John Kelly's Washington Live

Post columnist John Kelly (The Washington Post)

In his debut column, new Washington Post columnist John Kelly described himself thusly: "When I've tried explaining my new job to people these last few weeks ... I've found it easier to just sigh and say, 'I'm the new Bob Levey.' That people get. But let me say this about that: I know Bob Levey. Bob Levey is a friend of mine. I'm no Bob Levey. What I am, for better or worse, is a John Kelly. And what exactly a John Kelly is I hope you'll come to learn over the coming weeks and months."

To further the cause of discovering the real John Kelly, he'll be online Fridays at 1 p.m. ET to take your questions on his recent columns, life in the D.C. area and more.

Kelly has been at The Post for 15 years, serving previously and variously as editor of the Weekend section, founder of KidsPost and general assignment reporter in the Metro section.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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John Kelly: Greetings on a glorious spring day. Thank you for joining me here, on your computer, when you could be outside enjoying it. In my column on Monday I printed recipes from a long-gone DC bakery known as Stephanson's. Wednesday I wrote about an Oklahoma pecan farmer who visited Washington 50 years ago and wonders what happened to a woman he met then. I haven't made the cookies yet, and I haven't found the pecan farmer's lady, but here's what I'm wondering: Is anything?a beloved cookie, an old friend?ever as good the second time around as the first? Thoughts, please.

Today I wrote about a funeral home that wants you to be thinking NOW about your demise. Tell me how you would "celebrate" your funeral. Or about any real fun funerals you've attended. Finally, today marks the start of the inaugural John Kelly's Washington Haiku Contest. Send you DC-area-themed haikus to me at kellyj@washpost.com.

But, of course, we'll talk about whatever is on your mind. And away we go?

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Washington, D.C.: Greetings from a small sunless cubicle in the heart of downtown D.C.

I hear they are considering putting Panda statues all over town, much like those ridiculous donkeys and elephants that peppered across the city a while back.

Can't folks find a better way to spend money that to toss it away on eyesores like those? Considering the problems that National Zoo is having (and the staggering amount of money spent on animal care when there are hungry kids right across town), is this a prudent way to spend money?

John Kelly: Get out in the sun! (But not until 2:01 p.m.) Yes, a lot of those elephants and donkeys were kinda hokey. And the pandas are sure to be the same. But they were kind of neat, too. Don't forget, Washington is a public city. What I mean by that is that it has a face that it must turn to visitors. I think tourists will dig them. Whether that will inspire anyone to drop a few more bucks into the city's coffers, who knows. What do you guys think of the painted statue idea?

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Maryland: I enjoyed your cemetary column today. If I may add ... I am a bit of a taphophile, so I enjoy wandering in cemeteries and reading tombstones. The unique ones are the ones that catch my eye and set me to wondering what the person must have been like. My father-in-law recently purchased his own tombstone. The only thing missing is the death date. We always figured he'd want a VA one to highlight his military service. Instead, he opted for a prettier stone with a engraving of a guitar, declaring that he'd rather be remembered for his music. See, now he's happy and we have one less thing to worry about when he passes.

John Kelly: That's a great story. And I learned a new word: "taphopile, a lover of tombstones." Anyone out there a taphophobe?

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Washington, D.C.: I enjoy your column, but isn't it a bit premature to say it's YOUR Washington?

John Kelly: You know, you've got a point. MY idea for the name was "John Kelly's Atkin's-Friendly Column" but the suits here spiked it. Have they no vision? Actually, the good thing about JKW is that it has an inherent justifier: This is my take on Washington, which may be different from your take. But perhaps we should have a kolumn renaming kontest.

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Maryland: I must compliment you on your columns. You had big shoes to fill when Bob Levey left. I think you filled them well. Your columns are different yet equally enjoyable, especially the "Answer Man" ones. Lovin' it! I've added your column to my "daily must read" with coffee.

