Chatological Humor*

Jumping Through Hoops Weekly

(Mike Cisneros - washingtonpost.com)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This week's poll.

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

I spent this weekend with my daughter at Cornell, in Ithaca, N.Y., checking out the vet school. It was a magical three days, in which I watched a young woman, full of life and hope and idealism, gaze at her future with unclouded eyes and a sense of awe at the endless possibilities that await her. As you can imagine, I carried away many important memories from this weekend. Here are two:

1) The Ithaca Journal is the greatest newspaper in America. It is true that it has a certain small-towny feel: The largest story on the front page Saturday - far larger than "dozens killed in Baghdad bombings," or "Bush to face tough crowd in Europe" - was a story that revealed that a woman from Ithaca was among the 500 volunteers who assembled Christo's "Gates" installment in New York. Also, here is how one obituary began: "FRED H. WEIDENHAMER and LENA M. WEIDENHAMER -- The Weidenhamers, formerly of Lansing, recently passed away. Fred Died at home peacefully on Jan. 29, 2005 and Lena joined him in heaven on Feb. 7, 2005."

The reason this is the best paper in America is its priorities. The newspaper looks like an ordinary newspaper, paper-wise, except for a single page that is inserted. This is printed on what appears to be high-quality vellum, the sort of paper on which Harvard diplomas are printed. It is the thickness of a roofing tile. These are the comics.

2) It is possible to obtain, for $5.99, the following breakfast at Denny's: A large flapjack wrapped around a quarter pound of warm cherries, two eggs, two sausages, two strips of bacon, hash browns, two slices of bread, and coffee with refills. How do they make money?

Okay, lessee. My favorite letter this week, responding to my column, arrived today from St. Petersburg. Here it is in its entirety, exactly as written:

"Don't quit your day job! You liberal lefty Bush bashers are all the same Johnny one notes! Get over it and get a life! I love our President and in spite of you losers who will do anything you can to bring him down with your hatfilled retoric, he will prevail and God's speed to him!
Just a granny who doesn't even get to church! Put it in your ear and blow it out your butt!"

-- Sue Rosenthal.

Today's poll is a continuation of last week's. As always, I will supply the correct answers midway through. (There was something wrong with the server at the comics site earlier - if it's still a problem, we'll let you know when it is back up.)

It was a weak comic week. The CPOW is Sunday's Candorville, and the runner-up today's Rhymes With Orange.

I also cannot forebear directing your attention to today's Get Fuzzy; I cannot decide whether it is really good, or really bad. A conversation with Stephan Pastis (Darby Conley's friend) confirms that I am understanding it right. But I simply don't know what to think of it. You? (Also, is there anyone under 40 who even knows what that last panel IS?)

Oh, an urgent message just arrived, as I type this that an antiwar senator from the Netherlands is named "Tiny Kox."

Let's go.

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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week:
Candorville, (Feb. 21)

Runner Up:
Rhymes With Orange, (Feb. 22)

Also Mentioned:
Get Fuzzy, (Feb. 22)

Take My Column, Please (Post Magazine, Feb. 21)

Cast your vote in this week's poll!

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Bethesda, Md.: In regards to the video you posted last week with the male cheerleaders throwing the female through the hoop -- why has no one pointed out that a regulation basketball hoop has only an 18-inch diameter? I'm not going to make any predictions on the proportions on the female in the video, but there's no way the width of her shoulders (presumably the widest part of her) are smaller than 18 inches.

It's obviously been digitally altered. End of discussion. Of course the discussion of every one crying and complaining about the men celebrating the "amazing" feat rather than meeting the "needs" of the female may continue.

Gene Weingarten: This was clearly computer enhanced, the best evidence being that the chick goes through the hoop with her arms at her sides, which would be insane if one were trying to fit through a hoop.

But you are wrong on the dimensions. I have at my disposal, here in my house, an adult female woman human who by mutual agreement for purposes of this posting, will remain nameless. I have just taken her measurements. From shoulder to shoulder, straight across, she measures 16 inches.

