Myth Manners

• That a bride has a year in which to thank people for sending wedding presents. Or that she cannot begin to thank people until after the wedding.

• That purchasing a greeting card is more thoughtful than writing a letter.

• That formal letters should be written on small, fold-over cards known as "informals."

• That a donation to charity counts as a present if you tell people you have given it in their name.

• That it is generous to direct other people to give money to charity in your name, using funds you would otherwise expect them to spend on you.

There is not a word of truth in any of this.

Dear Miss Manners:

How does one deal with a hot flash in public? I have an attractive fan that I carry, preferring it to whatever piece of paper lies closest at hand, but is a fan obvious in an inappropriate way? Sometimes, dabbing my face discreetly with a pretty little linen handkerchief just isn't enough!

Then Miss Manners suggests confessing that you have the vapors, and holding the back of your hand to your forehead while saying, "Oh, dear, I feel one of my spells coming on."

This will give you a reputation for having a delicate sensibility, not a bad reputation to have in these vulgar times. It will also enable you to fall back on a sofa, steady yourself on the arm of the nearest gentleman or otherwise make yourself more comfortable.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

©2004, Judith Martin