Britney Spears, Reality Artiste

"It's going to be an exciting ride," Britney Spears says of the inside look viewers will get. (Yuriko Nakao -- Reuters)

Yeah, cry me a river, Britney.

"As I mentioned before, I am now going to be expressing my personal life through art. This series will show us falling in love and all the adventures that went on overseas during the European leg of my 'Onyx Hotel' tour. It's going to be an exciting ride."

And, of course, artistic.

Federline, a former backup dancer before becoming Mr. Britney Spears, and a man of few words -- seriously -- said, "It is a documentation of love."

We Watch So You Don't Have To:

Hey -- let's put on a show!

It's Broadway tunes week on "American Idol."

Our show opens with the villain, Scott Savol, as the would-be pop star who was once arrested for allegedly threatening the mother of his child, trying to snatch the baby and throwing his cell phone, which hit the woman so hard it broke, according to news reports. One anger management class later, he's on the "American Idol" stage, singing "Impossible Dream" from "Man of La Mancha." The lyrics -- you know, all that stuff about "fighting unbeatable foes" -- take on creepy overtones when sung by Savol. More bad when he finishes the song and stands there punching his fist into his other palm, like he's waiting to hit a judge if he says something unpleasant about him.

On the other hand, it could have been worse. He could have sung something from "Phantom of the Opera."

In the nick of time arrives our hero, Constantine Maroulis, singing "My Funny Valentine" from "Babes in Arms," and later, "Pal Joey." Judge Paula Abdul swoons; when she comes to, she admits she has fallen in love with Constantine. So have we; so has judge Simon Cowell, who says Constantine does the best job of pouting at the camera of any "American Idol" contestant ever. It's true.

The producers have adjusted Paula's medication so that, although she still seems stoned, she is no longer flapping her arms like a seal.

Enter: Carrie Underwood, singing "Hello, Young Lovers" from "The King and I" while wearing one of Harriet Nelson's party dresses. Simon says she looks like a washing powder commercial from 1965. This starts a discussion among the judges as to exactly what is washing powder. On the other hand, she didn't sing anything from "Phantom."

Enter: Vonzell Solomon, singing "People" from "Funny Girl." Somewhere, booted contestant Mikalah Gordon is cutting herself.

Enter: Tracheotomy Boy, taking the role of Mother Superior, singing "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" from "The Sound of Music," while looking like the von Trapp kid the family agreed to leave behind. It's confusing and, according to Simon, who, let's face it, is the only judge worth listening to anymore, "hideous." On the other hand, Anthony Fedorov didn't sing anything from "Phantom."

Ozzie Smith Jr., stage name Nikko Smith, croons his way through "One Hand, One Heart" from "West Side Story," which is not really a song that should be crooned. Simon says that Smith, like other members of this little troupe, likes to hit big notes at the end of each song in hopes the judges do not hear the first part of the song, which was out of tune. On the other hand, Smith didn't sing anything from "Phantom."

Enter: Anwar Robinson. "You seemed very comfortable," Simon says after Anwar sings "If Ever I Would Leave You" from "Camelot." Why doesn't Simon just come out and say, "You're such a stage-door queen," which is what he really means -- kind of like how he was always telling Clay Aiken his performances were too "Broadway" on an earlier edition of "Idol."

Enter: Rocker Bo Bice, singing "Corner of the Sky" from "Pippin." Simon calls it "a mess" and says he's going in "the wrong direction."

"It's show tunes!" Paula shrieks.

Finally, Nadia Turner, in a stunning white gown, brings down the curtain with the touching love song "As Long as He Needs Me" from "Oliver!" It's a great way to end our show, except Nadia can't stop doing that snarling thing with her mouth, like she's a vixen, which is great if you're singing "Whatever Lola Wants" from "Damn Yankees" but which is totally wrong for this song. On the other hand, she didn't sing anything from "Phantom."

The End.