More important, the circumference of her hips, at the very meatiest point, is exactly 35 and a half inches, as recorded by a tape measure. Using the formula C=(pi)D, the circumference of a basketball hoop is about 56 inches. Meaning this human female would fit through the hoop with about an inch to spare on either side at her shoulders, and two inches to spare on either side at her hips.

The woman I measured on is no thinner than the woman in the video, which Lizzie will link to below.

You are welcome.

washingtonpost.com: Pandora's Basket

Gene Weingarten: Okay, an addendum: My estimable colleague, David Von Drehle, disagrees with me strongly. He believes this is probably a real stunt, performed by experts, and that the only phony thing is their scripted reaction at the end. He bases this conclusion on the degree of accuracy trained gymnasts can attain, and on the fact that the woman is going through the hoop with her fists clenched, which would be necessary to prevent finger-net tangling, but nothing else. I say he is wrong. Ringling Bros. has not called me back.

With increasing urgency, I request help from you-all.

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Gonzo, Washington, D.C.: Will Trudeau bump off Uncle Duke?

washingtonpost.com: The Dark Star, (Post, Feb. 22)

Gene Weingarten: This is one of the greatest obits/appreciations you will ever read, anywhere, anytime.

Gene Weingarten: And, no, I doubt if Trudeau will. I messaged briefly with Trudeau about this yesterday, and he pointed out, correctly, that Duke has morphed into a different character over the years.

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Hatfilled rhetoric asi,DE: Aren't you supposed to be going off on some super-secret mission? Or is that next week? And if you do, will it be for the liberal lefties, or will you do it for God and Country?

Gene Weingarten: It's next week, and the week after. It is for the Craft of Journalism.

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Fuzzy Pattern: Yes, I recognize the artifact known as a "test pattern" in the final panel of Get Fuzzy. I am under 40 years old. I am 39.

Gene Weingarten: Anyone under 39 get this? Apparently the strip was having technical difficulties and went to a test pattern. WHY it was having difficulties I do not know. I don't see any double entendres.

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Slamduh, NC: von Drehle would have us believe that the woman gymnast and her launch crew managed this stunt on the first try, which of course is wildly improbable (even given the dimension you supplied). Von Drehle is, therefore, an idiot.

Gene Weingarten: Von Drehle is most certainly not an idiot. He contends these are professional gymnasts who probably practiced for days with a soft target. This is, after all, part of a promo for a movie. There could have been a great deal of money behind this.

I don't KNOW he is wrong. I just THINK he is wrong.

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Ashburn, Va.: I think there is something wrong with "Get Fuzzy" as a couple of the talk bubbles are blank on my screen or something with the site. Regardless, I don't get it -- and still wouldn't if the text was there.

Gene Weingarten: No, that's the POINT. Technical difficulties.

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Washington, D.C.: "You would like to think that beneath the forbidding scowl of post-9/11 America, and despite the dark side, that a lot of people understand that Hunter S. Thompson was a great American."

The Post's appreciation looks like the best piece so far by anyone who didn't actually work with him (Tom Wolfe and Ralph Steadman, that is).

Anything to say?

Gene Weingarten: I cannot say a single thing that would not make me sound like a shallow, ignorant moron, next to what Henry wrote.

Of course, I have that problem a lot.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,
I am a Democrat. I told my Republican husband that he wouldn't like your column on Sunday and cringed when he picked it up, knowing he would fume at the liberal media. He laughed at loud. An hour later, he suddenly laughed again, muttered something from your column, and shook his head. Well done.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Thank you. Most of the mail has been like Sue Rosenthal's, only less amusing.

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Test pattern?: I am 27. What is a test pattern? Is it like a screen saver?

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. Yes. The way a computer is like a TV set and a typewriter!

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Chicago, Ill.: As a banker to the food processing industry, and having visited many of the plants in which your Denny's breakfast was produced, it is pretty easy to explain how your breakfast was so cheap, but also extremely boring.

Gene Weingarten: Email me. I'd like to know, actually. In New York, a cup of coffee is $5.

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Circumference is Irrelevant, Dr. Science: In this case, diameter matters a lot more than circumference. The only thing that matters is whether or not her hips (or other largest part--woo hoo!;) could fit through the rim.

