A Neocon Job

I said, "Did they trust him because he dressed in Savile Row suits or because he spoke perfect English?"

"Both."

"Can we talk about his leaking U.S. secrets to the Iranians?"

"He denies it and thinks we should find the drunken American official who told him the United States already knew all of Iran's secrets."

"I read somewhere that he could have been a double agent, working for both us and Tehran."

My Pentagon leaker replied: "That's the neocon story and we're sticking to it. Look, this is not a war between good and evil, it is a war between people who think Bush is doing a good job and traitors who want us to get out."

"What are the neocons' plans for Chalabi?"

"We would love him to become president of a new Iraq so we can put him on the payroll again."

"I think that's what he had in mind all along," I said. "Is it possible that Chalabi, whom we considered our friend, is mad at us and is now calling us names?"

"It is the only political thing for him to do. His friends in the Pentagon don't take him seriously. Sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never harm us -- unless you are Colin Powell."

"I like your philosophy. Do you think the neocons will get us into another war?"

"We'd do it if we had the troops, but we won't use Chalabi again."

"Why not?"

"He has lost his eclat. We have to find another hero the country will believe in."

"What if Chalabi wins the Nobel Peace Prize?"

"That would be nice. If he did, we'd put him on 'Survivor.' "

© 2004, Tribune Media Services