife renewed their vows. They had written their vows for their first wedding; Newhart's was "Our marriage together will be a real love-in." I'm deaf and laughed so hard I had to wipe my eyes to see the closed-captions. He then said, "There will be no bad vibes."

Maybe the lines were funny only because it was Bob saying them.

Gene Weingarten: Do you think Si and Gar kind of regret writing a song titled "Feelin' Groovy"?

_______________________

Comics Pro, XY: A daily dose of what we could otherwise only get every Tuesday:
I read the comics so you don't have to

Gene Weingarten: Yes, this guy is quite good. Takes it seriously! I will become a reader.

_______________________

Answer to All your questions: Butterface, is in reference to the fact that a woman is attractive "but her face".

What does a yellow light mean? Is from Taxi when Jim is taking a driving test. Bobby responds with "slow down" so Jim repeats the question slower. And so on and so forth.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. That last one reminds me of a great Playboy cartoon from the 60s or so. A couple is in flagrante, and the man is saying "I love you." And the woman says, "deeper, deeper," and the man says, I LOVE YOU in large, black letters.

_______________________

Springfield, Va.: If the Simpsons counts as a sitcom, my favorite line has always been, Homer to Lisa, "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

Also, "To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Gene Weingarten: Both excellent.

_______________________

CUA/Brookland: I think the anonymous college student is making an analogy to our president. He failed, but was voted to a second term.

Gene Weingarten: Yah, I have to look back, but apparently I missed some subtlety. I hate when that happens. Sorry. This chat is a stern mistress.

Speaking of which, I am going to meekly exit now, ma'am.

Thank you all. See you next week.

_______________________

Eastern Market: Gene -- Ok, it's not a single line but my favorite sitcom line ever is from The Simpsons, when Homer becomes a restaurant reviewer: Editor: "I like a reviewer who doesn't immediately poo-poo everything he eats." Homer: "Oh, no, that doesn't usually happen until a couple of hours later."

Gene Weingarten: That's excellent.

_______________________

UPDATED 01.19.05

Gene Weingarten: Many people have questioned my explanation of the grievous error in the detective short story. All offer a similar rationale: If the guy HAD been in a trance, he would have pooped and peed all over himself in that trance, anyway, probably, or voided after death.

Doesn’t wash, as it were. You have to think this through. Warning: Revolting imagery follows.

We know how he died, supposedly. He was not in a trance. He died in mortal terror, up there 50 feet above the gym floor, spending days fully conscious, slowly starving to death. He is going to poop. He is going to pee. Where is he going to do these things? Is he going to foul his bed? He is not. He is going to send poop and pee cascading to the floor of the gymnasium, 50 feet down, where it will make a hell of a mess in highly distinctive ways. There will be arcs. There will be splatters. Et cetera. Either there was this remarkable evidence, in plain sight, all around the bed and some distance from it -- or there wasn’t. If it was there, it would have been mentioned and would have raised red flags right quick. If it wasn’t there, the explanation does not hold, er, water.

Someone did raise an intriguing point, which is valid but in my mind an acceptable contrivance: Why would any gym have slats atop that would let rain in? True, true. But there are various explanations no more contrived than the overall contrivance of the story.

And several people asked: How did the great detective discover the murder? Tracks on the floor (conveniently covered with linoleum) showed that the bed had been pushed to the middle of the floor. But it was currently positioned a few inches PAST where the tracks ended, because there was no way of lowering it to the precise spot it had been before it had been raised.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Many people submitted their choices for great sitcom lines. I’ll list the best here:

"Mulva?"

Not a line but a moment: When Dick Van Dyke becomes convinced that his baby was switched at the hospital with a nearby couple they’ve never seen, but who have a similar name. So he invites Mr. and Mrs. Peters to his house to gravely inform them of the horror, and re-exchange babies, and, in the final seconds of the show, you see that Mr. and Mrs. Peters are black.

And a lot of more lines from the Simpsons, the best being:
Sitcom Line: Marge (concerned Homer is an alcoholic, reading from a magazine quiz): Homer, do you need a beer to help you fall asleep?
Homer: Thank you, that would be lovely!
Marge (more concerned): Do you hide beer around the house?
Homer (proud, fishing a beer out of the toilet tank): Do I EVER!

