Bar Fights: Men's Journal Reveals the Staggering Truth

Of course the best advice on bar fights is: Avoid them. Do what the high-class folks do -- drink at home and fight your loved ones, not common barroom riffraff.

Sensitive Guise

Wimpsters don't fight in bars, and that's one of the problems with wimpsters, according to Bust, the magazine whose motto is: "For Women With Something to Get Off Their Chests."

What is a wimpster?

"Simply put: He is male. He is white. He is part hipster, part wimp and he's more dangerous than you think."

The wimpster, writes Rachel Elder, "is a man who has perfected his own male insecurity in an effort to manipulate women. He is a man who uses self-deprecation and vulnerability to prey upon a woman's need to nurture his massive ego."

At first, a wimpster seems appealing because he's sensitive and soft-spoken. "Initially," Elder writes, "these guys can seem super 'deep.' You'll probably receive a mixed tape or have song lyrics quoted to you during the initial courting sessions."

Soon, however, the wimpster reveals that his sensitivity is merely a ruse, clever camouflage for a "passive/aggressive stalker type." Common wimpster traits include "a caved-in chest, vitamin deficiency, chronic allergies, the soft scent of BO mixed with Tide."

As for sex with the wimpster -- don't even bother. Elder goes into far more detail than we can print in a family newspaper. But she does offer this G-rated summing up: "Having sex with a wimpster is like cramming an emo record into a knapsack on the bus."

I'm not sure what that means, but it doesn't sound good.

A sidebar story reveals which celebrities would constitute the "Wimpster Hall of Fame": Moby, John Cusack, Ethan Hawke and, yes, Al Gore.

Zit Happens

If your average wimpster had a favorite magazine, it would probably be Details.

Details is a pathetic men's magazine -- or to be more accurate, a pathetic magazine for pathetic men. It is truly awful and, amazingly, it keeps getting worse.

The May issue contained an article called "The Nightmare of the Office Bowel Movement," which detailed the psychic horror of going to the bathroom in the company of your co-workers.

I thought that was about as low as a Conde Nast magazine could go. I was wrong.

The June-July issue contains an article called "The Agony of the Adult Pimple," which details the psychic horror of -- gasp! -- getting a zit.

To compound the absurdity, this zit story was written by Augusten Burroughs, author of two best-selling memoirs -- "Running With Scissors" and "Dry."

What advice does the great author have for the zit-afflicted?

"Do not pop a zit," he writes. Instead, he adds, "wash your face twice a day with a mild cleanser."

Hey, I don't want to go out on a limb here, but I think that, with a little practice, this guy could get a job at Seventeen or Tiger Beat.