Roman Ruler x High Fly = Pontius Pilot
Apprentice x Zap = You're Fried!
(Bob Staake For The Washington Post)
Biloxi Palace x Premium Tap = Indoor Plumbing
This week's contest: It's time to play the field again, as we ask you to "breed" any two of the horses on a list of those qualifying for this year's Triple Crown races, and tell us a good name for their foal, as in the examples above by Mike Hammer and Russell Beland. (The horse names appear at the bottom of this page.) As she did last year, the Empress has pared the list of almost 400 nominees to a workable 100, consisting of experts' "top contenders" (so there's a chance of actually seeing in the Kentucky Derby a horse whose name you used) and supplemented with promising names that we hope are unlikely to prompt entries too similar to previous years'. The actual sexes of the horses don't matter, which is a good thing, since they're almost all male. Like the names of the actual horses, the name of the foal must be no more than 18 characters, including any spaces. Send as many entries as you like (this week always brings out the obsessed), but the Empress advises you to put your best work at the top of your list; her lorgnette starts to slide down her nose after she's seen 50 mediocre entries and no good ones. Please double-space to avoid imperial wrath.
The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a lovely little handbag consisting of a polished coconut shell, bisected and reattached with a zipper. A perfect accompaniment either to an inaugural ball gown or, Monty Python-style, to video of the Kentucky Derby.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 11. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 1, the Sunday before the Derby. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.
Report from Week DC (we returned to Roman numerals for the occasion), in which we asked how Washington would be affected by the return of baseball. Dozens of you wittily posited that our town would heretofore be known as "first in war, first in peace, and last in the National League." Dozens more made plays on "Nats" vs. "Gnats," and predicted that left field would be much smaller than right field for the foreseeable future. Yeah, yeah. The funniest entry that didn't fit the contest was from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn.: Peter Angelos's kids will be forced to take an allowance cut. There were also a couple of inadvertently funny entries from foreign readers, who gamely sent in stuff about "baseball matches" and, along with innings, had players making "outings."
Special extra-contest note! As you'll see below, the winning entries for this contest are amusing but not classic. Surely there's another, better baseball contest still to be done. We have till October to do it, and you have eight days to come up with the idea for it. Send it in a separate e-mail with "Baseball contest idea" in the subject line; the best and most workable idea (good examples help make a persuasive case) wins a genuine bobblehead doll of the late Chuck Thompson, Voice of the Baltimore Orioles -- complete with audio -- donated by Elden Carnahan of Laurel.
Second runner-up: Not content with merely being weenies about snow, the area also gets a chance to shut down operations when it rains. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
First runner-up, winner of the 1920s photo taken outside the Washington American League Base Ball Club: Fans vote their favorite National onto the All-Star team. Unfortunately, he will not be allowed to play, but will merely sit in the dugout as a team delegate. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)
And the winner of the Inker: The cherry blossoms will no longer be the only things in town that burst forth with great vigor in spring, immediately begin to fade, and in a few weeks are pretty much forgotten until next season. (Dudley Thompson, Raleigh)
When they're on the bench, the Supreme Court Nine take to chewing sunflower seeds, spitting tobacco juice and blowing balloon-size gum bubbles. During oral arguments, lawyers keep getting drilled by the righty, Scalia, who relies solely on breaking balls. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
To boost ticket sales, school vouchers can now be exchanged for an evening at the ballpark for a family of four. (Rob Poole, Ellicott City)
Hillary Clinton can add the Nationals to the teams of which she is supposedly a lifelong fan. (Bird Waring, New York)
Speakers on the House floor will call timeout to step away from the microphone and adjust their crotches. The resulting FCC fines will force C-SPAN to go to a seven-second delay. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
Rasheeda Moore joins Nationals pitching staff in a setup role. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
If during a lengthy filibuster a senator loses his or her voice, a pinch speaker may be employed. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria)
Freddy Adu will kick out the first baseball. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
A bunch of overpaid egos will alternate between trying to stop their opponents from making any progress, and sitting around doing nothing while one or two of their number occasionally get up and attempt to make progress. But now, you have to pay to watch them do it. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
Dan Snyder will get into a bidding war for Jason Giambi. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)
The 17-year "cicada cycle" will be supplemented with the 117-year "Nats championship cycle." (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase)
In honor of the late, great manager of the Senators, the new team's concession stands will sell Ted Williams Popsicles. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Once people get used to a team that sucks for 162 games a season, having one that sucks only 16 times a season won't seem so bad, right? (D. Snyder, Potomac) (Brendan Beary)
The Washington Post, Jan. 1, 2006: Out: Not Going to Caps Games. In: Not Going to Nats Games. (Eric Fulton, Bethesda)
Big Top Cat
Call the Marines
Chips Are Down
Count Me In
Dance With Ravens
Defy the Odds
Devil at Sea
Don't Get Mad
Fusaichi Rock Star
Hole in the Head
I Live for This
Kansas City Boy
Lost In The Fog
More Than Somewhat
Never at Dusk
So Long Birdie
Sort It Out
Tales Not Told
Three Hour Nap
What's Up Dude
Yes Yes Yes
Next Week: Anticdotes, or My Faux-Called Life