Teacher Says: Teacher and Parent Relationships

Back-to-School Series

Evelyn Vuko (washingtonpost.com)

Learning gets a lift when students and families form strong alliances teachers. Teachers and teacher mentors, Emma McDonald and Dyan Hershman, co-authors of "Survival Kit for New Teachers and the ABC's of Effective Parent Communication, " offer their talents toward parents and care-givers, insider tips on developing lasting bonds with teachers of all ages and experience levels---from those new on the job to weary veterans on the edge of a burn-out. Wouldn't you love to have your child's teacher solidly on your side.

Join them online Tuesday, Sept. 21, at 2 p.m. ET for some advice on parent and teacher relationships.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Evelyn Vuko: Welcome to our chat about the parent, student, teacher dynamic--that energetic and vigorous force that at its best propels everyone off into learning. Emma McDonald, master teacher and teacher mentor joins me today and hopefully, her associate Dyan Hershman will join us shortly. They're here today to share insider tips on how to strong a form alliance with your kids'teachers. Let's get started

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Washington, D.C.: My son's 3rd grade teacher is about to retire, having taught for over 30 years. She has a prickly, intolerant personality and even talked to me with a condescending tone like I'm a third grader, too. I think I dislike her almost as much as my son does, though I have not shared this with him and have encouraged him to be positive. This woman is an institution in her school. Baffling. Can you suggest any strategies for getting beyond the crustiness so that we can work as a team to help my son?
TT

Emma McDonald: The best thing you can do is to be honest and persistent. Explain to this teacher that you are trying to work with her to help your son be successful in school, but that you need her help in order to do this. There cannot be two-way communication with only one person doing all of the communicating. You may have to be a little more assertive in requesting that she work with you to help your son. Remember, assertive is not the same thing as aggressive.

Make statements such as, "I want to work WITH you to help my son.", "What can WE do to help my son?" and other types of ways that encourage this type of teamwork. Also, be persistent. Don't give up. The more you call, ask questions, meet in person, etc., with the teacher, the more likely your chance of actual two-way communication.

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Qatif, Saudi Arabia:
According to your point of view, do you think that a teacher can be respected by student same as a father now adays, and it will be very nice of you, if you compare for us the respect of students towards their fathers and their teachers then and now, and what is the effect of this in students educational achievement.

Thanks
M. Babibker
Qatif Ahliya Schools

Evelyn Vuko: Dear Mukhtar: I think adults, be they parents or teachers, earn a child's respect by being kind, reliable, patient and wise. Difficult to maintain perhaps, but essential elements if a child is to make progress, in life and in school. I think many teachers are respected and held in great esteem by students and families today and I think that has always been true. What makes today different from the past is that now high-quality teacher-education is more widely available than ever before, as is continuing teacher training, which puts more well-trained people in the classrooms--people who've been schooled not only in academic areas, but in the social, emotional and psychological issues that impact learning today. This all makes for stronger relationships between teachers, students and parents. Unlike the past, too, more educational options are available to people of different income levels, which gives many more families the opportunity match their child's education to their academic needs. This certainly paves the way for a smoother a teacher-student-parent dynamic. We wish you a happy and safe new school year.

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Maryland: My youngest child is a 6th grader who absolutely hates going to school and does not seem interested in learning. He performs below grade level but does not qualify for special ed services. How can I encourage him, he has now begun having stomaches since school started? The 90 minute classes in middle school is overwhelming to him. The only thing he likes in school is his media arts class.

Emma McDonald: Have you set up a meeting with his teachers? That would be the first step in my mind to help your son. When meeting with his teachers, explain your concerns and let them know that you want to work together as a team to help him be successful in school. Then brainstorm, with the teachers, strategies that might help your son feel more motivated in his classes. The more information you can give to the teachers about your son, the better decisions they can make. Stay in constant communication with them so that they know what is happening at home as well as at school.

