10. "Thanks, God."
Widmer's list can come in handy for folks eager to celebrate zestily while watching President Bush's inauguration on Thursday. Just keep the list in one hand and a tankard of grog in the other. As Dubya hits each numbered point, drink deeply. When he gets all 10, holler "Bingo!"
Unplanned Parenthood
Consumer Reports, the magazine that tests and rates the stuff we Americans buy, tested and rated condoms. In its February issue, the mag concluded that most condoms work very well. But it also found "two to avoid."
Ironically, those two are distributed by Planned Parenthood.
"If you obtain condoms from Planned Parenthood, avoid the low-rated scented Honeydew and Assorted Colors varieties," the magazine recommends.
"Instead, choose the Lollipop, a brightly colored condom packaged on a stick. We rated it excellent overall."
A condom called Lollipop? Packaged on a stick? Who knew?
When news of the Consumer Reports article broke, Planned Parenthood defended its condoms, claiming that they'd passed other tests "with flying colors." Maybe, but that won't stop me from making a dumb joke:
Q:What do you call a guy who uses Planed Parenthood's Honeydew condoms?
A: Daddy.
By the way, here's a word of advice for folks whose minds work like mine: Don't bother to apply for a job at Consumer Reports. They use machines to test the condoms.
