Chatological Humor*

A Quick One

Gene Weingarten (Richard Thompson - The Washington Post)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo. He is also reputed to be close to persons thought to be familiar with individuals claiming to be authoritative spokesmen for the mysterious and reclusive Czar of The Style Invitational.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

I grew up in the South Bronx. Until I was maybe 12 years old, if you had asked me to name the major world's racial groups, I would have seriously answered "white, black, oriental, and Puerto Rican." I am wondering if any of you have similar stories of childhood misconceptions based on having experienced only one place or one circumstance, from birth.

Okay, now no one is more respectful than I am of newspaper editors; theirs is a hard and often thankless task, involving hundreds of small decisions every day. And if from time to time they make an error in judgment, they are to be forgiven -- unless it is a complete failure of nerve contributing to the appalling mediocrity of comics in America, in which case they must be mercilessly exposed for the spineless pantywaist wussbag cowards they are. And thus today's Spineless Pantywaist Wussbag Coward of the Week award goes to Salt Lake Tribune Managing Editor Tim Fitzpatrick, for cravenly abandoning his editorial responsibilities - and his better judgment -- in the face of complaints from a few little old ladies with typewriters.

As the linked story will indicate, the Trib recently made the wise decision to drop two dessicated, inane, anachronistic, senescent strips -- Judge Parker and Mary Worth -- and replace them with better ones. Then, when they got several hundred complaints (probably from 6 readers writing 100 letters each), they reneged.

This shameful decision resulted in dropping two good strips with brains, and condemning Non Sequitur - a REALLY good strip - to the business pages. (Like the Post did with Dilbert, to its continuing shame.) This sort of naked cowardice is precisely why the comics pages in newspapers around America have gotten so bad - hopelessly mired in the past, resistant to creativity and new ideas, inaccessible real estate for a generation of new cartoonists with talent and guts.

In my opinion, it is necessary for editors, from time to time, to exercise their OWN judgment. It's what we're paid to do. You need to trust us, and we need to earn that trust with good decisions, even ones that might not be popular at the time. It's for everyone's good. Personally, I don't want Delta Airlines to train its mechanics based on how the flying public thinks they should be trained.

Okay, then. Thanks to Rachel Weingarten, my beauty consultant friend who runs planetpretty.com, for submitting the aptonym of the week: a New York City publicist named Jo Flattery.

It was a weak week for Comics. I am waiting impatiently for Breathed to get Opus broken free of his dream sequences. The comic picks are two single panel strips that ran side by side on Monday: Close to Home and Speed Bump. They're almost themed, and provide an all-too-rare phenomenon of successful sight gags.

Oh, I'm gonna be leaving about fifteen minutes early today. Sorry. I have to catch a plane to Buffalo on a super-secret humor assignment.

Questions? Bleats?

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washingtonpost.com: Speedbump, (Dec. 8)

Close to Home, (Dec. 8)

Reader Advocate: Judging from Calls, Readers Are Married to These Comics, (Salt Lake Tribune, Dec. 6)

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Punt?: Last week you described a spontaneous pun, and asked chatters to try to top it with crack spontaneous puns they whipped up on their own. Since you did not post any responses, should we assume your pun remains unbeaten?

Gene Weingarten: I got a few. None worthy. See next post.

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Arlington, Va.: Last week you talked about the "perfect" spur of the moment pun. Granted, it was pretty good. But it wasn't this:

Many years ago, in college, my comically brilliant friend and I were watching videos. While waiting for one of the tapes to rewind, we had the History Channel on. They were showing a program on the use of animals in war. We just caught the end of a segment on the British use of dogs to find people buried under rubble during the Blitz. The next segment discussed how, also during WWII, they would sometimes strap explosives to dogs and send them into enemy lines as sort of primitive suicide bombers.

At that point, my friend turned to me and said, "If they did that with cattle, it would be abominable."

Gene Weingarten: I say only this. If you google "bomb in a bull" you get 493 hits. If you google "albumen miracle," you get... none.

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Hoboken, NJ: Gene -
Over the weekend, there was a Father/Son golf tournament televised on NBC. Teams included the Irwins, the Palmers, the Stadlers, and the Nicklaus'. Yes, the Nicklaus-apostrophe. Now, I'm no PtheP, but this seems wrong. Wouldn't it be the Nicklauses? This country has lost all ability to determine when an apostrophe is appropriate - or how to pluralize anything.

Gene Weingarten: Don't need pthep for this one. Yes, the Nicklaus' is an idiocy.

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Constant Loser: Gene, I told a co-worker about the Rodney Dangerfield Style Invitational contest, in which I did quite well, and he doesn't believe me. Unfortunately, the contest is so old that it's not in the Web archive any more. Can y-- er, the Czar help me find it?

