The Style Invitational
Week 560: The 97.5-Meter Dash
Sunday, May 30, 2004; Page D02
Synchronized drywalling is approved as a demonstration sport.
The promised retractable roof on the main stadium is "upgraded" to "the absolutely amazing invisible retractable roof."
When champions bite their gold medals, chocolate squirts out.
Longtime Loser John O'Byrne of Dublin called the Empress's attention to the "Post Mortem" humor column by Rob McKenzie and various sidekicks in Canada's National Post. A recent column noted that this year's Olympic Games in Athens are a few months away but eons behind schedule, and suggested some time- and cost-saving measures, including those listed above. You have to admit that they're pretty good, considering that this McKenzie guy is from, like, Manitoba, but we know that Team Invitational can leave those examples in the dust, as long as your palms are greased Olympically with magnets and shirts and the Little Pooping Man and the fabulous prize described below.
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins "The Breast Book," a fascinating look at the concept of the breast in Western culture. It (the book) is roughly the size and shape of a brick. It would look better stacked, of course, but we have just the one copy. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. Deadline is Tuesday, June 8. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
Report from Week 556, in which we asked you for "hybrids" of animals. Great ideas submitted by too many of you: skunks x badgers = stinking badgers ("We don't need them"); camel x ocelot = camelot ("flourished for one brief shining moment"). And of course lots of entries featuring the shih tzu.
Fourth runner-up: Cicada x elephant = cicaphant: Even after 17 years, it never forgets how nice you are. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)
Third runner-up: Emu x quail = email: a fast-flying bird that propagates rapidly, is monitored obsessively by humans, and often carries a virus. (Allan Moore, Washington)
Second runner-up: Barbary ape x Chihuahua = barbarhuahua: an extremely inquisitive, persistent, noisy little bird. (John Sullivan, Long Beach, Calif.)
First runner-up, the winner of the Super Duper Reindeer Pooper jellybean dispenser:
Monarch x woodchuck = princechuck: A pitiable drone that remains near its mother in its immature stage for years and years and years. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church)
And the winner of the Inker: Lion x crocodile = lioncrock: An enormous fish that got away. (Greg Pearson, Arlington)
Swift x porpoise = modest porpoisal: a mammal that sensibly maintains its population level by eating its young.
Cardinal x carrier pigeon = cardcarrier: a creature that feels safest going along with the flock (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
Condor x Morgan = condomorgan: a Trojan horse. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Chamois x cheetah = chamois sosa: shares habitat with newly discovered species, the corked bat.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Cardinal x Shar-Pei = cardsharpei: one of the dogs playing poker. (Chris Doyle)
Wombat x elephant =womant: a creature that can lift many times her own weight but won't tell you what that weight is.
(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
Cuckoo x kinkajou = cuckookajou: a waddling animal with whiskers, tusks, and yellow matter custard dripping from its eye.
(Bird Waring, New York)
Badgers x gnus = badgnus: travels fast, on or underground; often unearthed by pesky hounds. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Elkhound x batfish = whatzitz: a bizarre creature with wings, scales, antlers and paws; thought to be related to the platypus. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Donkey x Homo sapiens = a wise ass. (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.)
Scottish terrier x tapir = scotchtapir: Uses sticky traps to ensnare its prey.
(Steve Shapiro, Alexandria)
Aardvark x dace x nightingale = aarddacenight: a creature that subsists on beetles.
(Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
Afghan hound X bandicoot = talibandicoot: The female of the species is not allowed out of the nest. (Brendan Beary)
Lark x king salmon = larriking: An odd-looking bird that never stops squawking -- and doesn't know when to stop spawning. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church)
Monarch butterfly x sea anemone = arch enome, which has PLANS for the coral reef, yes, grand plans indeed, mwahahahaha! (Mark Young, Washington)
Cheetah x shrew = billary: the Clinton family mascot. (Russell Beland)
Unicorn x tick = unick: an animal with a useless horn. (Scott Slaughter, Mount Airy)
Green iguana x gila monster = green monster: a huge animal that looks like it could swallow up anything, yet can't seem to stop ordinary flies from sailing over its head. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)
Mite x otter = kindashuda: a creature that keeps looking at its own tracks.
Canary x ibis = canabis: A puffin that can fly really, really high. (Chris Doyle; Joe Cackler, Stanford, Calif.)
Aardvark x platypus x Tyrannosaurus rex = aatypus rex: a creature that can mate only with its mother.
(Kirsten Andersen, Los Angeles)
Condor x leech = condoleecha: a creature known to produce prolonged bleeding from whatever crosses its path.
(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
Newt x anaconda = nanaconda: a snake that squeezes your cheeks until you suffocate. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Chinchilla x brown bear = chillbro: the peacekeeper of the herd (a tropical subspecies is chinchilla x mongoose = chillmon) (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
Sandpiper x penguin = sanguin: the Brown Bird of Optimism (John Held, Fairfax)
Halibut x viper = butvipe: a creature native to Germany that is often abused by other species. (John Held)
Bumblebee x beaver = bumblebeaver: a creature busier than itself.
(Danny Bravman, Potomac)
Hen x trout = chickenout: an animal that's afraid to cross the road.
(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)
Ewe x manatee = ewemanatee: a two-legged creature that elicits an exclamation of surprise when spotted ("Oh!"). (Seth Brown; Chris Doyle)
Mammoth x zebra = mammothbra, an animal that tends to have a diet abundant in dates. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Bushbaby x cassowary = bushwary: a species once threatened with extinction, but now spreading through Middle America. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)
Wallaby x marten = walmart: a fast-propagating creature that invades an ecosystem and displaces all other species. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
Badger x appaloosa = persistent loosa: leaves a pungent trail of ink.
Rhode Island Red x tern x right whale = right tern on rhode whale red: a mutation of the road-crossing chicken. (Greg Arnold)
Porcupine x soldier ant = porcupinesol: a pet that keeps its own cage sparkling clean and fresh. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Caribou x booby = caribooby: A deer with a rack that every hunter wants a shot at. (Chuck Smith)
Junco x gibbon = juncbon: a creature that flies high but often crashes spectacularly. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
Onager x anaconda = onanaconda: a creature with a declining population level. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Cheetah x ocelot = cheetalot: a cat with a mate that doesn't understand it.
Panda x gopher = pander: an animal with an annoying but effective mating call: "Oh, Mei Xiang, you look so lovely tonight. Allow me to rearrange the leaves in your cave! Those reeds are very slimming for you! Perhaps they have also helped you with yesterday's headache?"
(Mark Young, Washington)
Airedale x anchovy = aichovy: a creature that travels quickly past other animals, always in groups of three or more.
Next Week: Oh, for Namesakes! or Scoring With Moniker
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