The hooks holding the net, by the way, don't extend into the rim, but the net itself is generally strong nylon and might itself catch on her hands, so the fists make sense.

Gene Weingarten: Well, see, this was Von Drehle's point.

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Silver Spring: Susan Rosenthal writes, "Don't quit your day job..." Isn't your day job writing a humor column? So isn't she really saying, "keep up the good work, Gene?"

Gene Weingarten: Good point!

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Toon Town Dummy: Which Gene is pictured in the top right corner of thhis week's illustration? I feel so dumb.....

Gene Weingarten: No one seems to know. Neither do I. Anybody? The artist?

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RE: Get Fuzzy: Is the joke (if one can call it that) that they are talking about which animals to eat and that the sensors have stepped in and stopped the discussion? If so, the comic is about censorship. But it is still not funny or amusing. I would give it the LFCPOW (Least Funny CPOW).

Gene Weingarten: Well, if it is about censorship, there would be no reason for the fuzzy (!) writing before it. I call upon Darby or Stephan to explain this.

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Former cheerleader, Washington, D.C. : A couple things come to mind. One is that we are assuming it's a regulation-size hoop, which it may not be. Two, since this is a marketing gimmick (go to the site listed at the end), it decreases the likelihood they would spend the time finding the five athletes that could do it -- Best Buy (sponsor) has a few people at corporate that could modify the movie.

Gene Weingarten: That is my assumption, too. If so, it is very well done.

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Gymnasi-hmmm...: I think the gymnast video is real. That woman is also very petite. Their reaction, though silly, might not be scripted. How happy would you be if you threw a small woman through a basketball hoop? Butt-slapping happy, that's how happy. I wonder, though, how they rehearsed the stunt. I assume they practiced with some softer hoop or something. (Like beginning pole vaulters using rope instead of a fiberglass bar.)

Gene Weingarten: Well, no. If they really practiced a long time, then their reaction, and in particular, the setup, WAS scripted. If they practiced, they KNEW they could do it, and all that waffling ahead of time was for show.

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Slamduh, NC, a.k.a., IDIOT: Uhm, do you think they might've, oh, I don't know, TAPED MULTIPLE ATTEMPTS AT THE STUNT AND ONLY RELEASED THE ONE WHERE IT WORKED?

If in fact you believe the stunt is real.

Von Drehle is the opposite of an idiot.

Gene, you are fantastic.

Poop.

Gene Weingarten: So, you think they did it dozens of times, and, like, didn't use the one where the poor little kid, like, HAD THE HOOP CATCH HER IN THE CROTCH?

No, this was not a trial and error thing. If real.

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Easy: In Ithaca, land isn't $10,000/square foot to lease. Hence your $5 cup of coffee in New York (city I infer)

I'm sure if you buy 10 billion eggs you get a hefty discount. The people in the back, those serving you and the rest of the staff aren't exactly making money hand over fist. Plus, not everyone is an astute breakfasteer as you. Some waddle in for an egg and toast and pitch over $2.00 or so.

They know what they're doing.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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Washington, D.C.: It's entirely possible that the ad creators knew about the stunt group beforehand and then created the advertisement around them.

Gene Weingarten: It is. This is possible.

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Top Right Gene: It's Gene Siskel, of Siskel and Ebert. I was actually thinking that the person who drew him did a good job because, although Siskel had a rather non-descript look, the cartoon captures something that makes him identifiable. Or maybe I'm just some kind of aged loser who's capable of identifying someone who's been dead for many years.

Gene Weingarten: Sorry, I am not looking at it. People are confused by the other one.

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Vienna, Va.: Ok, I'll be the idiot twenty-something who doesn't get it: Who is the non-Simmons, non-Shalit, non-Weingarten Gene in this week's drawing?

Gene Weingarten: This one.

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Test Patterns: I found it funny.

Trivia:

A test pattern is (was) actually used to test the transmitter and TV. The tone was an exact frequency and those circles and lines had exact specifications. Instead of an expensive test generator a repairman could check out a TV at 2 a.m., after the stations went off the air.

washingtonpost.com: Pretty neat.

Nerdo.