Hmmm. This question isn't very funny. Buttocks?

washingtonpost.com: The Style Invitational, (Post, Oct. 14, 2001)

Gene Weingarten: This is a public service. This was a great contest, and it WAS judged by Rodney.

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Ooh la, LA: Hey Gene. Was that you I saw having dinner at Montmartre on Saturday night?

If so, you are both younger, and your wife hotter, than your caricature would tend to suggest. Assuming that was your wife.

Incidentally, don't the excellent, professional female French waitrons at that place wear really, really tight pants?

Gene Weingarten: My wife loves Montmartre because of its excellent cuisine.

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Buffalo?!;: Seriously, Gene, there's nothing funny about Buffalo at all. As someone who has spent the last 30 years trying to disown it as my native city, I can really tell you that there's nothing humorous about that town whatsoever.

Gene Weingarten: Wait. I am ONTO something.

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Childhood misconceptions: Having grown up in the Washington area, I was rather shocked to learn that admission to most major museums isn't free.

I thought they were like libraries.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, this is amazing. I was amazed, when I came here, to discover things were free. Like the zoo. You just... walk in!

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Ashburn, Va.: Couldja let Jef know that "A Mall and the Right Visitor" is playing host to a pernicious hta script that forces one's home page to be passiton.com? I'm pretty sure it's from one of the advertisers. Passiton.com has links to pornographic Web sites. I'm pretty sure Jef would be perturbed.

Gene Weingarten: I am posting this so Jef will find it. But it reminds me of something else -- there is internet hijinks out there I just don't understand, but admire. Bruce Friedrich alerted me to this one: Google "miserable failure" and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

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Washingtron: Did you see Johnny Hart's slap at Ispoing today? What is Ispoing exactly?

washingtonpost.com: B.C., (Dec. 9)

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha. Nice. Speaking of Johnny, can anyone explain Monday's BC? Liz, can you link to this? I am simply dumbfounded. Am I missing a clever pun?

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washingtonpost.com: B.C., (Dec. 8)

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Misconceptions: I grew up in a very WASPy part of the midwest.

I had no idea what the Holocaust was or what it meant to be Jewish until approximately my freshman/sophomore years in high school.

Not funny, but true.

Gene Weingarten: My wife spent her first 12 years of school in Catholic School. It was not until she got to college that she learned it was the Protestant Reformation, not "The Protestant Revolt." True.

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Failure Is An Option: I'm sick of the Bush Bashing in here. Take it to the streets.

Gene Weingarten: No fair. We haven't even bashed Bush yet today. For example, I didn't even POST the email from someone who claims the monkey in BoNanas is a Bush caricature.

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Apto, NM: Am I a horrible person because I found humor in the fact that the partner of the Louisiana woman whose son was punished for saying his mother was gay (In La. School, Son of a Lesbian Learns 'Gay' Is a 'Bad Wurd', Post, Dec. 3), is named Heather Manley?

Poop.

Gene Weingarten: This was an amazing story, well written. An idiot teacher, supported by an idiot school system. And you are a horrible person, but not because of this observation, which is quite funny. You are a horrible person because you wash your pantyhose in the sink and it drives your husband CRAZY.

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Washington, D.C.: Regarding the Rodney contest, don't forget that the next time Rodney was on the Tonight Show, he included Chuck Smith's winning joke in his monologue.

Gene Weingarten: Right. Then shortly thereafter he had a heart attack.

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Advertising Below: Did you notice that the advertising banner below your chat is for www.pullmyfinger.com which sells farting santas and other such novelties.

Gene Weingarten: No, that's great. Hey, if someone reminds me next week I will include the links to a couple of nifty joke sites. Please reference: farting dogs and the marriage race.

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Silver Spring, Md.: RE: BC. I think Hart is doing lots of comics with sounds printed vertically between panels to justify his SLAM that was criticized.

Gene Weingarten: I KNOW! But what is this snake-rock thing?

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B.C. isn't funny at all: ...but when he slams down the rock a part of the snake sticks out the back, making a tail for his rock rat.

Gene Weingarten: But that's moronic.

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Washington DC: Another Google: Type in "weapons of mass destruction" and hit the I'm feeling lucky button.

Gene Weingarten: I'll have to trust you on this.

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bumin, AL: The problem with your pun is that it's factually incorrect. Albumin is egg white. A large egg yolk has nothing to do with Albumin.

Gene Weingarten: Weenie.

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Chantilly, Va.: Is Breathed stealing from McGruder now? I didn't realize Condoleeza Rice's sexuality was so amusing TWO strips have to comment on it.

Gene Weingarten: I think it was unfortunate timing. I can attest to the fact that Berkeley was planning the Condi thing before McGruder started his.