Often outside situations such as bullying, problems with friends, and other issues also affect student emotions. This in turn affects their attitude towards school and learning. It may be that there is something happening with your son that is affecting his attitude towards school. Take some time to talk with him and find out if he is being bullied, teased, or hurt by some of the other students in his school.

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Great Falls, Va.: The latest count for me is 22 years of being my children's advocate within the public and private school system. I have found that within that time, if I did not speak up, very little was done to identify and rectify my children's academic and emotional struggles within the school. I believe that teachers are overwhelmed in the classroom and they can not take the time to address these concerns. How can that change?

Emma McDonald: Unfortunately teaching is very complex and is only becoming more so every year. Schools have implemented many different strategies and systems to try to deal with the situation you've described. These include hiring diagnoticians, reading specialists, and other personnel to help identify and work with students' special needs. However, with student populations on the rise and teacher shortages, the work load becomes more than any school and/or school district can adequately meet.

You stated that you have been your children's advocate, and that is where the change happens. As parents, we are our children's greatest advocates. It is up to us to make sure that our children receive the best possible care and education. It is the same when we deal with doctors and other professionals. We must take the initiative to demand what is best for our children rather than relying on others to do this for us. I say, "Good For You!" that you worked so tirelessly to be an advocate for your children!

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Oneonta, N.Y.: I am interested to hear what the authors would say about teachers doing home visits to the families of ALL of their students prior to the start of the year.
Have they ever used this practice? What are the benefits that they see from doing home visits? Are there any problems with doing home visits? If a teacher has many classes, how can s/he accomplish this - due to the sheer numbers of students?

Evelyn Vuko: Though I only did this when I was invited by the parents, I always found that visiting a child's home went a long way toward developing a mutually broader understanding of the child and my role in his/her life. To answer your question about visiting all the students...I know a preschool teacher in Montgomery County public schools who has been visiting all the families of all her students for many years now. Though she is always exhausted by the process she said she'd never trade it. And that a short visit to the home of a child gives her insight into the lives of her students that it would otherwise take months to learn, and perhaps never learn at all. Fine testimony for home visits, no?

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Phoenix, Ariz.: To the Maryland mother whose 6th grade son is having difficulty in school. Since it was alluded to that the child enjoys art, concentrate on his passion both in and out of school. There are children museums in most venues in our nation, as well as private classes for youngsters. It proves also to your child that everyone has talents, and this has a salutory effect on self-esteem, socialization and his joy factor.

Warren

Evelyn Vuko: This is an excellent suggestion, Warren, let me pass it along.

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Cambridge, Mass.: Help! My 16 year-old daughter (junior) keeps my husband and I in the dark about school. She craves total autonomy from us about her assignments, the classes she signs up for, upcoming PSATs, etc. Her public school provides a wealth of information directly to the kids about choices she needs to make, but we never see it. She is a B+/A- student (not stellar but not unmotivated).

Do you have any suggestions for us? At the end of last year, we went into see her teachers and counseler but we were too late to influence many of the choices she had already made for this year. We feel as if we are always playing catch up.

Any advice on how we can constructively be involved?

Evelyn Vuko: Hello, Cambridge: She sounds just like a 16-year-old to me! The obvious answer here is to make an appointment with your daughter's counselor and teachers now, before any more important decisions are made without your input. Set up an email system with the counselor and teachers that keeps you consistently in the loop about testing dates, course selections, community service projects--anything in which a choice can be/should be made by students AND parents. Then tell your daughter times have changed. Inform her (kindly and with patience) that as a junior, she will begin making decisions about her further education that will directly impact the not only the family's future, but their finances. And that puts you squarely in the picture.

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Crystal City, Va.: Hi!; My girlfriend told me she needs to get her daughter,(who is in 4th grade) a tutor for math. Is fourth grade math that bad? I suggested that she work with her daughter more and also have more patience with her. Any suggestions for my friend?