John Kelly: Thank you so much. That's very nice of you. I hope people enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.

Here's another question that a reader e-mailed directly to me that I'll throw out to you:
"My best friend is coming to Washington next week and we plan to do a day with the Cherry Blossoms, do you know of any restaurants that overlook the city, in particular a view of the blossoms. I wanted to make lunch reservations but have no clue where to turn." Ideas?

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Thomas Circle, Washington, D.C.: Funny column this morning about the Fort Lincoln cemetary. Those guys are still at it, I see. I remember a few years ago they were uber-aggressive in telemarketing their services. I picked up the phone once and told them that I was (at the time) 26 years old and planning for my death was not at the front of my mind, but they kept calling back ... My caller ID literally reflected them calling every day for weeks! The worst thing was, I could set my phone to ignore certain phone numbers, so they would call on different phone numbers and get through anyway.

John Kelly: That is kind of freaky. Makes you wonder if they knew something you didn't. (Memo to self: Write scary short story about a funeral home director who trades on inside information he gets from the Grim Reaper.)

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Arlington, Va.: I like your various takes on the DC of years back. I know that I miss Arbaugh's, a rib place on Connecticut Avenue, and Hammel's where the FBI Building is now. I also wonder what happened to those previously ubiquitous High's Milk stores and my first bank, Suburban Trust.

John Kelly: Thank you. My Lovely Wife and I drove up Route 1 north of Balmer last weekend and into Delaware and we passed several High's. I dont' know if they're run by the same folks as down here but they evoked nice memories. I remember they had really good ice cream. Suburban was my first bank, too. I worked at a photo lab during college and every week would stop at the Suburban on Route 29 to cash my paltry check.

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Arlington, Va.: When my son was a toddler, he LOVED going to cemeteries and looking at the tombstones. Seriously, I think the experience helped him learn to read (he got so he easily recognized his name - John - pretty common on tombstones), plus, simple subtraction. But we did encounter strange looks (racing around a cemetary with a 20 year old looking at names is unusual).

John Kelly: Another good place for toddlers: the Kennedy Center. Not the theaters there, but the lobby. They can toddle all over that carpeted space and not do too much damage. Plus you can pretend you're introducing them to culture.

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Smart-aleck directions: OK, I missed the chat last week so this is old news. But, with all the -real- complaints that can be made about our fair city, do we really need to add "smart-alecks to tourists who just needed a little help with directions" to the list? Maybe the rare person could pull off your suggestion without making the lost tourist feel 2" tall, but for the rest of us, I suggest not even trying.

John Kelly: Isn't it better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all? A reader made the same point in last week's chat. I maintain that humor brings people together. I'm not alone. I got a letter from reader Jack Ballard, a retired Capitol police officer. He said that when he worked on the Hill lawyers would "make their way off the Metroliner, walking up to the Supreme Court to be admitted to practice before them. The question to me was: ?How do we get to the Supreme Court?' and my response was: ?Appeal, Appeal, Appeal and get a Writ of Certiorari!'" Bada-boom!

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Cleveland Park, Washington, D.C.: My first bank (Interstate) is now the restaurant, Yanyus.

John Kelly: My favorite nightclub, the Psychedelly in Bethesda, is now a restaurant. I've never had the heart to go in there. And so the city evolves...

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Levey: Have you done your Levey update yet? Any clues as to what Robare is doing?

John Kelly: Bob, I thought they weren't allowing you Internet access where you were. Just kidding! Next week might be a good time to check in with Bob.

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12th Floor Metro Center: John, have you noticed the gum trees over on 9th Street across from The Ford's Theater. There are two or three trees over there with thousands of wads of gum stuck on the trunks and tons of pennies to boot. What's the story behind all this? (And no, I didn't touch it ... ICK.)

