Chatological Humor*

With a Side of Olives

Gene Weingarten (Richard Thompson - The Washington Post)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This week's poll.

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

Colleagues on Weingarten:

"As for you, Weingarten, get a life. If you exercise every day, and get off the sauce, you will learn Deep Throat's identity, when we want you to know." -- Washington Post Vice President at Large Ben Bradlee

"Interestingly, he doesn't joke about poop in person (at least he never has with me)." -- Former Washington Post columnist Bob Levey

"W. attracts all of us loyal, devoted, strong yet vulnerable, affectionate women who lavish him with attention way beyond what he deserves." -- "I'm With Stupid" co-author Gina Barreca

"The truth is, Weingarten DOESN'T know who Lesley Stahl is. He's that out of it."
"Weingarten's hair is a national disgrace. Seriously his hair is a war crime." -- Washington Post staff writer Joel Achenbach

"The whole world is the butt of Gene's jokes...consider it a form of flattery." -- What's Cooking host Kim O'Donnel

"I do not even acknowledge the fellow columnist to whom you refer: He who shan't be named. I believe I once said he is filth, he is scum. He is... simply the worst thing in the world." -- Washington Post Reliable Source columnist Richard Leiby

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

So I walked over to the World Bank yesterday. Cops aswarm, guards a-stoppin' people left and right. High alert, high alert, buckaroo.

I walked into the building, went up to the front desk, identified myself, and asked a question about security. The World Bank Director of Security himself was summoned. I felt important. He was really well groomed and kind of shiny, like a U.S. Senator. "How did you get in?" he asked. "I, uh, walked in the door over there," I said.

He escorted me out, and as I was leaving I saw him chewing out an underling.

Apparently, we haven't quite got our stuff together yet. I hope you all saw the stories today that these alerts were based on pre-9/11 information. I believe it is currently a federal offense to make fun of our government, so I won't. I am staunchly behind our Secretary of Homeland Security and his aides, Cocky Locky, Goosy Poosey, and Henny Penny.

I am frequently criticized for my obnoxious assertion that humor is objective, not subjective, and that it can be graded on a scale, and that the only qualified judge of this is my personal self. I understand and sympathize with the critics, wrong though they may be.

In this week's poll, we take my stance one step further. I contend there are other supposedly subjective subjects that are, in fact, completely objective. Today we explore taste in food.

Yes, there are right answers and wrong answers, which I will reveal halfway through the chat. My explanations will be elaborate, a point system will be presented, and you will be able to grade yourself as to the sophistication of your palate. Decisions of the judge are final.

The Comic POW is clearly Monday's Boondocks. I am sort of stunned that it got in so fast - it must have been a rush job, fueled by passion, which is proof that Mr. McGruder has returned to the fraternity of the give-a-craps, which is good news. First runner up is the Dilbert linked to below.

Let's go.

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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week:
Boondocks, (Aug. 2)

Runner-Up:
Dilbert, (July 28)

Don't forget to vote in this week's poll!

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Anonymous: Washington, D.C.: Gene, I have been reading the columns you've done with Gina since the first one. I have never disagreed with Gina until now. You are totally correct and Gina is all wet. Gina is being disingenuous when she looks at the hoochie-mamas and credits them with dressing the way they do because they are making a statement based on an analysis of womens' rights and free expression. These chickies walking around in a few inches of spandex are not deep thinkers. They are dimwits or youngsters or both, who are simply mimicking the clothing styles they see on their favorite TV shows. They've given their outfit thought alright, and the thought is, "I hope some low-class guy on the street makes catcalls and validates me." Gina says they decline to be objectified. She can't be serious. They beg to be objectified. Go inside any Metro station and look at the clothing of all of the women. All of the ones dressed in short miniskirts and belly-baring skintight tops with little straps are airheads with no frame of reference other than TV. The ones dressed with a degree of good taste and modesty are the ones with some self-awareness and pride. (I'm a 37-year-old woman, by the way, thin and reasonably pretty, married after having many boyfriends, which I mention because someone will probably accuse me of being unattractive and jealous of the bimbos who "advertise," as Mr. Barletta correctly calls it.)

washingtonpost.com: Peek Experiences, (Post Magazine, Aug. 1)

Since Gina isn't here to defend herself and I myself am a woman -- one who good naturedly lets herself be objectified right here on a weekly basis -- I'd like to respond.

I think you're wrong. You assert that there are two types of women: 1. smart, strong women who know better than allowing themselves the freedom to wear a miniskirt from time to time and, 2. "airheads" who walk around half naked in -- gasp -- strappy tank tops. If those are the choices, I'd rather be an "airhead." More clothes do not equal more brains. Following that logic, I'm gonna assume you're OK with burqas.

This isn't to say I agree with Gene or Gina, either. This is not an either/or situation. There are many varieties of women and many motivations for wardrobe choices. Yes, there are "hoochie mamas," but there are also smart, self-aware women with "good taste" who dig shopping at H&M and enjoy wearing a tank top or low-rise jeans or a mini-skirt from time to time.

