Chatological Humor* (Updated 4.8.05)

Banana Splits

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This week's poll.

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group.

Note: No one submitted an illustration for this week, so we've gone back to the standard illustration. Oh well. -- Liz

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

_____________

Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon. Now go away.

Do you think I have nothing better to do than answer your stupid questions? I am a highly respected journalist, even if I DIDN'T win the Pulitzer Prize for the 31st consecutive year because of an unfortunate oversight, and I am crashing deadline on a cover story, and in a foul state of mind, filled with deep reservations about life and my craft, and certainly in no mood to entertain people I don't even know who expect me to dance for them. So beat it.

Speaking of beating it, I can now score three holes in one on the Orbitz golf game, almost at will. In a sense, this is better that the Pulitzer, and it fills me with joy.

Some of you might remember that, last week, I got a post from Howard Hirsch, a kid I knew in fourth grade. Howard remembered that I had told him the first dirty joke he ever heard. Well, I asked him what it was, and he told me. His memory is astonishing. Here it is. It may be the first dirty joke I ever told. It was 1959. Buddy Holly was dead, and I was eight years old.

A priest and a rabbi live next door to each other. One day, the priest buys a fancy new car. The next day, the rabbi goes out and buys the identical car, same model. This bothers the priest a little. So the next day the priest buys nice new rugs for his car. The rabbi does the same. Next, the priest washes his car. Within minutes, the rabbi is out in his driveway, doing the same. Now the priest is really fed up, and he figures out what to do. The next morning he goes out, with great ceremony, and baptizes his car. The rabbi comes out, goes to his car, and cuts the tip off the tailpipe.

I didn't say it was GREAT. I was eight years old.

Reader Steve Holcomb wrote in suggesting that we discuss the best game show hosts of all time. I responded that I considered "game show host" to be a category similar to "marketing consultant," and that "great game show hosts" was an oxymoron. However, then I thought of John Charles Daly, the brilliant, urbane host of "What's My Line," so, I figured I'll go out here with that statement. He was the best. I welcome arguments.

Many of you pointed out the odd confluence of cartoons last week on April Fools, and I have devoted today's poll to that subject. I think you will find the answers, at least some of them, a little surprising.

Possibly the most fascinating news in the comics, however, involves yesterday's Get Fuzzy, which we will link to below. I thought it seemed a little tepid, and now we know why. In the initial version, which appeared on the Web but has now been removed, Bucky was not suggesting that people customarily eat "marmot" on Valentine's Day. He was suggesting that people eat … beaver.

That WOULD have been the CPOW. In it's absence, the Comic Pick of the Week is today's most excellently subversive Pearls. Runners up are Sunday's Pickles (again!), yesterday's Beetle Bailey, for the fun of it, and today's Rhymes With Orange.

Okay, let's go.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week:
Pearls Before Swine, (April 5)

First Runner-Up:
Pickles, (April 3)

Second Runner-Up:
Beetle Bailey, (April 4)

Also Mentioned:
Get Fuzzy, (April 4)

Lastly, don't forget to vote in today's poll.

_______________________

College Park, Md.: Hi, Gene --

Wonderful things happen when people with hyphenated last names use the new name generator. I submit, as exhibits A and B, my sister, Poopsie GerbilBuns-ToiletChunks, and my wife, Buttercup HamsterHead-GerbilBuns (sounds like an Oliver Wendell Jones experiment gone awry...). The generator is definitely worth the price of admission to this chat!

washingtonpost.com: Price of admission? Make sure you send that to me, c/o The Washington Post.

Gene Weingarten: Very nice. It was an entire wrinkle that eluded me.

_______________________

Pittsburgh, Pa.: Posting early because I have an appointment at noon. I loved your "Below the Beltway" column on Sunday. Makes me miss my beloved, but not too bright laborador, Chelsea. Once, she took off into the woods near our house, chasing a bird, and we couldn't find her. After a day and a half, she wandered back to the house somehow, covered in mud and brambles, with a look on her face like "Iwasn'tgonethatlong whatdirtcanIhaveacookie"

Anyways, how is your four-legged companion?

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Dog Gone, (Post Magazine, April 3)

My mother also called me last night to tell me how much she liked Gene's dog column. She said he's really got a "nice way about him" and that the column was "cute" (not a regular reader).

For a second, I contemplated telling her that earlier in the day Gene gave me carte blanche to carve my initials in his forehead. I thought better of it. Not cute enough, I figured.

Gene Weingarten: It would take too long to explain the forehead-carving license, but suffice it to say that it is true. I do not retract it.

_______________________

Stunning comedy development: Gene, you've quoted Bill Hicks and mentioned some of his routines quite a bit-and rightfully so. After a morning of speculation, it has been confirmed that Mitch Hedberg died last night.

Were you familiar with his work and what did you think of him? He and Hicks had very different styles and personnas, but I enjoyed both of them and will Hedberg tremedously.

Gene Weingarten: Mitch Hedberg was terrific. He was not edgy, like Hicks. He was quirky, and that was good, too. Two Mitch Hedberg jokes:

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

I have a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a shirt.

Gene Weingarten: Here's a few more:

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

_______________________

Anonymous: Though you are clearly the primary (primal?)source on comics criticism, do you read much book-length humor (which is harder to sustain)? If so, whose books do you recommend, as I could really use a laugh these days?