John Kelly: I'll have to don some latex gloves and check that out. I wonder if it's from school kids who have just emerged, bored, from Ford's Theatre, or who were ordered to get rid of their gum before going in. There's a similar thing outside the Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore. When you've paid your admission you get a little adhesive sticker. When people come out they put them on trees and signposts near the museum. The stuff is covered with those stickers. It's become its own little art installation.

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Takoma Park, Md.: Hear you like to dress up for Halloween. Tell us about the Beanie Baby costume.

John Kelly: Takoma Park? Is that accused spy Susan Lindauer? Yes, I like wearing costumes. My Lovely Wife made a great one that turned me into a massive Beanie Baby, complete with heart-shaped ear tag. (I was Narkie, the Narcoleptic Koala Bear.) The secret was the belly. My Lovely Wife filled it with packing peanuts so it had that granular Beanie Baby feel. The scary thing is, I wore it to work. I was editor of KidsPost then, so it was okay. My deputy editor dressed up too. Anybody out there wear a costume to work, either on Halloween or off?

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Centreville, Va.: Speaking of getting out in the sunshine ... the Redskins are holding their mini-camp this weekend as Coach Gibbs evaluates his players to determine who will stay and be part of the magic that is re-kindled from the glory days of the 1980s.

However, the magic will not be the same as the longtime voice of the Redskins, Frank Herzog, was unceremoniously dismissed from the broadcast booth by the Redskins Radio Network flagship station, WJFK. This is clearly a mistake by a bad station that has no regard for an area broadcasting icon yet caters to "shock jocks".

How do you feel about what happened and what steps can we, as Redskins fans, do to pressure WJFK in bringing Herzog back to the booth?

John Kelly: It's funny how two voices that have become such a part of our routines will both be silent: Frank Herzog and Bob Edwards. And in both cases, I can't see why the decision was made. It's not like there was anything WRONG. I feel a little insulted because it's like WJFK and NPR is telling me that there's something wrong with ME for liking things that they've decided I shouldn't like. I don't have any specific advice about bringing Frank back, beyond the obvious "write in and complain." And even then the powers that be will probably just ignore you. What would be neat though, is if when the season starts people just don't listen. I would think they'd have to respond to ratings that were in the tank.

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Washington, D.C.: I think you could get a column out of all the broken public clocks there are in DC. (hint: look around Adams Morgan, downtown.) It's an obscure thing to be annoyed by ... but I am.

John Kelly: Great idea. I once did a massive cover story for the Weekend section about DC's public clocks. I found an old guy on H Street who repaired most of the big ones in town. I wonder if he's still alive. If you like clocks, let me put in a plug for the watch and clock museum in Columbia, Pa.

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Washington, D.C.: I really miss the 21st Amendment. What a great name for a bar. Even if it was a sleazy college dive ... Hey, I was a college student!

John Kelly: Not, I hope, a sleazy college student. Nostalgia is a funny thing. I enjoy writing about old DC, and get a lot of reaction from readers whenever I do. One thing I try to keep in mind is that, for some people, today will some day be the good old days.

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Oxon Hill, Md.: I used to wear a costume on Halloween when I taught high school ... always had perfect attendance on those days ... usually dressed like George Washington (even though I am a woman) ... lots of fun for the kids.

washingtonpost.com: George Washington

John Kelly: Cool. See, more people should do that.

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Gum Tree Nation: At Borders in Germantown, on the trashcan outside the front door, they do the same thing with the little zip strips from the tops of CDs. You can see what everybody's been buying, but don't get too close in the summer cuz there's bees.

John Kelly: Any other examples of spontaneous, impromptu art?

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re: Narkie: "Narkie, the Narcoleptic Koala Bear."

Koalas aren't bears (excuse the Aussie pet peeve).

John Kelly: No wonder I didn't win the Washington Post Costume Contest that day.

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washingtonpost.com: Koala Bear

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You call that ice cream?: High's? Yeah, it was okay. But the real deal was Gifford's. When I was in college, I worked at the one in Bethesda. I made whipped cream by hand with a big stainless-steel whisk. Uphill, both directions. (No, wait, that was walking to class from Lot 4 at the University of Maryland.)

