Starting Lineup

The all-star lineups were announced yesterday and, not surprisingly, no Orioles pitcher was included. Our guess is that the Baltimore front office sat through "Spider-Man 2" not cheering for the web-slinger, but for his nemesis, Doc Ock. How good would someone who possesses not one, but eight powerful arms look in a Birds uniform? In any case, it seems quite a few people are looking to the Marvel posse for role models.

Enchantress, Britney Spears: "I kissed a bunch of frogs and finally found my prince," says the lovebird. So Frogs are bad and Princes are good -- sounds like a Defense Department briefing.

Human Torch, Andy Roddick: Appears to pass gas during men's final. All part of the "Break Wind at Wimbledon" tradition.

Invisible Woman, Serena Williams: Loses crown at All England club to Maria Sharapova. However, Serena contests the result, claiming she is still the hottest babe in tennis.

Daredevil, Derek Jeter: Mashes his mug while diving into the stands. He's finally catching up to Nomar, who's been falling on his face for weeks.

Gambit, Mase: Invites us to "Welcome Back" former P. Diddy sidekick, and it feels like old times: Same look, same flow, same blatant rip-off of someone else's hit song.

Agent X, A BCS Official: Anonymous source says cabal might give more weight to the human polls, perhaps by granting a vote to Michael Moore.

Kingpin, Mike Krzyzewski: Said to be conferring with family on job offer from Lakers. Coach K is particularly interested in how his wife would feel about him dating Jeanie Buss.

Ghost Rider, Jeff Gordon: Wins NASCAR race with drafting help from Jimmie Johnson. Meantime, the Wizards seem to be relying on expertise of Barry Switzer.

Juggernaut, Lance Armstrong: Says questions about drug use and his ability to win sixth Tour de France have left him "plenty motivated." And we all know how dangerous a disgruntled postal worker can be.

Vision, Otto Rehhagel: Greek soccer coach leads team to shocking win in European Championship but employed dull and dismal style. Yet again, it felt like the Greeks would never be finished.

Benched: Bob Brenly, Ja Rule, Anna Kournikova, Yankees' intestines, Red Sox' guts, American hot dog eaters.