In the absence of Gene Weingarten (who is busy promoting his new book, "I'm With Stupid: One Man. One Woman. 10,000 Years of Misunderstanding Between the Sexes Cleared Right Up," ahem), this week's show will be hosted by the very gracious Empress of the Style Invitational.
The Empress ascended to her throne upon deposing The Czar in a more or less bloodless coup in mid-December. Since then she has managed (as of this writing) to run The Post's Sunday humor contest -- continuing its traditional mix of erudite cleverness and pull-my-finger juvenility -- without being fired, or even noticed by The Post's ombudsman. Before the overthrow, she surfaced occasionally over the past decade as the Auxiliary Czar.
The Inker, left, and The Empress.
(Kevin Clark - The Washington Post)
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The Empress is on generally good terms with Pat the Perfect, the grammar gadfly who occasionally alights on Gene Weingarten's "Chatological Humor" on washingtonpost.com, though they sometimes differ rather heatedly on the use of the subjunctive mood.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
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The Empress: Good afternoon. Gene was kind enough to allow me to use his chat time so he could go off and shill his Gene/Gina book, "I'm With Stupid," today on the CBS "Early Show" (an appearance that I missed this morning due to a comical mixup on the VCR front). All I had to agree to do in return was to shill his book even further by announcing that both Gene and Gina will be shilling the book this Thursday evening at 7 at Olsson's in Arlington, 2111 Wilson Blvd. (Actually, Gene neglected to tell me WHICH Olsson's it was; I had to look it up. Hahahaha, wouldn't it have been great if I'd sent everyone to Dupont Circle?)
With that out of the way, let's talk about The Style Invitational and other Empressionistic matters. I should tell you right off that I'm not especially passionate one way or another about the comics pages, though this past Sunday's "Opus" made me spit out my coffee on two separate viewings of the last frame. Oh right, we can't link to it.
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The Empress:
Good afternoon. Gene was kind enough to allow me to use his chat time so he could go off and shill his Gene/Gina book, "I'm With Stupid," today on the CBS "Early Show" (an appearance that I missed this morning due to a comical mixup on the VCR front). All I had to agree to do in return was to shill his book even further by announcing that both Gene and Gina will be shilling the book this Thursday evening at 7 at Olsson's in Arlington, 2111 Wilson Blvd. (Actually, Gene neglected to tell me WHICH Olsson's it was; I had to look it up. Hahahaha, wouldn't it have been great if I'd sent everyone to Dupont Circle?) With that out of the way, let's talk about The Style Invitational and other Empressionistic matters. I should tell you right off that I'm not especially passionate one way or another about the comics pages, though this past Sunday's "Opus" made me spit out my coffee on two separate viewings of the last frame. Oh right, we can't link to it.
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Mount Rainier, Md.:
Why Empress? Why not Czarina?
The Empress: The Czarina is the wife of The Czar. I am not. This issue will be addressed later.
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Springfield, Va.:
I have to confess that I read all of the comics in The Post, including the awful serials like "Rex Morgan, MD." Monday's "Mary Worth" provided a rare humor payoff that I'd like to nominate for Comic of the Week.
The Empress: Uh, see, see why this is not my department? I don't even get this. I mean, if the woman's name were Carol and she's just telling Woody that the sun's coming up ?. Or is it that Dawn has her left arm on backward? Someone explain the humor in this comic strip, please.
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(Mark Young, Washington):
Something funny happened to me a couple weeks ago, and I thought I'd share.
I was out shopping at the local soul-crushing drugstore conglomerate. I used my discount card for the purchase, and was rewarded with one of those coupons-with-your-receipt.
The coupon read, and I quote:
"Buy 1 Get 1 Free H ($2.99 Value)".
I asked the cashier what that was supposed to mean. He gestured; in the future he should just say, "Shrug."
So, I throw the question open to the Internet community. On what can I spend this coupon?
The Empress: Good question. Whoever sends the best answer wins a set of the two new colorful and amusing and Lusted-After Style Invitational Magnets, as well as cyber-ink if you include your name so we can announce it.