John Kelly: And let's not forget Swenson's.

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Washington, D.C.: I just LOVED the donkeys and elephants -- they had me walking all over the city just so I could see as many as possible. Can't wait for the pandas.

John Kelly: There's one satisfied customer.

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Washington, D.C.: If they paint the statues how will people know they are pandas?

John Kelly: Oh, they'll know. I just hope nobody calls them panda "bears." That might cause trouble.

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Arlington, Va.: Dear John,

I hope you will follow in Bob Levey's footsteps concerning food and drink on the Metro. This morning, as I got on at Rosslyn, a METRO COP told a member of a tour group (a hoard of teenagers) that she could not drink from her big soda that she purchased at McDonald's, but just hold it while she is on the train. From what I understand, one of the reasons in not allowing drinking was to prevent slip and fall type accidents. Also, the last thing I want on my way to work is to be drenched with 40 ounces of Coca-Cola (or hot coffee). When did Metro change their policy of "hold, but don't drink"?

John Kelly: I've noticed that myself, that is, more people drinking no Metro. I wonder whether part of it springs from the fact that more of us seem so well-hydrated these days. All those messages to drink 7 pints of liquid a day?or whatever it is?seem to have sunk in. Every other person I see on the street has a water bottle hanging from his or her hip. (Then there's the coffee, the result of the Starbucks explosion.) My favorite Metro cop/drinking story is this one: I was on the Red Line a few years back and a young couple were both slurping from juice bottles. A Metro cop got on and told them that wasn't allowed and could they please wait till they got outside the system to drink. The woman was very rude and said, "I have a problem with my blood sugar." The cop didn't miss a beat. He pointed to her companion and said, "What about him?" The scofflaw sheepishly screwed the top back on.

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Adams Morgan, Washington, D.C.: I can't set the clock on my VCR. I've read the instructions, but they're in Japanese! It's like they don't want me to know the secret of setting the clock. Do you think that would make a good story? You can use it if you want.

John Kelly: You should have TiVo dude.

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There goes my diet: First stop after the chat will be the freezer for ice cream. Thanks "friends!;"

John Kelly: When I was working on the column on Stephanson's bakery I had a box of Samoas at my side. And then they were in my side.

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Maryland reminiscences: My friends and I all grew up in MoCo, and we spend hours remembering the places we used to go, etc. and bemoaning how much everything has changed ... and we're only in our early 30s.

But think -- my first two jobs were at Roy Rogers and Peoples Drug Store ... gone. Aah, I feel nostalgic now.

John Kelly: I hope you're not the reason those places went belly up. You didn't also work at Woodies, Garfinckels, Raleighs and Hechinger, did you?

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shoe tree: near one of the frat houses at GWU there is a shoe tree -- every branch practically has a shoe/pair of shoes hanging by its laces.

This has been there since mid-1980s, so it's not from "Wag the Dog"

John Kelly: That's a good one. Thanks.

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Rockville, Md.: For ice cream memories -- how about Wiley's for in Langley Park. Much more of the local flavor.

John Kelly: That freezer person is now passed out at the computer, a sticky spoon in the right hand.

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Wish I were outside: I have dressed up in costume to go to work. Dressed up as a rat, complete with pointy nose, ears, and a tail. Subtext: Company was in midst of hostile takeover so I was the rat leaving drowning ship, so to speak.

Bob sighting: I got a letter from Bob, asking me to attend something involved with the Send-a-Kid-to-Camp program. So he's still quite involved with that.

And, since --you-- brought up the Beanie Baby story, do you have any suggestions for a charitable way to rid myself of beanies? I suppose I could find a dealer (do they still exist) to give me $50 for the bunch, but I'd rather find a charitable way to donate them. Any ideas? (Bob would've known what to do)

John Kelly: I love costumes with subtext. As for Beanie Babies: I have no idea. That looks like a job for my crack assistant, Alex. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if the bottom has fallen out of the global Beanie Baby market.

