Writing Down a Recipe For a Life Worth Living

That advice comes from the ethical will of Stephen M. Berry, a customer service manager who lives near Annapolis. He wrote it for his wife and three children two years ago when he was 43.

"I did it for my own benefit at first. Then I thought of my kids," Berry said. "It's an exercise in looking at your life, what your priorities are, what's important to you."

Dear Mom. . . . What's unique in writing this to you is that many of the messages I've learned from you are the ones I want to leave for you. So this is part reflection and part ethical will -- what's kept me going and what will keep you going, I hope, if I'm no longer around.

This is how Springfield resident Catherine Wetherby opened her ethical will written to her 89-year-old mother. Wetherby tells those who attend her workshops in writing ethical wills that they should see it as a spiritual journey that is helpful at any stage of life.

"It really touches on the spiritual aspect of life, leaving something behind besides the family silver," she said. "You really have to go into your soul to find out what is important enough to me that I want to bequeath."

Maureen Evans, 46, of Cheverly also gives ethical will workshops. Hers are based on the book "Women's Lives, Women's Legacies" by Rachel Freed. Because women often "discount how valuable their experiences have been," said Evans, they need extra encouragement. "That's where I see the value of the ethical will. It allows women to pass on the wisdom they've learned to others."

Ethical wills are also drawing increased attention from wealthy individuals who want their heirs to appreciate the values that inspired their philanthropic giving, said Virginia M. Esposito, president of the Washington-based National Center for Family Philanthropy, a resource center for charitable donors.

"It is a way to communicate more meaning around the giving and the family's involvement in that giving," Esposito said. "More than telling your family to fund the arts . . . it's a way of telling your family why these things have been important to you."

As individual as the people who write them, ethical wills can range from one page to bound volumes. And as more people turn to videotape to record them, experts caution that transcripts should be made in case the tape becomes unviewable.

Remember the past, but do not live in it. Your friends and relatives who have gone before you (perhaps including me when you read this!) can wait for your arrival and would be disappointed to see you arrive unimproved from when they knew you. . . .

Remember to . . . talk to God, and do not be afraid of getting angry with Him -- He can take it! But also listen to God in the silence of your heart when you are just being and not doing. He loves you more than your mom and I ever could -- if only you knew.

James C. Haight, a Bethesda estate planning lawyer who offers this advice in his own ethical will, urges clients to write one because the document can help an heir who must make an end-of-life medical decision. Other experts say ethical wills can also prevent strife among heirs by offering insight about the terms of a person's material will.

"I want to get people to sit down and talk about" their values with family members, Haight said, and "the ethical will is: 'Here's my values.' "

Most experts suggest that people share their ethical wills with family members before they die because they "are beautiful communication tools," said Susan Turnbull, who has a small Massachusetts business helping people write ethical wills. "They open doors between generations."

Baines warns against using ethical wills to manipulate, control or heap revenge on relatives, noting that he has seen some "that have a lot of blaming and scolding."

Another pitfall is self-deception, according to David Trickett, founder of the Jefferson Circle, a Fairfax outfit that counsels families and organizations in resolving deep conflicts. "As with most eulogy-like phenomena . . . these can be tools of spin" and "used to paint a more attractive picture [of the author] than is warranted," Trickett said. He suggests that authors consult with a trusted person "who can hold a mirror up as the story is being evoked and ask questions."

The ethical will is rooted in Jewish tradition, especially the biblical story of a dying Jacob gathering his children around him for his last blessings and commands. Rabbi Jack Riemer of Boca Raton, Fla., became one of the first contemporary Jewish leaders to revive the practice when he began speaking of it in the 1980s. He also co-authored a collection of Jewish ethical wills called "So That Your Values Live On -- Ethical Wills and How to Prepare Them."

Once over the first hump of facing one's own mortality, the next step can be just as daunting. "There's nothing harder than facing a blank page," Riemer noted.

But sincerity can conquer that. "Words that come from the heart enter the heart," he said, adding that some of the most moving ethical wills he has read were written by "plain ordinary people, very simple people."

Riemer, 75, has written an ethical will for his two children and two grandchildren. It is "a couple of pages" long and gets "updated as my life changes and as my kids change."

"I don't want to dictate my values to my kids. I don't want a veto," the rabbi added. "But I want a vote, and if they're willing to take my property, they should be at least willing to consider my values."