Having trouble talking to your kids about meltdowns, health or war and violence? Develop smart, sensitive ways to talk to kids about what's on their minds and on yours. PBS "Talking with Kids" offers a guide to communication strategies to help you start listening, get kids talking -- and stop the struggles before they start.
Join columnist Evelyn Vuko and Michael Thompson, co-author of bestseller, "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys" and senior project advisor for the PBS 'Parents Guide to Talking with Kids' online Tuesday, April 20 at 2 p.m. ET.
Thompson, Ph.D. is a consultant, author and psychologist specializing in children and families. He practices in Cambridge,
Massachusetts. He is the clinical consultant to The Belmont Hill
School and has worked in more than two hundred schools across the
United States. He and his co-author, Dan Kindlon, wrote the New York
Times best-selling book, "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life
of Boys" (Ballantine Books,1999). He is also the author of "Speaking of
Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions About Raising Sons"
(Ballantine, 2000), and co-author of "Best Friends/Worst Enemies:
Understanding the Social Worlds of Children," published in August of
2001. His first book, "Finding the Heart of the Child," which he
co-authored with Dr. Edward Hallowell, has been widely read by
independent school educators and parents.
Evelyn Vuko
(washingtonpost.com)
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Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
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Evelyn Vuko:
Talking to kids about troublesome topics like meltdowns, health, war and violence can be a trecherous endeavor for parents and teachers. Joining me today is child and family psychologist and author, Dr. Michael Thompson, who has worked with more than 200 schools across the US. Let's get talking...
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Alexandria, VA:
My husband is a soldier in Iraq. He was supposed to come home in a couple of weeks, but his stay has been extended. It was hard enough explaining this to my 7 year-old daughter, but now I must calm her fears that he will be killed -- something she expresses daily. I am afraid, too, but I am trying to not let her see this.
Michael Thompson: I'm sorry your husband's tour of duty was extended. That is hard on all of you. Of course your daughter is afraid that her father will be killed. The most profound fear of all children is that they will lose a parent (that's why it is the universal theme in so many movies: Lion King, Cinderella, Bambi.) There is only one way to deal with the fear and that is directly. Tell her that the goverment is doing everything they can do to her protect her father and that you expect he will come home safe. It is what you pray for and it is what you expect. Then comfort her, let her cry if she needs to, sit with her and ultimately let her engage in normal child-like activities. Her fears will come back in small eruptions and if you are successful comforting her they will go away. That's the natural sequence. Tell her that you worry sometimes but you are very sure that she will see her dad again in three months, or whatever it is.
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Richmond, Va.:
My six year old daughter is wonderful, charming, imaginative and funny. She also loses her temper out of proportion with an incident. I worry about her ability to control her temper. Will this behavior pass? How can we best deflect it when it happens? Is there anything we can do to avoid this in the future?
Michael Thompson: Your daughter's ability to control her temper will grow stronger with time. You don't have to worry that she'll have a six-year-old temper forever. Most people learn to control the passionate, sometimes ferocious, feelings of childhood. Be patient and understanding for a while, but help her to calm down by simply saying, "I know you are upset, and I understand why, but you need to get yourself under control now." Coach her, encourage her, compliment her. She will soon learn that she earns you respect by controlling her feelings (and potentially loses it if she continues to be in a fury.) Above all, if she succeeds in getting a grip on herself, compliment her for being so grown-up. That's what all children want: is to be grown-up.
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Denver, Colo.:
What's the best way to handle the direct question: "Dad, is Santa real?"
Michael Thompson: It is hard to answer your question without knowing the age of the child. Most small children want to believe in Santa (and the Easter bunny, etc.) and they don't ask because they want to believe. If they are quite young, it is fine to say "Yes, Santa is real. And he's coming at Christmas," because you aren't lying, you are joining a young child in his or her magical thinking. The moment you suspect that a child has heard from an older brother or cousin that Santa isn't real, and that your child is testing your honesty, you can say, "Well, I believe in him." When a child is old enough to be challenging, and you hear the challenging tone, then turn the question around: "What do you think? Have you been talking to other kids about Santa?" The child will tell you whether or not he or she wants to continue to believe in Santa by the way they answer your question.
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Maryland:
Mr. Thompson,
What made you decide to write "Raising Cain"? Do you have children and where you finding difficulty or any specific challenges in raising them?
Michael Thompson: I wrote Raising Cain with my coauthor, Dan Kindlon, because he and I were both psychologists at all boys' schools and we got to talking about the reasons boys are silent and angry so much of the time, particularly when they are teenagers. When I wrote Raising Cain my son, Will, was only three years old. He wasn't a problem then and even now, at age thirteen, he's a pretty easy child. My eighteen-year-old daughter is the one who has presented us with some challenges in her teenage years. Happily, no drugs or brushes with the law, however.