Evelyn Vuko: It's not fourth grade math that is that bad, it's fourth graders who are typically experiencing hormonal changes, which often causes clashes with the people who love them best. If this is happening between your girlfriend and her daughter, I think hiring a tutor is an excellent choice. A tutor will also provide an objective voice, an advocate for the child and provide another productive one-to-one relationship for the child.

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Oneonta, N.Y.: I teach an introductory class to college students considering teaching as a career. What one piece of advice would you suggest they have in relationship to the parents of their students?

Evelyn Vuko: Hello, Oneonta: Think of every child not only as an individual but as representative of a family who holds a unique set of values, beliefs and expectations. The more a teacher understands about the context, conditions and people in a child's life, the greater the chance a teacher has of forming a deep and constructive bond with the student and the family.

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Fairfax City, Va.: This is my daughter's kindergarten teacher's first year of teaching and honestly she doesn't seem to have any common sense about kids. Like she forget to tell them to get their backpacks (I've seen this) and they all go trooping home without them. How can I help her without making her feel like I'm being disrespectful?

Emma McDonald: Most new teachers are overwhelmed, especially at the beginning of the school year. It is very possible that what you are seeing are the effects of this rather than a lack of common sense. The best thing you can do is to be patient and supportive. Stay in constant communication either through email or the phone. Sometimes we can communicate our concerns through questions about what is happening in the classroom. For example, you might try asking your daughter's teacher to explain her "End of the Day" procedures to you. What tasks does she have the students do each day before the bell rings? What can you do to help remind your child about these tasks? By asking these questions, you are introducing the idea that she needs to have a structured routine every day. She may then take these questions and ask her Mentor for advice. Now she is hopefully getting advice from an experienced teacher on how to end the day successfully. Another way you might help is by offering to volunteer in the classroom. If you have the time and ability, you might offer to help out during the last period of the day or the last thirty minutes of the day. Ask the teacher specifically what would be the most helpful to her and offer a few options to get the ball rolling. "Would you like for me to put student papers in the Home folder?", "Would you like for me to get student backpacks & lunchboxes organized?", "Would you like for me to read a story aloud to help end the day quietly?", etc. Just remember that she will grow and learn throughout the year. Also, know that there are support systems in place to help new teachers learn how to be effective in the classroom. One other way you might be able to help is to provide her with different website and book resources that you think she might find useful. A new teacher usually does not have a large collection of professional resources, and would find this very helpful. One support system in particular that we have available is our website, www.inspiringteachers.com. It is specifically designed to help new teachers with tons of free tips and other resources.

Evelyn Vuko: Excellent and comprehensive answer, Emma!

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Phoenix, Ariz.: As an ADD Coach, the complaint that I receive most often from parents is that teachers just don't make an effort to understand and work with their ADHD children. More often than not, whether the kids are inattentive, hyperactive or a combination thereof, punishment or being ostracized is the order of the day. I would think a symposium of Special Ed teachers, general teaching instructors, child psychologists and parents could focus on viable school solutions for ADD and other challenged children.

Thanks so much for your efforts and coming here today.
Warren

Evelyn Vuko: I hear this, too, Warren, and I always suggest to parents of kids with ADHD or other learning differences that they make a concerted effort to stay closely involved in their child's education. Offer to help the teacher in the classroom, provide books and reading materials about your child's learning issues and routinely share tips and suggestions about how he/she can best reach your child. Though I believe teachers are much more informed about learning differences in general, they always need input from parents about how they manifest in a particular child. Let the information flow I say.

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Capitol Heights, Md.: My daughter is in 8th grade. Should we be preparing her for college now? Where do we start?

Evelyn Vuko: Middle school is often the time when kids explore career options. Check with your school to see what kinds of programs they have planned. Then, talk to her about her ideas for her future. You might explore career options with her by logging onto the job site at the US Department of Labor. They have descriptions of thousands of jobs that my students have found inspiring and thought-provoking.

