On the Job

Dealing with unwanted personal comments in the office can be dicey because one person's welcomed compliment can be deemed harassment by another.

Q I work at a very relaxed research facility in a small community. Part of its charm is that the people are friendly, ask about family, and it's very "non-corporate." My problem is that an older man at work -- I am in my mid-twenties and he is in his forties -- keeps complimenting me about how I look and how I smell. I find it inappropriate. Many of the women close to his age welcome his compliments. Once he prefaced a compliment by saying, "You're not going to get me with harassment, are you?" He laughed, then commented how good I smelled and was very flirty with his tone. He's never tried anything, and these incidents have occurred perhaps a dozen times in three years.

I am usually very assertive, but this is a very laid-back workplace. How do I handle this the next time he says something? I don't want to be seen as a "problem employee."

ARebecca Hastings, who answers employment questions for the Society for Human Resource Management in Alexandria, said the key thing to remember in situations like this is that "harassment is in the eye of the beholder" and that just because some women may not be offended by this co-worker's comments does not mean that all women appreciate them.

Hastings said that the next time this occurs, the woman "can gently let the guy know how she feels. . . . She can say, 'Remember when you asked if your comments were harassment? Well, I'd hate for it to get to that, but sometimes the way you talk to me makes me uncomfortable.' That way you've put him on notice with an honest, sincere statement," she said. "There's a right way and a wrong way to get a point across."

Hastings said that if the man persists, she then can "gently remind him that we're not going to make such comments" and that if it occurs beyond that "to be more firm. Women are not there to be visual attractions. They're there to work."

-- Kenneth Bredemeier

E-mail your workplace questions to Kenneth Bredemeier at bredemeier@washpost.com. Discuss workplace issues with him at 11 a.m. Wednesday at www.washingtonpost.com/liveonline.