Unsafe From Any Screed

(Illustration by Eric Shansby)

Ralph: Get me on the debates, and I will show you tens of millions of people who support what I stand for.

Me: Do you think you'll get on the debates?

Ralph: That's not a funny question.

Me: True. Okay, I think we all know how hurtful and inaccurate stereotypes can be. The stereotype of Ralph Nader is that of a friendless, humorless killjoy, a man who would, for example, require legislation that all roller coasters be flat. Also, that you are sober, and gloomy and monomaniacal, the Felix Unger of American politics, and it all comes out sort of creepy. Is there anything you can say to dispel this unfair, hurtful stereotype? For example, do you favor festive, cheerful colors on the bed of nails you sleep on?

Ralph: Yeah, I'm a bad guy. I want to limit people's freedom to go through the windshield.

Me: I think even your detractors agree that you are incorruptible, that if you could have been bought off with a promised appointment, in the ordinary political fashion, or with money or call girls or suitcases full of cocaine, it would have happened long before now. Do you, in fact, have a price? And what is it?

Ralph: The unconditional surrender of my opponents.

Me: No, really.

Ralph: Oscar Wilde said, "I can resist everything except temptation." Well, I can resist temptation.

Me: Do you have any vices?

Ralph: Only one. I am addicted to funny banter with reporters. I was just on the phone with a business reporter from the New York Times. She was exploding with laughter.

Me: This is now the third presidential campaign you are certain to lose. Do you aspire to a record of futility like Harold Stassen, who ran nine times but maintained some measure of dignity, or one like Gus Hall, the Communist, who only ran four times but was a buffoon?

Ralph: Futility in the service of justice is . . .

Me:

Ralph:

Me: That started out good.

Ralph: I know. I'm thinking. Okay . . . is an act of courageous self-denial.

Me: Nice. Is there anything else you want to say?

Ralph: Yes. For even more laughs, log on to votenader.org.

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon at www.washingtonpost.com.