(Mark Young, Washington), by the way, is a regular Invitational Loser who depressed us recently with his e-mail subject line for the contest about the year 2032: "When I'm 54."
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New York, N.Y.:
I didn't see the Early Show either. Was Gene funny?
I didn't see the Early Show either. Was Gene funny?
Can we post everything twice, Empress?
Can we post everything twice, Empress?
washingtonpost.com:
The double-posted intro is MY fault. I'm sure by now you're used to my hapless foul-ups and will find this plausible. Many apologies. -- Liz
The Empress: Liz, of course, is simply too kind. I originally submitted my opening comments in the wrong place. So nice AND no pants. AND she's going to lend me her tape of the Gene & Gina appearance!
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Toled, OH!;:
Now that the coup is complete, what can I do for the Empress to cause her to send me my bumper sticker for an honorable mention entry from January 2003? I am more than willing to suck up. I am also a trained massage therapist, FWIW.
The Empress: Sigh. Whoever's listening: If you have not gotten your prize from some weeks (or years) ago, please e-mail Losers@washpost.com . Laura The Really Efficient Style Invitational Flunky will see that you get a shirt, if you're owed a shirt, or a magnet if you're owed something we've run out of.
The trains are now running on time, prize-wise.
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Laricurli, MO:
Can you give us examples of entries that you find funny that the Czar did not, and visa versa? Also, can we expect an endless succession of tyrants to take over the contest every few years ("The Sultan," "The Duchess," etc.)?
washingtonpost.com:
Visa versa. Sounds like an entry right there.
The Empress: Sheesh, I just GOT here and you're already wondering about who's next in line to the throne.
The Czar and I actually have tended over the years to make similar choices among the Invitational entries. Though I lean more toward wordplay and subtlety and he leans more toward excretions and vomit, I think you'd actually be hard-pressed to see any real change in the character of the winning entries since I've taken over - in fact, I bet it's not clear at all which week my judging began (not the same week that my ascent was announced). See the next post.
Entry I found funny that the Czar did not? Let's see: There was one playing on "Rambo" vs. "Rimbaud."
Entry the Czar found funny that I did not: A Revised Title that said "Treacle Matter." I didn't even get it. That's supposed to be a play on "fecal matter."
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Centreville, Va.:
"Dawn, go away, I'm no good for you!" is the opening line of a song by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Maybe you just have to be "of a certain age" to get the humor in this one?
The Empress: Ah! Well, that's pretty cute! The "Mary Worth" guy certainly knows his market.
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Fer, AL:
I noticed that the "Rocky & Bullwinkle" SI from last week skipped from 31 B.C. to the 18th Century. Were all crucifixion jokes deemed too offensive for publication?
The Empress: Wow, that's quite a leap on the calendar; I hadn't noticed that.
The year 1066 would have been there, but it was moved up with the winners. As for Crucifixion jokes, yes, I decided not to go there. Since I started judging as Empress (beginning in Week 534), I think I've been as bold as The Czar, if not bolder, in envelope-pushing, but there are just some topics and some words that are just not going to make it into The Washington Post as joke material.
These would include such knee-slapper topics as the Crucifixion, the Holocaust, abortion, rape, and the killing or torture of children. Sorry to rain on your parade, guys.
The Feb. 22 Invitational will be one of the most off-color ever, because the point of the contest was that the entries -- neologisms (coined terms) and their definitions -- be too tasteless for newly retired columnist Bob Levey to have used in his own neologism contests. Boy, did I pay for this: Even I wearied of reading hundreds upon hundreds of poop and fart jokes. Even the sex jokes were a welcome respite.
But you will see that none of the entries that make it into print will explicitly use the names of various genitalia (except possibly in comical euphemisms like "Johnson"); mentions the racier bodily fluids; describes really graphic situations; or uses words considered more profane than "crap." For one thing, it's more clever to manage to be risque? without resorting to any of the above.
This coming Invitational (The Czar and The Empress have never called it the SI) - unfortunate conversations to be having on a cell phone while someone else is in the room - may draw some complaints for general bad taste, but I think the results are hilarious.
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Double Take:
So, you spit out your coffee TWICE?
The Empress: I drink a LOT of coffee.