Kudos for being "thin and pretty" and being "married after having many boyfriends." These are indeed worthy accomplishments and no doubt a direct result of your modesty and pride, and have nothing to do with any physical appeal.

Gene Weingarten: Ooh, ooh, a chatfight!

I agree with Chatwoman.

But check out the next post.

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Springfield, Va.: I am a young male who usually respects Gina's thoughts but I think she really dropped the ball in your last column. I'm hoping she's around today to respond to this.

I was concerned with her ascertain that a gentleman should "look away" in such situations whereas I'm quite sure that if I showed my underwear to women in public it would be called "harassment." I know that comparing women to men is sometimes an apples-to-oranges kind of thing, but in this case I think the parallels DO match up. If a young woman at my place of work constantly shows off her undergarments how is that any different than if I were to do it? She seems to be reinforcing the old stereotype that you can't sexually harass men because "they enjoy it." While I agree that this is relatively minor stuff, surely it's on par with telling dirty jokes, which we know can get people in trouble.

I understand the larger demons she was trying to slay, and agree with most of what she said, but I think she stumbled over this point. Even if it's less likely, men can be sexually harassed... something I think she missed.

Good column otherwise!

Gene Weingarten: A very interesting point. What if a guy came to work with a pair of pants that said, on the crotch, "Home of the Whopper." I think he'd be talked to, and, yeah, I think that probably is harassment.

Now, I just asked pthep this question, and she said that neither is harassment, but both (assuming the woman's outfit is really extreme) are inappropriate work attire, and thus censurable.

So I'm not sure. But i think you may have a point.

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4 Gina, Re: BtheB: Gentlemen do exist. Why else would there be so many gentlemen's clubs?

Gene Weingarten: GOOD POINT!!!

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Lansing, Mich.: Garry Trudeau is a master! A living legend! One helluva nice guy! I respectfully submit Sunday's "Doonesbury" for your consideration as comics pick of the week.

washingtonpost.com: Doonesbury, (Aug. 1)

Gene Weingarten: This was, indeed, excellent. He has really been terrific with BD's injury. Just the right tone.

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Usufru, CT: Thought you might enjoy this bit of punny intellectual property protection:

Go to Mapquest, and search for "Heritage Hill Drive" in Alexandria, VA. On the resulting map, look a little bit to the northwest of the red star, and you'll see a street called "Usufruct Ave".

Usufruct Ave, however, doesn't seem to actually exist; no other map shows it, and I just drove around that area today to confirm that there is no such road off of Jacobsen Place (the road to which the Mapquest map indicates it connects).

As far as I can tell, Usufruct Ave is a "copyright trap," which some cartographers reportedly include in their maps to make sure that they can identify illegal copies. The biggest confirmation that I have of this is the name of the street itself -- a usufruct (from the Latin for "fruits of labor") is the legal term for the right of one person to profit from someone else's property.

Gene Weingarten: This is fabulous. I am so glad you wrote in, and delighted to pass it on.

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Herndon, Va.: Gene,

In response to your call for the "in suspense of disbelief" film, the best has to be "Superman." I mean, there's no WAY the man of steel would fall for Margot Kidder.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, several people have observed this. See next post.

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odds and e, NDs: Spill over from last week:
Movie plots beyond credibility:
"Independence Day:" Heroes thwart Alien takeover by plugging Apple laptop into alien spaceship, while First Lady and exotic dancer buddy-up in rubble below

Any movie in which a female wants to have sex with Woody Allen

Comics: Am I the only one who has trouble differentiating between characters in "Foxtrot?"

In regards to Below the Beltway, where exactly would Gina draw the line? What if a woman looks in the mirror and think she looks really good in her birthday suit? Would it be her right to walk around nude and expect men to be "gentlemen?" I think both genders bear responsibility, and we are raising our daughters with that ethic.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, it is virtually impossible to distinguish between the mom and her daughter. It is a badly drawn strip, though a good one. At least with Betty and Veronica, who had idtental faces and (hubba hubba) bods, their hair was different.

I like your plot contrivances. Speaking of plot contrivances, last weekend I saw Secret Window, the Johnny Depp / John Turturro movie. I guess I can't be specific here because it is newly out in DVD, and therefore in play, but, man. They ask you to swallow something totally ridiculous. If anyone wishes to comment on this in a way that does not give up something important (I'm not sure how it could be done) I'm happy to entertain it. But the plot contrivance here, the thing that makes it all work, is preposterous.

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Arlington, Va.: Notwithstanding your clever electronic touch that kept many chatsters offline last week, Gene, I'd like to return to a topic briefly (ha-ha!) touched on last Tuesday: "underpants" vs. "panties." The assertion was that the latter term was invented by men. Any evidence of this? I don't know any women who use the term "underpants" to describe the garment they're (presumably) wearing.

Gene Weingarten: I don't know a single woman who uses the word "panties." Admittedly, I don't know all that many women with whom the subject as come up, but....

Wait. I think Gina says panties. Pretty sure. She is out of town, so is not reading this.