Gene Weingarten: Repairmen were working at 2 am?

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Not to get too political...: but hey, you started it. The problem with Candorville is that South Vietnam turned out pretty okay. Don't you think? I'll be thrilled if Iraq turns out like South Vietnam.

Gene Weingarten: Well, yes. But wait, did we link to the wrong Candorville? the CPOW is this past Sunday's.

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Washington, D.C.: Watch closely. She doesn't appear to go through the basket. The action is swift, and something looks wrong.

Gene Weingarten: I freeze framed that sucker, and couldn't see anything wrong. Though it is very fast.

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Slamhuh, NC: No, von Drehle is still an idiot: even assuming that the crew could rehearse the move with a soft target for days on end, there's simply no way to launch the gymnast with that degree of accuracy. Physics mandate that she can't change or control her direction -- that's determined by the launch crew -- and the dimensions are such that no amount of practice would make the "shot" possible on the first real try; she'd almost certainly be wearing bandages from the first several attempts before ever sailing through.

Gene Weingarten: And you base this on... what?

Any gymnasts out there?

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Genes: The non-Simmons, non-Weingarten, non-Shalit Gene is Gene Siskel, like the poster said.

Gene Weingarten: Gotcha. This seems to be right. Sorry.

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Millersville, Md.: Ok, so we're out to dinner, nice place, and my hubby notices that I have the napkin placed completely across my lap. He said that he only places it on one leg (the left). We looked around at other diners, and guess what?! The women had the napkin across the entire lap, guys just on the left leg. Why? Why wouldn't they cover their entire lap? Don't they care that they could spill on their exposed right leg? What are your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: Hm. I shall have to notice this. It would suggest that to men, placing a napkin on one's lap is obligatory behavior, practiced grudgingly. And to women it is simply necessary behavior, practiced practically. Makes sense.

I also am guessing there is an analogy in toilet behavior.

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Santa Fe, N.M.: What type of humor will come to be known as "Simpsonian" (which is obviously, regardless of last week's poster, the best sitcom ever.)?

Gene Weingarten: It's not a sitcom.

Basically, I think Simpsonian behavior is Homeric. He is the show. I know, I know. There are plenty of other fabulous characters. But if you deconstruct it carefully, the whole think revolves around his personality.

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Is the Doctor, IN: You've already updated for Wednesday so it is too late for you to send me into a tailspin before my appt with the neurologist tomorrow.

This morning, I suddenly had a strong taste in my mouth. I got a flashlight and looked in my mouth in the mirror and OH MY GOD my palate had partially collapsed. I feel OK, so I am not panicing too much. I go to work, leave a message for my NP. Get a call that I should come in at 1 p.m. I do. At the point my palate looks pretty normal, just a little asymetrical. However, the rest of her exam indicates that there is something wrong with the nerves on the left side of my face. Turns out I can't really lift my eyebrows and there is minor (I can't see it) drooping by my left eye.

What the hell is wrong with me?

p.s. I do not have sleep apnea or use botox.

Gene Weingarten: I would like to hear from this person again, because I am worried. It is the taste in your mouth that is a clue to something that concerns me. If you did not see the neurologist, you must.

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Portland, OR not...?: Gene, I just discovered your column/chat yesterday, though you have been mentioned numerous times in Hax's chat of which I am an avid reader. Two things... Wow, you keep Liz waaaay busier (at least from the external point of view) than Carolyn does. Great job Liz, I'd have strangled him by now.

Two, Gene, I really love your view of life. You have an amazingly wonderful cynical viewpoint that is so stinking refreshing... I read the "bunny story," sad one, but highly relatable to me as I skipped a grade and was faced with the same social choices of dealing with "peers" older than myself. Unlike you though, I didn't discover the joy of poop until I my freshman year of college and realized most of the "important" things in life are laughable. Thanks for sharing your unique point of view to the rest of us oddballs.

By the way, "For Better or For Worse" married Irving when April was born. Up till then, the story was a reflection of Lynn's life. Once she added April, she went outside her experiences into pure fantasy.

Also, I'd be interested to find out if other readers feel as I do that Dilbert has married Irving, and if so when?