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Harrisburg, Pa.:
What would an artist's rendition of you look like?
The Empress: Well, it depends on if the head-bag were rendered figuratively or abstractly. Actually, I look almost exactly like Alice from "Dilbert," except that I don't dress as well. Same maniacal, overcaffeinated expression; same hair.
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Deja, VU:
Several weeks ago I asked if the Empress had an
Auxiliary Empress who would someday grow up
to be President, Dictator or at least a Threat to
National Security. Gene said not yet... any new
developments on this front? Perhaps in the form
of fudged CIA documents? Or just plain fudge?
The Empress: It's allllll me, babe.
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washingtonpost.com: Alice
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Hey, There:
"Treacle Matter" was MY submission. And a darn good one too. You're at least as good as the Czar, but, on that one, he was right.
The Empress: Does everyone understand why this is so lame? "Treacle" is a good pun on "Trickle." "Treacle" is NOWHERE close enough to "Fecal."
If my recollection is right, this was written by someone who is ordinarily not lame.
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Eastern Market, Washington, D.C.:
I ran into Gene at an open house on Sunday afternoon here on Capitol Hill. The house was odd (like Gene) and pricey. Do you think that he is getting a hot royalty on his new book that is allowing him to consider to more upscale dwellings?
The Empress: What were YOU doing at the open house? Are you really rich?
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Fairfax, Va.:
I have a picture on my computer at home of the Empress in gaudy Mardi Gras beads. How much to keep it quiet?
The Empress: That is not The Empress. That was the Auxiliary Czar. The Empress remains headbagged. Those beads made a good addition to my kid's Purim party costume that year, by the way.
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Very Pun, NY:
A few weeks ago Gene asked for examples of spontaneous puns. I submit the following for your enjoyment:
The other day a friend of mine e-mailed me. She said that she was going to a "model U.N." party where she would have to wear something that represents another country and asked me if I had any ideas.
I immediately responded with the following suggestion:
"Find the biggest pillow you can, stuff it in the seat of your pants and go to the party as Djibouti!"
The Empress: Very nice! My daughter, Scion No. 2, goes to a school where, instead of Halloween, they celebrate International Day. Perhaps next Oct. 31 ?
By the way, everyone, look back for a sec at that post and see how much funnier that Djibouti punch line would have been without the exclamation point.
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The SI Deadline:
Is always a Monday. Does that mean we have until 11:59 p.m. on Mondays to e-mail them; or that the Empress checks her e-mail first thing Monday morning and that's the cut-off date?
The Empress: You have till midnight on Monday night in whatever time zone you are. If your clock were running a little slow, say 10 or 12 hours, you may get special dispensation if your entry were hysterically funny. If you have a really good (or at least entertaining) excuse AND your entry is coffeespittingly funny, you might have an extra day.
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Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.:
Why is the contest called Invitational when you in fact do not invite participants, but keep it as a free-for-all?
The Empress: I believe the name was coined ironically. It's just sort of archaic now, like The Washington "Post."
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The Empress: I need to interject here -- I am being deluged with questions. It's wonderful, but I can tell you now that I'm not going to be able to consult with Pat the Perfect on long grammar analyses and be able to get to anyone else. If your question isn't picked, it is not only because I find it inane and dull.
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Russ Beland, Springfield, Va.:
I have gotten a complaint or two about my recent Rocky & Bullwinkle entry about Liberian Slavery. The problem, it seems, is that slavery may not be a good topic of humor. Have you gotten any such complaints?
The Empress: Hi, Russ. I have not heard any complaints on this end. I thought it was a very imaginative and unusual entry, especially when it was fixed after the first print edition to read properly, "It takes one to own one." It's about the idea that the former slaves and their descendants who started up Liberia ended up enslaving, or virtually enslaving, the native population.
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Rats!:
I forgot Gene-bean would be out today! I had an appropriate bathroom-related post to share with him about the new and improved Washington Post Magazine. But it's a pleasure to post this to you instead, your highness.
I used to be able to read the Magazine cover to cover while in my "reading room." This morning I was dismayed to find that my legs and feet fell asleep before I had covered even HALF of the Magazine. Kudos!!!