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Arlington, Va.: Gene,
I FINALLY bought and just finished reading your book, "I'm With Stupid," (I didn't need to say it, but I liked it and it deserves every plug it can get) and it made me think. If both male and female humor makes fun of males, then isn't male humor inherently superior? It takes no effort at all to laugh at someone ELSE when they slip on a banana peel, but to laugh at YOURSELF when you slip on a banana peel is a more evolved humor. After all, "He who can laugh at himself will never cease being amused."

But since no one here will argue that men are more evolved than women, wouldn't it make sense that WOMEN would identify with the more evolved humor? If so, wouldn't female humor make fun of women? And wouldn't men identify with making fun of women, as men are less evolved, as is the humor involved? Or is my whole world upside down and making fun of others is more cerebral than making fun of yourself? Is it a paradox? How funny would it be if it were?

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Yes, it is true that both men's and women's humor is making fun of men. But women's humor tends to also be making fun of their own predicament: having less power, dealing with objectification, etc. So it is also at their own expense.

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Warrenton, Va.: Is the fate of your car still up in the air? As a fellow 323 owner, I'd like to plead for its repair. On a financial level, Click and Clack (aka Tom and Ray Magliozzi, hosts of NPR's "Car Talk") once studied the issue of when it is better to buy a new car than to repair an old one, and their expert conclusion was that it's always cheaper to repair the old.

The fact that the repair will cost more than the car is worth is not really relevant as you weren't planning to sell it anyway. And if you were going to spend $1,500 to buy a car, surely you couldn't expect to get anything better for that money than your very own 323 all fixed up with a new transmission (or whatever it needs -- I can't remember if you said what the problem is).

A few years ago, my 323's radiator was leaking and my husband said this meant I needed a new car. After going to a dozen dealerships to look at overpriced, underpersonalitied new cars I finally convinced him that I seriously didn't want a new car, just a new radiator. This disposable society has gone too far when thousands of great cars end up in junk yards just because we let marketers convince us that they are not worth fixing. So please, take a stand for decency. Get used parts from someone else's discard and fix your car.

My late nomination for last week's ISOD list is "Pushing Tin." An air traffic controller shows off how macho he is by having two airliners fly right at each other and then turn away at the last possible moment. Not only are we expected to believe in a controller gambling a couple hundred lives on not getting radio interference at the wrong moment, but also in two pilots going along with this aerial chicken game. Then later in the movie, he's showing off by asking for more planes to handle. The number of planes in his piece of sky at any moment depends on the number going to that airport. The only way to get more is to have had them come from some other airport, probably hours before. They're not just beamed in when someone wants them. I don't know what else was in that movie as that's all I managed to watch.

Gene Weingarten: I am still wrestling with my conscience. See, the problem is actually the piggishness of having one more car in the city than I really need. However, the car is still mine. It has been a month.

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Red Sox Nation: I had a good email exchange with a friend of mine, a huge Yankees supporter, last week. I wrote him to say that rooting for the Yankees is akin to being a Republican. He wasn't pleased, but couldn't really refute it. Given your Democratic allegiance, and Yankees fandom, give it a try.

In short, supporting the Yankees is like supporting the GOP because you're rooting for wealth to be concentrated among one elite group -- all the best players, all the financial wealth that comes with playing in the #1 media market and making dough off of the YES network (owned by Steinbrenner). The Yankees don't have to work for years to accumulate and grow young talent, because they can just send a couple of potential major-leaguers for an established guy who gets them over the top (much as Republicans, owning Congress, can simply push through most legislation they want to see passed without giving much up in terms of effort or lobbying). And, of course, the Yankees are arrogant and don't feel they need to answer to anyone (like the current commander-in-chief and his cronies).

C'mon Weingarten, hit me...

Gene Weingarten: First off, to clear up a lingering misconception: I am not a Democrat. I have been an independent my whole life. I don't particularly like Kerry. I ain't in his camp. I just have some serious problems with the way the current president has malfeased.

As to the Yankees, I think you are (haha) offbase. I don't think there is any Democrat-Republican comparison to be made. I think the closest comparison is that the Yankees represent democracy, and a capitalist system, which rewards acumen and savvy investment, and permits money to make more money. Others represent Communism, or Totalitarianism, which would have a government or other regulating body "fix" the "inequity" of one team being smarter and more talented than the rest so things can be "fair." I see gulags.

Thank you.

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Little Tokyo: Gene, if you're going to pose as the all-knowing food critic, it might help if you knew how to spell wasabi...

Gene Weingarten: Actually, I have seen it both ways. It is a transliteration, both are right. Plus, someone mentioned that plain tuna is sashimi, not sushi. True, but I am going for simplicity here. But feel free to interpret that answer as referring to nigiri, which is plain tuna on plain rice.

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Gambrills, Md.: Nothing funny here. Just wanted to agree with your sentiments. Manipulating the threat level for partisan purposes should be investigated. (Three more months! Three more months! Three more months!)

Gene Weingarten: Just what we need! Another investigation!

Actually, I wasn't accusing them of chicanery. Just herky jerkiness.

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Speaking of Superman, Krypton: Given Isaac Newton's law of conservation of energy, how much food would Superman have to consume to do what he does? I'm thinking at least a side of beef a night.

Gene Weingarten: Good point. And imagine his bathroom output.