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: I think I am going to start a new update feature titled "Gene Proves He is an Idiot , Vol xx."

Gene Proves He Is An Idiot, Vol. I:
This refers to an answer I gave to the guy who said he had laughed so loud at a line from the old Newhart Show, about how the wedding vows would be a "love-in" with no "bad vibes" that he teared up and couldn't read the closed-captioning. I responded:

"Do you think Si and Gar kind of regret writing a song titled "Feelin' Groovy"?

And he responded:
Eh, like I said, I'm deaf so I don't always get those pop-cult references.

_______________________

UPDATED 01.20.05

Inspiration: Your comment about men browsing through pictures of female employees just gave me an amazing "aha!" inspiration.

Women browse when shopping for things, but men can't stand it and simply single in on the one, true, best, indeed predeterminedly necessary item in the store.

Whereas, men browse women, happy to try them all out for size as time allows, whereas women are simply waiting for the one, true, best and indeed predeterminedly necessary man on the planet.

I don't know what this means.

Gene Weingarten: I do. Browsing is, by its nature, casual. It is a casual enterprise. It is done, largely, for entertainment. Men find romance largely entertaining, and women find it deadly serious. Thank you.

_______________________

And this just in, from Jean Keller in Australia:

Public health education is big in Australia, and the Australian public in general does not have the delicate sensibilities of the American public.

There is a billboard that I pass on my way to work. It shows a stick figure made of cigarette butts, annotated with names of body parts and arrows pointing to the corresponding part of the stick figure:

Oesophagus
Pharynx
Pancreas
Bladder
Cervix

and, centered between the figure's legs, with an arrow pointing straight up:
Anus

The caption: "Smoking causes cancer in lots of places, including your butt."

Gene Weingarten: That is a great, effective, funny ad. We live in an oddly conflicted society, here. We are licentious, but weirdly prudish about language.

_______________________

Anonymous: Achenbach used to be funnier.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, but he is not as much less funny as he used to be than I am. I have deteriorated much more than he has. That is because I am older.

washingtonpost.com: Get more unfunny right here: Achenblog

_______________________

Back Ache: Another note about the back pain discussion. I had a breast reduction three years ago, mostly because of back pain. Even though I hadn't yet hit 19, I would get knife-in-the back spasms and short freezing spells due to the weight constantly hanging off of my chest. Perhaps this is a bad postulate, but women's bodies generally have a lower center of gravity than men's, so they carry their own weight around with less strain to their backs. My mondo-breasts messed with my center of gravity, thus effing with my back.

And yes, they were large. 36DDDD, aka F. Someone once described them as three full handfuls.

Gene Weingarten: I am tired of people sending in posts like this, on the theory that I will publish absolutely anything titillating, regardless of its importance, relevance, or literary worth. Let this be a lesson to you all.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: BREAKING NEWS: Gene will be online Monday, Jan. 24th, next week -- not Tuesday as usual.

_______________________

UPDATED 01.21.05

Alexandria, Va.: Gene,

Here is a question for you and the crowd... what is the most interesting place that you have relieved yourself that wasn't a restroom? I will start... when in Paris on our honeymoon, I had the hardest time finding public restrooms for some reason. While visiting the Eiffel tower, I had to go and since it was late, everything was locked up. So I went behind the bushes in front of the police building nearby. I am a woman, by the way.

Gene Weingarten: I will hereby invite a certain young woman of my acquaintance, if she is reading this, to confess her non-bathroom venue. The one she told me about, once. If she dares.

_______________________

Pantywaste: I've been reading with great interest (although not that great), the discussion about men stealing women's panties.

A few years ago, back in college and around a dinner table, two of my female friends mentioned they were considering selling their used undergarments on eBay to help finance their college educations. And because they were Harvard undergrads, they figured this fact would help escalate the price and lead to greater profits (and give them ample capital to purchase more panties).

I do not know if they ever went through with the idea, but they were both very pleased that there was a market for such a thing. I have not follwed up on eBay or the rest of the Web to see if this is still the case.

