Lance Armstrong came to Silver Spring last week, touting the Discovery Channel Pro Cycling Team and repeating the news that he will serve as an on-air personality across Discovery's networks. We'll take this as a sign that said networks are in the market for a few big names; indeed, tonight's premiere of "Who Gets the Dog" might as well be a look at Dennis Erickson's latest job search. Some further guest-appearance suggestions:
"Overhaulin," Bud Selig: Gets agreement on tougher steroid policy but receives criticism for overlooking amphetamine abuse. Selig responded by saying, "Anyone who thinks baseball players are on speed has never actually sat through a baseball game."
"American Hot Rod," Damon Stoudamire: Kudos for setting a Portland record with 54 points, but somehow we just don't find establishing a Trail Blazers high all that remarkable.
"Brilliant Minds," Stephen G. Breyer and Antonin Scalia: Supreme Court justices tangle during a televised debate that left onlookers amazed. We were simply stunned that a public argument involving well-known judges didn't attract Sir Sidney and his "personal watercraft."
"What Not to Wear," Prince Harry: Next time he's invited to a Colonial-themed costume party, he should probably just stick with a Pops Mensah-Bonsu jersey.
"Get Packing," Doug Brien: Misses two late field goals as Jets lose in OT. Afterward, teammates thoughtfully reminded Brien that he wasn't this year's only playoff goat by having Eric Barton nail him with a forearm shiver.
"Faking It," Ashlee Simpson: Now claims that, because of a lack of ear monitors, she was unable to hear herself sing during the Orange Bowl. If only we had been so lucky.
"American Casino," The Pittsburgh Penguins: Team plans to bid for a parlor of slot machines, which will henceforth be known as one-toothed bandits.
"Simply Smashing," The Atlanta Falcons: Gain 327 rushing yards with only 70 passing while steamrolling the Rams, a result that caused Nebraska officials to smugly express vindication for switching to an NFL-style offense.
"Party Planner," Kid Rock: Noted Bush supporter not invited to inaugural festivities, after conservative groups pointed put the deeply offensive nature of his recent attempts at country music.
"Trading Spaces," Javier Vazquez: Big Unit deal sends Vazquez to the Diamondbacks, who will go with a lesser-known but possibly more effective Hispanic option instead of an older, grungy white dude. Call it the WHFS strategy.
"Strange Days," Gilbert Arenas: Says Wizards' nail-biting games are "probably aging" those who watch them. As an example, Arenas cited injured teammate Kwame Brown, who he said was "acting at least 15" these days.
"In a Fix," Randy Moss: We may have just witnessed the end of Moss in a Vikings uniform. Again.
Benched: The Junkies (briefly), The Matador (hopefully), Michelle Wie, Carlos Delgado and the O's, Sammy Sosa and the Nats, Michael Olowokandi and Nene.