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D.C.-ish: Since PtheP appears to be available, I need to repeat a question that, sadly, she was not able to answer a few weeks back.
Is it proper to use contractions thusly:
"Bill's at the store."
"The bear's trying to get out!"
or "I think Frank's a tad hung over."
I have a wager riding on this.
Grazi.

Gene Weingarten: Pthep?

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Herndon, Va.: I am most impressed by the recent advancement in clothing that my friends and I have dubbed "Devil Pants". These are jeans that somehow manage to stay on a girl's body, even though they are worn well below the hips -- an indication that the wearer must be using some sort of black magic to make themselves attractive. Despite the involvement of the lord of the underworld, I still welcome these clothing advancements, and hope we can see more gravity-defying articles of clothing in the future.

Gene Weingarten: On behalf of all men, by the way, i would like to respectfully request that women discontinue the practice of tying their sweaters around their waists, so they hang down over their hips like a skirt. We men don't like this because, um, it looks sloppy. Yeah, that's it.

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Oklahoma City, Okla.: Panties -- no! never, ever. If mentioning unmentionables, it would have to be "underwear." Unless one were to say, "don't get your panties in a knot," when obviously nothing else would do.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, clearly. The poster was all wrong. Panties is an insulting term.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Last week you asked about movies where you had to suspend logic for the plot to work. How about every James Bond movie ever made where, instead of just shooting the guy dead with a gun, the bad guys come up with some elaborate plan that, gosh darn it, just doesn't quite do the job.

Gene Weingarten: Um, James Bond movies were jokes. You didn't get it.

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Re: Panties: I'm a 27-year-old woman and I say "panties." Underpants are what 72-year-old women wear. Granny pants and underpants are synonomous to me. Underwear are what my husband wears. And I don't need to be so graphic as to tell people that I wear thongs. Thus, panties. Dainty. Frilly. Feminine.

FWIW, I have a female friend who detests the word "panties" as much as I detest the word "moist." It makes her cringe (though this is actually true, I'm really just hoping a post with the words "moist" and "panties" will get some airtime).

Poo.

Gene Weingarten: Well, Liz sent this through to me, so I guess she has no problem with it. Boy, I sure wouldn't have let it in, myself.

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Chicago, Ill.: Actually, the Yankees do not represent capitalism for one simple reason, they are protected by the MLB cartel from having more competition in their area. Most economic analysis shows that given the opportunity to freely move, the New York area should have up to 6 MLB franchises, thus siphoning off a significant amount of revenue from the Yankees. They represent corporate welfare protected by the powers that be.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, please.

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Washington, D.C.: I saw Dan Raviv doing a standup on TV -- without stuttering. How does he do it?

Gene Weingarten: The stuttering is a complete act. And I am calling him on it. It is for radio alone. I dare him to deny it.

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Baltimore, Md.: I've been wondering this for a while...do you just sit and read comics all day long? And do you read ALL the comics? Do you read comics on line or go out and buy different newspapers? Thanks for clearing this up.

Gene Weingarten: Mostly I just read the Post's comics. Recently, I read all the comics in America for about three weeks, to be able to better make recommendations to my bosses.

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Washington, D.C.: Superman has a hyperphotosynthetic capability, so he does not use food as an input of energy. Holy cow, did I just say that? Now I have to go beat myself up for being a movie nerd, over a kind of bad movie!!

Gene Weingarten: Is this true? Well, my son and i got into a long debate recently about what would happen if The Flash were a baseball player. Very interesting. Lot of permutations.

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Pat the Perfect, ME : Yes, using 's to replace "is" is perfectly fine. So is using 's to replace "has" (Frank's been trying to get out).

Um, has anyone out there ever been told differently? I wasn't aware that there was any question about this.

Gene Weingarten: Well, there we go. Yes, I was not sure.

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Philadelphia, Pa.: Female here, panties is the proper term. It's not the least bit insulting. Men wear underwear.

Gene Weingarten: Really. So do you also wear "little brassierie-poos" and "skirty-wirties"?

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Anonymous: Maybe it's cause I'm an old lady with Victorian Sensibilities, but in my day, no one would dare utter the word "panties" aloud. They were referred to as "under-garments" or if speaking to a child, "undie-buns." Shoot, even the word "slip" was prohibited. If you saw a woman whose "slip" was showing, you'd subtly alert her by saying "Hey lady, it's snowing down South"!

washingtonpost.com: Undie-Buns? BWAAAA!

Gene Weingarten: It's snowing down south sounds vaguely disgusting.

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Fredericksburg, Va.: Gene, my unctious brother keeps calling to let me know you're printing his posts. How do I make it stop?

Gene Weingarten: It'll be over in a half hour, tops.

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Laurel, Md.: From last week, just as technical problems kept me from writing in -- someone asked if Richard Gere had been in any good movies:

Unfaithful
Chicago
Dr. T and the Women
The Cotten Club
An Officer and a Gentleman

The problem with Gere is that he's usually so insipidly annoying that it's easy to forget the times he wasn't.

Gene Weingarten: An Officer and a Gentleman was a TERRIBLE movie. Chicago was excellent. I haven't seen the rest.

