Stay-At-Home Parents and Teens

Some parents have quit working to be at home around their teens. Some experts say that the teen years are the ideal time for parents to be around. According to Neil Bernstein, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in the District and author of "How to Keep Your Teenagers Out of Trouble: And What to Do If You Don't" (Dimensions, 2001), a close relationship between parent and child results in more well-adjusted children. "Increased parental involvement early in adolescence pays great dividends later on," says Bernstein. A Time to Come Home(Post, Oct. 12)

Join Neil Bernstein, Ph.D. online Wednesday, Oct. 13, at 10 a.m. ET to answer questions about stay-at-home parents and teens.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: Hi: This is Dr. BErnstein author of How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can't. I'm looking forward to responding to your inquiries. I'm happy to speak about any issues regarding the Post article or questions you may have regarding concerns about your teen.

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Frederick, Md.: If part of adolescence is a second phase of separation and individuation, how can parents continue to support their child's moral and spiritual development during this time in their lives?

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: Make sure and talk to your child regularly. Don't be judgmental and try to listen carefully as well as talk. Pick up on their subtle cues: i.e. do you have aminute? or perhaps they just hang around you. In short, you have to seize the moment! As you know the payoffs are immense for paretns who are well-connected with their children. Once they're away at college, you'll have to rely on the foundation you've built over the years.

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Maryland: Dr. Bernstein,
If your child has had behavior/acting out problems in the early teen years, would it be effective for parents or grandparents to be around during the rest of the teen years? Or would that be too late?

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: It's never to late to get involved with your teenager. Behavior problems have many causes, but often they're a plea for attention, or a need for more supervision. Of course, most teens won't directly ask for what they want or need so you'll have to read the signs. Sadly, some teens feel that negative attention is better than no attention at all--so be on guard for this. I've worked with many older teens who responded well to their parents increased involvement--even though it took a while to get used to it. So, don't ever give up on them. Remind them thta you care and you'll do what you can to be a a part of their lives.

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Washington, D.C.: Dr. Bernstein,

I have a teenage son who I am trying to re-connect with. He is always out of the house due to several school activities, athletics and clubs etc. I encouage him to be active but fear it is tearing our relationship apart. Any suggestions? I have tried to set up some time for us, but he's not really into that...

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: Many teens resist doing things with their parents. It's as if they're always to busy. But don't give up on him. Of course, he'd probably rather spend time with his friends, but you can use that to your advantage. Invite him to bring a friend along with you--to a ball game, dinner,intersting event,or even vacation! You may feel like you're compromising, but it's a nice bridge to entering their life and getting them more involved with yours--something which you can build on. Further, sometimes you may need to do something with them that holds little interest for you,but shows them that you care. Look hard, and you'll probably be able to find something. Some other options: going to a music store, book signing of an athlete, movie star...or looking at colleges (in advance...) But never ever give up. THey'll complain you're pushy but eventually they get our drift.

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Montgomery Village, Md. mom: I read the article in the Post and understand that it is important to reemphasize spending time with your children all the way through childhood including teen years. However, I don't believe this necessitates staying home with your kids. Many children including teens are too overscheduled during weekday evenings and weekend days. I think it's important to take a step back and see how much of all this activity is important and how much is just cutting into family time. I think it's very important for teens to see both their mother and father succeeding in a work environment but also making time for their kids. Every family is different so choices are different. It doesn't mean that because two parents work they are not supervising and remaining close to their kids.

washingtonpost.com: A Time to Come Home(Post, Oct. 12)

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: You're absolutely right. Parents can not and should not try to do everything. Yes many kids are overscheduled and this can cut into what little family time we have. THis issue of prioritizing is major and all of us must make difficult decisions. I firmly believe that quality is far more important than quantity and I cetainly don't advocate that most parents stay home with their teen--although it is always an option, and occasionally a necessity. I've worked with kids whose parent stays home and they get in trouble anyway--so it's really about much more than just being there. Specifically, the quality of the relationsships, type of supervision, amount of trust, and degree to which the teen functions independently.

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Central, Mass.: We have a 14 year old boy w/ADHD. He can be an angel and the sweetest kid when he wants to, but he is constantly doing dumb things. Lying, stealing, saying inappropriate things, not getting homework done, etc. The list goes on. He knows better. We are having a tough time with consequences. How many more times can we ground him. He is enjoying HS and is starting to feel the pain, so we hope that will have its effect. Any suggestions.