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Washington, D.C.:
Hello Teacher Says:
Thanks for hosting this important topic.
My 11 year old son is generally well behaved, but he has become much more agressive since he switched schools last fall. One or two of his playground buddies have been put on probation by the school because of violent behavior. Any suggestions on how to best teach empathy to my son?
TT
Evelyn Vuko:
"Switched schools." The phrased jumped right out at me. Transitions from one school setting to another, even if it's a normal age and grade transition like from elementary to middle school, can be extremely difficult, even for a well-behaved child. Everything has changed--classmates, teachers, academic demands, responsiblities, even the school building is new. His old comfort zones are gone and must be re-established. His aggression might be self-defense against the onslaught of new input. Dr. Thompson, how can this mother frame effective dialogues to help her son change his behavior?
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : Thanks, I'll pick up right where you left off. I wonder if this boy is becoming more aggressive to try to impress his new friends in the new school. His mother needs to ask him about whether he is trying to gain the respect of these tough boys. She should ask him whether he notices the change in his behavior, and what he makes of it. She should schedule a meeting with the teacher and tell her about the change in his behavior. I agree that he may be overwhelmed and scared inside; however, someone needs to let this boy know that he doesn't need to become so aggressive to succeed in his new environment.
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Fairfax, Va.:
My question has to do with honesty and age-appropriate discussions. When I was about 9, my grandmother (who lived next door and provided child care after school and during the summers) had a nervous breakdown. . . . I believe what my mother told me at the time was that she needed a little break. I took that for gospel -- not really thinking of the significance of her monthly visits to the psychiatrists, on which we had to accompany her -- until I was about 12, when I realized that the place where we visited her was the psych ward at the university hospital.
To this day, my mother will not use the words "mental illness" or "breakdown." Had I been aware of this at a younger age, I think I might have paid more attention to the symptoms of clincal depression and anxiety in my own life before hitting my mid-20s and being close to suicidal.
What do clinicians recommend for such situations, when a very close family member and caregive has a mental illness?
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : It has always bewildered me as to why people protect children from the reality of a mental illness such as depression when they don't protect them from the scary realities of other medical illnesses. Why is "depression" more scary to a child than "diabetes" or "a stroke." I guess is has to do with the old prejudice of mental illness being a moral weakness. At any rate, children can see the effects of mental illness in a person. They can see when their grandmother is depressed. They need to be told what is happening, so they don't think their grandmother has started to hate them, or that she has willfully changed her personality.
I know this is a long time ago in your life, but it is an issue for many children today. We need to be honest about emotional struggles, even if we don't tell them all the details of a person's "issues" or treatment. We need to say, "So-and-so is feeling terrible, she has many sad thoughts. She's seeing doctor and the doctor is giving her medicine to help her old personalty feel strong again."
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Annapolis, MD:
Hi Dr. Thompson. How is it that kids can be both Best Friends and Worst Enemies? My daughter has a love/hate -- that's probably too strong -- but such an adversarial relationship with her very good friend. They are either hugging or tearing each others hair out. My husband and I don't see this relationship as a very normal, natural one but our daughter wants to play with this friend often. We're not quite sure what to do.
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : I don't know how old your daughter is, but many children, both boys and girls, have passionate friendships that have many ups and downs. (Childhood friendships sometimes have the intensity of marriages, and some of the same up-and-down qualities.) It is typical for girls in the third grade to sixth grade time period, but it can happen both earlier and later. Unless they are screaming at one another or hitting one another, or unless one girl is completely dominating the other, they will work it out. They are learning mutuality, reciprocity, the rules of friendship, and conflict resolution---all without a teacher or a parent there. They are teaching each other. Try and be a steady support in the background, listen to her stories, and focus on how quickly she rebounds from conflicts with her friends. If she is better in an hour and wants to see her friend the next day, then she is normal and the friendship is probably just fine. If she doesn't recover, if she dreads school, if she develops stomach aches, then it isn't normal. But based on what you've said so far, I'm not worried.
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Levonia, MI:
With the daily images of war in the newspaper we're getting many more questions from our almost five year old about the people in the photos. "Why were they hurt?" "What's going on?" and many others. At what age is it appropriate to talk with children about war & violence and how much information is enough without giving too much?
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : Five-year-olds know something about conflict. They see it every day in Kindergarten, and they saw it in pre-school. Just explain that adults, like children, sometimes fight. Sadly and terribly, they fight wars with guns to settle problems and that's what is happening in Iraq and other parts of the world. Stop there and ask, "Do you want to know anything more about this war?" If your five-year-old says yes, try to communicate simply the political issues such as religious difference of political difference or whatever your understanding of the war leads you to say. Then ask, "Do you have any more questions to ask me?" Most five-year-olds don't want an extended political discussion, they just want a steady, adult voice to explain the violence that they see.