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Arlington, Va.: I am woman, I wear and say underwear. My husband does not like this, he says panties. I have always disliked the word and find it to be a man's word. And by the way, the whole thing about how to hang a roll of toilet paper or paper towels is also a man/woman thing. Men hang them so that the flap comes under, women hang it so that the flap go over. Women are right.

Gene Weingarten: Under is correct. There are kinetic reasons for this, though I forget what they are.

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Jor, AL: Everybody knows that Superman get his strength from Earth's yellow sun. On his home planet of Krypton, which had a red sun, no one had super powers, so this eating thing isn't a problem.

Still doesn't explain the Margot Kidder attraction.

Gene Weingarten: Wait. I thought it was because Krypton was a larger planet, with greater gravity, so his musculature was more built up.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, ready? Here is the analysis of the poll.

Compute the sophistication of your palate as follows: Most answers, as you will see, get no points. Others either add or deduct a point from your total. You can be proud of a final score of 2 or higher. Below zero is a cause for concern. Below two is - and I mean this with no disrespect - pathetic. Oh, and I must warn my friend Bruce Friedrich of PETA: Read no further. Just hop on to the next chat question.


For question one, the correct answer is milk chocolate. It gets a point. No points are deducted for dark chocolate. One point is deducted for white chocolate. It is very trendy and sophisticated to profess a taste for dark chocolate, and that is all fine and good except for the fact that dark chocolate tastes like medicine. Chocolate is a "sweet." The taste of milk chocolate - Nestles, not Hershey's - is something that has never been improved upon. Preferring dark chocolate is an eccentricity, but not an endearing or acceptable one: It is like preferring green olives to black olives. It is an error of culinary judgment. It is, however, nowhere near as egregious as preferring white chocolate, however. White chocolate is not actually chocolate. It is, as my podmate April explains, butter.


For question two, add a point if you chose "elbows," and deduct a point if you chose "tail." Yes, yes. The lobster tail is the driest, most tasteless part of the lobster, though a favorite among those without sophisticated palates. That is why it is so often frozen and served up at huge prices to people who don't know any better. The really good meat is elsewhere, and it is the stuff that goes into lobster bisque and lobster pasta and whatnot, where the need for taste is paramount. The claws are good, the elbows are better, and both have entertaining consistencies; they are not just clods of meat. (My wife is content to feast on the insides of the carcasses - the green tamale and the lungy-goo and whatnot. I jokingly call her a bottom feeder, but the fact is this is probably the tastiest stuff there.)

For question three, the correct answer is "floppy." It earns a point. A point is deducted for "crisp." There is no excuse for crisp bacon; it loses all its taste, like any overcooked meat. Do you also like well done beef? Deduct a second point if you do, you Philistine.



For question four, deduct a point if you answered "strawberry and/or peach." Fruits are perfect on their own; they are not ideal ice cream flavorings, imparting a flabby consistency, and adding only a hint of their own excellent flavor. The only real exception is cherry, which does adequately, but only adequately. There is no right answer to this question; my preference is coffee, but that is just a preference, not an immutable law of palate.

For question five, deduct a point if you said "California roll." This is a silly invention for dumb Americans, like "chop suey." Add a point if you said raw tuna or yellowtail. Simplicity.

For question six, deduct a point if you said "radicchio." I'm not even going to get into why, you pretentious, dishonest snot.

For question seven, deduct a point for "breast," for the same reason as the lobster tail answer, above. Yes, the breast is big, and if food were rated by a price-to-protoplasm ratio, it would come out on top. Unfortunately, it is also 1) dry and 2) bland and 3) boring and it features the least skin per volume, (and, as everyone knows, chicken skin is the tastiest part of the animal, by far.) Also deduct a point for leg. The chicken leg is also easy to eat and popular, but it has the worst quality of dark meat - a feel of slime and gristle. The correct answer is either the thigh or wing, each of which earn a point.

For question eight, deduct a point if you answered "green pepper." All the other answers are reasonable (my choice is black olive) but anyone who wants green pepper on his pizza has no discernible discrimination in food. Green pepper overwhelms pizza the way nothing else does - the whole thing becomes a green pepper. Might has well be having steamed green pepper on toast. Doesn't that sound great?

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The Flash: "Well, my son and I got into a long debate recently about what would happen if The Flash were a baseball player."

The thing that always gets me about the Flash is that since force is dependent on velocity wouldn't that make the Flash about as strong as Superman? ie a punch at 200 mph hurts way more than a regular punch but also requires the strength to be able to reach that speed...

With this post and my title as a software developer I could run for king of the nerds... too bad I have a girlfriend.

Gene Weingarten: Man, are you offbase. WHAT IF THE FLASH HAD TO LIFT A CAR OFF A KID? He is HELPLESS.

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Woman in Washington, D.C.: In your column Sunday, when Gina said that a young woman dressing for work or school who decides to wear a mini-skirt is thinking, "Gee, I look good in this. Isn't it great it still fits," there's a part of the thought process that she left out. Before the young woman even got to that point, she decided to put on the mini-skirt because the friends whose fashion-sense she admires are wearing mini-skirts, and we all know that women really dress for other women. I know I do. And really, REALLY, I'm a woman, even though I'm having my boyfriend type this for me.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Peek Experiences, (Post Magazine, Aug. 1)

Gene Weingarten: Most women I have talked to agree with this: women dress mostly for women. I made fun of Gina, but that was my role. I think she was essentially correct.