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: Punishment isn't always the best teacher, although I would never shy away from it. Sounds like your son has a problem with self-control and good judgment, both of which can be worked on successfully. Sometimes, it's worth tryingthe "tomorrows a new day approach". I can't provide more detail in this answer but suggest you consider getting a hold of my book where these issues are covered in great detail. And yes, ADD kids often require that extra effort and can try our patience. But stay the course, there's often a happy ending!

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Silver Spring, Md.: Dr. Bernstein,
My daughter is a freshman in a high school which is outside our school district and is having a hard time in making friends...how can I help?

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: This is a tough one, but I don't want to avoid the issue. Bear in mind that there are many possible explanations for this. Some kids are shy and need a little more help and practice being assertive--try role playing situations with her. It can also be useful to help your child find a niche--that is something she's good at that will help her connect with others. Also, I've known of many girls who were not that athletic and joined a freshman team just to connect with others (e.g. crew, track, etc.)--it really works. 9th graders are pretty cliquey but there's often room for someone with shared interests. Other ideas: school paper, volunteer work, etc. Contact your school counselor for further ideas about a how a new kid can make social inroads. They deal with this frequently. Good luck! I know how hard it is to watch our suffer form their perceived social ostracism. But thank goodness, it's not a terminal condition.

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Houston, Tex.: My husband & I try to always be aware of my son's activities & his friends. He says that we are being "overprotective". I want him to have his space, yet at the same time, we'd like to know what he's up to & with whom he is hanging out. Any suggestions?

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: You're right in wanting to keep track of your son's whereabouts and I don't know whether there's any legitimacy to his compalints. But, if a young person is consistently behaving responsibly it is not necessary to track every single thing that they do. Too much watching can fuel anger and rebellion, but if it's justified your son will just have to make the connection between behaving responsibly and getting more freedom. Talk about this with him and see if you can come up with a mutually agreed upon way to determine how much supevision he really needs.

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Washington, D.C.: Of course it's a great idea to stay home during the teen years, but what about folks who need two working parents? Economically if we want to send two kids to college my husband and I both have to work. Sometimes, working from home is not an option. I get home about an hour after my kids' school lets out. They have sports until fairly late at night.

How do you find a way to make the time after work/school/practice important, even if you have 'less time' than you would have if you stayed home.

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: Quality is more important than quantity. If your time is limited you need to set aside "sacred time" for parent-child activities. And make sure your child has your undivided attention when you're with her. As long as they know we care about them, are interested in their lives, and will find a way to make ourselves available when they really need us, things should turn out okay.

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Rockville, Md.: A lot of teens have so much pressure now with sex appeal. Do you think stay at home parents help them through peer pressure or deter them and make them succumb to peer pressure (i.e. rebeling against parents)?

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: We're all concerned about peer pressure. Staying at home or not staying at home is not the crucial ingredient here.What really helps teens resist peer pressure is a sense of pride, teaching them good judgment, teaching them to say "no" to a risky situation, and talking to them about what a "real friend does"--and it's not trying to get you to do stupid things thta you'll be sorry about afterwards. The better connected kids are to their parents, the less likely they are to succumb to negative peer pressure!

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Do you have any suggestions on how I can link up with other parents of teens. My child tells me so little about their friends, I'm hoping to get connected with their friends' parents.

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: GReat question. The best ways to connect with other parents is through the PTA, meeting them at school sports events,summer swim pools, and school socials, if they have them. Sometimes, you'll just need to call a parent of your childs' friends and introduce yourself. You don't have to apologize for being concerned and responsible. You'd be surprised how receptive other parents are to hearing from you. Sometimes we're too shy about this and let our kids guilt us into not calling.

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Washington, D.C.: Dr. Bernstein -- My daugher is 14 and a high school freshman. She is very responsible, organized, an excellent student and seemingly quite contented with her life. I feel fortunate to be her mom. But she's very private about her social life -- won't discuss boys she likes, etc. I keep track of her comings and goings, so I know her girlfriends, but should I press her more about boys? She's such a great kid, I feel like I should just let her have her privacy on this, but I'm also not sure that's the best/right thing to do as a caring parent. Thanks.

Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: 14 is an awkward age. Many kids are private (with their parents) about their social lives but will talk to their friends at length. Try telling your daughter stories about when you were her age or asking about her friends rather than herself. Young teens will often reveal a lot when talking about their friends. And, be patient.

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Neil Bernstein, Ph.D.: Thanks so much for your intelligent and relevant questions.
I'm heartened to know there are so many readers who are deeply concerned about their teens. My apologies to those whose questions I couldn't respond too. There were just way too many questions and too little time.
Dr. Neil Bernstein

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