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Washington, D.C.: An answer to the restaurant with a cherry blossom question --
Most of the land by the cherry trees is owned by the federal government; not sure there's any restaurant with that kind of view. What about a picnic by the tidal basin instead? For maximum local flavor, get a half smoke, bag of potato chips, and can of soda from one of the vendors around the mall. There are free and lovely city views at the Old Post Office tower and Arlington Cemetery.

John Kelly: The Old Post OFfice Tower has one of my favorite views, superior, in some ways, to the Washington Monument.

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Not Adams Morgan: Maybe a column about airline food, or how men and women are different.

John Kelly: I'm sensing a bit of passive-aggressiveness here. Were they all out of pudding at the cafeteria today?

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Rockville, Md.: I have the latex gloves right here on my desk, but darn I'm not in my K Street office today or I'd join you for the sticky adventure. I am goin to put the gloves in my backpack so I can help the injured tourists (and locals).

I got the idea as I went to help an elderly gent who had taken a literal nosedive in the middle of K Street earlier this week while I was on my way home/to the Metro. I helped him and his wife to the curb and made sure the found a cab so she could take him to the ER at GW Hospital. He had a nasty gash to the head.

John Kelly: Yikes. In these post-9/11 days I wonder how many people have gloves or masks on their persons. The Post issued little emergency kits to all its employees that include those things, plus a whistle. They didn't train us on how to use the whistle, though.

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Rockville, Md.: Roy Rogers is on the comeback trail as some of you may know (not he Hardees version). A bunch in Frederick Hagerstown area. One in Gemantown and one on the way in Gaithersburg.

John Kelly: A Roy Rogers hung on for a long time in White Oak before it succumbed to McDonaldsization. Nostalgia is a powerful motivator.

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Washington, D.C.: John -

I was a regular Psychedelly denizen myself. Did you ever catch Root Boy Slim there?

John Kelly: Yeah. And the Insect Surfers, Tru Fax & the Insaniacs, the Slickee Boys....Good times, good times.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: I LOVED the donkeys and elepants. I took a look at many of them, and it gave me an excuse to go into the city. While I was there, I discovered areas I hadn't been before, as well as finding interesting places to eat lunch and dinner. I go into the city more now because I became more familiar with the city then. I'm looking forward to the pandas as a reason to do another extensive tour of the city.

John Kelly: The Post printed a great map for the Party Animals, sort of a spotters guide to finding them. I hope we'll do the same for the pandas.

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Reston, Va.: A conundrum --

Today, the Pope said that Catholics should spend less time on Sunday watching/participating in sports events and more time in church (or at least that is the gist of his comments).

By virtue of winning its game last night, St. Joe's now has a game on Sunday. Can the Catholic institution play? Or do they need to forfeit?

I may need to redo my brackets -- again!!!

John Kelly: Is that true? I'll bet St. Joseph's will figure out a way around this. Jesuit scholars are probably even now looking for a loophole.

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Centreville, Va.:
I agree, this area has changed quite a bit since I moved here in 1978. I also remember a High's right across the street (Park Street at Cedar Lane, Vienna) from a 7-11 ... in the same center with the High's is another franchise now gone: Dart Drug.

And if you can't remember shopping at Woodie's, you're not a true Washingtonian.

John Kelly: You could put together a whole shopping center with the stores that didn't live to see the 21st century.

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Photoexpediti, ON: Dear John,

Any news from the stalk--uh, fan who freed you from the newspaper rack?

John Kelly: Yes. I meant to post the latest images but didn't get around to it. We'll do it next week. I'm still being taken for a ride.