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Charleston, S.C.: To the reader who hated "Secret Window's" ridiculous plot twist and couldn't suspend his disbelief for one second, all I have to say is "Dude, me too." But the real reason to watch that movie is not to get all involved in the plot and think that it could possibly happen, but to just enjoy the spectacular job Johnny Depp does with such a boring, unbelievable character. Even though the movie is not billed as a comedy, there were many points where I laughed out loud purely because of Depp's ingenious delivery. He makes the movie worth watching.

washingtonpost.com: And he's hot.

Gene Weingarten: He was good. Turturro was equally good. They did not save what, to me, was an intrinsically flawed movie. The hot part did not occur to me.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, since you play the typical guy opposite Gina, I thought I'd ask a question about how the typical guy should deal with his friends.

My buddy has an amazing girlfriend, and even if he didn't, he would have women all over him like white on rice. I basically look like Gollum and I have the love life to match. They're good friends, but being around the two of them makes me feel really lonely and inferior. How exactly do I broach this subject with him?

Gene Weingarten: Well, um, I have to say this is an entertaining scenario, but what exactly do you intend to broach? You could throw lye in their faces, but that would be REALLY extreme.

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Fairfax, Va.: I'm submitting waaay early (Wednesday!), so this topic might already be covered in the media before your next chat, but what do you think about the name of Dairy Queen's new coffee drink? It's called the MooLatte.

Gene Weingarten: It really is stunning, isn't it? The term mulatto is not, I think, offensive. However, to see a big company take a risk like that is amazing.

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Over the top: Toilet paper: Top, so it's easier to grab and doesn't drag along the wall. Under, so gravity will help separate the outer layer from the rest. And it really doesn't matter which you like, freaks.

Superman: They've changed the story over the decades. But know that gravity alone couldn't account for that much strength (or flying or...). So CLEARLY it's all about the prevalent frequency of stellar radiation, which is so mysterious that anything is possible. Ahem. Yes, I believe it.

Gene Weingarten: Well, you know, initially he did not fly. He JUMPED over tall buildings, in a single bound.

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"dark chocolate tastes like medicine.": And I admired you before I found this out!; Oh well, it will never work out between us.

Gene Weingarten: It's all right. I don't like men, anyway.

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Zero, D.C.: I've never been so proud of scoring a zero. I must disagree, however, with your characterization of "crisp" bacon. It is not "crisp" bacon that is tasteless, it is "burnt" bacon. The problem is that there is a fine line between the two that most cooks and restaurants bust through like the tape at the 100 meter dash.

Gene Weingarten: Once it has crisped, it is overcooked.

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Hotda, MN: Let me preface this by saying that I admire and enjoy your writing, and acknowledge your expertise in the field of humor. Your taste poll has proved you know nothing about food, and believe that anyone who doesn't share your junkfood palate sensibilities is a poser. I pity you for this. You didn't even specify which kind of black olives -- I suppose yours come out of can. Ick.

Gene Weingarten: Kalamata. And no, I know what I am talking about, with food.

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North Adams, Mass.: I have it on excellent authority that you actually attended a party last spring where a guy wore a dress. Did you make any, um, obserations about his undergarments?

Gene Weingarten: I did? Is this Seth? What party? Which guy?

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More Flash: Actually, as anyone knows, the Flash would run rings around the car, create a vortex, and the car would fly away into the air, lifted by the resulting tornado.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. You may have me with this one.

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Crustacean Tru, TH: Today's poll left out the tastiest part of the lobster -- the body. While the tail, claws, and elbows are worthy and integral parts of the lobster consumption experience, anyone who does not eat -- or worse yet -- throws away the body is not a lobster fan.

Gene Weingarten: I specifically noted this, with regard to my rib.

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Bethesda, Md.: Gene - is it just me or is there something inherently funny about John Kerry's use (in his convention speech) of the phrase "America Can Do Better?" Watching the speech and seeing people in the audience waving signs with the phrase made me giggle and it was even worse when Friday's headline in the post was "Kerry: America Can Do Better." Is this The Post's endorsement of Bush?

Gene Weingarten: Very interesting. On the morning after, Pthep actually contacted me at work to say what a funny headline that was. I hadn't noticed, but when she pointed it out, I burst out laughing. Then I went around the newsroom, showing it to people. Blank faces for about three seconds, then a guffaw.

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Dress for who?: On the women dressing for women point. I'm a woman and I believe that is true.

But I think men dressing for other men is becoming more common as well. There was an article in the New York Times this weekend about new options in men's briefs. It was pretty funny in general, but I particularly enjoyed the part about one pair of underwear that lifts and accentuates... Apparently they are selling quite rapidly. Locker room competition has busted out into public, so to speak.

Gene Weingarten: Nah. Men don't even DRESS. They put clothes on.