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Fairfax, Va.:
How do you teach kids about money? Earning it, saving it and eventually spending it.
Evelyn Vuko:
You can do do three things: first, be a role model. Secondly, read two great books: "The Kid's Guide to Money" by Steve Otfinoski (Scholastic) and "Kiplinger's Dollars & Sense for Kids" by Janet Bodnar. Thirdly, consider joining an investment club with your kids. Check out the National Association of Investors Corporation at www.better-investing.org. This is a national network of investment clubs in which members of all ages meet monthly, make small contributions and develop a club porfolio. Each club has a broker and a sponsor. For more details about kids and money, go to the Washington Post archives and look for two Teacher Says columns: "Thrift: A Lesson in Value" (March 26, 2002) and "In the Center Ring: Investing for Kids" (April 16, 2002.)
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : I don't have much to add to Evelyn's answer about money. I don't think I did such a great job with my kids about money. I probably should have read these books myself! When Evelyn says, "Be a role model," she is telling all parents to do the hardest thing: practice what you preach.
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Fairfax, Va.:
Hi, I'm writing in response to an earlier question posted by the parent of a six year old with a temper disproportionate to the situation. I commend the parent for asking for advice. I do have a question however, as a parent who has witnessed this behavior in another child but who's parents don't really seem to see or pay attention to the behavior. My child has been on the receiving end of this temper. I've stopped setting up play dates with this child but there are times the two children get along very well and my daughter wants to continue playing with her. I'm not sure what to do except to teach my daughter to stand up for herself.
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : If the child who has a bad temper is in your house, you must intervene to protect your child. Get between them and say to the offender, "In this house, we have to control out temper. I can't let you boss...or shove...or bully." Calm the situation down, talk to both parties. And when the other parent shows up, explain exactly what you have done and why you did it without---if this is possible---making her defensive about her parenting. You will be modeling good parenting in an authoritative way.
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DC:
Regarding depression and telling kids....
my spouse was diagnosed with depression after a suicide attempt when our children were pre-school/early elementary. I first, and eventually, we, talked to them about saddness and having a sickness in their head. Even at a young age, children can learn that mental illness is an everyday situation that needs to be dealt with like high blood pressure. Our children have now been diagnosed after much testing, with ADD. Understanding from a young age that talking to people when you feel sad is good and that medication can be for lots of different things, has the transition into therapy and medication much easier on them.
We both came from families where mental illness was whispered about but never discussed. We think this is why my spouses's illness went so long without being diagnosed.
Please, talk to you kids, tell them the truth in words they will understand and help them understand that chemicals not being balanced in your brain is no different than chemicals not being balanced in your heart!;
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : Thanks for your support and for sharing your experience in talking to your children about their father's depression. I agree with you: honesty--simple, age-appropriate honesty---is always the best policy with children. Start with a clear, short explanation and invite questions. Show them some of your doubts and worries, but don't overwhelm them (don't throw your hands up and say, "Ohmigod, I don't know what we're going to do!") If you are calm and you trust them with the information; they will be calm and they will trust you.
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Washington, D.C.:
Hello. We just told our six year old daughter that we are having a baby next fall. She's not thrilled with the news but slowly is getting used to it. She's now asking the questions all parents (I think) dread. How did you get her in your belly? You know, the sex questions. Any tips on how best to deal with the birds and bees questions? Thanks.
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : I think it is important to answer the "how did the baby get in your belly" question in an age-appropriate way. Say, "Moms have eggs inside them that can be made into babies if they father puts his sperm inside the mother." I recommend Robie Harris's books. Her book about sexuality for older children, age eight to fourteen, titled "It's Perfectly Normal," is fabulous. She has two books to help parents speak with younger children, but I cannot find them on my shelf right now. I lent them to my administrative assistant, who has a six-year-old and a four-year-old. They are published by Candlewick Press, Cambridge.
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Arlington, Va.:
Last summer, my son (age 8) was visiting his grandmom by himself when she suffered a mild stroke. She recovered enough to call a neighbor (after my son had called 911), and we got there as soon as possible (we're an hour away), and Grandmom recovered - in fact, she has been fine, since; however, not suprisingly, he is VERY hesitant about visiting his grandmother again. She really enjoys these visits, and he does, too - except he now expects her to die on his watch. What can we say to help, or should we not push him to visit without us there, too?