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

I have to say, I don't think Dilbert has married Irving. I still find it fresh and often startling. But others have expressed your views.

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washingtonpost.com: Candorville -- the correct one.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: How many people out there didn't immediately understand that the cartoons were of Gene Shalit, Gene Siskel, Gene Simmons of Kiss, and some doofy guy reading about poop? Just taking a poll here. Were they the same people who didn't understand this week's Style Invitational winners?

Gene Weingarten: Um, um, I didn't know Siskel.

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One leg napkin: I am a guy and when I put my napkin on one leg, it is because I like to sit with my legs apart, and centering the napkin would cause it to fall through. I assume women would not have the same issue.

Gene Weingarten: Women, to my knowledge, wear pants with some frequency. Wait a minute. Do women keep their legs closer together, when wearing pants?

You, do, don't you?????

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Too much science: For this video to be real, there would have to be an extreme amount of physics done beforehand to plot out how to get her through the hoop without killing or severely maiming her. The angle at which to throw her, distance from the hoop, height in the air, force that must be used to propel her high enough, but not too high, etc. I seriously doubt those meatheads in the video are up to all that. Unless Stephen Hawking was involved in the planning and execution of this stunt, I think it was digitally altered.

washingtonpost.com: Come on people -- I know you can bring the Flash into this somehow.

Gene Weingarten: hahahaha.

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I you them we us, ME: Bush said "It's me against the world. Fortunately, the world is on my side."

I tried to grasp the Zen secret behind that koan, but it just made my head hurt so I had to lie down. He also refused to admit marijuana usage, which sheds a whole new light on his refusal to admit error in Iraq -- he's currently got the windows open and is spraying the Oval Office with air freshener to get the Doobie/WMD smell out. PLease tell me he's not really President.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, it made me laugh out loud, too.

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Etymologene: Gene,

Since "marrying Irving" was recently coined here, and I believe "julatto" (sp?) was previously, was wondering if you had also thought yourself the creator of "aptonym."

I only ask because on the Web site fun-with-words.com I came across the following:

"Aptronym -- A person's name that matches it's owner's occupation or character very well (either in fiction or reality); e.g. arctic explorer Will Snow, hairdresser Dan Druff.
From apt (=suitable); coined by Franklin P. Adams."

Which leads me to the question: Who is he?

Gene Weingarten: Franklin P. Adams is a famous wit, famous for saying clever, pithy things. He was our Ben Franklin, from the first part of the 20th century. He was also a poet, I think. He said, "This country doesn't need a good five-cent cigar. We have goood five-cent cigars; the problem is, they cost a quarter. What we need is a good five-cent nickel."

I didn't know he invented the term aptronym, but it doesn't surprise me. Among word nerds, there is some debate over whether the term should be "aptonym" or "aptronym," and, as I recall, google is pretty much split down the middle.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, and I never claimed to have invented "aptonym." I didn't. It long precedes me. Some years ago, I did get into an email debate with Safire on aptonym v. aptronym, to the satisfaction of neither of us.

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West Hartford, Conn.: Stuever's excellent article was syndicated to the Hartford Courant, which is how I found this forum. RE: Marrying Irving, does anyone follow the strip "Funky Winkerbean?" For years it was a dismal, lite-comedy strip about a high school and its students and faculty. A year or so ago, the artist changed his drawing style so that the characters looked somewhat more realistic, less soft and cartoonish, if you will. And the storylines, which were headed in this direction anyways, became issue-oriented and basically downers, regarding war casualties, DUI accidents that severed limbs, cancer survivors bravely muddling on, etc. I may be the only person in the country who still bothers reading this strip, like "Cathy," it was always a chore. Now, it is only interesting in that it has become a different animal. But still rarely funny.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I have looked, and this is correct. Another poster (or perhaps you, under a different name) made a similar observation, saying that "Funky Winkerbean" married Irving when it became "For Better or For Worse."

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Re: Collapsed Palate: Sounds to me like Bell's Palsy, which thankfully is a temporary condition.

Gene Weingarten: Really? Well, good. An odd taste in one's mouth can also be a presenting symptom of a stroke.

