Q. I have always been close to my 8-year-old daughter -- a bright, happy child who loves school, enjoys her dance, drama and piano classes and has many friends and playmates.
I work part time but am home when she gets off the school bus and we talk together every day.
But I worry about her father's behavior. I don't think he realizes how much he has changed since we married 15 years ago. He had a difficult childhood and suffers from depression, ADHD, anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder, so some of his actions are understandable, but not all. Although medications have made him much better, he still explodes unpredictably and he won't do any more talk therapy.
He can be sweet and caring and then he lashes out, particularly after he's had his two or three nightly beers (and more on weekends). He then blames me for every household and marital problem, he yells at our daughter for spilling crumbs on the rug and he insults me and calls me vicious names. I stay calm during his tantrums but I can't believe it is good for our daughter to see her father act like this. The next day he is sorry, but the damage has been done.
Although I am well educated and have many interests and friends, I feel unappreciated and much like a single parent. I'd like to have family adventures on the weekends, but my husband wants to stay home to do office work and he gets angry if he's interrupted.
Doesn't he want to be a father and husband anymore? Would our daughter be better off if we got a divorce? How can I help her best?
A.Nothing helps a child more than a happy, stable marriage. And nothing undermines that stability and happiness more than abuse and alcohol.
As tempting as it is, your husband shouldn't blame everything on his difficult childhood or on his medical conditions, nor should he use alcohol to deal with depression because alcohol is a depressant in itself.
Instead, he must keep trying to fix whatever is fixable for his sake, for your sake and especially for his daughter's sake. And so should you.
See his doctor on your own, even if insurance won't cover this confidential visit. He needs to know that the medicines he has prescribed are working, but not completely, and that alcohol seems to interfere with their effectiveness.
With this information, the doctor will want to call your husband in for a liver-function study and other tests to see if he's processing the medicines and the alcohol completely. Although your husband doesn't drink as much as most alcoholics, it may still be too much when combined with all of his medications. The liver can process only so many toxins at a time.
If the test results are positive, ask the doctor to call both of you to his office so he can explain them to you because you and your husband are a team and you must know what's going on, too. If the doctor doesn't want to work with you, however, or you lack confidence in his treatment, ask your husband to get a consultation with a psychopharmacologist or a neuropsychiatrist who specializes in drugs. With so many different ones on the market, your husband needs an expert to make sure that he's taking the right drugs and in the right amounts. He may just need a tweak of this or that to improve dramatically.
But if the drinking and the verbal abuse continue, start going to Al-Anon meetings, and let your daughter, even at 8, go to Alateen meetings, too. It will comfort you both to see how other people handle drinking problems in their families and what they are doing to change their situations.
You should see a therapist, too, because it sounds like you're holding onto your marriage out of duty, rather than love. Once you've talked enough about your own pain, you will either figure out how to help your husband get back on track or you will find the strength to leave him if he does not. Only you can make that heartbreaking decision.
Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.