Evelyn Vuko:
Accentuate the postive with your son. He called 911 and helped his grandmother get the help she needed. He was the hero of the day. He doesn't need you to accompany him when he visits her, he's already proven to himself, and your family, that he's the man to turn to when situations get tough. Tell him that, and how proud you are.
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : Yes, he was a hero. Now he needs someone to sit with him and his grandmother for the first couple of times he visits. He needs to see her---absolutely!---but it is important that he not be alone with her until he gets comfortable with the idea that she is healthy again.
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Washington, D.C.:
I hear and believe that it is hard to discipline teens when you don't establish it at an early age. What advice could you give to a parent who has "uncontrollable" teens that say what they want and do what they want when the parents are separated and there isn't much for punishment?
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : I don't know what you mean by "uncontrollable teens." Are we talking about teens you occasionally use bad language, don't always say where they are going, and are sometimes rude? Or are we talking about teens who are taking the car when not authorized to do so by a parent, or not coming home at night, or sleeping around, and/or abusing drugs or alcohol. If it is the latter, you almost certainly need professional help, because your teenager is out of control. If you hadn't established discipline in the early years, or you are separated from the other parent who does not believe in discipline, you are in for a hard time. You need the support of a counselor---and that can be a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist or alcohol and drug counselor---who is experienced with teens. An out-of-control teen needs to be held accountable in a systematic, empathic, firm way. It is hard to do, and very hard for just one parent to do alone. If your child is just rude in an ordinary teenage way, then way away, refuse to drive him or her to the mall, etc. I recommend Michael Riera's book "Uncommon Sense for Parents of Teenagers."
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Arlington, Va.:
Re: Santa, et al.: My 7-year old son asked me point blank if either his dad or I were the Easter bunny. I was flustered, and asked what he thought. He said he didn't know, but he wanted the truth, so I sighed, and said, "yes". He shook his head and said, "No, mom! Not THAT truth!" So, we have the Easter bunny for another year!
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : That's very funny, when a seven-year-old demands an answer he doesn't really want. But he didn't know he didn't want to hear it until he actually heard it. And so he stuffed his new knowledge down into his unconscious (if you believe in that) and went right on believing in the Easter Bunny. That's a great story. Thanks for telling it.
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Chantilly, Va.:
Sports today has become so highly competitive today how do we as parents approach this with our kids. Our 11 year old daughter was recruited onto a Division I soccer team and an AAU basketball team with both sports happening simultaneously. At 11 do we make kids choose a sport or try and do both with no real down time. I'm afraid if we choose we may end up with a sport the child hates in a few years. Any thoughts?
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : I was talking with a father the other day whose very athletic and competitive daughter plays ice hockey in North Andover, Massachusetts. Guess how many games the thirteen-year-old girl team in N. Andover plays? 90 GAMES!!!!!!!! That's crazy! There's no family time when you have to get a child to 90 ice hockey games. The father was sad, saying to me, "There's no intermediate schedule. It is either 90 games or nothing." Youth sports is out of control in this country and I think you have to find some way to balance your child's life. If she is a dedicated athlete---and I am the father of one---you might end up supporting more sports than you'd like, but you have to use your common sense and judgment. The truth is that there is no such thing as Division I sports for small children, especially kids who haven't reached puberty. That's a name parents give to a team in order to make themselves feel important. I recommend Bobby Bigelow's book "Let the Children Play." he says "select" teams arent really select; they're just "less worse" than the other town teams. Only one percent of athletes in the country end up playing Division One sports in college. It is easier to be a National Merit Finalist on the SAT's than to be a Division One athlete. It comes from God-given talent, not parental pushing and ambition. Consult your child, consult your common sense, weigh the two and make a sane decision.
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Silver Spring, Md. :
How do you keep your four year old from having tantrums? I don't know if I caused this behavior or encouraged it. He doesn't get everything that he wants but sometimes I give in just to keep him calm and quiet. Is there anything I can do? Time out doesn't work because he keeps bawling in the corner.
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. : It is hard for me to judge how bad the "tanrum" is from your description. Four-year-olds feel big and angry at times; and they try to throw their weight around. Okay, you have to try to understand them, listen to them and then set limits. He can have a time-out with you sitting close by him in the corner. May I suggest you consult the PBS.org Communication Guide? It has many suggestions for dealing with tantrums, and how to avoid them before they heat up.
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Evelyn Vuko:
The lesson to remember when talking to kids is that, especially young ones, don't consider the ramifications or weigh the significance of their questions, they just want answers, mostly short and hopefully sweet. "We're in an age where we talk way too much to kids. Give them short, sweet answers and ask them if they want to know anything more. They usually don't," says Michael Thompson, who believes we shouldn't go on talking without checking with our audience. See you again on May 4th.
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