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The Correct Candorville: Shoulda stuck with the Vietnam one. Neither one is funny, but at least the Vietnam one was coherent.

Gene Weingarten: This one is totally coherent.

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Chicago, Ill.: Basically, the cheapness of your breakfast comes down to two factors. The first is the fact that the American farmer produces far more food than he should, so the raw ingredients to your breakfast are much cheaper than they would be in a free market, unless of course you also count your tax bill.

Secondly, Most of Denny's foods now come pre-cooked off of an assembly line of a number of different factories and are basically cooked by being re-heated in the back of the restaurant, thus they require even less skill to prepare than McDonald's. The only really intersting thing to watch being made are the deli meats they serve at lunch, because basically they become frozen ham-flavored slushies before being shaped into their slicing blocks. If you want a tour, I would suggest contacting Simeus Foods, International, as they make a good chunk of Denny's' food.

Unfortunately, watching sausage being made isn't remotely interesting and the person who said that you would never want to watch it being made was obviously absurdly squeamish about seeing dead animal parts. For a real disgusting treat, I highly suggest visiting a rendering plant.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Reston, Va.: Your chats are way funnier than your column.

Gene Weingarten: And you are waay funnier here than when at work, at the rendering plant.

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Cheerlead, ER: It's a fake. The tossing of the girl is real, but the backboard is not. The tipoff is the fact that she changes her angle of descent as she is dropping. Look at her as she "goes through the basket" -- it happens real fast, but her body is contorted in a way that is not possible. The rubbing of her head afterwards is a good fakeout for the lesser mortals out there.

The ad is, essentially, bull poop.

Gene Weingarten: Just looks to me as though she is kicking her legs out with praeternatural speed, as she goes through the hoop. A terrific athlete might.

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Bethesda, Md.: Dilbert has definitely changed over the years, but it is still good, IMO. Can't think offhand of any other strip that's managed that.

Gene Weingarten: Doonesbury. Still great.

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Alexandria, Va.: I hate to say it, but Sunday's For Better or For Worse has to be a CPOW nominee. I am the same person who swore off reading FBFW as a New Year's resolution, but I read through everything on Sundays, and that "mail must go through" pun was great and unexpected.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this was actually good.

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Warrenton, Va.: With your medical expertise, you must have noticed the radio commercial for the Washington Hospital Center. It says to pinch your straw while drinking a soda and imagine that the straw is the blood vessel going from your heart to the rest of your body; then you will understand coronary artery disease. Shouldn't people promoting themselves as the experts on treating this condition know that the coronary arteries go to the heart muscle, not the rest of the body. (It's the aorta that goes to the rest of the body.) Could you please publicly mock them so they have to stop this?

Gene Weingarten: Well, if you define a "coronary artery" as an artery that goes from the art, the aorta is a coronary artery, no?

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Freeze Fra, ME: When I tried the freeze frame thing, I found one where it seems her hand is outside the rim, and, therefore, her arm should have been ripped off.

Gene Weingarten: Anyone else see this? This would be proof. I didn't.

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Bicycle Land: The Empress has a lot of nerve asking that rhetorical question, considering her choice of the winner. The obvious winner was Gloria Steinem's Wedding, sponsored by Mrs. Paul's and Schwinn.

And no, I didn't submit it.

Gene Weingarten: Clever, but a bit stretchy as an "event," no?

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Baltimore, Md.: Alright, is it just me, or is anyone else surprised by the people who think the basketball hoop video must be fake because it would require too much physics. This is a little like suggesting that people can't actually walk, because the equations for figuring out exactly which muscles to move are too complicated... or, come to think of it, like saying that Michael Jordan's greatness was the physics it took to figure out how to make those shots go in. Now, I'm not taking a position on whether the video is real, it just seems ridiculous to think that it is impossible because of the physics calculations it would require!

Gene Weingarten: That is Von Drehle's point. I am still up in the air, as it were.

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PA, ndora's Basket:: For what it's worth, Dan Rather maintains that he believes the video is real, despite all the chatter in the blogosphere.