Gene Weingarten: You know what's really good? Surprisingly? "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them." Al Franken. I laughed aloud at parts.

_______________________

I set 'em up....: Terri Schiavo, Johnny Cochran, Frank Perdue and the Pope arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says....

Gene Weingarten: This is one of the best posts I've seen. Okay, I hereby put it out there. Send your nominations to weingarten(at)washpost.com, and if anything is great, and publishable, you will see it here next week, with your credit.

Gene Weingarten: If any are ready for this chat, send em in, but I'm thinking this will take some time.

_______________________

Pap, AL: Okay, am I the only one who sees a connection between Frank Perdue and the Pope? They were practically one nose job away from being twins, were born 10 days apart in 1920, died within days of each other, were avid sportsmen early in life who found another calling, were notorious workaholics, were the first in their chosen field to see the benefits of media exposure, had their darkest days in 1981 (the Pope got shot and the Justice Dept. charged Perdue with unfair trade practices), chicken and christian are similarly sounding words, and the Eastern Shore is unfairly considered the backward part of Maryland while Poland is unfairly considered the backward part of Europe. Plus, the Pope's would-be assassin was from Turkey, a poultry connection if ever there were one. I'm not quite sure how Johnny Cochrane fits into this celebrity death trio, except maybe he's up in heaven spouting stupid rhymes, like "When the smoke is white, the Cardinals have seen the light." And yes, I am going to hell, thank you very much.

Gene Weingarten: Wowowowow.

If this is original, please identify yourself to Chatwoman.

Gene Weingarten: This is totally apart from the joke challenge. I'd just like to send you a rare thank you gift.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I have to say, I enjoyed your Below the Beltway piece this weekend ENORMOUSLY. It had me laughing out loud throughout the entire piece. One question -- how is it that Wendy does not bolt from the liquor store? Is she tied up inside, or do the vapors keep her pretty docile?

Gene Weingarten: You know: I have no idea. She roams. Goes outside every once in a while to play with Ophelia. I think she may have bolted because, at the time, she was not in her own home.

_______________________

Inside a bland cubicle, D.C.: I am so pleased to find out that Pastis, Conley and Amend are friends. That's fantastic. I imagine that they spend their days lounging around at hip coffee shops just being hysterically funny...

But here's my question, is there a network of comic strip writers? Do they typically fraternize? Are you allowed into their clubhouse?

Gene Weingarten: I suspect many of them dislike me. Who likes a critic, especially when he is always wrong.

They meet once a year, I think, at the Reuben Awards, and Johnny Hart has a BC Open golf tourney that many of the older guys attend. I talk to many cartoonists, and I have to say there is a LOT of sub rosa backbiting.

_______________________

St Louis, Mo.: You mentioned something last week about how men loved VPLs (visible panty lines) and suggested you were, as a result, baffled as to why women were concerned about such a "fashion statement" -- all this in regards to the inside-out-upside-down thong problem of one of your female fans. Okay, I can't deny that as a guy, VPLs have some quirky charm to them but the reason women worry about em is because of how they're seen by other women. I have, I dunno, three data points on this but every woman who's really into clothes (and some who aren't) don't go out to events thinking "how will the guys dig this" but "what will the other women say/think". That's why women sweat VPLs and other stuff. They don't care how we think, they care about how other women think.

Gene Weingarten: I think this is true. My wife has told me that she dresses for other women, not for men. Of course, everyone's wife probably tells him that, no?

_______________________

College Park, Md.: Here are my thoughts on a favorite topic of yours, Gene: the visible panty line (VPL). You say women shouldn't obsess about VPL because men love it. But that's precisely why we don't want to have it! Not all of us like being ogled. Also, remember that women check out other womens' outfits and judge based on their impressions. Someone has VPL or VBS (bra strap)? She's either a sloppy dresser or the sort of woman who WANTS people to see her undergarments. Either way, you can easily form a negative opinion of her. Catty? Yes, but true.

Gene Weingarten: A confirmation, of sorts. From the distaff side.

Does anyone know why it is called distaff?

_______________________

Uh, OH: Gene,

As we chat today, voters in my home state of Kansas are most likely approving a ballot measure that "protects marriage." Much to my surprise, it has nothing to do with creating initiatives to encourage premarital counseling or diminish spousal abuse or divorce or similar problems that end marriages. The best part about this is that the wording of the bill could deny even heterosexual couples that aren't married but live together the same rights as those who are betrothed.

Gene, what's the matter with Kansas?

Gene Weingarten: Plenty. Chatwoman, can you link to a piece I wrote a few years ago about the Kansas Board of Education, and evolution? I liked this piece.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: And God Said, Let There Be Light in Kansas (Post, Aug. 14, 1999)

_______________________

Papal Hum, OR: A letter writer in my local newspaper today proposed that the "Pope's intellect, influence put an end to Polish jokes". I, for one, have noticed no such end and as someone with some Polish blood I find these jokes quite funny.

Gene Weingarten: I have noticed a decline. I trace that decline to both the Pope and Solidarnosc. And, I guess, to a creeping civility, sad to say.