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New York, N.Y.: I was with you until you got to the green pepper thing. I find green pepper compliments the tomato sauce on a well-made pizza. On a pizza from domino's, which is made with ketchup and woderbread, green pepper becomes revolting. Is your green pepper stance open to debate?

Gene Weingarten: No. You are wrong.

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RE: Anonymous: I think that clothing, like personality, is something unique to each individual.

One woman may dress as a hoochie mama because she seeks validation, another because she is celebrating her body.

To assume that all women who show there bodies are insecure is a reflection of anonymous' insecurity. I agree with Liz!;

Gene Weingarten: I think we have put this one to bed nicely, as it were.

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Landover, Md.: Gene,
I read this story and I knew you had to see it! Crews Use Cow Poop to Stop Manure Blaze, (AP, July 30).

A poop fire put out by more poop? There has to be a column in it for you.

What was the funniest part of the Democratic National Convention?

Gene Weingarten: I know. this was terrific.

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Bilbiotek, Va.: Last week you brought up "Die Hard 2," reference ISOD. I think that this is the worst movie ever made because of just that. I grew up at Dulles airport, where that movie supposedly all happens, and at the time that movie came out I was an air traffic controller in Alaska. All that insider knowledge let me know four minutes into the movie that I should have brought beer with me into the theater, like the couple in front of me had smuggled in.

Where to start... hmmm. Well 1. He makes a call from Dulles airport on a Pacific Bell payphone. 2. After shooting up half the airport, he is soundly chastised for breaking numerous laws of the District of Columbia. 3. After not getting the security guy to take him seriously, he takes an elevator from the passenger terminal main floor to talk it over with the airport head honcho, and it lets him out into the control tower! 4. All the pilots can't figure out what to do when they can't reach Dulles airport air traffic control, apparently because not one of them knows that they could change the frequency and talk to someone else, like National Airport or their very own operations people. No, no they should all just fly in a circle until they run out of fuel. 5. And of course, not one of those highly paid pilots would have a cell phone, but half the passengers did. And the people in the back of the plane used them to call, while they pilots sat a few feet in front incommunicado. 6. And how about the bad guys pretending to be construction workers, working in the evening? On Christmas eve? What kind of union is that? 7. And oh, one of my favorite -- the tunnel under the runway that had the escape grate that he pops up just a plane is about to land. I would like to buy stock in the company that can build a metal grate that can withstand thousands of repetitive landings and takeoffs of fully loaded passenger aircraft. 8. He escapes a sure death by explosion by using the ejector seat going straight up into the air, but not coming back down into the explosion. And 9. Oh forget it, I had a list once that had I think 22 items on it. That movie ticked me off royally.

washingtonpost.com: Wait... you grew up at Dulles Airport?

Gene Weingarten: This is pretty nerdy, but I like your enthusiasm.

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Ashland, Va.: Gene,
I was reading the results of Sunday's Invitational and they were really good. Do you have any idea why the Czar didn't do song parodies (or at least not any I remember)?

Also, did you notice that a few of the lyrics didn't really fit the tunes? The third line of "Be Our Guest" was all wrong, so was "Pinball Wizard." One or two of the Internet ones had problems, too, but I don't remember them. Also, the winner was great, I loved the original song too, but the last three lines were all wrong. To put an end to the idea that we're bad you wouldn't give the finger. Still a great week even with those problems.
What did you think?

washingtonpost.com: Style Invitational, (Post, Aug. 1)
Week 565: More Honorable Mentions, (Post, Aug. 1)

Gene Weingarten: I thought the results were excellent. I can't recall if the Czar ever did song parodies.

Actually, I don't know all of the songs, but I suspect you are wrong about the meter. The Empress is the best meter person I have ever encountered. She frequently berates me for teensy little meter problems in doggerel I write, and she is always right.

She here to defend herself?

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Heretofores and Henceforths: In last week's chat you wrote, "We begin today with praise for Liz Kelly, who will heretofore be known as Chatwoman."

Um, perhaps you meant henceforth? Otherwise we get into some complicated time travel issues.

Gene Weingarten: Good point. I am shamed.

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College Park, Md.: I'm not sure which "Live Online" discussion I should submit this suggestion to -- Dana Priest, the RAND analyst or you, so I'll try you first. I've devised a way of getting terrorism to work for us, while at the same time maximizing government resources. With the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's preoccupation with obesity among Americans, why not get the Department of Homeland Security to trump up some warnings about planned al Qaeda attacks on fast-food restaurants and people who live sedentary lifestyles? Sure, one economic sector might suffer, but think of the health care savings, not to mention the relief the United States septic system would experience. Heck, we could throw in people-who-don't-read as a target, too. Or people who think Sting stills rock or that Dave Matthews ever did.

Gene Weingarten: Good idea! Send this in to Tom Ridge. But, ah, don't mention this chat.

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how ironic, AL: These Kerry supporters can't even count. If Kerry wins the election, Bush will be president for 5 more months, not three.