The Empress: I am not affiliated with the Magazine - the Style and Magazine staffs just sort of eye one another warily across the room - but I thought this past Sunday's revamped Magazine, with all the new features, had a great debut. I like the heavier paper, too.
GENE-BEAN??????? How . . .sweet. Anyone have any cuddly-wuddly terms for The Empress?
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Arlington Va.:
John Cleese once said that "plummet" is
the funniest word in the English
language. Is he right?
The Empress: I adore John Cleese, but he is so wrong! Gosh, it's embarrassing how wrong he could be. Everyone knows that the funniest word in the English language is "tempt." I mean, jeez, just say it (with emphasis on the -mpt, of course). Just imagine John Cleese saying it!
By the way, recently I saw on video an old ('70s'? '80s') BBC production of "The Taming of the Shrew" with the still-hirsute Cleese as a remarkably sympathetic Petruchio. I was pathetically smitten.
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Falls Church, Va.:
What is up with washingtonpost.com asking me to register only when I click on certain stories? My gender, birth year, and zip code that I provided years ago only made them want more info on me? I'm none too pleased with this.
The Empress: Response Yeah, guys, why aren't you asking this person to register on EVERY story?
I would NEVER suggest that you put bogus information into these things, including made-up e-mail addresses, since that would be wrong. I assume the marketing people believe that people are so eager to fill out forms about their personal lives that they figure this new feature will draw lots more eyeballs to washingtonpost.com. I also think that this policy should be extended to the print newspaper as well: Before you can get the paper out of the newsbox, you should have to fill out a form saying what job you have. Also, the print news stories should have little flaps with ads on them that you have to lift off the stories before you read them.
While we're on the subject of Liz's employer ...
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Titica CA:
First, please ask the Web site guys AGAIN to make
sure the cartoons post along with the column --
they didn't get it fixed this afternoon. Sometimes
it's hard to figure out the contest rules without that
visual clue. Thank you.
What percentage of the contests would you say
rely on puns? Or, even if the contest doesn't
specifically require puns, is it the Empress's --
philosophy that there's very little that can't be
improved by their addition?
Also, please supply your subjects with guidelines
on permissible slang names for assorted body
parts and functions... ones that strike that happy
compromise between the creative exercise of our
precious First Amendment rights, and ruthless
censorship by a family paper.
-Pat the Perfect can weigh in on whether this is
the correct form of the possessive. Looks like too
many Esses, but one less looks wrong, too.
washingtonpost.com:
I'll pass on your concerns about the cartoons to the "guys" that maintain the SI online. -- Liz (Web site girl)
The Empress: Yes, Bob Staake's adorable cartoon is missing from this week's Invitational on the Web. Which makes the valentine poem next to the big gaping hole just a wee bit ruined. The cartoon is a picture of Adam and Eve.
Here's the text of the currently anonymous valentine from A to E:
Okay, okay, we screwed it up,
We've caused eternal pain.
But hey, today it's Valentine's --
So let's go raise some Cain.
To find the picture for the Invitational, for some reason the post.com people, instead of getting it from the archive of wherever The Post puts all the photos and graphics it's used, go directly to Bob Staake's Web site and take it from there. Well, last week Bob sensibly, but without warning, put password protection on that part of his site. He told the password to the Style layout person, but it was not also told to the post.com people. I did send an e-mail on Sunday with the password, but nobody ever did anything.
As for puns, there aren't many Invitational contests that REQUIRE them (as this past week's did). But there's usually a way to get a great pun into an entry for just about any contest, and as the amazing (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) can attest, great puns tend to get a lot of Empress ink.
See the post higher up for Invitational taste guidelines.
Pat the Perfect tells me that "-s's" is The Post's current style for most possessives (a word that itself has an excess of s's). It used to be "s' ."
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Riverdale:
What happened to the SI entries people submitted Thursday while the e-mail wasn't working? Did they bounce back with "No such registry entry, washpost.com"?
The Empress: I think I may end up with a few fewer entries than usual that week. Most of the regular entrants eventually got through, it seems.