_______________________

Picture Pay, Ga.: How would one submit an illustration of Gene Weingarten?

washingtonpost.com: Send it via e-mail to liveonline@washingtonpost.com

Gene Weingarten: A public service announcement.

_______________________

Norfolk, Va.: I'm glad you liked Mitch; I did, too. My favorite line: "I'm against picketing... But I don't know how to show it."

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

_______________________

Not really an aptonym, but...:: Submitting early as I watch the streaming scoreboard for the Nats opener today. The scrolling MLB news ticker had this little tidbit a minute ago:

"Atkins placed on DL; Baker recalled"

It's not really an aptonym, but it's at least an aptonym analogue. Is there a name for these? The humor is juxtapositional instead of situational. I figured somebody had to have slapped a label on these. It's been a Leno staple for years with unfortunate wedding announcement combinations (though the only one that ever really made me laugh was the Bong-Hitz wedding).

Gene Weingarten: Evidently you have never seen THIS.

_______________________

New York, N.Y.: Overheard at the next table at a restaurant this weekend:

"So, now the cardinals from all over the world are going to get together and elect the next pope."

"How many cardinals are there?"

"About 180."

"Really, that many?"

"Yes, but you need a minyan of 117 or so in order to elect the pope."

Which isn't quite right, but I was laughing too hard to be nosy.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I'm laughin' here.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: "I didn't say it was GREAT. I was eight years old."

No, but you did say it was dirty.

Gene Weingarten: All pee-pee jokes are funny to an eight year old.

_______________________

Stephan Pastis, Santa Rosa, Calif.: Gene's right. Nobody likes him.

Gene Weingarten: Thanks, Step. Much obliged.

I GAVE YOU THE DAMN CPOW THIS WEEK YOU UNGRATEFUL SLIME.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: Your rare thank you gift isn't still the picture of your dog sniffing another dog's butt is it? Because that was the first thing I ever won a few years ago and it's kept me off contests since.

Gene Weingarten: Congratulations! I haven't decided what it is, but I might go back to that. That picture is still my screensaver at work.

_______________________

Mitch and Steven: So... Mitch Hedberg is a older Stephen Wright?

Gene Weingarten: They have been compared, yes. Younger, no?

Actually Hedberg had a line about that, I think. Accused of copying Wright, he said, if I made potato chips and sold em in a can, people would say I was copying Pringles. But if I sold the same chips in a bag...

_______________________

Pittsburgh, Pa.: What are your thoughts on what Richard Leiby said in his last chat? "Weingarten, just out of rehab, doesn's know his keister from a depleted uranium burial site."

Gene Weingarten: Leiby is an idiot. I hate to say this about my dear friend, but he is, at times, practically non compos mentis. Last week, he read the transcript of this chat and proclaimed that "your chats are too long."

How can a chat be too long?

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: For book-length humor, try Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett. Both of them make me laugh aloud at regular intervals (maybe every page or so).

As to the "distaff" side, the term arose because the distaff is a tool used for spinning, a task firmly associated with women for many years.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Thank you for both pieces of info.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Do you think that the numerous mentions in these chats of "I can't believe Darby Conley's getting away with this," finally clued in his editors?

Gene Weingarten: Well, it didn't clue them in in time. Several papers RAN the beaver.

_______________________

Chocolate Milk: I have to say, I don't know why it was in the comics, it wasn't funny or quaint. But, for some reason, my husband does like to point out to people that I am nursing in strange ways. He will show off our daughter's new teeth and say that her teething hurts me more than it hurts her. And he thinks it is funny to serve coffee to guests and bring out the "wrong milk" to use as creamer. I wouldn't put this past him if we had more than one child.

Gene Weingarten: You are nursing "in strange ways"? Please share.

_______________________

Stephan Pastis, Santa Rosa, Calif.: Sorry. Didn't see the Comic Pick of the Week. In truth, you're both respected and loved.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. But you're still slime.

_______________________

Re: Sunday's column: I thought Achenbach was better.

I also think there should be a weekly contest, where we get to vote on who was funnier.

Gene Weingarten: Achenbach is ALWAYS better.

_______________________

WTF?: I'm not going to try to defend the phrase "white trash," because of course all stereotypes like that are bad, even the funny ones. But I think you're mistaking in assuming that it is at all insulting to blacks. It just evokes a very specific image of inevitably white people: mullets, trailer parks, chew tobacco, Pabst, mesh baseball caps, shooting at roadsigns, you get the idea. Disparaging towards people in trailer parks, yes; desparaging towards blacks, no.

Gene Weingarten: So why is there no analogous term "black trash"?

Think about it. I think you will see I am right.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Loved your column, as I'm sure all dog owners did. So let me know if you think this story indicates brilliance or stupidity:

Our puppy, Maggie, is forbidden to eat Scuffy (our other dog)'s food. She figured this out early on but still tries to be sneaky about it, mostly by not audibly chewing his food but letting it get soft in her mouth and then swallowing it as silently as possible. Three days ago I heard her rustling in his bowl and yelled for her to come out of the kitchen, which she did, with her cheeks full of his kibble. When I commanded her to "drop it" she carefully spat the (intact but softened) kibble on the floor with a gentle "ptoo", then proceeded to leap back from the kibble, and began growling and barking at it furiously, as if punishing it for being in her mouth. She kept sneaking sideways glances at me as she continued to growl and snarl at the kibble, as though gaging my reaction.