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Arlington, Va.: No matter what one's profession, whether it's teacher, doctor, stay-at-home parent, the basic tenet of a society is respect. As long as there is mutual respect, a good working relationship between teacher and parent will exist. But when one person feels the need to exert power or authority or superiority over another, then the relationship won't work and the child will be the one to suffer.

Evelyn Vuko: Ah, the power issue. I think that when it starts to rear its ugly head in the student-teacher-parent dynamic, it's time for a sit-down. Sometimes honesty, blunt questioning and open discussion of a situation can air out problems and restore a more harmonious balance.

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Detroit, Mich.: My son's elemenary teacher was kind enough to tell me she had gone to bat for my son to get him in the advanced reading group after other teachers had questioned that placement when he hadn't performed so well on a standardized test. She assured them that he could do the work and told me that he "overthinks" the test questions. He tends to think the questions are more complicated than they are, and so he goes back and changes his answers again and again. So how can I help him? Frankly I don't think it's such a bad quality to "overthink" but since educators and lawmakers seem so stuck on using these tests to place kids, what specific things can I do to help him perform better on them? What happens next time, say in middle school, when there's no teacher who goes to bat for him?

Emma McDonald: Many kids experience test anxiety. They may do as your son does and over-analyze the answers, or they may simply freeze up. One way I work with my students on this is to teaching them calming exercises. You might try this:

If you are feeling anxious about the test, do the following:

1) Close your test booklet or turn your test over.
2) Close your eyes
3) Imagine yourself in your favorite place - somewhere quiet where you feel calm and relaxed.
4) Slowly count to ten or take several slow deep breaths.
5) Don't think about the test, but try to keep your mind empty/calm for a few seconds or a few minutes.
6) When you feel ready, open your test booklet and begin again.

You might also talk to your son about not going back to previous answers. Think carefully about each question and answer it the best you can. Then, don't go back. We often second-guess ourselves and end up with the wrong answer. Tell your son not to second-guess himself. As long as he tried his best, that is all anyone can ask. We are not perfect and will not be perfect. All we can do is our personal best.

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Anonymous: By email a parent from Orlando, Florida, writes that her middle-school daughter is in an advanced math class and loves the subject. This year, however, she has a teacher who is retiring at the end of the school year. She claims he doesn't teach anything and that she's bored to tears in class. I have heard similar complaints from her friends in the same class. Apparently lots of parents have complained to the school about it and nothing has been done. I don't want my daughter's love for math to diminish because of this teacher. What can I do about it?

Emma McDonald: Have you spoken to the teacher about this concern? Ask specific questions about how instruction is occurring in the classroom. Is the teacher applying the concepts to the real world? Is the teacher using any hands-on activities? Is the teacher using mostly the textbook and worksheets for instruction? From that point, hopefully you can have a discussion about the fact that your daughter is finding it difficult to learn in his class and that you want to work towards a solution.

If the teacher does not adequately address your concerns, the next step would be to request a formal conference with both the teacher and the administrator. Express your concerns again, and let them know that you want to work with the school to help your daughter be successful. You need to be an advocate for your daughter and be assertive in requesting that something change in this classroom. If you do not get an adequate response from either the teacher or the administration, then you'll need to take it to the next step which is the school district administration. There is probably a Math Coordinator or a Superintendent that you can request a meeting or conference with regarding the instruction your daughter is receiving in this math class.

While this is happening, take some time at home to look for ways that your daughter can further her learning. There are many different online courses available that she can take as well as real world application of math. Going shopping, designing buildings and inventions, and figuring out information for a vacation all apply our math skills. What are some fun projects that you could do at home? For some neat ideas, try Yahooligans.com and AskJeeves.com. Both are excellent resources.

Evelyn Vuko: The protocol Emma suggests applies to a wide range of learning difficulties. Refer to it often.

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Evelyn Vuko: Thanks everyone for participating today. Emma and I wish you all smooth relationships and happy learning, inside and outside of school. Join me again on October 5 to discuss helping students write engaging and effective college entrance essays.

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