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Wottsamatta U.:
I spent days thinking of possible historical events, hours coming up with possible puns and minutes imagining William Conrad's voice in my head to see if they sounded just right, I was convinced I had one sure-fire pun that Jay Ward would be proud of and... nothing.
I have lost the will to live.
The Empress: Come, now, we can't all be incredibly witty.
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Arlington, Va.:
Would this Gene Weingarten book make
a thoughtful Valentine's Day gift,
especially if accompanied by something
nicer or more edible?
The Empress: That's okay, I already have a copy. I'll just take the edible stuff. No, actually, this book would be a perfect Valentine's Day gift. It even has an attractive cover. AND it has a big section on good gifts vs. bad gifts! And, most important, this book has simply exquisite copy editing.
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Arlington, Va.:
I should vote today, shouldn't I? Quick,
give me some impetus.
The Empress: Get off your butt and vote, you lazy impetus!
Oh, did anyone hear the report on "All Things Considered" the other afternoon from a remote island town in Georgia? The people interviewed were passionately in favor of John Kerry, evidently because he exudes a presidential aura. One man, asked about Howard Dean, said: "Oh no, I don't like Dean at all. That guy's a redneck."
I wonder if he was alluding to the Confederate flag comment or to the pig-calling whoop.
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The Empress: Last call for ideas for Mark Young's H coupon ...
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Piitsburgh, PA:
If you link to the CBS News Web site and access the Early Show, you can link to a video replay of the interview in its entirety. I looked at it. I have to say, Gina seemed to monopolize the conversation a little bit, and Harry Smith was a little too "I've had WAY too much caffeine" animated for my taste. Gene looked great, although I was surprised how nasal his speaking voice is.
CBSNews.com: Gene and Gina
washingtonpost.com:
I agree on Gina monopolizing. Though Gene did plant a huge, unexpected kiss on her.
The Empress: oh boy, I'll have to look at this later. fyi, I don't have time even to look at the chat as it's progressing. If Gene does, he's amazing.
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Charlottesville, Va.:
I'm going to a trivia contest at a bar tonight, and I need to come up with a team name that's topical and funny enough to win a free pitcher of beer. Any suggestions?
The Empress: I suggest that you come up with something really topical and funny. That way, you might win a free pitcher of beer!
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Nickna, ME:
Fuzzy nicknames for the Empress? Sound like an
Invitational contest to me. Or perhaps nicknames
for unlovable characters in history. Not that our
darling wittle Patty-cake is unlovable, of course.
The Empress: hmmm! E-mail me later at losers@washpost.com in case I use this idea. By the way, people, I'm getting lots of good contest ideas from y'all. Some we've done before, but some are really novel. The next two weeks' contests are entirely new, and they are going to have HUGE responses. Mortal lock. The bar will be VERY high.
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Beland is da bomb:
I thought the slavery pun was the best of the lot, with the possible exception of Chris Doyle's Bob Dole entry. Does the Empress find the political entries less enticing?
The Empress: The Empress loves humor that plays off the news, including political humor. But raving screeds tend not to be all that funny.
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Rikitikita, V.I.:
Virgin Islands, I wish. It's cold here in the upper midwest, and we need some humor book recommendations. I'll throw these personal favs out to the populace -- "Holidays in Hell," P.J. O'Rourke; "Acres and Pains," SJ Perelman; and for the middle aged guys, "I was A Teenage Dominatrix," Shawna Kenney.
And, will you admit to being, anagramically, a creamy spirit?
The Empress: I don't see how you get that out of "The Empress."
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Kissimmee, Fla.:
I watched the CBS Morning Show interview with Gene Weingarten and Gina Barreca. At the end, Gene presented Gina with an unexpected Valentine's gift (earrings), and she gave him a smooch. Gina's visible reaction to his mustache suggested it was their first (and last) kiss.
Has the Empress ever encountered the Czar's bushy upper lip in this manner? How does the Empress feel about facial hair on men?
The Empress: The Empress's Consort has his own bushy upper lip, about which she feels just fine.
Earrings, huh? He gave her EARRINGS? He never gave me any earrings. He gave me, like, a plant and a book. He gave her the earrings BEFORE the smooch? Well, I don't even have pierced ears, so I wouldn't even have WANTED earrings.