Is she demonstrating brains by trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to be manipulative, or is she dumb as a box of rocks for thinking this would work? I can't quite decide. Either way, it was highly amusing.

Gene Weingarten: If you are not over-reading her behavior, this is one smart, funny dog you have.

I once owned a smart parrot and a dumb dog at the same time. The dog used to pee in front of the parrot's cage, sometimes. The parrot would fly to our mantel, pick up a little soapstone bear, and drop it on the dog.

_______________________

Reston, Va.: John Charles Daley was a competent game show host in much the same way that Y.A. Tittle was a competent quarterback: he does the job but there's not much flair about him. For my money, the best game show host was Ernie Kovacs, whose game show Take A Good Look was the best thing on TV in its day. He had to be great, since all his celebrity panelists, including Edie Adams, were always ready to strangle him for the insanity of his so-called clues.

Gene Weingarten: Sold. Though of course, we now have to add Groucho, whom I forgot.

_______________________

Pastis seems pretty funny: But why is he always reading this chat? I assume he is wealthy ... shouldn't he be on a tropical beach sipping cold, alchoholic drinks with little umbrellas in them?

Gene Weingarten: Stephan? You got an answer to this one.

By the way, he pronounces his name STAY-fahn. Which is just a little bit overly French, if you get my drift.

_______________________

Ethical Question: I know from reading your "Hypochondriac's" book that you are a big believer in organ donation. I also tend to agree with you on those occasions when the chat veers into ethics and judgement. So my question is what to do with a spouse who does not want their organs donated. He is not religious, and has no reason which can be articulated except that he doesn't want to do it. I have argued and argued. But, when he is dead he won't know; and could I make the decision to deny those organs to someone who needs them? I contrast this with the overwhelming desire to have him honor my wishes and want to respect his. What do you think?

Gene Weingarten: I think it would be hugely unethical for you to donate one of his organs. Unless I happen to need a liver at that particular moment.

_______________________

New York, N.Y.: Gene, thought you would get a kick out of this, taken verbatim from the Wall Street Journal "Evening Roundup" email:

"Death Accused of Stealing From Cemetery

Prosecutors accused Donald Death Jr., 60 years old, of Locust Valley, N.Y., of stealing about $300,000 from Long Island's Locust Valley Cemetery Association. Mr. Death, chairman and assistant treasurer of the cemetery association, pleaded not guilty to the charges. An audit found that Mr. Death took money from the association for personal use. His attorney, however, said all of the money had been returned, and he described Mr. Death as an "upstanding member of the community who has served on many boards and charities" who had suffered from some "business pressures," according to the Associated Press. Mr. Death was released on his own recognizance."

Liz, hope someone sends in new Gene pix, it's a fun idea, and they've been way cool so far.

Gene Weingarten: 7,803 people sent me this.

_______________________

Match Ga, ME: Gene Rayburn has to be up there. Completely pushed the envelope in the 70s for titillation and double entendres.

Gene Weingarten: I saw Gene Rayburn, as a pretty old man, star in a production of "The Bird Cage." In New Hope, Pa. (Don't ask.) He was amusingly dreadful.

_______________________

Rockville, Md.: you have written about your dislike of large weddings. What is your view of major funerals, such as the Pope's, Reagan, etc.?

Gene Weingarten: I like big funerals. I like funerals. Well, I mean, I respect funerals. They can be moving, and funny.

_______________________

Mr. Death: It's just a shame he never finished his doctorate.

Gene Weingarten: Yes.

_______________________

VPL Musings: I do not understand the thong and have tried it for two weeks, different shapes, etc. My bum just aint made for it. So in an effort to ward off the VPL I wear the equivalent of granny panties and it seems to work, except with one pair of pants. So you're sayen I should sport the Granny Panty VPL with this particular pair and just wait for the oggling to begin?

Gene Weingarten: I suspect the granny panties do not supply an acceptable vpl. The proper vpl should be roughly 60 degrees to plumb. I know you will do the right thing.

_______________________

Tighty Whiteys, EW: I can say as a woman that if I was with a guy and it got to the point where I saw his underwear, and they were tighy whiteys, it would probably stop me then and there. TOTALLY a turn off.

If you think about it, women wear underwear that is not always for comfort -- we want to look good in it -- sexy, feminine. Shouldn't guys want to do the same (look good, that is)? Tighty whiteys strips a man of any masculinity. It makes me think of five-year-old boys. Not sexy.
Ew.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. I feel obligated to report, even though it is against my interests, that I received an email from a woman who told me she likes tightie whities because they remind her of her (now grown) little boy.

_______________________

Vap, ID: Aptonym, sort of. Under the legitimate massage listings in the Northern Virginia Verizon Yellow Pages, a place on Backlick Road in Annandale has chosen to call itself Backlick Holistic Massage.

Gene Weingarten: I like that.

_______________________

Who, ME: I noticed that several times, when a chatter made a post that was so good as to be quoted later in a Post article (e.g. "marrying Irving") the chatter was identified by name. I thought that giving proper credit was cool, but wondered how it was possible to figure out chatter's identities.

