Transcript
News to aMUSE
Friday, January 21, 2005; 10:00 AM
Though the work week has ended, it won't be forgot
So let's celebrate the sublime and perverse
Of these past few days, through poetic verse
Your Seussian babble and off-rhyming couplets
Submit your odes by Friday at 4
We'll post all the best (the rest we'll ignore)
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If not news-related, your ode won't be read
So study the headlines, columns and briefs
Newsmakers, pundits, commanders-in-chief
Get the idea? Relate to the news...
Make your rhyme sing and we'll be sure to use
Submissions become the property of washingtonpost.com and may be used in any way we see fit. A semi-fabulous prize based on what is currently cluttering our marketing trinket closet will be awarded to the "aMusing Poem of the Week." This week's weather-appropriate swag is a pair of washingtonpost.com flip-flops.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
"Democracy" went up in smoke
Bush's more like Nero
Than he's a hero
To say we're united's a joke
Came the pomp and the bands and the fluff
For once we agree
With the Glitterati
Two parties just aren't enough
The city shuts down
Head for the hills
There's snow on the ground!
In the stands Kerry sits and he smirks
But out in the crowd
In whispers out loud
Both sides call the other one jerks
3 to 5 inches, which is a lot
of snow around here. My barber
gets bread and milk, my wife wants same.
I've got three-hundred riding
on the Steelers, on Sunday night.
I need packs of Joe Cs, bottles of Jack,
not the raw ingredients for French toast.
I need to get off this bus and into the sun.
While Democrat Senators glare
"We don't really trust you
But hey, what can we do?
We lost the election last year."
Of Brad and Jen's publicized wooing
There'll be no amends
For these lovely Friends
I wonder what Paris is doing?
By the way that those cartoon folks prance
That they're really not normal
In matters hormonal
So down with old Sponge Bob Square Pants!
We ignore all the strife in the land
Woodrow had it right:
No parties tonight!
Let's get back to the business at hand
Full of pomp, circumstance and libation
Too bad that a few socialist liberals
Knew but a few obscene syllables
Their rhetoric was dismissed
Their snowballs did miss
They will again have to wait
Another four years to spread their hate
George W. Bush won the electoral vote
So it's time to MoveOn with this socialist liberal rote
While announcing lower fares from their bosses
What kind of business strategy could that be?
Why it's a one-way ticket to bankruptcy!
‘cause a disgruntled Michiganite was making it rough.
He sat in a red van outside the White House,
and threatened mayhem, (the inconsiderate louse).
As buses and cars all tried to compete.
Streets were closed so the cops could work,
I wish they'd rushed, the silly jerk.
Listen to music and enjoy the beat.
Instead there I was, sitting in my car,
My radio is broken, so no fun so far.
looking forward to the time when sanity resumed.
Ambulances and firetrucks trying to get thru,
but where could we go? What could we do?
I knew it would be bad but not this dirty.
I arrived home at eight o'clock,
Sliding gratefully into my block.
this I'm thinking as I tap the brakes.
An hour and a half, this time it took,
and it should be written in history books.
There was no bomb, for Christ's sake!!
So next time I say, call the bluff,
and let the cops in DC strut their stuff.
I hope they do nothing upsetting to me.
‘Cause no matter what we do or say,
It starts all over again, the very next day.
no forks!; for me!;
interfering with the act of mastication
this is culinary indignation
in defense of the honor of the nation
no forks!; for me!;
this plague this problem that is creeping through the populace
my table setting is seriously at risk
i will not take this sitting down, c'mon chopsticks!;
no forks!; for me!;
FOUR TINES!; (hell no hell no)
THREE TINES!; (hell no hell no)
NO TINES!; (hell no hell no)
FOR ALL TIME!; (all right let's go)
no forks!; for me!;
remember!; to be!;
conscientious!; when you eat!;
Put Down Those Forks
The group of protesters stood a few feet away from the entrance to the Federal Triangle Metro station, holding signs and timing their chants for the arrival of Metro riders: "Two, four, six, eight -- no more forks!"
One protester asked, "Were forks mentioned in the Constitution? No!" A sign read, "Jesus hates forks."
The young men identified themselves only as members of the anti-fork movement. Their chants drew stares, guffaws, and expressions of bewilderment. It wasn't long before a transit police officer made them move away from the Metro entrance. They regrouped a few feet away and resumed their chanting. --Susan J. DeFord
perused the pictures of commanders-in chiefs,
shoulder to shoulder at yesterdays swearing,
Clinton wondering what Laura is wearing,
I've ducked as the drones whiz by my head,
and stocked up on eggs, tissue and bread,
I'm hoping, yes…with perverse pleasure,
This weekends weather will bring a measure.
Of Gods wrath, an ice storm should suffice,
Encasing insufferable Republicans in ice,
Primordial ooze, they are I say,
Smite them, oh Lord…oh, and Have A Nice Day!
Drove our man, Howard Stern, to join Sirius.
I'm sure Powell's successor
Will be a suppressor,
So let's not get too delirous.
In DC we never digress
Here we debate
Our issues have weight
And did you see Laura's new dress?
Instead of being glad and jolly
There's only hate known by this city --
The mopey, dopey town of Raleigh.
The town is simply "pointing fingers."
It seems as though the weather wizard
Will face shame that forever lingers.
"What?," they say, "It snowed an INCH!
Let's stone him, quick, tell me his name!"
Pathetic -- every man a Grinch.
And now their teeth are all a'chatter.
An inch(!) brought this town "to its knees."
Ha -- I guess that size DOES matter.
The capital teeming with cops
Bush wants the world free
But what about me?
I really need the flip flops
Three dozen downed in three days
still could not save them
Produced carloads of crap
The gutless-wonder judges
Print woeful, baleful pap
Seeks to print odes sensational
It needs transgressive humor
(Like the Style Invitational)
Causes the traffic to creep
All along 95.
The snow has not been cleared
All along 95.
HOV is open
All along 95.
It's a sea of red
All along 95.
Why VDOT would allow this circumstance
All along 95.
Please do your job!
Next time it snows
Get out the plows!
Do not let non HOV-3
Onto the lanes meant for me!
About the cognitive value of booze?
Seems the Baldwins of Waltons' Mountain
Were drawing on youth's own fountain.
As long as you don't drive your car,
You can pump up your brain at the bar.
So, lift up a glass to Miss Emily
And fill it with Papa's recipe,
Though the problem with which we're still saddled
Is why the sisters still were so addled.
This news is incredibly recent,
But frankly it comes as a pleasure to me,
As his fines were so !--%&#$ indecent.
wants more transgression herein
how about poop jokes?
Some say he united, some divided.
Well it seems clear to me
That if we can't agree
Then the issue is thusly decided.
Giving those who didn't deserve it, fame
At least there wasn't another William Hung
To perpetually annoy us with what he "sung"
I just hope another show can Trump
So Idol gets the scheduling bump
For crossing Mr. Powell,
In short he'll thwart that sort of tort,
By tossing in his towel!
There once was a county in V.A.,
That delayed school for 2 hours one day
No snow to thwart,
The bus contract was short,
As always, the parents must find a way.
Clarke's and O'Neill's books
Litter the Oval Office
The First Dog's chew toy
This week's show is over
And I think we agree
That we all need to work
On our meter
Check back Monday-ish when we reveal the winner of the coveted flip-flops and start taking submissions for next week's News to aMUSE.