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Rockville, Md.: Talk about langage problems with products -- Back in the early 70s when Datsun (Nissan) introduced the 240Z to the US, a friend of my father bought one (there was a waiting list to get them) and when he received it all the instructions, owners manual and maintenance manual were in Japanese! OY!

washingtonpost.com: Japanese Assembly Instructions for making a Lunar Prospector Space Craft

John Kelly: I have an old Datsun, the sports car that came before the 240Z. Its manuals are great. In the section on rebuilding the engine, the Japanese mechanic is wearing white gloves.

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Washington, D.C.: Emergency kits: my federal agency told us that we would be issued masks and flashlights. So the Pentagon and Congress got these gas masks/biochem hoods, we got ... a paper mask from Home Depot!

And instead of flashlights, we got ... little white glow sticks! In the event of an actual emergency, I guess we can all pretend we are at a Blue Oyster Cult concert of something.

John Kelly: Or you can look like you're going trick or treating.

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Old Town Alexandria, Va.: Any idea why a few blocks in Old Town last night were without power? It was sort of fascinating to wander streets with no lights. Even MORE interesting to watch TWO cars drive AROUND a road block to try to go down a street that had: one flatbed truck, five utility trucks, and one crane. Said crane was blocking road. Said car drivers proceeded to yell at workers. I just do not get people ...

John Kelly: I'll ask the Metro section. One of the things I learned when working on post-Isabel stories was that the power goes out all the time in various places. I called Pepco or Vepco towards the end of the outages and was told that 300 customers were without power. I said, "So 300 people have yet to have their power restored after Isabel?" And they said, "No, all the Isabel stuff's fixed. These are 300 new people for some unrelated problem.'

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Catholic Crisis Averted: St. Joe's plays at 7 pm Saturday. Plenty of time to celebrate (or drown your sorrows) and make it to Mass the next day.

John Kelly: Phew. I thought were were all going to purgatory.

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Northern Virginia: Would have thought all Post employees were whistle blowers.

John Kelly: Bada-boom!

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Washington, D.C.: Re: fun funerals. How about a fun post wake bash? My closest friend was, horrifically a victim of a random act of violence over 10 years ago. He was a very funny guy, and coming from California, very big on old celebrity sightings. Myself and number of friends flew to LA for the funeral and decided on a party after the wake for his West Coast friends to meet his East Coast friends. We made a flyer on bright green paper calling it The "John Doe" (not real name obviously), Celebrity Wake. With his name in a Hollywood Walk of Fame Star and the names of deceased celebrities (Totie Fields, Marty Feldman, Charlie Weaver, etc.) Well, the wake was very very upsetting and we didn't think it was appropriate then after to hand out the flyers when someone came up and saw them. "Oh my God, this is perfect!" They then started handing out the flyers to all, with everyone starting to laugh. The celebrity wake ended up being a grand party and a great release to many people.

John Kelly: That sounds like fun.

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Judiciary Square, Washington, D.C.: Count me as another strong vote for the painted pandas. Once the donkeys and elephants left, the city seemed less full. Its a fun summer diversion -- there should be room for that, even in a city that takes itself as seriously as Washington.

John Kelly: There you go. The pandaphiles seem to outweigh the pandaphobes in our informal, unscientific poll.

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Rockville, Md.: Yes -- They gave us emergency kits (nice red fanny packs with corporate logo). The emergency food contained within, in addition to the whistle, flashlight and mask, feels like an ancient granola brick!

John Kelly: You might want to check the expiration date on that brick.

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Waldorf, Md.: Remember when there was a YMCA on K street (I think it was near 15th)? They sold chocolate chip cookies that were out of this world -- at least that's where my Mom said she got them.

John Kelly: Several readers mentioned those cookies. What a great idea: fattening chocolate chip cookies available after you exercise!

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John Kelly: And that concludes our test of the Emergency Chat System. Thanks for dropping by. If it's as gorgeous outside as I think it is, you have my permission to knock off work early. See you in the paper on Monday and on your computer next week.

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