Then I realized: Duh, I'm usually logged in to post.com when I post to the chat. So enlighten us, please. How anonymous are these chats, really? Does Liz see a username with every post? Do you?

PS. Has Joe Steffen ever posted to this chat?

washingtonpost.com: The "marrying Irving" chatter was not identified... we honestly have no way of knowing who you are unless you tell us.

Gene Weingarten: Right. The marrying Irving chatter identified himself to me after the chat.

_______________________

Be like Ge, NE: On Friday we are going to go get our marriage license, have lunch then we have an appointment with a county official to get married later that afternoon. Mind you, I was already against any kind of elaborate, fancy wedding but your advice to go lunch-hour courthouse style convinced me. Wish me luck.

Gene Weingarten: Good luck and congratulations. This is how the rib and I did it, and we're heading for our 25th anniversary.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: I was in a government building this morning where the elevator lobby sported a sign explaining "Evacuation In A Nutshell." I blame you for the fact that I immediately giggled and thought "I don't have that kind of dexterity."

Gene Weingarten: I consider "Void Where Prohibited" to be a hilarious line.

_______________________

Plumb panties: Uh, Gene, it's 30 degrees to plumb. 60 degrees to level.

Gene Weingarten: Wrong. Thirty degrees to plum would be a major wedgie.

_______________________

Portland, Ore.: As a comic aficionado, what strips, in your opinion, never got the recognition they deserved and went away before their time?

(My vote in this category goes to "Bliss," a strip about a young urban couple, which was syndicated in about two papers in the mid- or late-90's. Do you remember that one at all? I thought the author had a enjoyably quirky sense of humor.)

Gene Weingarten: Honestly, I can't think of one. I should be able to. Any other nominees?

_______________________

Ooga-boo, GA: Re Gene Rayburn:

For one 4th of July show, Charles Nelson Riley was dressed flamboyantly (what else?) in red, white and blue. Rayburn studied him a minute and announced, "Charles, you're a grand old (pause) flag."

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

_______________________

Formerly from Philly: Did you eat at Mama's in New Hope? I was a bit naive, and didn't realize the nature of the place until the second time our waiter apologized for no food coming out because the chef and the fry cook were "having a spat."

Gene Weingarten: Also, hahahaha.

_______________________

Takoma Park, Md.: Gahan Wilson or Charles Addams?

Gene Weingarten: Neither was unappreciated or short lived.

_______________________

Cubeville: I have a meeting in 20 minutes, and I'm not ready for it because I've been reading your chat instead of prepping. How should I cover?

washingtonpost.com: Music to my ears.

Gene Weingarten: Tell a Schiavo-Pope-Purdue-Cochran joke.

_______________________

Atlanta. Ga.: Is it wrong to think that Jane Fonda is still hot and sexy at 67? She is, you know.

Gene Weingarten: Why does that surprise you?

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Excluding yourself, who is the funniest person of all time? I think I'd go with Mark Twain.

Gene Weingarten: I have to think about this. Twain is surely not a bad suggestion. Richard Pryor comes to mind. Woody Allen. Groucho Marx. And these are just people in English. There might have been a hilarious cave man. This is hard.

_______________________

Unrecognized comics: The Fusco Brothers was an occasionally great strip that The Post dropped to add another corny family.

Gene Weingarten: I was never a fan.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten:
Now, the poll:

Of course it was a coordinated hoax, you few silly ninnies, you! A rather excellent one, too. I read Fuzzy first, and then when I got to Pearls, my first thought was that there had been a grievous and embarrassing pollination of ideas. Only when I hit Foxtrot did I remember the date, and understood the joke was on me.

Interestingly, at the same moment, I realized something else. I knew one of the three guys had written the joke, and I KNEW it was not Bill Amend. Why? Because the joke caused the Foxtrot characters to behave in an unrealistic way. Paige is never going to let that sort of assault by Jason go unanswered. It is totally out of character, which is why the joke does not work as well in Foxtrot as in the other two strips, both of which have a mean-spirited character and a dumb-victim character.

Pastis wrote it, by the way.

Lastly, I think the fact that it didn't work that well in Foxtrot underscores something: Comics are a leetle more complicated than we sometimes give them credit for. These characters are alive, and have distinctive personalities, and a slight tear in the fabric becomes obvious.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Is it wrong to eat a banana at your desk when your coworkers can see you?

Gene Weingarten: Probably, if you are female. Sorry. You asked, I answered. I apologize. Profusely.

Hm, actually, I suppose it cuts the other way, too, for some people.

Yes. Yes, it is a mistake to eat a banana at work. That is my official pronouncement.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: Am I the ONLY FBOW fan out there? I think not. Many people want to know if Liz will marry, and who that will be.

Gene Weingarten: For its type -- chick driven, relationship strip -- FBOW is pretty good. It may be the best ever. I don't like it much.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: What if you slice the banana up into quarter-inch pieces first? Gene Weingarten: That would be fine, Liz.

_______________________

Great Game Show Hosts: Richard Dawson. So bad he was good.

Gene Weingarten: AGreed. I loved him. He projected sleaze beautifully. I also liked him on Hogan's Heroes. Interestingly, the whole time the REAL sleaze was Hogan.

