Talk About Beating the Pants Off You!
By Tony Kornheiser
Wednesday, May 5, 2004; Page D01
Our first question today comes from Mr. E. Zegna, who writes, "I saw that photo in the paper of the Redskins' No. 1 draft choice, Sean Taylor, with his shorts falling off his behind. And I read where he said, 'I wear my clothes like that.' Really? Who designs his clothing, anyway?"
At the moment it appears Sean Taylor has a clothing deal with a tent company. Some guys like their shorts loose. Mr. Taylor apparently likes his shorts off. It saves so much wear and tear on the fabric when your stuff just falls to the ground and you pick it up later -- like a penalty flag. During minicamp, Mr. Taylor once jumped to deflect a pass with one hand while grabbing onto his shorts to keep them up with his other hand. I've heard of being ambidextrous, but that's ridiculous. What exactly did he major in at Miami, exotic dancing? (And why does the phrase "a possible Gilbert Arenas situation" keep swirling in my head?) It's fine to say you prefer your clothing loose and baggy, but eventually Mr. Taylor will need a regulation NFL uniform. Exactly whose is he supposed to use, Jon Jansen's? Or are the Redskins going to convince Gilbert Brown to come out of retirement so Sean Taylor can have something appropriate to wear?
Our next question comes from Mr. L. Coker, who writes, "Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled the Redskins took Sean Taylor. But I thought the Redskins were going to draft his teammate, Kellen Winslow Jr.?"
Apparently, so did Mr. Winslow. When he wasn't drafted by the Redskins, Mr. Winslow called Joe Gibbs a liar, and vowed that the Redskins "will pay" for not drafting him. Well, if that accurately reflects Mr. Winslow's level of maturity, the Redskins should pat themselves on the back for avoiding this spoiled brat. Imagine if you're the Cleveland Browns, and after you draft this dope he spends most of his news conference talking about the Washington Redskins? Earth to Kellen, we're trying to sell tickets to folks in Shaker Heights, not Marlow Heights.
What is it with tight ends from Miami? First, there's world-class jerk Jeremy Shockey. Next, there's his apprentice, Kellen Winslow II. If there's one sure way to get into a fight in Washington, it's by calling Joe Gibbs a liar. (Though another sure way is by getting into a mulch dispute with Wanda "Float Like A Butterfly, Sting Like A Bee" Baucus, wife of the Montana senator.) After Winslow got drafted by Cleveland, his agent, one of those infamous Poston Brothers, announced that Winslow should be paid like LeBron James! Well, even if Winslow gets paid more like Etta James, Poston will probably initial every page of the contract -- and then sue the team anyway, like he has with LaVar Arrington.
Our next question comes from the Secretary of Health and Human Services, who writes, "I read on ESPN.com that the Cubs' Moises Alou urinates on his own hand to toughen it up so he doesn't have to wear a batting glove. What do you think of that?"
Well, gee whiz (in a manner of speaking), I think that's why you see very few of Moises's teammates giving him a high-five after he hits a home run. I also think that given this option most major leaguers have already made the choice to wear a batting glove. And I'm hoping after Moises retires he doesn't go into the restaurant trade. Because the last words you'd want to hear were, "Good evening. I'm Moises, and I'll be your server tonight."
In the late 1960s, when he was a kid pitcher on the New York Mets and prone to blisters on his pitching hand, Nolan Ryan used to soak his fingers in a jar of pickle brine to toughen his skin. At least the Mets said it was pickle brine.
Our next question comes from Mr. P. Nowak, who writes, "Freddy Adu finally started a game. And he didn't score, and United still didn't win. Don't you think D.C. United and MLS were better off when Freddy was a sub?"
No. You don't make a person the highest paid player in the league and then park him on a bench like Red Auerbach at Fanueil Hall. MLS not only lost all momentum it had after signing Freddy Adu and praising him to high heaven, but by teasing ticket buyers about Adu like this they sound like The League That Cried Wolf. They've put more pressure on the kid by not letting him play. Now he almost has to score every time he touches the ball to make up for lost time. And by the way, Freddy will be 15 next month. Soon we'll be asking if he's over the hill.
Our next question comes from Mr. J. Patsos, who writes, "I saw where the full monetary packages of Gary Williams and Ralph Friedgen were printed in the paper. (And let me be one of the first to say, "Wow!" Together they're getting over $1.1 million from radio and TV. That's what we call "Wilbon Territory.") I was intrigued to see that Coach Friedgen got a lot more compensation in the areas of 'apparel' and 'car' than Coach Williams. Can you explain why?"
In the area of "apparel," the easiest way to explain why Friedgen gets more than twice what Williams gets is that it takes almost twice the amount of apparel to cover Friedgen. In the area of "car," Friedgen's compensation is $12,000 and Williams's is $8,000. I don't know if that is an annual sum, but it would go a long way to explaining why Williams is driving a used 1997 Camry.
Our last question today comes from Mr. M. Kornheiser, who writes, "Our dog Maggie has gone insane in anticipation of the cicadas. She is digging giant holes all over the front and back yards trying to get to cicadas. The holes are so big I might find Saddam Hussein in one of them. Seriously, my property looks like it has been land mined. It looks like Bushwood Country Club after Carl Spackler went after that gopher. Why is she digging so furiously?"
(Kornheiser. Hmmmm. Any relation to that loudmouth on the Post?)
To you they're disgusting cicadas. To her they're Chicken McNuggets.
© 2004 The Washington Post Company