And not only is Mike Cisnero's depiction of Siskel hard to spot, he also failed to capture the essence of Shalit, in that his mouth was not agape, dispensing inanities. But, man, oh man, did he nail -you- Weingarten!;

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHA.

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Marrying Irving: "Non Sequitur" married Irving when Danae brought home that dang pony. I never read the strip when I spot the horse in it. The honeymoon is over.

Gene Weingarten: Excellent point. I meant to make it last week. The horse is killing that strip. Another example of a strip screwing itself by going for "cute."

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re: Doctor, IN: This patient does NOT have Bell's palsy, but does have other cranial nerve dysfunction that requires prompt evaluation. This person should be seen in the ER.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Are you listening, patient?

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Re: Is the doctor in: This individual needs to go directly to the emergency room because it sounds like they are having a stroke, also called CVA. This is very, very, serious.

If that post was some sort of joke, IT WASN'T FUNNY SO STOP WASTING OUR TIME!

And don't scare Gene like that again.

Gene Weingarten: Right. My point. I believe that post, for certain reasons.

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American Heritage Dictionary: Coronary Artery:

Either of two arteries that originate in the aorta and supply blood to the muscular tissue of the heart.

Gene Weingarten: Thanky.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene - the basketball scene is fake. There is nothing suppoting the backboard and the hoop. There is nothing behing the basket or coming down from the ceiling to support it. The backboard in hoop were drawn in over the stunt to appear as if the woman is going through the hoop. The backboard needs support; it can't just float in the air.

Gene Weingarten: I can't see it right now. Is this true?

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll. There isn't much to say. You did real well. The best brevity, and the most audacious, was the DO NOT TOUCH one. Many of you did not get it. That's Braille underneath the sign. And yes, the Newsweek was the second best. You did not give enough credit to Antigravity, which was third best, and quite good.

The rest were fairly weak, which underscores the largest flaw: This strip is still too inconsistent. It will probably get better. It is a good new strip - both wacky and clever, which are the two correct answers. Its second biggest problem is its art, which is at this point too weak, at times really lame. I have asked Liz to link to last week's "Freckles' strip, below. Check out that leg.

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washingtonpost.com: Brevity, (Feb. 14)

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Dale City, Va.: That spelling story was pretty funny in your magazine. But I'm doubtful he can be that bad and make it at the Post. Does he have a restraining order against PtheP?

washingtonpost.com: Ask him yourself at 2 p.m. ET: Steve Hendrix, (Live Online)

Gene Weingarten: You know who tend to be bad spellers? Cartoonists. The Syndicates have their hands full.

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Hypochondr,IA: My husband has had, over the past four years, bouts of unexplained crushing fatigue that can last from a week to a month. During these times he is constantly exhausted, lightheaded, and while he can function, drags himself throug the day. Then, as mysteriously as they appear, the fatigue lifts. He has no other symptoms. During these periods he will go to the doctor, who will order blood work (which is always normal). I told him he should have an MRI, because this type of episodic fatigue may be a early sign of MS. He says he thinks it's just Seasonal Effective Disorder (of course, he has gotten this in the summer, but he seems to forget that). What could he have?

Gene Weingarten: There is a who subspecies of physicians who will happily treat your husband for "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome."

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Coronary Arteries: Gene Weingarten: Well, if you define a "coronary artery" as an artery that goes from the art, the aorta is a coronary artery, no?

Huh? No, the coronary arteries are specific blood vessels that come off the heart--to FEED the heart muscle itself. A pretty neat concept when you first learn about it. Yep, the heart needs its own blood supply. Anyway, these are the arteries one would have replace in "bypass surgery," or nowadays pried open in angioplasty.

Gene Weingarten: Right, right, right. I am guilty of brain flatulence.

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More Fuzzy: I got the test pattern -- I'm 32 -- but only because I recognized it from the "Pleasantville" movie.

Gene Weingarten: A superior movie.

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Gene Weingarten: Hey, we are about to break the one-hour record for most questions to a regularly scheduled chat! I cannot disclose what that record is, but I think we are about to break it.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: The Gloria Steinem entry was totally legit, given that the entry could refer to either a historical event or a famous person's life.