I know, I know. I'm a nerdo.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Washington, D.C.: I don't know if this has been broached, but I am a woman and it doesn't matter what I wear, I generally get unwanted attention every time I step out the door. I know this to be true with my friends, as well, and we are all moderate dressers. My pants are never too tight, my shirts are never cut too low. Frankly, if I am so careless as to wear my hair down rather than up, I can expect to go on the defensive and have to roll my eyes or mutter angry curses under my breath in response to a whistle or a stare.

I would say I am average looking, by the way.

So, while I agree that moderation in dress is key to social placidity, I don't see that every man is keeping his end of the unspoken bargain.

My question: Are men monkeys?

Gene Weingarten: Men are not monkeys. Monkeys have a sense of shame. Men are iguanas.

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Washington, D.C.: Here is a link guaranteed to make Liz see red, suggesting that Restless Legs Syndrome is the creation of an evil pharmaceutical industry marketing plot:

Article title: Pharmaceuticals and Factory Farming the Suburbanites

washingtonpost.com: I don't buy this. I'm neither sedentary nor obese and I'd like to have you spend a night with the sensation that worms are crawling through your leg muscles.

Gene Weingarten: I am an expert on hypochondria, one of the few alive. And I am an expert on Liz. Liz does not have the hypochondriacal personality. Period. She's not even JEWISH.

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Panties: My newly minted fiance calls her undergarments "panties," which if fine by me. Disconcertingly, she also calls my boxer briefs "panties." Make her stop.

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. God, I love that.

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Hypochondri, AK: What could I be dying from if I have tinnitis? There was no apparent cause, I haven't been to a rock concert in almost 10 years, I just suddenly felt like there was cotton in my right ear, and there was a whining sound that got slightly lower in pitch over the span of 30 seconds before fading out.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, lots of things. I have a whole section on tinnitus in my book. I seem to remember it could signal a brain stem tumor, or MS. But, frankly, it is also one of the most common meaningless symptoms. Sorry.

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Green Pepper, Bleh.: Though I disagree with some of your key assertions (milk chocolate? Yuck. bet you like lots of cream and sugar in your coffee, too.) thanks for validating my loathing of green pepper. It's not just pizza, it's everything -- a friend calls green pepper the Borg of the vegetable world. Add a bit, and it assimilates the whole dish. It is evil and should be avoided at all costs.

Especially when paired with slimy, chewy floppy bacon. Do you like to eat loogies too?

Gene Weingarten: Green pepper is quite good raw. And it doesn't seem to destroy the dish in stuffed peppers. And it can be stir fried with success. But pizza, no.

Sorry about the bacon. I know the truth hurts. Consistency of food should never be paramount in analyzing it. No one would have ever eaten an oyster, or tried uni sushi, two of the greatest delicacies around.

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How about mayonnaise on pizza?: My wife, who is from Brazilian, says that it's common down there and it's great, especially when mixed with ketchup (poor man's 1000 Island). It looks really revolting. Of course, she doesn't understand ketchup (or catsup) on fries, or Tabasco on eggs.

Gene Weingarten: I am not a big mayo fan, except on BLTs and mixed with tuna fish. Big mistake: Mayo on french fries.

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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Last week you expressed surprise that someone could think you're a conservative. Yet, week after week, you talk about the fundamental differences between men and women, elevating them to the level of nature instead of culture. Next step would of course to give professions men are more suited for, and ones suitable for women. Also, you seem to believe that there are rights and wrongs in pretty much in every question, not much gray in between, not unlike our dear President.

Gene Weingarten: Big difference: I'm sort of kidding.

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Epicure, AN: While I have disagreed with you before, I have always respected the logic with which you construct your arguments. However, when it comes to matters epicurean, I can state, without reservation, that you, sir, are an idiot.

The logic pertaining to both lobster and chicken is absolutely asinine. While it appears that you have had bad dining experiences based upon someone's inability to properly cook a lobster tail or a chicken breast, that by no lends credence to a pronouncement that they are the bland, tasteless portions of the animal. the reason that the "knuckle" and other crap pieces are used for lobster bisque and ravioli is because they're the cheapest, least useful parts, not the tastiest. By your logic, chicken neck would be the tastiest part of the chicken, because that's what you use to make a really good, authentic chicken soup. Likewise, lobster ravioli isn't about the sweetest meat, it's about the seasonings.

(As an aside, your argument that your wife, saint that she may be, prefers the green goo as tastier, is akin to validating those slightly unbalanced individuals who find organ meat tastier than a juicy porterhouse -- it just ain't so, by any stretch of the objective imagination.)

Face it, Weingarten, you're way off the mark here.

Gene Weingarten: You write nicely. You are wrong about each and every point. I mean, EVER ONE, including the tamale.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: I think the Pinball Wizard problem stems from which words you're accenting. The third line should be: And WE just kept on COMing, MORE and more and more.

(running out of time; will try to post more.)

Gene Weingarten: There we go. I have no doubt she is right.

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Charlottesville, Va.: Gene, please don't end the chat. My boss is on vacation for two weeks and I'm handling the office myself and it's going nuts around here and I'm reading your chat to escape and PLEASE don't end the chat. One more hour, one more hour!

Gene Weingarten: Liz wouldn't approve. Sorry.

Great chat, thank you all. Next week, same time.

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