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B.C.: Well I assume you realize the rock landed on the snake, which became the rockrat's tail. Do you expect anything more than that from B.C.?

Gene Weingarten: But what is a "rockrat"? Why is that funny?

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Blacksburg, Va.: In his online chat Friday, Jef Mallett praised Michael Jantze (The Norm) as the "best drawn and written strip in the funny papers today." What do you have to say about this?

washingtonpost.com: Jef Mallett, (Live Online, Dec. 5)

Gene Weingarten: I had never heard of this strip, so checked it out. I don't know what Jef is talking about.

But I often find myself second guessed by people who know better than me. I thought Boondocks was terribly drawn until Breathed informed me it is excellently drawn.

Hey, you know what I think is badly drawn? Close to Home. Not a bad strip, but badly drawn. I'm probably wrong.

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A.B.C.: Maybe the ratrock comic is to show that he ISN'T clever, and therefore incapable of making that Islam slam. Quite clever.

Or maybe he's just too clever for us.

Either way, he's a genius and we're all Neanderthals.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed.

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RockRat RugRat: Dope.

Gene Weingarten: Sure, sure. But a rugrat is a kid. This is just bizarre.

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Gauche, Md.: I'm so bad. Last week I suggested that most comic strip characters are left handed, and although I read the comics this week I did not keep score.

But I'm sure you did. I can see Gene hunched over the funnies with a note pad and two columns: dexter, sinister. So, do you have a report for us?

Gene Weingarten: I am still watching. And waiting for more cartoonist input. Jef Mallett says that he deliberately has made some characters lefties. But John Kovaleski, of Bo Nanas e-mailed me to say that he never really thinks about handedness.

More to come.

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Alexandria, Va.: On the subject of puns... brother-in-law says to dad while visiting that the bolt connecting the toilet seat to the toilet in the guest room is broken. Dad responds, "Can you make do?"

Gene Weingarten: Ok, that's not bad.

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Washington, D.C.: Oprah refuses to go on Letterman's Show because he made fun of her the last two times she was on. Has anyone has refused to be interviewed by you for this reason? Can you tell us who?

Gene Weingarten: Hm. Well, the mayor of D.C. refused to do an interview when he was having his little forged signature flap. Not that I blamed him. But I tried.

The most dramatic reaction I got was recently, when I tried to find a liberal to debate Ann Coulter in my column. You'll see what happened in a coupla weeks.

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The Nile, Egypt: I'll just say this. Sunday's "Pearl Before Swine" deserves at least some consideration for pick of the week on the merits of the title panel alone! Nothing in the comics had me laughing more than that.

washingtonpost.com: Pearls Before Swine, (Dec. 7)

Gene Weingarten: Yes, but it kind of weakened from there.

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Gene Weingarten: Apropos of nothing, I am looking at a wonderful news story about a woman who was pulled over and charged with driving unsafely because she was breastfeeding her baby. It turns out she was also talking on the cellphone to her husband, and taking notes.

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Baltimore, Md.: Although it was printed over a week ago, this "Zits" completely freaked me out.

washingtonpost.com: Zits, (Dec. 1)

Gene Weingarten: Well, yeah.

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washingtonpost.com: Breast-Feeding Driver Gets House Arrest, (AP, Dec. 9)

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Re: Pantyhose in sink: You have every right to be completely annoyed by that. I mean, all women LOVE dealing with pantyhose, so it's really all about annoying you. Which you, obviously, don't do anything annoying, say loading/unloading the dishwasher incorrectly, or interrupting whatever your wife is doing because what you want to say/do, no matter how inane or meaningless it is, is infinitely more important.

Gene Weingarten: Ahem. Er, ah. Yes'm. Have a nice day.

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Nowhere Interesting: Gene - I wanted to let you know that the "Director of Facilities" for the public school system in Hampton, Va., is named James McAnally. That is not a typo.

That is all.

Gene Weingarten: Does he deal with toilets? That would be great.

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Alexandria, Va.: I know this is too late for posting, but PLEASE stop making me read BC. Also, how about an update on Liz' sleeping problem. Frankly, I'm worried.

Have a good trip.

washingtonpost.com: Thanks for checking. I was diagnosed with Restless Legs Syndrome, given a prescription for a Parkinson's medication that is actually letting me sleep and seeking a second opinion from a specialist. -- wormlegs.

Gene Weingarten: Excellent. Now we know.

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Arlington, Va.: Gene, today's chat absolutely sucks. Shouldn't you be heading for the airport?

washingtonpost.com: Good thing you're so funny.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, yes. All true. Okay, I am outta here. Next week's chat, I suspect, will center mostly on one subject.

See you then.

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Adios: On behalf of everybody and since you have to leave early, HAVE FUN IN BUFFALO IN DECEMBER. What you couldn't find a hotel room in January?!;!; Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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