"Darcie was the second person to e-mail me and I liked her immediately," Goldstein says. "We met over coffee, and knew we'd get along really well. And she didn't mind living with my dog."
The two women worked out a plan to split the mortgage, utilities, groceries and space in the house -- Allen has the basement, Goldstein the top floor. The two share the living room, den and kitchen on the main floor. They also share parenting duties and routinely eat together. When Allen's husband visits every other weekend, he usually prepares a Sunday breakfast for the entire household.
Shawn Goldstein and her son, Kai Joseph, right, opened their home to Darcie Allen and her son, Sinclair, left.
(Hans Ericsson For The Washington Post)
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Not all such shared-living settings work out as well. All of the women interviewed for this story say that successful home-sharing requires honest communication and clear-cut guidelines -- who pays for what and how much, when and for how long visitors can stay, how the household chores will be divided, what's private and what's shared, and when children are involved, how to co-parent them.
Dana Grasty, an accountant for a public relations firm, says she and her sister rarely disagree over parenting issues because they have similar philosophies. Their children also attend the same school and their mothers decide who will drop off and pick up the kids or attend school functions based on whose work schedule is more flexible at the time. She cautions, however, that child rearing could be a dicey area.
Allen agrees, but says it need not be. "Shawn and I are both trying to find our way and we normally discuss discipline as the need arises," says Allen. Though she's not actually a single parent, Allen's current living situation has given her a rare perspective on the challenges single mothers face. She says she and Goldstein take turns playing the dad's role. "If one person loses control of a situation, the other steps in so the other mom has a chance to collect herself," she says.
"Because our sons are both only children, it's been good for them to have brotherly attention and learn that they are not the center of the universe," adds Goldstein. "And we're here to support one another as much as we can." For example, recently when Allen had a late class, Goldstein picked up her son from school, fed and bathed him and put him to bed. And they trade off like that constantly, which makes life less stressful for both women.
But sometimes the arrangements are made between women who've already reared their children. Golden Girl Homes, Inc., an organization that brings together single older women interested in shared living, periodically brings in financial planners, mortgage brokers and realtors to answer members' questions. Its Web site notes that women, for example, live longer than men, but on average earn about $300,000 less over their working lives. Home-sharing, it notes, becomes a viable option. The group got its name from the 1980s TV comedy, which portrayed the lives of four retired women sharing a home. It's finances that are the ultimate pitfall for women considering co-sharing a home, whether they're still raising children or at the end of their working life.
"When you're buying, you have to be sure you want to do it," says Mary Malgoire, president of the Family Firm, a Bethesda-based financial advisory company. "It's like a marriage -- it's more difficult to get out of it."
Malgoire advises prospective co-buyers to rent together for at least a year before buying, and to plan for eventualities such as job changes, disability, death or just the feeling that it's not working anymore.
Besides a contract on living arrangements, Malgoire proposes that co-owners consider setting up a cash reserve to cover the mortgage in case of emergencies. This could be simply done by each roommate putting aside a certain amount each month in a joint account that requires both signatures to access. It's also important to decide details such as under what conditions they would sell the house, who gets the mortgage interest deductions, and personal liability issues, she says.
Regardless of age or family ties, shared-living participants believe two pulling together is easier than one pulling alone.
"They're creating families of choice," observes Malgoire, noting that if people take the time to properly work out the details, shared-living "can be a wonderful solution."