_______________________

Secure Location, D.C. : Did you know the instructions if anyone calls in a bomb scare includes asking for the caller's name and phone number? I used to be amazed this was on the checklist until a caller actually complied.

Gene Weingarten: Noted. Thank you.

_______________________

Portland, Ore., better known as the Beaver State: I myself just don't see the problem with Darby using beaver in his recent strip.

First, and most importantly, Oregon is the Beaver State, and it became a state on Feb. 14th, Valentine's Day. What better way to celebrate, than with Beaver?

Second, and more seriously, if you know the "other" meaning of beaver, it's a hilarious strip, and those that don't think of beaver as anything other than a dam building animal located in northern states, it would go right past them, as a tasty animal that Bucky Katt would love to eat.

I don't see an issue here.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

Um, how do you explain the last panel? Does it really make sense without the entendre?

_______________________

Stephan Pastis, Santa Rosa, Calif.: Make no mistake. I read this chat because Gene pays me to. I get $250 per post.

Gene Weingarten: Watterson is holding out for $500.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: Gene,

Do you golf? Why/why not?

Gene Weingarten: I do not. Because I am horrible. Liz please find, in the next six minutes, a column I did on how bad I golf. Search for Julieta.

_______________________

Bana,NA: Isn't cutting it into quarter-inch sections even worse -- an open ackowledgement of the filthiness and shame of the fruit?

I eat bananas at work. Am male. Really, I'd love it if it actually made people uncomfortable, but I'm a jerk.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

_______________________

Funniest Person Ever?: Part of me wants to throw Robin Williams into the mix, but in the last few years his routine has seemed to be growing a little thin.

One sure contender would be Steve Martin.

Gene Weingarten: Clearly, we are all showing a recentness bias.

_______________________

DC: Re FBOW: Will any fans be satisfied unless Liz's high-school boyfriend (Anthony?) ends up ditching his bitchy wife to marry Liz?

Gene Weingarten: I don't see any other solution, actually, except there is a baby so it is complicated. But boy has Lynn Johnston gone out of her way to make that woman a horror.

_______________________

I (heart) FBOFW: I've been reading it on the comic page for as long as I remember. I'm about Michael's age (yes, I used to have a little crush) and I've more or less grown up with him. PLus, the mom's name is Ellie, which was my nickname growing up. I really like the fact that the character's have grown and aged, and that they're all dealing with life in all it's many-splendored forms. This is why comics like Baldo stink so often, because they're trite, and two-dimensional. IMHO

Gene Weingarten: As I said, this is a chick-driven, relationships strip.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Thank you all. I must run deal with Tom The Butcher, which is an ordeal akin to surgery sans anasthetic. See you same time, next week. And please: Get those jokes in. If you can't come up with one, I shall have to, and We Can't Have That.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway
Oct. 20, 2002


I played golf the other day and finished last in my foursome. I didn't mind losing to my boss--Tom has been playing a lot longer than I have. I was also okay with losing to a woman--Julieta is a pro golfer. What bothered me a little, though, was losing to Ernie.

"Don't feel bad about it," Julieta consoled afterward. "Ernie is really good for a 90-year-old man."

It is true. Ernie Dacier was born during the waning days of the Taft administration, and he whupped my sorry butt.

I don't want to say that golf is not my sport, because then someone might reasonably inquire what, precisely, is my sport--the athletic pursuit at which I am better than most people--and I would have to admit it is juggling eggs. Suffice it to say that of the many legitimate sports at which I fail to excel, golf is the one at which I fail to excel to the greatest comedic effect.

I was out there, basically, on a dare. My neighbor Julieta Stack was looking for a student to test out an ambitious six-hour training program she is designing to teach a complete novice to play double-bogey golf. (For those who don't know the game, I should explain that a double-bogey golfer plays at the lowest possible level of quasi-respectability. If golf were rock-and-roll, and you wanted to find a double-bogey rock band, it would be Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.)

I immediately volunteered to be Julieta's guinea pig. This was unfair, right from the get-go. It was as though Julieta had claimed to be able to teach anyone to paint miniature frescoes, and Stevie Wonder volunteered.

Now, Julieta harbors few illusions. She's the ultimate realist. ("Sometimes someone will come to me for lessons because they say they want to be on the senior tour. And I'm thinking, 'Yeah, and I want to be Miss America.' ") So after a few minutes of watching me attempt to drive a ball off a tee with all the grace and composure of Elmer Fudd trying to brain a rabbit with a sledgehammer, Julieta smiled a little grimly and crafted a specially customized double-bogey-achieving strategy: I would not even attempt to pretend that I am a man. I would use only the smaller clubs and not try to drive the ball significant distances. (This was fine with me; I long ago sacrificed any remaining dignity to this column.)

Julieta was good. After three hours, she actually had me hitting the ball in the air, and in the general direction of the green. And when we tried a practice round at a short nine-hole course, I came within one stroke of double-bogey golf. All that was left was the real deal the next day at East Potomac Park.

I contend that I would have been okay if Tom had not helpfully informed me shortly before the match that he intended to invoke the Ankles Convention. The Ankles Convention stipulates that a male golfer who fails to hit the ball off the men's tee far enough to reach the women's tee must waddle to his next shot with his pants at his ankles.

