TELL ME ABOUT IT ®

How's this -- it is so much bigger than the pain. Yes, it's scary, but if you want kids the pain is beside the point. Think of the wussiest woman you know. If she has kids, there's your answer.

Dear Carolyn:

Looking at the history in the computer I share with my live-in boyfriend, I recently noticed that he was looking at personal ads and has set up a new, anonymous e-mail account. I know it was wrong to look. But I'm crushed. And unsure what to do. I want to ask him about it but am worried about his reaction. (I admit I've been bad and snooped a bit before.) He claims to be crazy about me and bought me an expensive gift recently. I'm feeling very confused and unsure about things.

-- D.C.

The gift might be guilt. Tell him what you found and accept responsibility for being a snoop.

Better yet, move out and navel-gaze for a while, at least until you see why you let a relationship drag on even though the trust has long since left the building.

Dear Carolyn:

Is it ever okay to snoop? If you're snooping, does it always mean there is a problem in the relationship or could it mean you're just nosy?

-- Washington

"Just" nosy? I think that's even worse than a problem in a relationship. That means you have some combination of: no respect for others' privacy, no sense of boundaries, no self-control, no trust in others, no little switch in your head that says, "I really don't need to know this." Because you don't really need to know this, whatever it is that you're digging up when you snoop.

Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost.com.