Future historians of American magazines will no doubt remember 2004 as the year when an armpit with feet became a major sex symbol.
The armpit starred in a series of advertisements for Axe deodorant that appeared in Rolling Stone, Maxim, Cargo and countless other mags. The Axe armpit is not what you'd call a classic matinee idol -- he has no head, no legs, a crop of hair and two chubby feet, each with three fat toes -- but the dude proved to be a major playa.
In one ad, the armpit enjoyed a candlelight dinner with a busty brunette who slipped off her shoe and played footsie with him under the table. In another ad, the armpit perched on a fluffy white rug in front of a blazing fireplace while a leggy blonde ran her fingers through his hair. In a third ad, the armpit canoodled with a wine-swilling babe on a gondola in Venice.
The armpit with feet was only one of the many goofy, bizarre or just plain strange things that made 2004 the weirdest year in magazines since . . . well, at least 2003.
In 2004, the New Republic ran a cover story called "God Bless Atheism." Rolling Stone ran an editorial that proclaimed: "Janet Jackson's breast is the 9/11 of the new culture war." Archaeology Odyssey published an article titled "Roman Latrines: How the Ancients Did Their Business." And Details, the metrosexual men's mag, revealed a hitherto undetected social trend: "Marrying a relative isn't just for the trailer park anymore."
Meanwhile, Robb Report -- the glossy magazine that publishes photos of ridiculously expensive luxury goods for ridiculously rich folks -- launched a Russian edition. No word yet on whether Lenin rolled over in his Moscow mausoleum.
In 2004, magazines dared to ask the kind of tough, knotty, thorny questions that have long perplexed humanity -- and sometimes they even answered them.
Discover, the science magazine, asked, "Was Your Ancestor a Sea Sponge?" (Answer: Yes.) National Geographic asked "Was Darwin Wrong?" (Answer: No.) And the Jewish magazine Moment asked, "Can a Dog be Jewish?" The answer to that question was left unclear but Moment did reveal this theological morsel: "A Jew may only pat a dog during the Sabbath, not stroke it, for stroking tends to pull out hairs, which is forbidden."
Meanwhile, the Economist, the British newsmag that circulates widely in the United States, posed the question that puzzled American voters in 2004: "The incompetent or the incoherent?" The Economist urged Americans to chose the "incoherent" John F. Kerry over the "incompetent" George W. Bush.
Apparently, Americans were not persuaded.
The CIA failed to find Osama bin Laden this year but Maxim magazine not only located the world's most wanted man but persuaded him to pose for a four-page photo feature called "Inside Osama's Lair." The terrorist mastermind was shown roasting rats over a fire in his "eat-in kitchen" and watching a big-screen plasma TV in his "entertainment center" where, he said, "I declare jihad on boredom!"
Maxim declined to reveal Osama's location but one photo offered a subtle but important clue: Mount Rushmore was clearly visible outside the terrorist's kitchen door.
The prospect of Osama in South Dakota is frightening enough, but Discover discovered something even scarier -- millions of methane-producing microbes that could kill us all. In a story teased with the cover line "When Will the Bubble Burst?" Discover revealed that the world may not end with the proverbial bang or whimper but with a blast of flatulence from microscopic beasts who live in the muck beneath the ocean: "These tiny creatures make so much methane gas that if even a small proportion of it is released, we might be overwhelmed by tsunamis, runaway global warming and extinctions."
Yikes! What a way to go!