Gene Weingarten: I just checked. Yes. Ebay prohibits it, but several women write elaborate explanations about how these panties are UN-used and UN-worn, to comply with strict Ebay rules. Then they assure that they will be carefully packed in baggies, and start the bidding at, like, $25.

_______________________

Virginia Beach, Va.: I'm posting late because I missed the chat. Since the Flash is no longer taboo... I was watching "Smallville" sometime last week and a teenage Flash made an appearance. He was a street urchin using his speed to pick people's pockets and generally just make trouble. He steals Clark Kent's dad's wallet, and Clark tracks him down. They start hanging out, and Clark tries to convince Flash to change his ways, and Flash tries to convince Clark to join him. Towards the end of the episode, Flash is leaving to find other people with super powers and says to Clark, "maybe we can start a League or something." I laughed on the spot. How much of a nerd does this make me? And to answer the question from several chats back, Flash is faster.

washingtonpost.com: A huge nerd. Thanks for the synopsis, Donnie Dorko.

Gene Weingarten: "Donnie Dorko" is nice.

_______________________

Tako, MA: "Gene Weingarten: Do you think Si and Gar kind of regret writing a song titled "Feelin' Groovy?"

I saw them in Baltimore last summer -- they CLOSED with "Feelin' Groovy."

They are smart, funny guys, and realize the ridiculousness of the song -- but also realize that it's a fun song that conjures up great memories for most of their fans.

For whatever it's worth, I am 25; I went to the show with my parents, and we all loved it. Art's voice is still really, really good, and he and Paul seem to have gotten over whatever earlier personal disagreements they had.

Gene Weingarten: Noted, but see next post.

_______________________

The 59th Street Bridge: It’s funny that you asked about Simon and Garfunkel’s embarrassment over "Feelin' Groovy." They actually do have a problem with that song. The editors of my favorite songbook, “Rise Up Singing,” tried to include the lyrics for “Feelin’ Groovy.” S and G wouldn’t let them, though the lyrics of other songs of theirs are in there. (In case you are wondering about my source, I’m Quaker, and it’s kind of our hymnal, at least as much as we would ever have one. The editors are also Quaker, and as there are maybe two degrees of separation amongst all Quakers, they are Friends of my Friends.)

Gene Weingarten: So what are we to make of this?

_______________________

So...: ...CNN had a headline up Tuesday night that said "Bush: Better Human Intelligence Needed"

Gene Weingarten: So true!

_______________________

20 lbs. too heavy, OK: I assume you're talking about overlooking a woman who is technically 20 pounds too heavy, rather than overlooking the average woman plus an extra 20 pounds. If it is indeed the former, your poll is flawed.

Most men are already "overlooking" this extra 20 pounds, as the average woman is about 20 pounds overweight.

Basically, men said they'd be willing to overlook the weight of the average woman, which they clearly already do. Pretty noble, and not exactly a great sacrifice, especially given that the average man is overweight too.

According the CDC, the average American woman is 5'4" and weighs 163 pounds. (Her healthful weight is 108-144 pounds; overweight is 145-174; and obese is over 175 pounds.)

However, if you meant adding 20 pounds to this 163-pound-average woman, you'd push her into the obese category. I wonder if any of those men would reconsider their choices?

Granted we're talking averages here. Perhaps your audience is limited to tall, slim, wealthy, intelligent, sometimes witty people, who only date others like them. In which case, your poll is flawless.

Gene Weingarten: I meant 20 pounds over what is considered the right weight, of course. Most men, I am sure, interpreted it that way. And most men, I am sure, were precisely responding the way you are calling invalid: Sure, I can overlook 20 extra pounds; you are describing my sweetie, whom I love. Why does this invalidate anything?

And I have a hard time believing the average American woman is 5-foot four and 163 pounds.

_______________________

Excelsi, OR: Do you know your photo's on the Discussions page of the washingtonpost.com Web site? Did Liz do this? Was this in response to the throwing of "virtual panties?"

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, Liz made me do it, and it might have been to stanch the panty downpour. Pretty effective, no?

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Remember, Gene's show will be one day early next week. He'll be online Monday, Jan. 24, at Noon ET. Be there or forever hold your peace (well, at least for a week).

_______________________