The competition was very tough this week, and the Gloria idea was submitted in two different entries. And, clever as it was, if a reader didn't know the one quotation it was based on, he couldn't even guess at its meaning.

Gene Weingarten: No reader of the Style Invitational would be unfamiliar with that quote, IMHO.

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Gymnasi-hmmmm aga, IN: The basket is hung like many gym basketball hoops -- from the ceiling with metal poles. You can see them in the video. I guess they could still be fake, but I don't think so.

I maintain the video is real and the reaction is plausibly real. Maybe I'm a sucker, but I'm also not following them to that web site nor do I care what they want my money for.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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Woodley Park, Washington, D.C.: Dug out a box of childhood paraphenalia from the parents' attic this weekend ... among the contents were the first four Garfield books and two stuffed toys: Garfield and Odie. I almost packed them up to send to you, but I figured you might already have the books (you have a B.C. collection!), and the possible dust mites in the toys might set off some sort of hypchondriac frenzy. So the books are going to charity and the toys are in the trash. Did I do the Right Thing?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, you did!

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Potomac, Md.: Everyone should have watched "Live From New York: The First Five Years of Saturday Night Live" on NBC last night. It is an excellent documentary. It's too bad, though, that Bill Murray and Jane Curtin didn't participate. Their absence was notable. And kudos to everyone else, including John Belushi's widow, who did participate, which included just about everybody who worked on the show in thos great, groundbreaking first five years -- producers, executives, writers, filmmakers, musicians, guest hosts, and, of course, Dan Akroyd, Garrett Morris, Chevy Chase and Lorraine Newman. (John Belushi and Gilda Radner, sadly, passed away in the ensuing years.) One special note of congratulations must go to Eric Idle, who was smart, funny and eloquent throughout, and who provided the perfect commentary in bright, upbeat and insightful words.

Gene Weingarten: Tragically, I missed this. But the era was the best in TV comedy. I contend that Murray is overrated. I am saying this mostly to spur some Lizsputter.

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Your Choice of Downer: Would you rather have deep regret, or lost hope?

My wife chose the latter, on the basis that deep regret will always be with you, and has already happened; thus, it cannot be remedied. I chose the former, since "lost hope" implies that nothing will ever improve, and you would be, in essence, doomed.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, lost hope is much worse. You kidding me? You can drown out deep regret with a serious drunk.

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For fatigued: He might have sleep apnea

Gene Weingarten: But would this be cyclical? Well, maybe, if he has periods of worse apnea, right?

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Chat Reco, RD: The chat record is fake. The physics required to enable enough people to submit enough questions in a one hour period is beyond our capabilities. Unless The Flash is submitting questions.

Gene Weingarten: Liz informs me that we are still about 30 short of the record, with only four minutes to go. Not gonna make it!

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Hotda, MN: The Basket.

For what it's worth - those guys are not gymnasts. At least two of them are carrying fair sized paunches.

Gene Weingarten: Well, they could be woman-hurler cheerleader types, no?

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Arlington, Va.: Perhaps the hoop-commercial's launch team simply threw the girl into the air, and then Flash jumped up, caught her, dropped her straight down through the hoop, and then kept going at super-speed that doesn't show up on the video.

Yeah, THAT's the ticket...

Gene Weingarten: If the Flash CAUGHT her, you'd see it. Duuuuuuh.

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Re SNL: Jane Curtain was underrated. With her totally-deadpan delivery, she set a standard for phony newscasters that will never be equalled.

Gene Weingarten: She was good only in opposition to Ackroyd, who was great. We just broke the record. Congratulations to all of us!

Okay, I am gone for the next two weeks and, sadly, will not be updating for the rest of this week. A long, cold, trip awaits.

See you in early March. And thanks.

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Washington, D.C.: I contend that you threw that "Murray is overrated" comment out there solely to draw the ire of chatters, and thereby cause a deluge of "Gene's an idiot" posts that would push you over the posts-per-chat record.

Because there's no way that you actually can say that Murray is overrated.

washingtonpost.com: Gene is sadly immune to the wonderful talent that is Bill Murray.

Gene Weingarten: Murray is good. And overrated.

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