So, I don't know. Maybe I was a little tense. The fact is that I spent the next four hours futilely hacking and chopping at the ball, propelling it forward with all the efficiency of a man kicking a balloon. On one hole I scored a 14, which might be a course record for non-blind golfers.

I admit I was also rattled by the presence of Ernie. There is simply no excuse for a person like Ernie, who walks as erect as a soldier, has a washboard belly, and plays golf not just with skill but with an almost otherworldly confidence that I attribute to simple longevity. You live healthy to 90, you pretty much figure that God's got your back.

On one hole, Ernie found himself slightly off the fairway, with a big, fat, thick-leafed tree squatting monolithically between him and the green. Ernie took out his 5-iron, addressed the ball, and hit it right into the canopy of leaves.

There wasn't a sound. Not a whisper or a rustle or any other hint that a single piece of greenery had been discommoded. The ball came rocketing out the other side at roughly the same speed it went in, and plopped down just shy of the green.

Julieta stared at this, turned to me, smiled, shrugged and said, "Ernie hits through trees."

After a while, I found myself attempting to take my mind off the wretchedness of my performance through theoretical exercises in epistemology and semiotics. For example: Shouldn't there be a term for a putt hit so ineptly that it winds up farther from the cup than it started? I decided this is a "puttz." I had two of them.

I wound up with exactly double par, a score so revolting there is no official term for it--though, at 144, we can just call it a "gross-out."

If golf were rock-and-roll, my game would be "MacArthur Park" re-recorded by those barking dogs.

_______________________

_______________________

UPDATED 04.06.05

Gene Weingarten: Regarding my column on Sunday, not unexpectedly I have received numerous correspondences from owners of Jack Russell terriers objecting to my calling them "little sissydogs." Jack Russell terrier owners contend these guys are fierce and fearless, even though they are the size of smaller poultry. I really want them to stop writing, so I will acknowledge here, for the record, that they are studly beasts capable of killing water buffalos. Thank you. But, still, the average sized man CAN punt one 25 yards.

_______________________

What if you slice the banana up into quarter-inch pieces first?: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, you man-hating crazy legs?

Gene Weingarten: I object. Lizzie is not a man-hating crazy legs! She is a man-hating WORMYlegs.

washingtonpost.com: When can I carve those initials into your forehead?

_______________________

So why is there no analogous term "black trash"?: Oh please. The stereotype of white trash behavior includes a set of characteristics pretty much limited to low class whites (e.g. blacks don't generally grow mullets). Hence the "white" trash. There are also derogatory names for low-class blacks. You thought you had a really clever observation, but you didn't.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, a LOT of posts on this. Many people make the point that there is a name for black trash, and that is the n-word.

You are missing the point. I don't care if there IS a word for lower class blacks. The point is, if one talks about "white trash," one is suggesting there are two kinds of whites: White people, and white trash. You with me so far?

Okay, now if this were a race neutral term -- completely race neutral -- there would be a term "black trash" that would be used equally often.

Actually, there's a better way of explaining this: Why use the word "white?" Why not just say "he's trash?"

Think about it. THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER FOR WHY RACE IS INJECTED INTO THAT TERM.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene,
As keeper of All Things Toilet, I need your opinion. Our bathrooms at work have a large gap at the bottom, which results in a lot of shoe comparison. I was hovering in a stall when a woman (shoes were only OK) stood facing the toilet next to me. Fine, I figured she was cleaning off the seat. Well, she continued to go standing up, facing the seat. That would have alarmed me but I happen to know of a product that would allow this. The clincher came after she left the stall: she merely splashed water on her hands, no soap, and hastily dried her hands on the way out. Is it safe to assume based on the evidence stated that this person was in fact a man?

Gene Weingarten: I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, the evidence seems pretty persuasive. On the other, I would think that a man living as a woman would never pee standing up, particularly with a woman in the stall next to him/her. I would think sitting would become a habit, everywhere.

You did not say it, but I presume you heard peeing.

On balance... probably a guy.

_______________________

V, PL: It's not so much the visible panty line that I look for, it is the lack thereof. Because the lack of VPL provides much more food for the imagination.

Gene Weingarten: See, this is wrong. Ladies, I am going to share some gross male secrets here, and you may wish to avert your eyes. Unless plumbing the depths of the male sexual response interests you.

If you are looking at a woman in pants, you do not need any help whatsoever to imagine her naked. That's easy. You are given all the information you need.

BUT (as it were) that is too EASY. That is not INTERESTING. As any bawdyhouse can tell you, it is the striptease that is exciting. Panty lines afford that opportunity.

I do not intend to repeat this.

_______________________

UPDATED 04.07.05

Washington, D.C.: Following up on your evolution column link, here's a recent apology from the editors of Scientific American.

"In retrospect, this magazine's coverage of so-called evolution has been hideously one-sided. ... True, the theory of common descent through natural selection has been called the unifying concept for all of biology and one of the greatest scientific ideas of all time, but that was no excuse to be fanatics about it. ... we shamefully mistreated the Intelligent Design (ID) theorists by lumping them in with creationists."

Gene Weingarten: This is fabulous. You must read it to the end.