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Dulles, Va.:
Well, Gene's book may have exquisite copy-editing, but what about proofreading? EVERYONE knows that it's the proofreader that makes or breaks a book. After all, the typesetter can neglect to make your required changes -- unless it's the proofreader to your rescue! For some great proofreading, check out fellow Post-ie Pamela Constable's upcoming book, "Fragments of Grace." Now that's quality!
The Empress: Pat the Perfect didn't get to see the final galleys. She cannot bear to actually LOOK at the book, in case a typo were to leap out at her.
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Georgetown, Washington, D.C.:
Many thanks -- the Invitational is frequently the best $1.50 I spend on a Sunday.
Please solve a mystery: what was the old "ear no one reads" that was submitted each week?
The Empress: Wow, someone who actually buys the newspaper.
Shall I finally spill the beans on this? I hope The Czar is not infuriated.
The Ear No One Reads was published every week in the Sunday Style section over several years and credited to the winning contributors in the body of the Invitational, though it did not appear there. In newspaper lingo, the ears are the little blurbs on the sides of the masthead on the front page (where it says The Washington Post, or Style). On A1, there's a weather ear, for example. In Style until the masthead was redesigned in the late 1990s, there was a line that said People/Fashion/Gardens.
One week we suddenly realized that People/Fashion/Gardens didn't exactly make a whole lot of sense, seeing as how the gardening columnist, the incomparable essayist Henry Mitchell, had, well, died. It seemed a little too brusque to just drop "Gardens," and so the editor of the Sunday Style section at the time, one Gene Weingarten, had the idea of replacing the standard text of the ear with something "Mysteries of Life Unraveled," to see if anyone would notice. The next week he had "Walking on Eggshells With Hob-Nailed Boots." Then he started using ideas sent in by readers, and the Czar credited them for writing The Ear No One Reads.
A complete list of all The Ears No One Read appears on the Invitational Losers' own Web site at www.gopherdrool.com.
Recently The Invitational ran a Revised Title for a contest about bad e-mail subject lines. It was "The E- No One Reads."
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Witty, but not SI witty:
So I'm clever enough to get posted here three times in one chat, but I lack the big-game moxie for the Invitational?
I can live with that.
The Empress: Oh, definitely, you don't have to be very funny to get on the chat.
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Rikitikita, VI:
RE: Creamy spirit:
Is you full name not Patricia Myers?
The Empress: Oh, that's Pat the Perfect!
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Sunday Source TV Ads:
Why are the two guys that are in the ads (comic book guy and guy in a band who eats gazpacho) the two lamest people on the entire planet? Are you guys targeting the dorks in the metro area? The comic book guy (at least 30) actually says I'm really into comic books, I didn't know the Post was so hip. The band guy sings about Norse mythology and says that cold soup really isn't as awful as it sounds. For godsake, I'm a pretty major nerd (female) who's rethinking even going near your newspaper. What are you doing to the rest of the population?
The Empress: The Style section has nothing to do with (a) Sunday Source or (b) commercials. You might as well ask me why this morning's paper ended up in your bushes.
It's great being in a bureaucracy!
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K Street Dunge, ON:
Never, never, never form a plural with "'s." The word possessives doesn't have an excess of s's. It has an excess of esses.
In humor news, monkey poop.
The Empress: The single exception is the plural of a single letter. You don't say, "I got two As on my report card." It's even more necessary for the plural of a lowercase letter.
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Washingtron:
re: Drugstore purchase
Apparently, CVS is taking the drugstore concept a little too far and is now selling heroin.
The Empress: This wins. Tell us who you are if you'd like two great Style Invitational magnets.
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The Empress: I'm out of time. If you would really like a question answered, e-mail me over the next few days at losers@washpost.com. Make sure your subject line does not look like spam. I get literally 500 spams a day.
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Clarification:
"See the post higher up for Invitational taste guidelines."
You mean Ben Bradlee?
The Empress: Exhibit A for Why Hyphens Are Useful.
Thanks again, everyone. It's been great fun. Read the Invitational!
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