_______________________

Baltimore Md.: Re: game show hosts. For exactly one evening, the Great One, Jackie Gleason, took that job for CBS. They developed an inane prime time game show called "You're In the Picture." People stuck their heads through cutout pictures (like those ones you used to see at the shore) and then they were given clues to guess who, or what, they were. The show was so awful that it was on for one week. The next week, at the appointed time, the camera came up on Gleason, alone, sitting in an armchair with a "coffee" cup. He then proceeded to apologize for the previous week saying (I am paraphrasing) that it was, "without a doubt the worst show in the history of television."

Gene Weingarten: I remember this. It was a classic.

_______________________

Backlick, RI: The Backlick Holistic Center has nothing on the Arlington Pediatric Center. They win the award for the most inappropriate logo.

Gene Weingarten: Whoa.

washingtonpost.com: Somewhere a graphic designer is smirking.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I eat bananas at work, just did actually. However, I feel awkward about it (am female if that matters), so I break off a chunk and bite pieces off the chunk, leaving the rest of the banana on my desk re-covered by the peel until I finish each chunk.

Gene Weingarten: I just love how seriously people took this question: Dozens of opinions expressed, mostly by women, mostly coming down to what this person has posted.

_______________________

UPDATED 04.08.05

I heart Satchel: Is it weird that Satchel from "Get Fuzzy" can make me cry? I know someone else wrote in and asked if it was weird that she had a crush on Rob (I totally do, too), but I think feeling bad for a cartoon dog is weirder. The strip on 3/12 was probably the saddest comic strip I have ever read, and it had me thinking about poor Satchel and his hurt feelings for the rest of the day. I had to go home and give my dog a big hug and kiss, because I imagine if she could talk and make me sandwiches she would be a lot like him. Is this crazy?

Gene Weingarten: No, Satchel is one of the great cartoon characters of all time. He has pathos.

What's crazy is that you have a crush on Rob. Rob is an astonishing nerd, never seems to work, is never in the company of a woman, lives like an assassin, is a fan of rugby and the Boston Red Sox. He gets out all his aggression by punishing a cat. And he seems to have bad teeth. Rob is one of life's biggest losers.

_______________________

Shiavo: I'm the poster who said... and believe... that all life is beautiful. I didn't realize that such a statement that is a central part of virtually every organized religion would touch such a nerve. That's incredibly sad. One poster suggested that I lacked critical thinking skills because I mentioned the Nazis along with my beautiful life message. Let's put aside a discussion of my critical thinking skills for now. Yes, even the Nazis who did some of the most despicable things imaginable (akin, some would say, to state-sponsored starvation of handicapped people) shared the beautiful gift of life. I don't disagree with you, Gene, when you say that death sometimes is a welcome alternative to pain and suffering. That doesn't minimize the fleeting beauty and gift of life. And I feel for parents who face the agonizing in utero decisions another poster wrote about. I know many people who have been in that same position. Again, it shouldn't minimize the beauty of life. You're wrong when you say some life is not beautiful. Some life is hard. Some life is probably unfair. That's doesn't mean it's not a beautiful, unexplainable gift. You are also wrong when you suggest that you are not alive if you do not have a brain. (A super majority of Americans belong to a religion that teaches that the soul is the determining factor; not any sort of brain activity.) I know you are an atheist. (Maybe you're agnostic, but your comments make me think you're an atheist). Using your logic, Kevorkian never should have been jailed; and he should be free to set up retail outlets for people who want to die. I know we'll only agree to disagree on this issue. But I thought I'd expound on my original post. I won't be around during your chat on Tuesday (so let the slings and arrows from your Godless readers begin!)

Gene Weingarten: I don't want to get into a religious debate, I certainly don't want to offend the religious, and yes, I consider myself an agnostic.

The only point I'll comment on is your suggestion that the state is equivalent to the Nazis in "starvation of handicapped people."

Someone smart once noted that, as a forensic tactic, the moment anyone compares something to the Holocaust, he loses the argument. I agree.

_______________________

Bethesda, Md.: Gene:

When people try to tell a funny story and failure to get a laugh/chuckle/reaction out of it, often they will say, "Well, you had to be there."

My question to you -- is this actually true? Did the person actually need to witness the funny event for themselves, or is the person just really bad at telling stories, or maybe the story just isn't actually that funny. Shouldn't a story that is obviously funny be able to withstand a poor storyteller?

-- Snotty Bananatush (isn't that a lovely image)

Gene Weingarten: It means they hadn't thought the story out in advance. Hadn't planned the storytelling, to know whether it would work as standup.

Before I tell a joke, even one I have told many times, I will do a dry run in my head. You have to, or you are liable to make a bonehead mistake, like forgetting an essential element, or telegraphing the end.

_______________________

Baby Carrot, Calif.: The mystery of the baby carrots is exposed. The baby carrots are actually "real" carrots that are deliberatly planted closer together to get longer, skinnier carrots, then "sized" down to baby carrot size. This is why some baby carrots are larger than others, and out of the good large carrots they can get three babies. The shaved bits aren't wasted, nope, the farmers wouldn't do that. Instead, they go into things like juice. And about 90 percent of the baby carrots distributed in the U.S. come from two major farm and distribution companies in California.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, noted. Now we know.